Following part one of this post where I explained why boundaries are necessities, how boundaries are mostly taught through actions, how we teach people how to teach us, and how the core thread of human behaviour in relationships is acceptance and rejection, here are the next three:
5. Even if you don’t have boundaries, believe it or not, he does.
Whilst an assclown or Mr Unavailable will get no brownie points for their relationship style, when they manage your expectations down by blowing hot and cold, or manipulate you into corners, it’s because they have boundaries of their own that they don’t want you crossing. Rightly or wrongly, they do have boundaries and their ‘my way or the highway mentality’ plus their tendency to pull passive aggressive strokes where they appear to be doing as you ask only to do exactly what they intended, combine to keep you inside their boundary lines.
In poor relationships we soon discover how we have to tow the line if we want them to stick around and not be scared off (even if they could do with being scared off). They may not be big on words, but as I’ve repeatedly said, actions speak way louder than words and this is how they maintain their boundaries.
His boundaries aren’t necessarily about values – in a poor relationship it is often about ensuring that you don’t want, need or expect too much of him. When you cross the line and start treating him like he’s your boyfriend, a signal goes up and he reacts to this. Cue disappearing act or whatever his modus operandi is. Ignoring you, disappearing on you, or letting you think that speaking your mind is a bad thing are all master strokes on their parts.
What we fail to realise is that if we had some boundaries of our own, we’d feel the conflict of being involved with them much quicker and register it for what it is and opt out.
This is what makes the whole idea of not needing boundaries redundant – if you don’t, the other person will, only you’ll have to be super adaptable and you can only play by their often shitty rules.
6. If people believe there is no consequence to their actions, they continue with their behaviour – there has to be consequences!
One of the biggest trappings of women is that we consistently reward shitty relationship behaviour with more I love you’s and demonstrations of our love and commitment to the relationship.
You can’t be rewarding bad with good constantly, especially when repeatedly doing this yields the same crappy results! At some point you have to recognise the madness in treating someone good after they consistently treat you bad and expecting a different, better result each time!
There has to be consequences – If someone thinks that there is no negative consequence to their crap behaviour, why would they stop? Why would they change? More importantly, if you’re not creating consequences, when do you get your signal to opt out? Even more importantly, why are there no consequences? I don’t mean pretend consequences where you repeatedly say you’re mad and done with him, but real ones where you say you’re mad, you recognise how inappropriate this is and way over your boundaries, and you actually cut him off.
It is not up to him to decide the fate of his own behaviour – it’s up to you. You can’t do the whole ‘If he doesn’t want to be around, why doesn’t he just leave? Why does he keep coming back?’ You need to be asking why you can’t end it and why you keep letting him come back when he persistently disrespects you.
7. NO is not a dirty word
Life…is not about saying yes all the time because saying yes to everything, again creates a lack of boundaries. Yes and No are opportunities to define your space and ensure that you put your welfare and best interests at heart. Many women don’t know how to say NO – that’s why they’re run ragged by work colleagues, family and friends who take advantage, and men who recognise that they don’t recognise themselves as entities to be respected.
People operate within the boundary lines that you set.
Yes it would be nice if we could all have a common code of conduct with the expectation that people will be respectful and not take advantage, but it’s your responsibility to set the boundaries of your relationships, not theirs. If people hear yes from you all the time, they after a while take it as a given that it’s a yes. You can’t complain after you’ve said yes a thousand times that they didn’t recognise that you may not want to be or do the thousand and oneth thing!
NO is a combination of actions and words. You don’t need to bellowing it at opportunity but if you don’t say it very often, you need to say it a hell of a lot more because if the reality is that by saying NO that the recipient of it will be uncomfortable around you and won’t want to play ball anymore, you know exactly where the land lies.
All of your adult relationships are a two way street. If people can’t hack that you say NO when their behaviour is inappropriate and can’t adjust to that, it is a sign that they are only comfortable with the relationship on their terms and where you get to be the agreeable, pliable one. Clearly, that can’t work and it’s not a very good indicator of how they see you.
Part 3 will be published on Wednesday is published now. Also read part one.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Alika~ I could just hug you right now. What a complete pr*ck!!
You guys are right about beating yourself up. I was kicking myself in the butt this Sunday when I broke my no contact after my ex-EUM kept blowing up my phone. The result was me blowing steam at him on the phone and then him rushing me off the phone when he realized that I didn’t want to see him! I spent the first half of yesterday feeling like crap before I decided to just get over it and start a new NC. I realized that it was just because I’d disappeared on him and he needed an ego stroke that he’d contacted me toe begin with. It made me livid. He seriously couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to stay “friends” with him, even though we broke up almost two months ago and I’d only moved out about 3 weeks ago. It never matters with these guys.
Dear Ladies,
Thank you so much for your wonderful words…I dont know what I would have done without this site (Thanks NML) and your wise advices girls!!!
I will start again…my NC rule:-(
Unfortunately this EUM works in the same building I do. Apparently he came up to my floor and noticed I wasn’t there, so he emailed me to see if I was okay. I already answered him that I was fine, but I didn’t ask him how he was or anything like that. I just kept it short. I didn’t want him to think I was pining over him. If he broke up with me why would he want to worm his way back in? Did he break up with me to basically teach me a lesson and not ask for more and now that I know not to ask for more he can worm his way back in is that it.
Alika,
I’m so sorry your EUM is such a dick. I hope you can be strong enough not respond to him anymore.
Mariposa, unfortunately with these men it’s a power play. They break up with you, yet execpt you to keep pining after them for their ego sake. It’s absolutely unheard of that you should say screw them and move on with your life. They treat you like crap and then seem surprised when you finally wake up to their antics and say to hell with it and them. When they come back begging it’s not because they really miss you or are coming to offer you anything different, it’s because they can’t believe that someone finally sees what they know deep down inside themselves, they’re full of crap!
Mariposa, there is no rhyme or reason to these a**clowns…they do whatever they want as long as it pleases them. They are unreliable, unpredictable and there is no figuring them out. Try instead to figure out why you should NOT put up with any of his or anyone’s nonsense…spend time in finding yourself worthwhile. These guys can throw us off balance in a heartbeat. Next time he emails you …delete it or don’t answer him. Can you block him?
HUGS
Nikki,
You know one of the many times we’ve broken up he actually told me that he wanted me to be pining for him. I started dating about a month afterwards and he was extremely hurt, so he says. He said, “how could I move on so fast”. Oh he gave me the guilt trip. It made me so mad. I unfortunately went back with him for a couple of months until he broke up with me this last time.
Everytime we have broken up it’s been pretty cordial, but this time it was really bad. I basically asked for more and he said that he couldn’t do this anymore. I was just asking for the basics like calling me to at least wish me a Happy New Year. He couldn’t even do that. Then I asked about his MySpace and his over 5000 skanky friends and he really got upset.
What get’s me is that if you saw him walking down the street he’s nobody that you would give a second glance. He’s somewhat overweight and balding. People use to wonder what the hell I saw in him.
The problem is that we work in the same building so I’m bound to run into him one of these days. He’s already come to my floor twice since he broke up with me. I could hear him talking really loud and laughing. Makes me think he did on purpose.
finallyseenthelight,
I am trying to figure out myself. I’m going to therapy and reading a lot. I’m even journalling. I still can’t stop myself from trying to figure him out.
mariposa,
i know, i wasted plenty of time trying to analyze my ex EUM too…and when you are ready to, you will focus more on you!
Good luck and don’t give up…it’ll get better. Some days it’s harder for me, but I try to work through those days and eventually it gets easier. I keep telling myself that he strung me along and wasted enough of my time…I also accept the fact when I am obsessing and tell myself, “okay, you are obsessing, now let’s try and do something for yourself now”….make some tea, play on the computer, call a friend, go for a walk….good luck.
OK going on week 3 of NC. This is an example of boundries crossed. Weirdly, an hour after I posted my earlier comment I got a sneak phone call from the MM who calls my work number which has no caller ID. I told him there was nothing to talk about and hung up. Then he texts me this: Why do u hav to shut me out of ur life…I have always been there for u when u wanted to talk. do u want me to hate u, cause that will make things a lot worse.
I felt I had to set my boundry again so I text: Nothing ever changes, I do not want u in my life at all…do not contact me again. He relplies: I love you more than anything and ur breaking my heart. I want us to be happy together , im so sorrry i hurt u. If you want things to change and want us to be together how can that possibly happen if u don’t talk to me or help me leave.
This my friends is an example of desperate messures and a hint of threat. This has been going on for 5 months of me saying I don’t want to do this, and I give in and talk to him and then he says he is leaving and he doesn’t. THis time I really am not doing it for a response. I really want him out of my life.
Reading this blog has given me the wake up call to take my life back. Thanks to all of you.
Hey nysharon, this guy sounds a little bit unbalanced. Talk about trying to guilt you – and that really did sound like a veiled threat he made. I would save that text, and if he bothers you again I would tell him if he contacts you one more time, you will contact the authorities. That should get him out of your life. I’m happy for you that you saw the light with this guy. This blog gave me my wake up call too
Hey NYSharon,
It seems to me that it is not your job or responsibility to “help him leave”. That has always been his responsibility, either to you or himself, or the relationship you thought you had with him. He is blameshifting right now, and personally, I hope you don’t fall prey to his tactics. Stay strong, you are better than this, and can certainly find other ways to spend your time, than thinking or dealing with a man who cheats. Take care, best to you. TS.
NY Sharon,
You need to stop responding to this guy altogether!! Go NC completely!! He going to continue texting and calling as long as you respond to his messages. Show him you mean business!!!
Hey NYSharon,
I am not sure what type of business you work at, especially in
NY(?), where you don’t have caller ID on your business phone? That is just standard in business today. Maybe, for awhile, let all calls go to voice mail? Then, answer the messages only. If he has that number, and knows it is a way to get to you unannounced, then you may have to address that in some way. Perhaps suggest to your employer that caller ID is a very important tool for more efficient use of the work phone? I often let calls go to voicemail, either because I am engaged in other activities that need my immediate attention at that moment or I know I can call them back later when I can really talk about the work issue at hand.
Getting personal calls at work is unfair to you and your employer, if they disrupt your attention to the job you are being paid to do. If your MM doesn’t respect you enough to respect the work you do, that says a lot. He does not take you seriously, he does not even respect the work you need to do. I am sure he would not be so open to you intruding on his work life, if you would do the same to him.
Personal life has to be kept out of the work place, in reasonable ways. Technically, he should only be trying to contact you through personal means, although, technically, he shouldn’t, because, he is a married man.
Although, you have already asked him not to contact you, he is disrespecting your wishes right now, that shows great disrespect to you. You should not misinterpret that message in any way shape or form. He is disrespecting you right now. Do not respond. I agree with everyone here. Absolute NC is what you need to do right now.
To take a note from Brad on this board. Maybe, this is a case, where you need to notify your employer that you are being harassed, and that you need caller ID on your work phone, to avoid his calls. It might be needed? But, then again, you don’t need to announce to everyone at work that this is going on. I hope you can figure out a way to get him to stop calling you at work.
It will be hard, it will be painful, but, in the end, it will be worth it.
Best to you NYSharon, I hope tomorrow seems better. TS
Rules,
We all discuss our lack of self-esteem-reason for staying with the assclowns-on this site, so I was wondering what your husband’s self-esteem level was when he was going through his period?
I haven’t seen him on here in a while so I thought I would pass this question through you.
Thank you Finallyseenthelight, you are right we are awake now and can do something about it ie. no contact.
I think the past 7 months of trying to be friends have been more painful than the 16 months of dating .. he played so many games in the past 7 months.. so I kept it brief and to the point and said this friendship doesn’t work for me so im ending contact.. wow did that feel gooooooooooodd. No point doing it anytime before now though because i wasn’t quite ready to let go …
Goodlcuk on continuing your journey finallyseenthelight and others
Tulipa, Ive advised katyB not to try and be friends with this clown of hers. Shes had no contact for 1 week now, I know she is desperate for him to contact her. I saw him quickly on Sat!!! hvnt told her what he said. I bumped into him in town. As I cnt make head nor tails of this freakin situation. Part of me is inclined to write off everything he says as BS, and belive me some of it is and just wait and see what happens with him. He is a totally messed up guy and to be honest his freakin antics at xmas would have freaked me out, cos these guys can quite literally change in a matter of hours. Im totally at loss as to really help her, I know she is desperate for him to make the changes that my ex did and have the same outcome, but what I cant make her realise is that, Yes they had a nice xmas at her house playing happy families, he got arsey, caged in, bored cld entertain himself without gambling, going out, even though he aint drinking, getting cabin fever, even though he was the one who kept clinging hold of her, going round her house, he had a two week break from work, when she was ok doing her own stuff, like a normal person, she aint clingy, she does loads, when his at her house, she gets on with her own stuff. He freakin freaked started getting arsey when she called him to say hey, then within one week of a great xmas day, great gifts, etc he’s telling her, he dont love her, going out to pubs again, but saying he’s not drinking etc, like that changes anything the twaty mentalities still there, trawling arse in the roughest pub, GRRRRRRRR Freak. Her heads about to cave in. I need advice quickly girls, Im losing her. xxx
Rules,
What happened to the 12-step program???? It sounds like she needs to get some outside help ASAP!
I’ve been visiting this blog for almost a year and it has been very helpful. I recognised myself in majority of posts and just wanted to add that those men (EUM) are like clone, more or less, as though they are ‘special kind’, maybe some of them also have psychopath personality traits. I am also still asking myself where those creatures came from??!!!!!
This may sound crazy but most of you are hearing back from your A**Clowns after either they or yourselves have broken it off with them. THis to an extent gives you the opportunity to reject him and his behaviour many times (and in a way that has to feel good) and also perhaps makes you feel like oh ok… maybe he did care. I broke up with mine and ever since he hasnt really even tried to get back with me (we work together) Not that i would want him to but somehow the fact that he just “ACCEPTED” the break up makes me feel worse— I almost want him to come crying back to me saying he’s sorry etc… .just so that I can say… NOPE! Sorry!!! Like I said– I know this sounds crazy but I sometimes think about this and feel worse that he hasn’t really tried anything. I see him at work and he says hello (I stay away as much as possible) and every once in awhile he will say something like “Oh you look very pretty today” or… “Hey– where have you been? You haven’t been down here in awhile” Like I said– I keep it short, simple and professional but could it be that he didnt even care about me? Or is it that these men are sooo selfish and full of pride that he WILL NOT go there? I guess either way it hurts and it shouldnt matter but knowing that he isnt even TRYING to contact me makes me feel worse somehow!
Karen,
No, it doesn’t sound crazy. I guess we want to feel we have a little control at some point of this mess . But the good thing is is that he is not trying to reconcile, making for a faster recovery.
One more thing. We must stop obsessing, I would guarantee that they are not doing the same. They don’t care!!!
Lilly, I think they came from over indulgent moms and uninvolved fathers.
Thanks to you others for your advice. He will keep trying because in the past I have always caved at some point. Some of it is my fault. He is just trying to get the status quo back and have his cake and eat it too. He has a million excuses for not leaving his wife, and I have finally accepted that he will never do it. I woke up this am to another text message saying now he is sorry he hurt me. I agree that i will not respond and yes he crossed the boundries I set. The only text I responded with was the one telling him no more contact. He has even come to my house in the past and I have pretened I wasn’t home. Last night I had a coworker walk out with me just in case he was there. Mentioning my phone problem at work is not an option since I am embarrassed about the situation. I will ponder this one though. Also he is a cop and in the past I have told his friends to leave me alone. He knows i have used up that option now since they will know I have caved and started talking to him again, it makes me look bad. So I am going to let my phone go to voicemail, and hope he eventually gives up. I will also avoid going places, esp with a date, that I may possibly run into him. Thanks again, I feel strong.
Karen
your comments are right on. It is sad that they aren’t trying to contact us but at the same time when they do, it makes it worse for us to move on. I wish I could erase the past 5 years – but it is what it is. Hopefully we all come out alot stronger, smarter and wiser on the other side of this mess.
Karen,
I know it’s hard when they don’t even try to contact you, but think that he’s doing you a favor by not trying to get back with you. When thoughts of rejection surface try not to take it personally. It’s his problem not yours. He has issues and be glad that they’re no longer yours. This is what I tell myself and it does help when I get into panic mode. I think the further out you are from the situation the easier it gets.
I know– but its sick how I really wish he was pining for me– as if that would take the pain away. I guess it hurts to think that these men really don’t care… it makes me sad and mad at the same time to know that I wasted my time. If only I knew then what I know now…. I would have handled things soo differently. I know we can’t get that time back but I can’t help to sometimes really wish and feel there was a way to make him hurt as well– I guess if he was “trying” to contact me or say im sorry it would somehow make me feel good to have to shoot him down. Its like the only way to hurt these men is to hurt their ego’s… if even that. I know I did the right thing in ending it (although it was very hard and it took a long time for me to finally do it) and that in a sense like NML says… I rejected him…and I rejected his behavior. Either way i guess it always hurts to know that you loved someone that much and they weren’t genuine and sincere with their feelings in return. It just sucks sometimes!!!
Wow! So many similarities in our stories here. I think yesterday I posted that I work with my A.Clown (dont even like calling him mine!) and said he’d probably start pulling the friend card in a month or two. Well, obviously my complete and utter disappearance (for the first time ever) has knocked him back a peg or two. He was staring me down all morning and made all kinds of stupid moves to start a conversation.
I just looked at him. I didnt feel anything.
So I can tell you from my own experience, that it will happen. It is different for everybody, but one day you will look at that stupid idiot and know in both heart and head that he is … a stupid idiot.
And even now, with me doing so well I sometimes feel guilty that I am feeling so incredibly powerful and “okay”. We will get through this – all of us. You ladies have helped me so much. Yay!
Hold your head up high Karen. Your revenge is living well, having no drama in your life, and something better will walk into your life because you set the boundries! It is harder to move on when they contact you. When they do its just to boost their ego’s. It doesn’t mean he didn’t care for you…he just loves himself more.
Hey Gaynor- Dont think she’s ready for the 12 steps yet, she really doesnt equal her behaviour with his. However she is always asking how I got to be so strong. To be honest the 12 programme is a huge work as well as the workbook alongside it, it takes a couple of years to get through to be honest. Ive got a Law Degree and I can tell you studying myself and being totally honest about me, was truly the hardest thing Ive ever accomplished. Im thinking about taking an MA in Legal Theory for fun! thats how hard working the steps is. It takes true guts, commitment and determination, and I had a few amendments to make myself ie MY SON, who had been dragged from relationship to relationship because of my addiction. KatyB has some addictions herslef I watch her, Im not judging her, but I have a very keen eye, and to be honest just thinking about yourself in those terms is a huge accomplishmnet, as we never think we are addicts in the sense that we know an addict, she comfort eats, as I have and would do, drinks a bit to cheer herself up, cleans, works evrything is over and above the norm. We all posses thes qualities, or should I say querks, but where for most us these totally come to the fore is MEN, Thats our addiction. For KatyB truly understan this she has to take a step back, I was lucky (if I can say that) I was involved with Narcotics Anon in my relationshio, It gave me a head strart. I just dont think she’s there yet. She’s in that zone of analyising every word etc. I get him totally, and I think he wanted to talk to me on Sat. But you know Im done with addicts, all that I know are in recovery I love em and I have a few in my life those that are doing it. KatyB just isnt there yet. I will work with her, Her daughter is off to her fathers this weekend, John is off to the States on Bussiness, My boy is of doing summit, that I dont wanna know about, so Im gonna have her here, and Im gonna try and get her to read an amazing book by Robin Norwood to get her started. She needs to stop obsessing, and boy do we know about that. I think in truth he loves her, but being an addict p[uts him in the no go zone, he cant figure what he wants from one day to another, how can he, even though he’s clean the addict in him is still there, dying to be quenched, no drugs noalchol, but theres sex, and gambling work etc. Until he gets a grip of his own behavior and gets the help he needs, KatB needs to go. The thing she aint getting is that if and if is a big word, he goes to re-hab and gets his sponser it will take him at least one year before he can even think about getting into any kind of relationship, and he cant do that without his sponsers permission or guidance, she dont get that she should be moved on by then, and to be honest his relationship with KatB was negative, it’ll always be there, no trust, niggling at her, he cant go back there,he will have to move on into a relationship where those negatives dont excist. Its a huge pill to swallow, for her she’s got to at first accept thats its truly over, it has to be, for her sake her daughters sake and if, as I belive he knows whats going on with him, his sake to. I truly believe in letting people go, to find there own way home. If you love someone, truly, you will love them for whatever path they follow. She doesnt, shes angry, OK fair point, but true love lets go. She doesnt love him truthfully. I know, I can tell the difference.
Karen,
I think what you’re seeking is validation from him. He can’t give you that you have to give it to yourself. I understand wanting revenge, but if you did get revenge the feeling of satisfaction would be short lived. The best you can do is work on yourself.
I think these guys are not capable of truly caring for anybody. It’s his problem not yours. You have to figure out why you placed yourself in a no win situation and work on you.
Gaynor_ John will answer, but he said for all of us to find a relevant post, because he dont wanna take it of track.
Girls after my warrble above, I would like also to say to get it back on track, boundaries dont have to excist for others only, they have to excist for yourself to. Example, you go out with a guy, dont drink, it makes you drop your watchful eye, it makes you messy, and ohh so easy lol xxx loving you all.
Hi ladies, just having a browse at what my wife has been writing. Karen, Im going to tell you from a mans point of view why he isnt pining. He thinks differently from you. Men think rationaly, woman think emotionaly. Totally different. He will think, if he has a bit of personl insight, its good she’s gone, Im no good for her, or if he has no personal insight, F@”$* her, she was a nagging cow anyway. Most men even though they have alot of personal insight, will still block it out, by thinking S*&^)! but Im a guy lets go F$)&* another woman, that’ll sort it out. Men dont do emotions, very few of us. Im a guy and I have loads of guys telling me BS about girls, they love them but would rather make exuses, and to them they are valid excuses, than admit how they feel. It takes a Nemesis of a woman or to come at the right time, to make a difference. Sorry but some of you may not be at the right time or that woman.
Thank you (to everyone) I know Im seeking validation in the wrong place… and I know that I have to work on me…. I guess thats why it feels crazy… because inspite of “KNOWING” these things my mind still goes there like its on AUTOPILOT or something! Im still obsessing or thinking about HIM at times (Its getting better– but I have my moments) I guess I just regret having given soo much of myself and somehow I feel like he ROBBED me!!! I know I have to take responsibility for putting myself in this situation– I guess I just believed him, his stupid sob stories, how bad he had it at home, the poor me come and save me role. I was very clear in what my expectations were the entire time… there was no need for him to say I love you– or yes I want a future with you if there was no intention of following through with that… I guess Im more angry at myself for believing his words more than his actions!! A tough lesson that I hope i have finally learned!! I guess I will never really get answers to all my “why’s” but know that If I continue to ask why it only keeps me stuck. I know I need to focus on me and why I chose a man who is “unavailable”– if it weren’t for me coming across this site I don’t think I would have made it this far or have known that part of the problem is that I myself have issues that I need to address. Ok– gonna keep strong!! Thanks again !!! (hugs)
John T:
OUCH! But nice to have this perspective! Great! I hope i dont start obsessing as to WHY I WASNT that woman who could make the difference! LOL I know— sooo my brain is soo dysfunctional!!!
JohnT,
That is an OUCH. Then why is it that a lot of these men come back sniffing around after a while?
However, I think I would have solved a few thousand pounds, if I’d Have known about the 12 steps. In all honesty girls, when I met my wife she was totally in control. Us guys knows when a girl is freaked out, has trust issues, playing hard to get. Its the same as when you know a guy is stringing you a line. Sorry we do, we love sex ans we will do anything to get it!. SORRY!!!!. I think its good for you to know. We tend to go for those that are, dare I say it needy!!! in other words, they chat us up. Never cool, Ladies, c’mon, we love a challenge!!! Those ladies, we know are gonna give it up. They equate sex with love. Men suck we’ll say anything to get laid. Its awful. The girls that have true boundaries, and I dont mean the ones that are put up because of a lacking in trust, those ones that truly dont give a toss whether we are there or not are the ones we fall in love with. GAME ON!!!
Mariposa, Sorry, but we like the intial dating shit. We love to date. We still feel free. Oh because we can! Im ducking for cover now!!!!
Karen dont start obsessing!! for most of the time its our fault. However womans behavior can drive a man to drink. SORRY RULES IM T-TOTAL HONEST!!
ERRRRRRR, Yeah right. Go do the washing up honey! Ladies Ladies Ladies. JT met me at a time of total personal enlightenment. Truly. I didnt give and I quot “a toss” whether he was there or not. I did’nt. My boudaries where there naturally. I was walking the walk! so to speak. If youre talking them, youre kidding yourself.
Mariposa- we can, because you are an option, or we truly love you. However you have to take into consideration what we have done to you, whether we have seen the error of our ways. DONT GO BACK! Ok? Its our loss. Self respect. ALWAYS!
John T that is all I need to hear are the words Self Resect. It is what keeps me going. I am sick of being seen as this emotional, sappy, talker, blah blah blah. It is so boring to me and to the men. I am toughening up now. I broke up with my x for the third time a month ago and all I can think is self respect. IF he comes back, because he thinks he can, he will be sadly mistaken. My goal is to not just not take his calls but to tell him in a very nice way this relationship does not work for me and that is it.
BTW, I am so glad you are posting on here. I really like having the male perspective. It is really helpful.
Karen,
You are like how i use to be. I always wanted him to come back because I thought somehow it proved that he cared about it. In reality it does not mean that. It usually means they want something from you, or they are lonely or bored. Them coming back is never about YOU. It is about them. Unfortunately I often felt that i could be anyone to him. It wasn’t really me. It was comfort, ego stroking, sex, etc that he wanted. I have come to realize their return has nothing to do with how they feel about you. You no longer need his validation. The man can not love, is a bad person that did not treat you 100%. You should just feel good knowing you are a better person than him and that you are just going to grow and get healthier from this. He will continue is eu ways.
Thanks Leeane!!!
John T:
Not for anything but HE DID all the chasing!!! Grant it… I fell into it… he was the first one to say I love you and he was HOT HOT in the beginning. For some of us who are uneducated in the fact that these “types” of men exist…. I guess we were just thinking it was your normal— he is interested in me pursuit (or atleast thats the way I took it) I followed his lead……… I am not good at Bullsh*T and so I would call him on things that he would say he would do– but didnt follow through with. So If I was too much pressure or didn’t let him get away with lies or telling me one thing but doing another and or calling him out on things and I am NEEDY for that— than so be it!!! I guess those were my boundries… he crossed them– and while I allowed his behaviour instead of getting out at the get go— I guess better late than never!! But I certainly didn’t feel like I chased him (in the beginning) he chased me all the way!!! It wasn’t until he started giving me mixed signals (from HOT to Cold) that I started to feel insecure and clingy and needy!! Because not for anything… I was like WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??? It was that rollercoaster ride of not knowing where I stood. If he really liked me or if he didnt because he was soo inconsistent. If he really meant what he said or if he was just saying it because its what I wanted to hear. So I guess my point is that I really don’t think that this is the norm. Men who are not emotionally unavailable I dont think would do this…. it feels different. I know that now perhaps I could spot the difference but I definetely feel that this relationship or these types of men are in a league of their own.
NML: while I think that we as having been women who whether consciously or unconsciously chose these men…. that these men are a certain “type” that we need to be wary of these types of men and the reasons why we attract them but that not every man will make you feel this way… am I correct in that? Can you elaborate?
And John T– it is great having you as a Male perspective but i dont agree that ALL men are like this (and if that is the case than I will go and live on the moon instead!!! LOL– losing hope here!!!)
Rules, what do you think her true feelings are for him?? Is she getting angry with him or herself???
Gaynor,
Do you mean my feelings for him? I am not angry at him or myself actually. I just have faced the reality of my situation. It is not a pretty one but I am living with it and I am working with my therapist to never have a repeat performance. Actually I have been the happiest I have been since this break up. I had a lot of time to mourn when he disappeared for two months. Only to come back but that was the one and only boundary I had and he crossed the line. I have been dealing with this situation for two years and I think i just finally get it. All the analyzing over and over in my head was such a waste of time and I am so glad to say I am finally over that. I really think everyone gets to a point where they have had enough. I also keep thinking about what John T said weeks ago. Men like women who have self respect and boundaries. That is what I am focusing on. If I ever want to have a healthy relationship I need to develop boundaries.
Leeanne,
I’m sorry, I meant her girlfriend Katy.
So good to see things are coming along better for you. I am so with you regarding the boundaries-applying it to every aspect of my life-I think it is one of the most important lessons we have learned here.
John T, yea … honest you are. However, what you said truly makes me feel like maybe I should switch teams. Sounds like guys really do suck after all.
John,
Doesn’t the endless dating get a little lonely after awhile????
Thanks Gaynor. You have no idea. Six months ago I was in the same place as Karen and others on this site. I am still healing and I like to read the posts as they have given me so much strength. I have realized that I have an extreme fear of abandonment and that whenever I was getting the cold treatment all my self respect and rational went out the window. I am now working on this because if i don’t fix it I will never be in a healthy relationship as they will always have power over me.
Okay…you guys this is really getting to me. I told you EUM works in the same building as me but different floors. Lately he’s been coming to my floor and basically walking all around, but avoiding my cubicle. Why is he doing that? It’s like he’s purposely showing me that he’s ignoring me.
Yeah really. So does that mean that as women we always have to “BE THE CHALLENGE”? As I said before– I think this only applies to men who are EU. They are the one’s who don’t really want you to recipricate.. they want you to maintain a certain distance from them…..even when they are the one’s doing all the chasing!! They are the one’s that don’t really want you to WANT a relationship– they just enjoy the chase!! The problem is that when we start recipricating — they start blowing cold… then we get stuck in the vicious cycle!!! I don’t think all men are like this just the one’s that don’t have healthy relationship habits… (atleast im hoping this is the case)
If my ex EUM comes sniffing around again…I won’t be nice…I’ll tell him to GET FRIGGIN LOST! No more nice girl here! Karen, you are so lucky he has the decency to leave you alone. I’ve had those feelings..hoping he would contact me and thinking that meant he missed me and cared…but 2 things I learned…one, he only came back for his selfish reasons, to make himself feel good…and two, it SET ME BACK so much in my growth and my self esteem went spiraling downward…so…just keep on keeping on!!! Thanks to all of you for keeping me strong!
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