Comments on: 10 Things You Can Learn About Cheating from the Tiger Woods Saga

By: Olivia Jones

Olivia Jones — Sat, 15 May 2010 09:34:29 +0000

..Just an additional thought Mary Beth (I have found this has helped me)> Imagine you’re a cheating woman and your lover knows about your husband and pursues you even though you often willingly display contemptuous behaviour to him. What would you respect more, him continually pining after you or him growing some balls, telling you your behaviour is wrong and walking away? I think you know the answer! Men are the same, they think they want women falliing at their feet but like everybody, if you show self respect the other party will respect them more for it! Don’t wish he was in pain, he won’t be as he does not have the emotional capacity you do. Your deep emotions prove that you can deeply love and this means you will be happier in the long term! Without him in your life.

By: Olivia Jones

Olivia Jones — Sat, 15 May 2010 09:20:46 +0000

Mary Beth – it is an ego SHATTERER to accept that we may have never been loved and we’ve certainly been used. As women we a most of us brought up to believe we are little princesses and our Prince charming will come along. It can be a confusing time when we realise Prince Charming is just a frog. I know exactly how you feel believe me and perhaps there is a truth in that you are two oppertunistic people who enjoyed each others company. But you said it yourself, you would leave a marriage to pursue a new relationship. He obviously will not! So already the two of you are on very different moral ground! I think you are right in presuming that he doesn’t love her or love anyone as men who behave this way are self centered first and foremost. Their big love is themselves. However if he is refusing to leave her then there must be things he needs/likes about her. Try to view her as a person, say her name to yourself as this might help you come to terms with the reality of her. Don’t envy her as she is stuck with the man who is no good, not you. You may have got a lucky escape and when you meet a lovely guy you will know this to be fact. It is so hard right now. But go out, get excercise, socialise, go shopping, meditate, get your hair done! Anything to focus on you, make YOU feel good. Stop putting this man first as he is NOT putting you first. And I am certain you are gorgeous, charismatic and intelligent woman and deserve better. As we all do that have been made the OW! Who deserves to play second best in life? Nobody!

By: Mary Beth

Mary Beth — Sat, 15 May 2010 05:43:13 +0000

Thank you for your response Olivia. Part of me wants to hear, and the words just are not forthcoming from anyone with half a brain or concern for me, that he’s in love with me and just can’t leave for XXX reason…there were some legit ones but still, at the end of the day, if I was married and had gotten to the point where I could not be faithful any longer, I would do the right thing and end the marriage first. I really don’t think he loves her or anyone for that matter, he’s kind of a parasitic personality that looks for a woman to take care of him and his 12 year old baby personality and his wife is florence nightengale. And then, I’m the OW…OUCH OUCH OUCH….I don’t want either position with this man…I want to be OVER HIM. When he knew the marriage was getting compromised by our affair he hinted at us living together, having a life together (but never asked outright direct) but I always had the sense to let him know that would be too drastic for me in light of having just come out of a lengthy failed marriage. I think he, like me I might add, was always testing the waters to see how much I would/could do for him but never wanting the Full Monty.

It is most difficult to believe he didn’t love me, that he just used me. My ego is having a VERY HARD time w/that. Is it misguided to look at it from the perspective of” We were two people in extraordinary circumstances that found one another opportunistically and in our indulgence and self centeredness, wanted to experience the whole thing without judgement by others.

If I knew he was in half the amount of pain I’m in right now, I think I could have any easier time moving on…I know, that is so shallow and shabby but it’s true..

By: Olivia Jones

Olivia Jones — Sat, 15 May 2010 00:48:34 +0000

Mary Beth..

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I too have been made the Other Woman and it is not a nice feeling. You are so right – when they are found out, the cards topple, the illusion is shattered and you quickly become an uncomfortable reflection to them of their own lie. Their game is broken and very quickly it’s downhill from there. No more sweetness and hugs no more honey lipped lies, only the cold hard truth of “he doesn’t love me.” He knows it, you know it and for every player involved it is mighty uncomfortable in the cold light of day. I am in the same place you are and like you all I want to do is scratch his eyes out! (and hers!) But it will not change anything, it won’t make him see the error of his ways and it won’t take away the pain. The only outcome will surely be him viewing you as a nasty/psychotic person and running away from you faster!
Retain some dignity, sit on those hands a bit more and hopefully one day soon you will realise that you’ve moved on with your life. Know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I too have been decieved and feel like the last 6 years of my life were a lie however I know that me, you and others like us can go on to learn from our experiences and pursue healthier relationships in the future. And be HAPPY. As that’s one thing the cheating man will never provide us with. Good luck.

By: Mary Beth

Mary Beth — Fri, 14 May 2010 19:41:17 +0000

8. When the cheat gets caught the illusions built up around them come down like a house of cards

The duplicity involved in being a cheat means that when they are caught, everything built around them comes crashing down, removing the very foundations you believed your relationship to be built upon. Everything gets called into question and this is what makes their behaviour so devastating because you’ve both been operating under different sets of circumstances – you think you’re together but they’ve been flying solo

This is sooooo exactly true. I am sitting and wallowing in utter DEVASTATION because he blew hot, hot hot for 9 months, chasing me, pursuing me, “loving” me, Jesus, the guy was so artful at deceict he would sometimes show up “just to hold me” to somehow try and prove to me (and perhaps himself) that he really loved/cared about me…it is so hard to watch this illusion of this connection that seemed so real, this intensity, this soul staring back at me….poof! ….disappear…THE MOMENT HE GOT CAUGHT. That “sweet, poor misunderstood guy” (now I’m facetious here)…acted like a cold, distant, punishing bastard (probably how he treated his wife when he was effing me) the two times that I STUPIDLY ALLOWED MYSELF TO SEE HIM after the covers had been pulled. My gut tells me he is now trying to “rewrite” the rules…whereas before he played the game of loving me, caring for me, being “all into me”…now the mofo is somehow under the impression he can just show up for a shag and a shoulder to lean on and not even bother playing the game!!!!! The nerve! I am so sad at the loss of what he did for me for those nine months (attention, adoration, affection) BUT at the same time, when I get totally honest w/myself, the other part of what I felt during that time was SECOND BEST (even tho I told myself I WAS GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, NOT HER); USED AND VERY CONFUSED. No matter how great he was to me for the stolen hours we shared several times a week, he was still always going back home to “her” . SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO FORGET OBSESSING ABOUT THE BETRAYAL, THE ANGER, THE HURT OF SEEING THIS MAN FOR WHAT HE TRULY IS: A LIAR, AND A USER. I DON’T EVEN WANT HIM…HE IS SOCIOECONOMICALLY BENEATH ME, HE’S NOT SOMEONE I’D FEEL PROUD TO HAVE ON MY ARM IN A WORK/FAMILY SETTING….SO PLEASE IN GOD’S NAME, HELP ME UNDERSTAND MY PATHOLOGICAL SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO THIS MAN. I WANT SO BADLY TO TELL HIM THAT I SEE HIM FOR THE PIG THAT HE IS, FOR THE USER HE IS, I LET HIM OFF SO EASY…BEING ALL SPIRITUAL AND PEACEFUL IN LETTING HIM GO AND I HATE THAT I GAVE HIM A PASS.

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I CAN’T JUST EMAIL HIM AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT I THINK OF HIM!!!! I HAVE SAT ON MY HANDS FOR WEEKS ON NOT DONE IT BUT IT IS EATING ME ALIVE!!!!!!

By: NML

NML — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 21:58:03 +0000

Hi Lel. Just to let you know I sent you an email – it will be from natalie [at] baggagereclaim.co.uk. Many thanks!

By: lel

lel — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 22:59:50 +0000

Hi Natalie,

I work for a large, international/Canadian publisher. I don’t work in editorial but if you sent me your manuscript, I’d be pleased to present it to my colleagues. I’ve long-thought your book deserves to get to a wider audience.

Let me know if you are interested and I will pass along my work email to you (so you’ll know I’m legit).

By: Been there, done that

Been there, done that — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 23:20:34 +0000

Hear Ye! hear Ye! I like the part where you say that no cheater will ever tell you that they still sleep with his wife. I was involved with someone who was also involved with someone. I was staying with the man,and the OW knew that she is the one. My ex used to tell her that I was there for convenience; and that there was nothing between us. Then the OW learns that I am expecting a baby and she went ballistic crying fowl. She told someone that the man told her that there is nothing between me and him yet I am now expecting a baby. Long story short – I finally moved out and the man did not go running to her. She complained to someone (who later told me) that she heard that I left, but she doesn’t see the man anymore. I asked my informer: “What was she expecting?”
I read somewhere that relationships with married/attached men rarely have the “Camilla Parker ending” so one goes into them at their own risk. Having been there and done that, I usually tell women who, in their exuberance of youth, think that they can out do the main woman, that men will weave all sorts of stories to the OW to keep her invested yet they don’t have the slightest intention of coming to you. I asked one that : if the man told you the truth, ie that I am just looking for a booty call, would you accept him? He has to lie to you, and take an attached man on under advisement.

By: NML

NML — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 17:43:15 +0000

Jody, thank you for your very kind and heartfelt comment. I am considering. Oddly it did the rounds just as the economy went to bust and publishers started getting skittish and tight. But I will most definitely put it out there and thank you for your support. Natalie x

By: Jody

Jody — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 18:05:31 +0000

NML Have you ever considered sending your book to an American publisher? I am sure your book would be on The New York Times best seller list. I really think you could change the world if your book got more exposure. There’s lists of publishers online that may publish similar works, you just mail in a manuscript, you deserve the greatest recognition for your amazing achievements.

By: anna

anna — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 11:54:26 +0000

Hi,
I spent ten months in what i thought was a relationship with a man who i thought was “mr unavailable” that is to say he was reluctant to let me meeet his friends or family or take me to where he said he lived (with his bro some 30 miles from me) at first i thought i was giving him the benfit of the doubt as he had told me he hadn’t had a relationship since his divorce some years ago and wasn’t “into” relationships, after i started asking questions and showing i was not satisfied with his list of excuses he dumped me….i had started to suspect there was another girfriend…..bizarrely thats when i turned to dtecetive and i was horrified at the enormity of the deceit i uncovered……he was still married had been for 14yrs and lived 50 miles in the opposite direction from where he’d told me i discovered he had profiles on sex contact sites and i found at least five other women whom he had met on more romantic type dating sites he’d fed us all the same lines. at times he was driving over 100 miles round trips to spend time with me and had done the same with another woman prior to me he had also sent her photos of his manhood a lot of the women were text/phone budddies there was even one in australia!!!
i confronted him in mid january about what i knew and he begged me not to tell his wife (he has two daughters of 12 and 9 which i knew about )told me he loved her and wanted to work on his marriage but wanted to remain friends with me!!! i agreed not to tell her mainly on my part because there were kids involved.
however two weeks later i discovered from one of the other women who thought he was a “friend” as she was in a new relationship, had told im of her newly single friend and he promptly sent photos (clean ones lol) of himself to see if the girl would be interested!! i couldn’ believe after him having such a close shave with me that he was ready to get back on the horse only days later i truly believe he meets the criteria of a sex addict i ve since ripped him a new one and have threatened to tell his wife although somehow i just can’t bring myself to do it guess i’m too scared of the hassle that may involve
strangely i feel better for having to have gotten to the bottom of things not knowing but suspecting was worse. this man knew i wouldn t have been interested if i had known he was involved.

By: Beentheredonethat

Beentheredonethat — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:40:56 +0000

This has to be the most insightful essay I have every read on cheating! Its great. I just want to add – image obsessed is different for many people… but you are with on as far as those image obsessed will often cheat just because they can… I had a n ex husband who was Mr. Status – had the perfect, well-paying exec job and the BMW – the rolex watch – the neatly pressed clothes and he would honestly either ignore me or argue with me constantly… he hated himself but wow that changed when people were around… his image as family guy, responsible. etc he was like a Tiger woods type… then after I divorced, I met his what I thought was polar opposite.. a perpetual student (albeit 45 years old) who had the ‘image’ of being fun, romantic, loving, blah blah blah… his image was different – but he was still obsessed with keeping appearances as the devoted, romeo to me – he even won over my parents! — behind closed doors turns out he was a lying, alcoholic, who would chase girls half his age the second my back was turned…

So glad to be out of those relationships… but its very hard to trust anyone now – and my current (so far stable) bf is really the one having to deal with the aftermath of two men screwing with my head. I literally sneak around and snoop when he is not looking — I just never ever want to be blindsided again!

By: Nilondoner

Nilondoner — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 12:57:22 +0000

Hi everyone, I usually read but don’t comment but this time I thought I would as I feel quite strongly against the celebrity obsession in the UK.
I know that Natalie uses Tiger Woods as an example for very useful insight and advice so I won’t go there and I certainly agree with everything she says about cheaters (how could I not). However I disagree with the last point that Misechal makes. I personally don’t think that anyone’s personal life should be used as an opportunity to name and shame. What happened was disgraceful for more reasons than one but no matter how horrible he is, an assclown, a cheater, a liar, an ass**, there’s a boundary that should not be crossed. He’s not a object and although he behaved horribly he (and even more his wife) still deserves his privacy. There are other people involved who do not deserve to have their lives splashed throughout the newspapers for the morbid entertainment of the masses or to be made an example of.
If we forsake ourselves, our selfesteem, our dignity, our pride, our integrity by begging men, sleeping with married men, chasing men do we really think that we are in a position to judge the behaviour and personal lives of people we don’t know. Let’s focus on ourselves, shall we?

By: Gail

Gail — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:29:07 +0000

With regard to the relationship between what Tiger did and what Natalie writes about is a blessing in disguise or in this case, a sheep in Tiger’s clothing. Girls, Tiger is the epitamy of what a Mr. Unavailable looks like, only to the enth degree.
So many times I’ve been on here reading one story after another about the cheating boyfriend, I have girlfriends that have cheating boyfriends and yet the insecurity of being alone or whatever other insecurity motivates them to turn their head, forgive and stay, only to continue the same roller-coaster ride year in and year out and not understand why they put their hand in the fire and keep getting the same result. We hear the sme, but…but…but…! What about the other woman, or in this case, the multitude of women. All of these women were made to feel special, some even admitting that they knew something else was going on, heck, one admitted that he was in bed with her, texting someone else at the same time he was laying with her, yet they remain in a go-nowhere relationship. They all knew what they were getting. Do you really think these women were so ignorant to believe that this guy is Mr. It? Fame has the power to draw whatever it cares to draw and if not one of these women took him back, there would be 100′s of others waiting outside the door, if there are women attracted to felons in prison, there are dozens more attracted to being treated poorly by Tiger. Surprisingly, Rachel says she is receiving text’s still, (NML discuses over and over again about the text message guy). If he wants privacy why continue a relationship with a woman that is spouting out about the relationship all over the media? What I find more disgusting in all this is the fact he reportedly had unprotected sex with all of these women, endangering himself, his wife and children, death wish? 14 times ? women equals hundreds of other men Elin potentially was exposed to.
Quite frankly, kudos to Tiger for showing us a real life Mr. Unavailable (women if you don’t get it, maybe you will now), kudos to Rachael for showing us a woman that will take a crumb and major kudos and props to Elin for showing us a woman that will walk away, unlike other women that insist on standing by her man. Elin understands, as has been reportedly said, he’s not going to change!

By: Angelina/Lisa

Angelina/Lisa — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 03:21:02 +0000

I agree with you that we can’t “know” the life of a celebrity relationship. It is much different than our lives and our relationships. That said, I’m sure that sure that the pain and humiliation that Elin might be going through is similar to what we go through when we are on the receiving end of AC behavior.

But, regardless of celebrity or not, I do not think that any of us can say what we would or wouldn’t do, in this situation, until it happens to us.

You are correct; there is no win when you end up with the one who cheated on you. There may be a “win” if he truly changes, etc., but that is a very rare occurance.