I always get attracted to the bad guy. i have always dated a bad guy and when i was chewed up and spit out i went for a good guy… not to mention way more attractive than any guy i ever dated! But i found myself bored and almost as though i had everything at the palm of my hands. You know when I say jump you say how high?? That was our relationship. Of course he had his boundaries and when i crossed them he left but was back again thinking I would change and fall madly in love with him. It was actually awful because I was begining to feel like i was lying to myself everyday; i felt like i didnt love him but i needed him to love me and when he left i would begin to think i did love him but when he came back i didnt. It was terrible! His family could see me for what i was worth, I knew i was doing this because of my insecurities and felt he was way too attractive to let go or some other beautiful girl would steal him from me and then I would for sure miss him and want him to be mine again. I was 18 at the time. When it ended this was when i knew I needed to do A LOT of changing for myself because it didnt matter how great the new guy was i still did not know how to appreciate him and the whole jumping into a new relationship with a “better” guy does not work unless you change the things about you that you need to work on.

So it’s true boundaries are very very essential. You can tell alot about someone when you give them the NO word and see how they react to it. If they respect you and themselves you will see it through their character and can feel confiden that you two are heading in a healthy direction that doesnt have to do with POWER or CONTROL.

I think that most of why and how I got involved with my XEUM is explained in these posts. And also, what I’m going through as he disappears again (I’ve promised myself this is the last time and am grieving it as though it is) is feeling unbelievably hurt and disappointed and disgusted with how he’s just dropped off the face of the Earth – as if I mean absolutely nothing to him. I just can’t comprehend how he could do this to me, and yet, I have allowed it before – I’ve allowed him to come back!

I WAS just out of an 8-year relationship (6 days) when I met him and had no business, and no intention really, of getting involved with anyone – but he pursued me. I guess I assumed that he was something like my ex. Assumed. I see so many assumptions that I’ve clinged to for the two years I’ve been “involved” with this EUM. Boy, this has been a painful eye-opener. I really need time to get to know myself and my desires and expectations.

Thanks so much for this post NML.

Thank you for this. I had thought one was worth trading for the other. It is not.

I was in a similar situation to where I would put my ex-EUM on and off my instant messager. Until I came across this site, I didn’t see the clear truth that the only reason why this man would contact me was for a “ego stroke”. I was like a giddy fool when he would instant message me, I would act like I was just being “Friendly” but the only person I was being emotionally unavailable with was MYSELF… the only person I was fooling was myself. This man treated and threw me crumbs and I want to talk to him?? Why oh why… LOL… When you really see him or the cycle for what it is and want to get real, you won’t ever want to even give them the time of day… it takes a little while to get there.

I also loved these boundary posts as well — just up until this past year or so (27 now) I learned what boundaries were and then realized how important they are in relationships (No wonder why I was having a hard time he-he)…

I really thought your articles were extremely insightful and thought-out.

In regards to the boundary post: Yes, it’s so important to have your core value deal breakers that stand close to your heart because they are there to love, respect and protect us! Once we learn how to love ourselves we are proud to stand up for what we beleive and not back down — why would we want to??

It’s about him only!!!! They are focused on their needs, not yours. Look at how this guy has treated you and numerous women over the years. Does it sound like he cared about anyone??? Go back and reread your post about his behavior. If this were a friend or sister, how would you advise them??

You know the answer to this question.

More importantly, keep reminding yourself this guy is an addict! No win situation!!!