Following part one of this post where I explained why boundaries are necessities, how boundaries are mostly taught through actions, how we teach people how to teach us, and how the core thread of human behaviour in relationships is acceptance and rejection, here are the next three:
5. Even if you don’t have boundaries, believe it or not, he does.
Whilst an assclown or Mr Unavailable will get no brownie points for their relationship style, when they manage your expectations down by blowing hot and cold, or manipulate you into corners, it’s because they have boundaries of their own that they don’t want you crossing. Rightly or wrongly, they do have boundaries and their ‘my way or the highway mentality’ plus their tendency to pull passive aggressive strokes where they appear to be doing as you ask only to do exactly what they intended, combine to keep you inside their boundary lines.
In poor relationships we soon discover how we have to tow the line if we want them to stick around and not be scared off (even if they could do with being scared off). They may not be big on words, but as I’ve repeatedly said, actions speak way louder than words and this is how they maintain their boundaries.
His boundaries aren’t necessarily about values – in a poor relationship it is often about ensuring that you don’t want, need or expect too much of him. When you cross the line and start treating him like he’s your boyfriend, a signal goes up and he reacts to this. Cue disappearing act or whatever his modus operandi is. Ignoring you, disappearing on you, or letting you think that speaking your mind is a bad thing are all master strokes on their parts.
What we fail to realise is that if we had some boundaries of our own, we’d feel the conflict of being involved with them much quicker and register it for what it is and opt out.
This is what makes the whole idea of not needing boundaries redundant – if you don’t, the other person will, only you’ll have to be super adaptable and you can only play by their often shitty rules.
6. If people believe there is no consequence to their actions, they continue with their behaviour – there has to be consequences!
One of the biggest trappings of women is that we consistently reward shitty relationship behaviour with more I love you’s and demonstrations of our love and commitment to the relationship.
You can’t be rewarding bad with good constantly, especially when repeatedly doing this yields the same crappy results! At some point you have to recognise the madness in treating someone good after they consistently treat you bad and expecting a different, better result each time!
There has to be consequences – If someone thinks that there is no negative consequence to their crap behaviour, why would they stop? Why would they change? More importantly, if you’re not creating consequences, when do you get your signal to opt out? Even more importantly, why are there no consequences? I don’t mean pretend consequences where you repeatedly say you’re mad and done with him, but real ones where you say you’re mad, you recognise how inappropriate this is and way over your boundaries, and you actually cut him off.
It is not up to him to decide the fate of his own behaviour – it’s up to you. You can’t do the whole ‘If he doesn’t want to be around, why doesn’t he just leave? Why does he keep coming back?’ You need to be asking why you can’t end it and why you keep letting him come back when he persistently disrespects you.
7. NO is not a dirty word
Life…is not about saying yes all the time because saying yes to everything, again creates a lack of boundaries. Yes and No are opportunities to define your space and ensure that you put your welfare and best interests at heart. Many women don’t know how to say NO – that’s why they’re run ragged by work colleagues, family and friends who take advantage, and men who recognise that they don’t recognise themselves as entities to be respected.
People operate within the boundary lines that you set.
Yes it would be nice if we could all have a common code of conduct with the expectation that people will be respectful and not take advantage, but it’s your responsibility to set the boundaries of your relationships, not theirs. If people hear yes from you all the time, they after a while take it as a given that it’s a yes. You can’t complain after you’ve said yes a thousand times that they didn’t recognise that you may not want to be or do the thousand and oneth thing!
NO is a combination of actions and words. You don’t need to bellowing it at opportunity but if you don’t say it very often, you need to say it a hell of a lot more because if the reality is that by saying NO that the recipient of it will be uncomfortable around you and won’t want to play ball anymore, you know exactly where the land lies.
All of your adult relationships are a two way street. If people can’t hack that you say NO when their behaviour is inappropriate and can’t adjust to that, it is a sign that they are only comfortable with the relationship on their terms and where you get to be the agreeable, pliable one. Clearly, that can’t work and it’s not a very good indicator of how they see you.
Part 3 will be published on Wednesday is published now. Also read part one.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Oh boy this is good !!!
So true – and VERY important to know HIS boundaries – as well as why our own and how each come into play !!!
And why putting up with his c**p gets us nowhere. And why it is better to leave him than think he will change when the behavior stinks.
Your site is so helpful, NML. I don’t know how you do it, day after day, but every time you teach me something valuable and necessary.
Thank you.
Loving Annie
however, it comes easy for men as, they dont think with their emotions like alot of women do.
Its hard to be emotional, as some of us where probably bought up by emotional, rewarding mothers. I know I was, Im excactly like her with men, pathetic!!! LOL love you mum you did your best. xx (but christ your such a victim) I love her really, but theres always a drama, she’s bounced from man to man all her life and the one she’s with now, I think he’s funny, no-way would I put up with his antics!!! but its moan moan moan, I reply ‘do something then, anything!’ her reply is that I just dont understand!!! Oh really? I look at her and think she comes from a position of weakness, come on ladies lets get it together and come from a position of strenghth and show the B*******s where to go. KatyB not happy!! awwwww. she will be!!!
LOl Ladies ladies ladie, I forgot to say, had chat with a mate, today, who dated a bloke last Feb, she didnt want to know at first, but he ardently chased her, I didnt like him within 20 mins of meeting arrogant git, anyway, talking of his boundaries contradicting yours 1st date out, he got drunk and spent the night showing other younger ladies his new tatooo, this would have had me running for the door, then he got so drunk he fell out of the club, was sick on my friends shoes and got in his car and drove himself home,yeah she carried on seeing him! but a few weeks later she was out racing with our other friends and was lil worse for wear, he turns up cops a strop, and never rings her again!!! talk about double standards, anyway she forgot about him, UNTIL today she gets a letter through her door, saying he wished her and her son a happy new year (where was the xmas card) and that he would forever hang his head in shame for the way he treated her! BOOHOO!!! she was fast onto that ERRRR ‘I think he’s run outta options’ she promises she wont be txting him to say ‘thats ok,dont worry’ he can sling his hook took his time 7months!!! what a sleaze bag. Girls you gotta laugh hvnt you. Its ok Shell said I could tell you all this, she looked at this website on Sun whilst here consoling KatyB and couldnt belive the misery that we allow men to cause.
Rules,
Whatts “cops a strop?” I don’t understand why he stopped speaking to her? And did he just now contact her after this incident? I’m confused?
Hey Gaynor, Im from the UK I take it your from the US? ‘cops a strop’ means gets sulky. He stopped speaking to her because she was a lil drunk with her friends on a girls day out, he turned up outta the blue on her day out. Then after that he disapearred for 7months until today!
Dont worry, my friend didnt even notice he’d gone!! She’s like that, men dont ruffle her feathers in the slightest.
Rules,
Your first ‘whilst’ was my initial clue
This clown waited 7 months to contact her??? Did he want to reconcile?
Sorry Gaynor, didnt mean to patronise you honey. LOL. But I hope the story shows what can happen when you have a strong feeling of ‘self’ it didnt ruffle her at all when he didnt call. Whether or not he wants to reconcile is not the point. Its how he’s done it, ME ME ME, feel sorry for me! YUK, Oh he did ring her in Oct at 3 in the morning drunk she told him where to get of then. Its slimy, he cant even face her. He’s a loser honestly, He thinks he’s all that, I promise he aint. He wears a flash watch and nice clothes but underneath he’s a drinker, who is in denial and worst he looks down his nose at everyone else who does, he likes young girls fawning over him, he’s an arrogant cock, my personal experience with him! This lady will not even give him the pleasure of a response, NO CONTACT. Thats a boundary, even though she let a few red flags go at first. I remember her saying to me after he’d cooked for her three times, ‘oh he’s very nice’ I said, as I walking out the door ‘oh yeah, lets wait and see shall we!’ a week later POOF gone!
We know he wants to reconcile. CREEP. Like my friend said he had his chance, he made a choice, errr live with it.
I can relate this all too well! My EUM did have boundaries and just as NML says “Like letting you think that speaking your mind was a bad thing” this gf’s is walking on eggshells. And I remember feeling so inadequate at times wanting to say something, knowing full well he would never stand for it and would discount me or my feelings. But in the low of the low times, I was affraid to walk. So I catered to his so-called boundaries and it got me no where. The relationship did not improve, and I sunk lower into despair.
So listen up to these wise words from NML in Part 1 &2. So many of us have been asking what are good boundaries? how do we go about setting some? Thank you NML, this gives it to us straight up. It’s one less excuse for those ladies still hanging on, and one more reason for those of us removed from the EUM to keep up the good work of NC and hold our heads up high. We can beat this thing and these losers. It’s a simple as the steps shared here!
Can’t wait for Part 3!!
LOL … I kept saying omg, omg to myself as I read this post, NML. It is what I am going through at this very moment. …
“When you cross the line and start treating him like he’s your boyfriend, a signal goes up and he reacts to this.” Yea, he dumps me. … Gives me about a month to cool off and comes back around saying nice things – but never the very thing that I want.
He pretends he never said the hurtful things he said when he broke up with me either. Just picks up with … “It’s lonely without you … dont you miss my comfy bed? … you are so good at loving me, why wouldnt i miss that? … you know me better than I know myself … dont you know by now that I am complicated?”
The list goes on and on. Every time I fell right back in line with what he wanted, just because I wanted him. I really cant think of another reason for doing it. Bleh!
Awesome NML!! I never took the time to see it like that before….”Even if you don’t have boundaries, believe it or not, he does.” I was too busy trying to figure out the meaning of the few scraps he threw my way!!!! All that manages to do now is p**s me off! The longer I’m on this site the more I learn and understand. Thanks ladies for your stories and brutal honesty….you truly are all gems.
Hi everyone. I can totally relate to this post. However, my problem now is that I am the one contacting him – I’ve absolutely BLOWN UP all of my boundaries. Can all of you on this site please please please bring me back to “earth.” I swore I wouldn’t contact him, but here I am in this state of “if only this” or “I’m sure he’s already moved on.” It’s like I want to torture myself even further by trying to find out if he’s actually seeing someone else. I hate how I feel at this moment.
Hey Chloe … I’m sorry. I know exactly where you are coming from. I’m not sure if there is a switch we can click and stop the tape that runs in our heads. I do the same questioning (usually at night in bed) and I let myself go through the loop for a while then, I have to make myself stop.
I try to wean myself down a little more each night. It’s like – okay brain, i know you’re going there – have at it – but only for a limited time. As the days go by with NC, the tape doesnt run as much.
I will also add that anger is very helpful in letting go. I spent the entire afternoon after I was dumped going over old IM’s and emails – good and bad. I calculated the number of “re-starts” over 2 years time. It was my way of purging.
Hope this helps a little.
I think the other piece I’m figuring out now that I am learning more and more about boundaries and especially how they (EUM) set boundaries with us. I could never figure out why other friends/family/coworkers were easy to talk with and they seemed to understand things I was conversing about. But this assclown never seemed to get it, and I thought it was because I didn’t explain myself well enough so what did I do? I overtalked with him and it still got me nowhere he just didn’t care enough to listen or care enough to want to work through stuff with me.
It’s all getting clearer and clearer each time I read more of this site and interact with all of you ladies. Things are just so much better now and it helps to have 5 months of NC behind me. Thank you NML and all the wonderful ladies who post here!
Chloe,
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time going NC. What has stopped me from calling was thinking about what it would change if I actually called…nothing. He would just be cold and distant and my self-esteem would just be knocked even further. I think you’re actually going through withdrawals. You just have try and be ‘still’ through those panicky moments when you want to call and think about what you will accomplish by calling.
Mariposa – you’re right. He has been distant… now only responding via text, if at all. I think I’m more upset at what I know will never happen – a real relationship with this guy. If I do catch myself in one of these moments, I try to remind myself that we never really had a “real” relationship. So what am I missing? I’m missing those 2 or 3 nights a week that we “hung out.” I realized that my expectations were WAY OUT THERE compared to the reality of the situation. I’m not even sure when/why or how I let that happen. Maybe the “blowing hot” in the beginning was what did it. I do know that I feel like complete s**t right now… I feel like everyone knows what I’ve done in my desperate attempts to contact him. It’s embarassing.
Chloe- Don’t be embarrassed, especially here on this site. We’ve all been there or are going through something. Here is one thing which helped me get past the panicky stuff, anxious feelings. I found a song, a song I could sing in my head knew almost all the words to. It happened to be CAguilera “Fighter”. When I started to feel anxious I started to sing out loud (when alone) or in my head while driving, working, sitting at home, before bed, etc. I had read somewhere that singing a song in your head helps calm you when feeling angry, anxious, etc. Slowly, it worked for me.
There is no magic switch you can turn off, just find something to do, or someone to call, soon you will realize it is only a temporary feeling. It will pass and then the frequency between the anxious moments goes longer between.
Hugs!
Did anyone on this site le friendships, hobbies, or work take a back seat when they were with their EUM’s. I actually have a hard time doing anything “fun.” I let friendships slip – although in some cases that might have been a good idea since they were also his friends – and now, I’m the one alone while he moves on pretty much unscathed. I know that losing myself is my fault – not his. I guess I am more “screwed up” that I initially thought. The “why not me” phase has kicked in full throttle. One day at a time… One day at a time. thanks!!
New year/new boundries for all of us…Focus on being gratful for the things you do have in your life now Chloe. I am approaching 3 weeks of NC with the MM. I am so happy that I don’t have the drama in my life any longer. I am also focusing on the fact that he knows nothing about what is going on in my life. I have ignored his text messages and the baited questions he has sent my way all this time. I am rejoicing every week by giving myself something special and when I feel weak I call my best freind. If she is not there, I look at my note card tucked in my wallet with a list of all the heart break times. I also remind myself of the picture of him and his family on his wife’s Facebook page that he had taken at the same time he was telling me he was leaving her for the 10th time.
Wow chloe~ I really feel for you right now. In fact, use this moment to reinforce why NC is so important. You really have to be sick and tired of the knots in your tummy before you will be ready to let go. You more then likely won’t get the reaction from him that you desire so save yourself the heartache (and his ego stroke). Wishing the best your way…..
. If people believe there is no consequence to their actions, they continue with their behaviour – there has to be consequences!
This is me all over, I’d set some flimsy boundry tell him he had violated it and then do nothing just let him talk me round.. wow he must have thought what an easy mark I was and no wonder his behaviour never changed.
It has taken me 7 months to finally end it properly with this EUM after 16 months dating.. 7months to wake up and see it for what it is .. wish it had been sooner since that is almost two years gone..
Hopefully next time I will react quicker and have my boundaries firmly in place…
Hi Everyone…WOW!!! What a great post. It’s so true how these guys have their boundaries in place, but we are the ones who let them walk all over ours. I feel for you Chloe, I’ve been there…and the withdrawal is tough, just keep reminding yourself that you are worth more than a guy who doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t respect your feelings. Try to find something to do when you want to call him or break NC. I know for me, I would feel so good after breaking up, relieved and proud of myself for standing up for myself and then a few days would go by and I would have that empty feeling inside…what we have to do is get past that emptiness and face our issues…the pain and uncomfortable feeling are hard to live with…that is why we sought the drama from these assclowns in the first place. I know I felt miserable with him, but I also felt miserable afterward too…but I believe that I have to sit with that emptiness so that I can see my own issues clearly and work on them without clouding my head with thoughts of the EUM. Thank you all of you for being a support here!!!! HUGS!
Tulipa…it’s two and a half years for me too…but let’s look at the bright side, at least we are seeing it clearly!
NML,
One aspect of “no is not a dirty word” and boundaries – is that a boundary is a rule. Many times that rule isn’t really clear to you or to your partner. Which means even a healthy partner may butt up against it several times.
For instance, turning down a dinner companion that wants more intimacy might mean, “No, not tonight” (not enough foundation, this wouldn’t be a boundary), or it might mean “No, I don’t know you well enough / we aren’t in a relationship / I don’t trust you enough yet / It seems too soon”. And you might not be clear, at the moment, why you turned down the request. Such a boundary will need to be revisited so you both understand what that boundary is. That is, through trial and error, maybe discussion, you and your partner work out the shape of the boundary.
And at each step, it is the “no” that defines something meaningful. “It is the dates she walks home from that define a girl’s character.” Don’t go out without cab fare home. (I may have read that somewhere.)
There are probably a few other words and phrases that can mean “no”. Like, “That felt rude.” “How is (saying) that supposed to help me respect you?”
Just keep the focus on the word or action – not the partner. Don’t let it get personal. “That felt rude” is about how his words or actions hurt you. “You are rude” would be about him, his character, his self image – and is much too wide a scope for him to attack from. Instead, “That felt rude” keeps the focus on what he did – where the boundary needs to be set. You want to be respected, we all need that. So someone being rude, especially our partner, is hurtful. We need to respond, to let them know what action or word is at issue, and why – “That felt rude.”
Boundaries can move over time. It is your responsibility to let your partner know when your boundaries move, your partner’s responsibility to let you know if his/her boundaries change. ‘No pets’ might become, ‘a small dog’. ‘No oral sex’ might become ‘I’ll try it once.’ ‘No I won’t try a threesome with another woman’ might become, ‘I see you really need that kind of sex frolic, hit the road and find someone that is interested.’ (Sorry, that last one was supposed to be a lame joke. But really. You won’t change his interest or obsession, you won’t have a happy relationship while he dwells on kinky stuff that doesn’t interest you. You need a partner that needs you in their life, not a willing body for a kink partner.)
Maybe, “boundaries are the walls that build a happy, healthy life”?
Chloe…..I completely understand when you say you lost yourself when you were with your EUM. I did the same thing, I turned my life upside down for him. Then two years later when he cheated on me and I kept breaking up and making up with him, he learned that my boundries meant nothing. That he could have me back anytime he wanted, while he was moving on with his life, seeing someone else but still pretending we were in a relationship, lying and stringing me along.
Finally when I saw the light and really stuck to NC I realized that I had to start over with my life whilst he had another gf, still had his friends, nothing really changed for him. It was totally seamless and I was left the wreck.
It taught me to never give your life up for any man. Never sit around waiting for phone calls or break engagements for them. In the end they won’t respect you and you’ll end up on the losing end. How attractive is it to have a gf that has no life? How much of an ego stroke do you think they get by having that kind of control over someone?
I’m now putting my life back together after two years of an EUM relationship. At least I learned some positive lessons about myself and how I want to be treated from now on. It’s just too bad I wasted so much time on him. Do yourself a big favor and don’t waste another second of your time on someone that doesn’t deserve you.
I especially love #5. It’s very simple and spot on.
I work with families and one of the first things that we tell parents is that they MUST implement rules and consequences for children’s behaviors, no matter the age.
Same shit applies to adults, ESPECIALLY men.
This whole post is good actually. I like how it was put that these assclowns have their own (sick?) boundaries. Looking back at my last relationship (yeah, we were young but that still doesn’t excuse his shitty behavior), he definitely had boundaries and made me feel bad whenever I expressed deeper thoughts when it came to the relationship. We were together for over 3 years and we never even said “I love you” to each other; I was afraid to say it because among other things, I was afraid it’d drive him away and I didn’t want any more rejection in my life. (There were other reasons too having to do with my own not-so-sweet upbringing, but that’s another story.)
My god, was that a childish, ridiculous, EU relationship…….
But I digress, got lost in thought. Thanks for this post. You learn something new every day.
Oops, I meant # 6, not 5.
My sis Mr. EU attempted to contact her after a year of staying silent. He let her phone rang once and hung up. Think he either wanted to make her believed that it was a mistake to dial her or he wanted a return call. My sis didn’t call… Although I know she misses him so much but she stayed with the NC. Somehow, I think the problem is my sis didn’t really impose boundaries in the relationship. She just believes that if a guy really cared for her he should know how to treat her right.Shouldn’t she tell the guy her expectations in a healthy relationship? Thanks for your help.
This is for Chloe as well as myself when I say this … you will be ready when you are ready and not a moment before. I learned that the hard way. I kept forcing myself to believe things (the truth) that I was just not ready to believe. Think of it as being brainwashed – no way you can recover from that in a day or two. It’s gonna take time. My best friend listened to me complain for 2 years about the A.Clown I was seeing – every time we broke up and I went back (ashamed) – she would say, “you will be ready when you’re redy and not a moment before.” She was so right. It has taken me a looong time to get over this and I’m still working on it. Good luck!
Aggggh! I’m guilty of not enforcing my boundaries and I’m taking steps to correct that oversight – not just with men, but in my relationships at work & with family.
What really stood out about this post is that the x-EUM had his boundaries. Before I used to talk compromise and wanted to discuss how to make the relationship work blah blah blah, but that only applies if the man is normal and committed to the relationship in the first place, and the EUM certainly wasn’t. Now I understand that Mr EUM was being true to his selfish, emotionally distant, self by maintaining his boundaries. Well, if he’s gonna stick to his boundaries, you can be dam sure I’m not budging from mine. My mistake was trying to *compromise*, but what happened is I disregarded my instinct and the last of my boundaries to adhere to his!
On the second charge of me not making Mr X-EUM bear the consequences of his actions, I’m guilty again. He would get a slap on the wrist or I would grimace and see the latest infraction as a stumbling block in the relationship to be fixed and overcome. Now I know better. I am so grateful for this post!
Chole, *Hugs* and I hope you find your way from that “place.”
Cynnie xoxox
You are completely right annied about being ready when your ready. I know that it takes even looooonger if we refuse to look at our own “stuff” (at least the case for me). How can you possibly know what a reasonable boundary is if you don’t even like yourself enough to push back??
Verbalizing (to myself) what actually makes me feel bad has done wonders. When I feel sad or mad I stop immediately and ask myself what has caused the feeling. It sounds crazy….but then I verbalize and explain the behavior (to myself, not him) and how it makes me feel. In doing this I have established enough foundation to begin my boundary or not (it’s still my choice)….the more I do it the better I feel about myself…feel more in control of my own life…which means yanking the plug on the A**clown!! Bless you ladies.
hey girls, you wanna know how weak Ive been, yeah here goes!!!! Once a guy stood me up… after saying he would cook for me and my son… I was in bed ill at the time… I trailed my arse down to the pub, he was wiv a girl he SWORE he had no interest in, some 19 yr old cocain taking slapper.. we had a row… the next day.. I went round his house and gave him a bottle of wine!!! that cost me over a tenner!!! Jesus talk about rewarding bad behaviour!!! lol, Yes I had a further 2 years of misery with that tosser too! Christ get me a gun!!
When I told my Hubby about it, he truly looked at me in utter disbelief!!! like is this the same woman?? cos Ive got the short end of the stick!!!! LOL we love and learn.
Please NML dont even say a word, I know I know. LOL I cant even believe it myself. Its so damn horrific my teeth are on edge just rembering it. KatyB Back at work, bawling over her desk!!! awwww. xxx Heres a bit of perspective for you all, A great great friend of mine was horribly diagnosed with breast cancer last week. If thats not the worst thing ever that could happen to such a wonderful creature, this is a warning to us all! For 1 year she has been running around, crying and having time of work because of some low life crack addled freak, she has not been looking after herself, she finally kicked it into touch and within one week of getting back to work after 5months of with depression. She found one lump and the hospital found afurther two. She didnt even know how long that lump had been there. When I say, it can be a matter of life and death, Imean it!!!! LISTEN UP. PLEASE. Loving you all. KatyB comin for tea.
I think Cynnie is right on with her comment about compromising. I know I did a lot of compromising – even when he was clearly at fault. Ican’t believe how “good” he was at managing down any expectation I had. His favorite word was “drama” as in any time I did something that upset me or he didn’t want to hear, I was a “drama” queen. After awhile, I started to believe that I was just that. How ridiculous that I allowed him to treat me like I was second rate. I think about the many times he totally blew me off for friends and when I did get upset he started with the “drama queen” shi**t. But right now, instead of getting mad about that I’m in the “why wasn’t I good enough” phase. What the hell is wrong with me?
Oh Chloe~ get over the I”m not good enough stuff because you totally are!! Instead get mad as hell….it will help.
Remember ladies~ We’re only as good as we say and/or believe. There isn’t a person on this blog that can convince us how great we are if we won’t believe it. It’s amazing but only we decide…we hold the key~
Metsgurl… you’re right. I need to stop wallowing in my own misery and start getting on with my life. Thanks for the comment… I need to get over myself.
Hey Chloe–
I know what you are going through. Some of this is really hard stuff. Try to remind yourself that it is a process…and yes getting mad certainly does help!!! I know I did the right thing in letting my EUM go– it was hard and it hurt having to let someone that I love go but I have realized through NML’s posts and this site that boundries is what is truly lacking as well as lack of self love. There are moments in which I still want to be with him and like you I wonder what the hell is wrong with me for wanting to be with someone who gave me soo little– and treated me soo poorly. I know for me reading the boundries section really put things into perspective. It made me realize that there HAVE to be rules– and that I shouldn’t feel bad for having them because they are there to protect ME and Honor who I am!! And in doing so— that is an act of SELF LOVE. We have to learn to stop putting ourselves second– for if we do— we will always be considered SECOND!!!! I have a quote that I put on my computer screen at work and it says: “NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHEN THEY ONLY MAKE YOU AN OPTION”…. I try to live by those words whenever I find myself wanting and thinking about him again. The hardest thing is realizing our worth and truly learning to love ourselves first– because it is true like NML says: That if we had a healthier self esteem we would not be accepting such poor behavior and or putting up with soo little. I know one of the things that kept me stuck was in thinking what i did wrong and in feeling that if only I could have done this or that differently– he would still be here. Try to get out of that mindset— and think more about the fact that you have had to put your foot down because someone has crossed a boundry— they don’t want to play fair and follow the rules— so they don’t get to play with you…….and it’s their loss not yours…..Im sure our rules aren’t soo hard to follow— its the fact that they want things THEIR WAY and THEIR WAY only that is the problem…. and that is not fair in any situation!!! Try to think of it in that sense…. who wants to play with someone who always wants to be the winner and never allows anyone else the same chance? The only winner I see here is YOU Chloe and me and all the other women on here who have decided that enough is enough!
Hope this helps.
How do you believe that you’re good enough? I know in my head that I’m great, but I don’t think my heart truly believes that. I’ve read self-esteem books and am going through therapy, but nothing seems to help. Maybe the break-up is just too recent. It’s been 3 weeks for me. Some days are better than others.
I know I have problems with boundaries. I let EUM walk all over me and when I finally spoke up he broke up with me, which really tells me how much he truly cared for me. Although I know the break-up wasn’t my fault I keep blaming myself. I can’t seem to stop. Now this past weekend he sent me a brief email asking how I was. Does he still want to see if he as any effect on me? It really messed me up and it was just a little stupid email. I get angry at that.
Hi All,
This is sort of off topic but, a young woman by the name of Broken posted on a much earlier post today about Married Men, her post is listed on recent posts and is really reaching out for help. I don’t have experience in the MM arena (although she would benefit from the current posts) except I feel her pain. Can someone reply to her please that would be much more experienced in dealing with the topic….Thanx…Gail
Mariposa~ the break up is pretty recent so I can identify with what your saying. Think of it this way….dealing with your stuff (ie what you believe/feel about yourself) has nothing to do with your current situation (or any guy). You can mourn the guy and still start the process of “getting strong”. My guess is that we can’t believe the truth about ourselves until we identify what the lies are?? If you’re anything like me, I can look back and see that I have a looooot of material to work with. Stay strong girl. Hugs
Mariposa – yes! that is all he is doing by sending you that stupid email! how are you doing? dont answer it. He wants to know that you are still miserable over him and if he senses you are weak, he will come back. But he will not come back the way you want him, trust me.
I’m only 2 weeks out and I expect in a month or two, my ex will come back and see if I’m “over him” and can now be his friend. Uh-huh. My yo-yo days are over.
Karen… thanks. Your comments do help.
Mariposa… It’s been almost a month and I am feeling like you are. But even when I did “conform” to what I thought would make him happy, it was good for awhile (for him) but I was miserable. It was a “damned if I do / damned if I don’t” situation for me. No matter what I did, he was never going to commit with “both feet” in this relationship. It’s time we stop beating ourselves up about it.
NML,
You are so right, and your words ‘If he doesn’t want to be around, why doesn’t he just leave? Why does he keep coming back?’ – these questions – I keep asking myself all the time…
I am so depressed, my EUM was begging me to meet him last week, even I was saying to him that I dont want to meet him for “cheap f””” and after his dozen messages and calls he finally persuaded me to meet him (after his three weeks desappearing act)!
Can you imagine, he didnt show up after all! He was sending me messages like :” I am expecting my food to be delievered and I will text you as soon as it comes”, “Cant wait to see you” etc.
I was waitng for 1 hour and finally called him. He didnt even bothered to pick up the phone and didnt call me back. JUST disappeared…Why Why Why they do that??? It’s always him who make arrangements, chasing and begging…HOW can I stop this MADNESS?
Mariposa, don’t answer him…we’ve all been there and you’ll just be miserable if you do…like Karen said, “they don’t play fair.” My ex EUM kept rearing his head after a few weeks or few months and I was always wishing things were different so I would respond…it was never different. If he had some epiphany, the email wouldn’t just sniff you out with how are you type of crap…The last time my EUM came back…he emailed with with happy holiday, how are you SNIFF SNIFF and I thought I could handle being just friends with him…it was just as painful as the relationship…Never again for me…not only do I need a boundary, I need the Berlin Wall to keep him out…they have a way of pushing our buttons…so please don’t give him the opportunity…you will have to start from scratch if you have any contact…I know for me it felt like breaking up all over again when I had to reinstate NC…it was 3 months when he contacted me and now that I started NC again it’s only 1 week…I’m much stronger now…but never want to go back..
We have to recognize our own worth…these guys are not worthy of a good woman…they are users, manipulators, liars and SELFISH…they have no problem walking all over us…We need to know we are strong, can love ourselves..XXXOO to all.
Alika – your EUM is the worst kind. That is just cruel and awful to do to you…he just needs to know that you are willing and that’s enough for him (an ego stroke), so he doesn’t NEED to show up. You need to NOT RESPOND and institute NC right away. Don’t get tricked by him again…obviously his word is crap and he doesn’t mean a word he says…he’s getting off on abusing you and making you jump through hoops…you are better than that!
Alika My EUM would make plans with me, then text me an hour before and say something like ” I need to get to bed early tonight for a big meeting tomorrow. Would you mind if we skipped seeing each other tonight?” So I would call him and he was at the bar with this friends – usually halfway to being completely drunk (and always high from smoking pot). I would ask why he needed to lie about hanging with the guys and he said “because I didn’t want any of your drama.” I usually replied with “You start the drama by lying in the first place.” That’s when I would get the “I think I need to take a break – possibly a few weeks.” And he would hang up, turn off his phone and have no contact with me. And to think I felt bad during that week of NC. Now, I’m starting to realize what an A-Hole he really was.
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