This is also a characteristic of a good partner – that you are better, more capable, and happier because you are with your partner. If not – start looking to see why not. This is also a characteristic of a good boss – a good bosses’ people will get the work done, will each win promotions, gain respect and skill, and generally grow as they desire.

“Good with Kids and animal” is a very loaded statement.

But #8 REALLY threw me off: my ex has a daughter from his first marriage and he is open, present, loving, and totally available to her. (When he has custody, something like 4-8 days/month.) I fell in love with THAT. But it turns out he is none of those things – open, present, loving, available – with anyone else, notably ME.

I finally figured out that it was because there is no ‘reciprocal relationship expectation’ with her. His kid is going to love him always and forever, no matter what. There’s no risk to him to love her. But to open himself up to a woman in an intimate romantic relationship? I’m not sure he’s capable of it – he certainly wasn’t with his ex-wife. Too scary/he’s been too hurt/he’s emotionally shut down.

I really wish I hadn’t gotten sucked to a year plus relationship in by seeing him with his daughter.

I had it all backwards. Because the men I’d fall in love with every 5 years HAD all of that – but they also had wives or girlfriends, treated me like crap, and didn’t place a value at all on what I had to offer as a woman, person, friend, lover, etc.

So my responsibility was being a fallback woman – and blind to what I was doing, and playing victim. When the truth is coming out that I got exactly what I asked for because I was asking for the wrong things, had zero ethics about how wrong it was to like someone who was taken (no matter what excuses or lies the guy told me), and I had low self-esteem and self-destructive beahvior to boot.

Now I’m going to be open to : AVAILABLE, TREATS ME WELL AND VALUES THE THINGS I VALUE.

Those will come first.

Please let there be another chance for me, and let me do it right. Let it not be too late at 50 to be found and loved by someone who ISN’T an E.U.M. wolf in sheep’s clothing. Let me be smart about it all, and not take crap and see it for what it is – but still be able to be open and warm and trusting.

Let me make the correct deductions about a man from here on out. No more making the wrong deductions.

Number 6 has been the ruin of me – that promise of more that somehow never materializes – or may not mean jack except for the occasional hour or fun !!!

Theses are ALL important – as were the first five resons you posted yesterday.

Thank you for making me rethink my priorities about what kind of man I am looking for. I was so focused on doesn’t take drugs/drink excessively/gamble/smoke – and having chemistry – and people thinking well of him and having a steady job – that only at the very very bottom of the list was HE TREATS ME WELL.

And that is the one that should be at the top.
Then I can decide about the rest when the whole picture unfolds.

Thank you again, NML – you are AWESOMELY SMART AND HELPFUL HERE.

This blog has done in two months for me what 15 years of on-and-off therapy , and several dozen self-help books hasn’t been able to.