Comments on: 10 Fundamental Lessons on Boundaries in Relationships Part 1 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:33:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-216716 Gaynor Wed, 11 Feb 2009 20:49:38 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-216716 Hurt Guy, This was very important to her. I'm sorry but if you were lovemaking, sharing, and have long conversations with her why couldn't you share something so significant. This is her child, probably the most important person in her life, it must have been difficult for her to broach the subject, and you were unwilling to listen. I hate to say it but I would have been equally offended and wondered if your feelings were sincere. Hurt Guy,

This was very important to her. I’m sorry but if you were lovemaking, sharing, and have long conversations with her why couldn’t you share something so significant. This is her child, probably the most important person in her life, it must have been difficult for her to broach the subject, and you were unwilling to listen. I hate to say it but I would have been equally offended and wondered if your feelings were sincere.

]]> By: Hurt guy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-216715 Hurt guy Wed, 11 Feb 2009 20:39:13 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-216715 Very good site and info on boundaries. I am a male in my late 50's and just had a three week involvement with a woman, aged 61, that ended badly. We were drawn to each other and had a sexual relationship along with a hearfelt connection. We saw each other maybe two times a week--for three weeks. it was very intense. During our last visit together I put a slight boundary on a conversation that my partner wanted me to hear about---involving the domestic abuse of her daughter and a possible suicide. I felt it was a bit much to hear and said that I really didn't want to hear all the detail at that particular time. I was calm, respectful, and did not raise my voice. I am a sensitive person. The woman berated me for not wanting to listen and was ready to end the relationship because i interrupted her when she was telling me this grusome story. I tried to do some confilct resolution (again camly) but to no avail. She completely cut me off. Our beautiful relationship ended in that moment. She told me not to contact her again. The beautiful dinners, lovemaking, conversations, and sharing all went out the window and added up to nothing. I never felt so hurt---like someone punched me in the stomach. Still trying to heal. Very good site and info on boundaries. I am a male in my late 50′s and just had a three week involvement with a woman, aged 61, that ended badly. We were drawn to each other and had a sexual relationship along with a hearfelt connection. We saw each other maybe two times a week–for three weeks. it was very intense. During our last visit together I put a slight boundary on a conversation that my partner wanted me to hear about—involving the domestic abuse of her daughter and a possible suicide. I felt it was a bit much to hear and said that I really didn’t want to hear all the detail at that particular time. I was calm, respectful, and did not raise my voice. I am a sensitive person. The woman berated me for not wanting to listen and was ready to end the relationship because i interrupted her when she was telling me this grusome story. I tried to do some confilct resolution (again camly) but to no avail. She completely cut me off. Our beautiful relationship ended in that moment. She told me not to contact her again. The beautiful dinners, lovemaking, conversations, and sharing all went out the window and added up to nothing. I never felt so hurt—like someone punched me in the stomach. Still trying to heal.

]]> By: Meems http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-216471 Meems Mon, 09 Feb 2009 14:38:08 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-216471 So I've been referencing this site for a while. In my most recent attempt at dating the guy came on strong for about 3 weeks, and then I felt an obvious shift in behaviour. I'm assuming it was the blow hot/cold effect. Anyway, after a couple of weeks of feeling super insecure/beginning to overanalyze and finding out some information (basically that he was an EUM), which in hindsight may or may not have been true, but shady none the less, I decided to end things. At the time I felt really good about making the decision myself rather than letting it drag out until I was beating a dead horse. However, I recently found out that he is no longer single, and am feeling down about it. Mostly the whole "why does he get to move on and be happy and I'm alone?" syndrome. I set my boundaries, I was honest with myself yet I still feel like crap because things seem to work out for these asshats, but not me. Any advice? So I’ve been referencing this site for a while. In my most recent attempt at dating the guy came on strong for about 3 weeks, and then I felt an obvious shift in behaviour. I’m assuming it was the blow hot/cold effect. Anyway, after a couple of weeks of feeling super insecure/beginning to overanalyze and finding out some information (basically that he was an EUM), which in hindsight may or may not have been true, but shady none the less, I decided to end things.

At the time I felt really good about making the decision myself rather than letting it drag out until I was beating a dead horse. However, I recently found out that he is no longer single, and am feeling down about it. Mostly the whole “why does he get to move on and be happy and I’m alone?” syndrome.

I set my boundaries, I was honest with myself yet I still feel like crap because things seem to work out for these asshats, but not me. Any advice?

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-216293 NML Sat, 07 Feb 2009 21:13:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-216293 Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the <a href="http://www.feedblitz.com/f/?Sub=523558" rel="nofollow">Feedblitz service</a> if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML

]]> By: RulesGirl2theEnd. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214613 RulesGirl2theEnd. Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:26:36 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214613 Thats ok Annie. Another thing Ive learnt is that we women always say 'its/it'll be ok' I try to live a life thats honest, and thats includes being honest to myself. So if something happens and we're not on the ball, and we think about it later, and think it'll be ok, I conciously stop and gather myself and asked myself HONESTLY IS IT OK FOR ME? and that waful voice that we try so hard, and at times learnt to ignore says no, then its time to act! Thats ok Annie. Another thing Ive learnt is that we women always say ‘its/it’ll be ok’ I try to live a life thats honest, and thats includes being honest to myself. So if something happens and we’re not on the ball, and we think about it later, and think it’ll be ok, I conciously stop and gather myself and asked myself HONESTLY IS IT OK FOR ME? and that waful voice that we try so hard, and at times learnt to ignore says no, then its time to act!

]]> By: Loving Annie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214611 Loving Annie Mon, 26 Jan 2009 16:58:44 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214611 Thank you RulesGirl !!! Thank you RulesGirl !!!

]]> By: annied http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214606 annied Mon, 26 Jan 2009 16:00:22 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214606 Thank you for yet another great article and smack upside the head for me! ;) Totally me - accepting my ex's lack of respect, etc. because I was afraid I was going to lose him to some other chick. Because of my low self-esteem, I felt that the reason he didnt treat me like I wanted was because I, myself, was not GOOD enough for him! I kept thinking ... what is wrong with me that he doesnt love me? what is wrong with me that he has committed to other girls and not me? And, of course, I thought that if I didnt just "take it", he'd move on to someone else and treat her better ... ugh. It has been incredibly hard for me to accept completely that this guy is not good enough for me! Finding value in myself has been the hardest lesson learned from this. It is so painful. I am a work in progress. But, this time (day 13 of NC) my resolve is solid and my boundary is a freakin steel wall. I will be true to what I told him (and myself) after this last email-breakup ... "I will never be a part of your life in any way. Stay away from me." Amen. Thank you for yet another great article and smack upside the head for me! ;) Totally me – accepting my ex’s lack of respect, etc. because I was afraid I was going to lose him to some other chick.

Because of my low self-esteem, I felt that the reason he didnt treat me like I wanted was because I, myself, was not GOOD enough for him! I kept thinking … what is wrong with me that he doesnt love me? what is wrong with me that he has committed to other girls and not me? And, of course, I thought that if I didnt just “take it”, he’d move on to someone else and treat her better … ugh.

It has been incredibly hard for me to accept completely that this guy is not good enough for me! Finding value in myself has been the hardest lesson learned from this. It is so painful. I am a work in progress.

But, this time (day 13 of NC) my resolve is solid and my boundary is a freakin steel wall. I will be true to what I told him (and myself) after this last email-breakup … “I will never be a part of your life in any way. Stay away from me.”

Amen.

]]> By: JuJu http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214551 JuJu Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:55:07 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214551 Or couple-doom! :-) Or couple-doom! :-)

]]> By: metsgurl http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214550 metsgurl Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:53:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214550 Great post NML as always. I'm glad to finally grasp that boundaries are not a finite set of rules but instead, a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, how well we trust ourselves and how certain behaviors make us feel. I think you're right ph2072 ~ others (and particularly men) will push to see how far they can get. The fact that they try is not a reflection of how they think about me BUT...how I react and what I allow certainly will (good or bad). I'm very glad I found this site...it's definitely a life changer =) Great post NML as always. I’m glad to finally grasp that boundaries are not a finite set of rules but instead, a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, how well we trust ourselves and how certain behaviors make us feel.

I think you’re right ph2072 ~ others (and particularly men) will push to see how far they can get. The fact that they try is not a reflection of how they think about me BUT…how I react and what I allow certainly will (good or bad).

I’m very glad I found this site…it’s definitely a life changer =)

]]> By: nysharon http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214545 nysharon Sun, 25 Jan 2009 19:49:16 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214545 We don't trust our gut, that is the issue. Having any man, not a good man, is what has been taught to us by our family and society. It takes some of us until our 40's to realize being alone is better than being disrespected. I am seeing woman my age opting out of marriages because they start to have understandings that they do deserve to have their needs met. However, it is a very hard notion to change. I was recently faced with dating a man who smoked but hid it and ommitted it on his online profile. My friends said--oh maybe he will quit for you. I replied, and maybe he will sneak it and after I'm emotionally invested he will start back again. That is one of my boundry/deal breakers. Another is that if I don't hear from him for 4 days in the intial throws of dating--I will let it go. I am starting a list of these deal breakers for myself--so I don't surcome to the pressures of couple-dom. Or should I say couple-dumb. We don’t trust our gut, that is the issue. Having any man, not a good man, is what has been taught to us by our family and society. It takes some of us until our 40′s to realize being alone is better than being disrespected. I am seeing woman my age opting out of marriages because they start to have understandings that they do deserve to have their needs met. However, it is a very hard notion to change. I was recently faced with dating a man who smoked but hid it and ommitted it on his online profile. My friends said–oh maybe he will quit for you. I replied, and maybe he will sneak it and after I’m emotionally invested he will start back again. That is one of my boundry/deal breakers. Another is that if I don’t hear from him for 4 days in the intial throws of dating–I will let it go. I am starting a list of these deal breakers for myself–so I don’t surcome to the pressures of couple-dom. Or should I say couple-dumb.

]]> By: finallyseenthelight http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214520 finallyseenthelight Sun, 25 Jan 2009 14:59:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214520 I woke up this morning so much clearer about how I allowed by not having strong boundaries, I fell into the last EUM relationship. I realize that by the third date, if I had proper boundaries, I would have trusted my feelings that he was blowing me off when he blew cold and emailed me to cancel a date. I called him and should not have. It had been so long that I had met anyone that I had "chemistry" with, that I put up with the crappy behavior, because I didn't want to see that his character was not "up to par," or he wouldn't have done that. Then next red flag was after dating two months...I noticed that he was rigid about the number of times we would see each other and I felt and thought...he's not that into me...he was managing down my expectations...next red flag (I could go on and on) was at three months...he agreed to go to an event with me and then he backed out of it...poor character, disappointed me again. Well, two and a half years later, I could have avoided all of that if I would have had stronger boundaries on date 3, before I slept with him and before I was emotionally invested. Well, this relationship is the epiphany one that will teach me to love myself, My future seems so much brighter now...knowing that I can love myself, trust myself and listen to my gut!!! I think we all know when our boundaries are being crossed, sometimes, we don't have the confidence and self-esteem to tell these guys to take a running jump...and I know it was hard for me because I had such a strong chemistry with this guy...now I know I can do that...and I have done it since him with guys that have tried to dish out crappy behavior in the first few dates or phone calls. I'm growing and changing...THANK YOU AGAIN Natalie for this post...it clarified things for me so much that I needed to see! I woke up this morning so much clearer about how I allowed by not having strong boundaries, I fell into the last EUM relationship. I realize that by the third date, if I had proper boundaries, I would have trusted my feelings that he was blowing me off when he blew cold and emailed me to cancel a date. I called him and should not have. It had been so long that I had met anyone that I had “chemistry” with, that I put up with the crappy behavior, because I didn’t want to see that his character was not “up to par,” or he wouldn’t have done that. Then next red flag was after dating two months…I noticed that he was rigid about the number of times we would see each other and I felt and thought…he’s not that into me…he was managing down my expectations…next red flag (I could go on and on) was at three months…he agreed to go to an event with me and then he backed out of it…poor character, disappointed me again. Well, two and a half years later, I could have avoided all of that if I would have had stronger boundaries on date 3, before I slept with him and before I was emotionally invested. Well, this relationship is the epiphany one that will teach me to love myself, My future seems so much brighter now…knowing that I can love myself, trust myself and listen to my gut!!! I think we all know when our boundaries are being crossed, sometimes, we don’t have the confidence and self-esteem to tell these guys to take a running jump…and I know it was hard for me because I had such a strong chemistry with this guy…now I know I can do that…and I have done it since him with guys that have tried to dish out crappy behavior in the first few dates or phone calls. I’m growing and changing…THANK YOU AGAIN Natalie for this post…it clarified things for me so much that I needed to see!

]]> By: ph2072 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214480 ph2072 Sat, 24 Jan 2009 22:36:50 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214480 I apologize for cluttering up the comments section. I just want to say that I'm glad that my friend introduced me to this site a few weeks ago. It helps me to keep my head on straight and be mindful of assclown behavior and EUMs. It also helps me to learn about healthy relationships and behaviors. Although I've had fairly strong boundaries throughout my life due to having trust issues, there have been times where I've slipped and I build up my wall even higher as a result. Now that I'm in a different situation, I know that he's not an asscloswn but I'm in the process of learning how to accept that he's not an assclown and how to be in a healthy loving relationship. Ther's nothing wrong with counseling and/or medication; if you think that you need both, please consider it. Once again, thank you and I wish everyone the best. :-) I apologize for cluttering up the comments section. I just want to say that I’m glad that my friend introduced me to this site a few weeks ago. It helps me to keep my head on straight and be mindful of assclown behavior and EUMs. It also helps me to learn about healthy relationships and behaviors. Although I’ve had fairly strong boundaries throughout my life due to having trust issues, there have been times where I’ve slipped and I build up my wall even higher as a result. Now that I’m in a different situation, I know that he’s not an asscloswn but I’m in the process of learning how to accept that he’s not an assclown and how to be in a healthy loving relationship.

Ther’s nothing wrong with counseling and/or medication; if you think that you need both, please consider it.

Once again, thank you and I wish everyone the best. :-)

]]> By: ph2072 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214479 ph2072 Sat, 24 Jan 2009 22:27:00 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214479 Great post NML. RulesGirl2TheEnd also keeps nailing it every time. :-) As I mentioned in "Building Boundaries For Healtheir Relationships", my partner and I have bumped heads quite a few times because of boundary testing. He’s used to doing whatever he wants with women and he’s met his match with me. But guess what? He’s learned and still learning. Things with us are much easier now; he respects me and knows not to cross my boundaries. And to a certain extent, I think that it's normal for people to try to test boundaries in the beginning to see what they can get away with. When it's nipped in the bud from the very beginning, they'll either respect you and chase after you to keep you, or they'll reveal themselves to be a true assclown and make their exit. (And this goes for non-romantic relationships too - family, friends, colleagues, etc.) He says I'm difficult LOL, but his friends and family know that a woman with boundaries is exactly what he needs. And honestly, he knows it too. Great post NML. RulesGirl2TheEnd also keeps nailing it every time. :-)

As I mentioned in “Building Boundaries For Healtheir Relationships”, my partner and I have bumped heads quite a few times because of boundary testing. He’s used to doing whatever he wants with women and he’s met his match with me. But guess what? He’s learned and still learning. Things with us are much easier now; he respects me and knows not to cross my boundaries.

And to a certain extent, I think that it’s normal for people to try to test boundaries in the beginning to see what they can get away with. When it’s nipped in the bud from the very beginning, they’ll either respect you and chase after you to keep you, or they’ll reveal themselves to be a true assclown and make their exit. (And this goes for non-romantic relationships too – family, friends, colleagues, etc.)

He says I’m difficult LOL, but his friends and family know that a woman with boundaries is exactly what he needs. And honestly, he knows it too.

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214471 Gaynor Sat, 24 Jan 2009 21:26:12 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214471 Rules, is Katy in a better place this weekend? Rules,

is Katy in a better place this weekend?

]]> By: RulesGirl2theEnd. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-214468 RulesGirl2theEnd. Sat, 24 Jan 2009 20:55:52 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/#comment-214468 Loving Annie : I dont think you have to worry about not picking certain guys, because these are your boundaries, ie no guy who goes to the pub everyday, no smokers, no gamblers, no drunks, espcially those who say they like a few drinks to unwind!!! habitually unwinding with drink, LOL. Im gonna let you into a lil secret, when I met my hubby, I was'nt instantly attracted to him, he made me smile and chatted to me calmly, he didnt have his head down my cleavage, although he was probably checking me out subtly. I thought he was ok, we went out a few times, slowly he picked up the pace, I think that because the instant attraction was'nt there staight away helped me alot, I was calm and not obsessing about the phone ringing, dunno it was just a totally different experience, he didnt cross boundaries, he was respectful, he walked beside me, not jumped my bones, he was calm to, it was cool, love just blossomed, and when he came and talked to me about the relationship, I knew I had a keeper. I'd changed so I attracted and was attracted to different guys, all those losers, and chancers, addicts, womanisers didnt even come onto my rader and any that chanced it with me knew I could just see straight through the BS. Im lucky, Oh I know that, but it took a lifetime of heartache, broken ribs, womens refuges, affairs drugs, alcohol and a change of tact and a different perspective as to where the responsibilty lay to get here. But my boundaries where always intact and even if john had started to act up after I fell in love, I knew that I had to get rid, because as Ive said above my life truly depended on me being able to do it. Loving Annie : I dont think you have to worry about not picking certain guys, because these are your boundaries, ie no guy who goes to the pub everyday, no smokers, no gamblers, no drunks, espcially those who say they like a few drinks to unwind!!! habitually unwinding with drink, LOL. Im gonna let you into a lil secret, when I met my hubby, I was’nt instantly attracted to him, he made me smile and chatted to me calmly, he didnt have his head down my cleavage, although he was probably checking me out subtly. I thought he was ok, we went out a few times, slowly he picked up the pace, I think that because the instant attraction was’nt there staight away helped me alot, I was calm and not obsessing about the phone ringing, dunno it was just a totally different experience, he didnt cross boundaries, he was respectful, he walked beside me, not jumped my bones, he was calm to, it was cool, love just blossomed, and when he came and talked to me about the relationship, I knew I had a keeper. I’d changed so I attracted and was attracted to different guys, all those losers, and chancers, addicts, womanisers didnt even come onto my rader and any that chanced it with me knew I could just see straight through the BS. Im lucky, Oh I know that, but it took a lifetime of heartache, broken ribs, womens refuges, affairs drugs, alcohol and a change of tact and a different perspective as to where the responsibilty lay to get here. But my boundaries where always intact and even if john had started to act up after I fell in love, I knew that I had to get rid, because as Ive said above my life truly depended on me being able to do it.

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