10 Truths You Need to Accept About Breaking Up: Part 1
1. Break-ups hurt
Take it as a given that you are going to experience some pain. Depending on the length of the relationship, it will at the least be short-term, if not medium-term pain and whilst we all have our different timelines, you’ll know that you’re not dealing with the break-up and the hurt if it becomes a long-term thing. Break-ups are not supposed to be pleasant or easy, yet we often behave like we expect them to be. Most women that I come across through this blog that are struggling with breaking up and letting go, can’t cope with the initial painful feelings, which trigger kneejerk responses where they think it’s a sign that you need to get back together. Which brings me nicely to…
2. Break-ups hurt because they represent loss and change; hurt isn’t necessarily a sign that you should get back together.
When you’re in a relationship, even if it has serious issues, depending on your mindset, that person or being in your fragile relationship represents hope, companionship, and plans, even if they are mostly your own projections. When you break-up, suddenly white space seems to appear where you had plans or angst and all of a sudden, you’re uno instead of being part of a duo. Some of us don’t like change either which means that when you break up, you may be ill-equipped to cope with the difference in your life, and may not be able to see the positives, or remember why you left, or why it wasn’t working. This is when we start thinking ‘This is so painful; it must mean we are destined to be together’. The problem is that making a direct correlation between the pain you experience and your feelings for someone is misleading. Often women in the shittiest of relationships do this but pain..is not love. It’s pain.
3. Don’t break up to make up. Break up to break up.
Some people break up with their partner because they think it will galvanise them into action. Don’t fall into this trap. Not only is it manipulation and game playing but it is likely to backfire, and do it often enough or threaten it, and your input into the relationship will carry very little weight. On the flipside, others break up, but put themselves on hold in the hope that their absence from their ‘loved ones’ loves will suddenly make them see that they are ‘the one’. The trouble is that one of you is getting on with your lives and the other one has come to a standstill living in limbo. Can you guess which one you would be? The reality is that when you break up, you best be serious and with the right intentions, and you need to live your life as if your relationship is O.V.E.R. If anything is going to happen, trust me, you’re future relationship will benefit from the fact that you didn’t sit around pining, throwing your life away whilst he lived his life to the fullest. As many women discover when they stake themselves on a man, you could be in for an eternal wait.
4. That getting back in the saddle stuff is crap - Have a break from dating
Whilst some people have hides of rhinos, in truth, most people struggle to date immediately after their relationship has ended. For a start, you need to have healed and let go of your previous relationship - instead, dating straight after a break-up is like turning up on your dates with 30kg plus of luggage. Not attractive and it’s actually unfair on the other party, especially if they are looking to forge relationships. And whilst you may think you’re being clever by dating or shagging around with men who aren’t looking for a relationship, you are likely to pick up some bad relationship habits, become emotionally unavailable, and end up in a poor relationship.
5. You can’t be friends…at least not for now
You probably want to be friends because you’re secretly holding out hope. If it’s him that’s proposing friendship and there was anything remotely dubious about your relationship, he is offering the friend card because:
1) Men don’t like to look like assclowns…even when they are…
2) So he can poke around in your life and stop you from moving on…even though he can’t give you what you want and he’s moving on.
3) So he can hit you up for a shag/money/ego stroke as and when he needs it.
Probably something you’ll struggle to admit, but if you dig a bit deep, you’re likely to discover that you have no reason to believe that you have the makings of a great friendship. I am yet to find even one ex in my past who is friendship material. If you were friends first (and I don’t mean friends for a week or for a few months whilst he tried to hit you up for sex whilst pretending to be your friend), but real friends, then yeah, you probably can be friends…in 6 months or a year. You can’t go from being in a relationship to friendship without complication. Pushing for friendship after breaking up will at times to certain types of men (read: assclowns) reek of desperation and neediness. My advice - get a real friend - one you haven’t exchanged bodily fluids and a complicated relationship with. If you really, really, REALLY have to be friends, hold off for a while, get on with your life, and revisit your idea about this in 3, 6, or 12 months time, but immediate friendship - don’t bother.
Part 2 follows tomorrow!
Your thoughts? Have you learnt anything about break-ups? Have you experienced any of these struggles?
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailable’s, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Annoyed September 15th, 2008, 2:35 pm
Right on, NML!
In reference to number 5, I think I am finally ready to move on from my ex but he, the EUM, keeps disrespecting my space. I told him some time ago to leave me alone, I deleted his number, set all of my social-networking accounts to private and even deleted him there, and yet, he keeps contacting me. Thank goodness for the No Contact Rule. I keep telling myself, “Do not engage,” and it works on my part.
I realize that he is completely selfish and is acting out like a little boy because he can’t have his way (be my friend and sleep with me), but I just wish he’d disappear. So much for a future friendship; I’m not holding out hope.
Hot Alpha Female September 15th, 2008, 3:39 pm
Hey Girl,
You make some awesome points over there. I especially like the one you make where you say you shouldn’t break up to make up .. you should break up to break up.
So many times we threaten to leave the relationship when it starts getting bad. Then one day the guy calls ur bluff and your totally screwed.
I think as a good general rule … you should feel like you want to breakup with a guy consistently for a full week before you mention anything.
Then if at any time that u want to be with him .. then that week starts over again.
Just a general guideline which i found really helps … to keep you fro using breaking up as a weapon.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Stacy September 15th, 2008, 3:48 pm
Great post. #4 and 5 especially. I am 4 months post-breakup and am struggling to get back into the dating scene. I am trying to get “back in the saddle” but mostly I just can’t wait for the dates to be over so I can go home and curl up on my couch. THAT BEING SAID, there is something helpful about having things to do involving new people. Gets my head just a little bit out of “ex pining” mode.
On #5, I am friends with only one ex-boyfriend. And we didn’t talk for almost a year after we broke up. So yes, the “wait 3, 6, 12 months” before trying to forge a friendship thing is extremely good advice.
brokenheartagain September 15th, 2008, 4:34 pm
Question for the all the great posters here. What is the best way to break up after “the last bad thing” they did? I’m going through this right now. I am vacillating between No Contact and never saying another word to him or having the break up talk…which could get messy.
Do you think it’s better to have that break up talk which could end in tears, yelling..etc. OR just do NO CONTACT and walk away without saying a word but actually NO CONTACT says quite a bit.
Anyone have thoughts on which is the best way to go??
PS. I can’t believe NML addressed break ups today….it was so timely for me. Thanks NML!!
Honey September 15th, 2008, 5:07 pm
I can’t remember how long it took after Lance and I broke up to become friends again. Wehad known each other for years before dating, but it still took awhile. So yes, I agree with everything said here!
De September 15th, 2008, 5:33 pm
Thank you so much,
i feel you have written this just for me (I know not really
but, it really has given me the answers I needed. I know for sure the only reason he is contacting me is cause I was his cozy ego stroke. My last email to him will be that he will hear from me in three months, if I feel I am ready to give him a friendship and for him not to contact me at all. If he does, no contact will follow.
Thanks for your thought and kindness
De
Astelle September 15th, 2008, 5:42 pm
De, what is the point of sending him an e-mail announcing that you will contact him again in 3 months? You said that all he wants is an ego stroke, so why offer him friendship? Makes no sense to me at all. You are fooling yourself and need to cut the contact.
Cynnie September 15th, 2008, 7:22 pm
Brokenheartagain
I think it depends on what your intention is. If you’re hoping to get closure, then the “talk” followed by no contact would be my approach. However, be prepared that you may NEVER get the closure you seek, such as understanding the why’s, what if’s and how come’s. And if you’re hoping that he might try to stop you and plead for another chance, you may be sorely disappointed.
If the reason for your breakup is the same ongoing, re-hashed, cyclical issue that has been talked to death, I would just implement no cocntact , especially if you have threaten to leave before. Don’t give him the heads up, because if you slip, then you will lose your credibility.
What ever you do, No Contact is important so that you can focus on yourself and start the healing process. Breakups are a real bit@h and it will be some time before you feel better.
*Hang in there*
angela September 15th, 2008, 7:43 pm
what if its been over a year and you’ve tried your best to “get back in the (dating) saddle” but no matter how hard you try to change, you’re still attracting the EXACT SAME kind of “man” as your ex? and its always ending up the same way- getting hurt/used, etc. how am i supposed to break that cycle if i can’t even date- like it must be something with me? how do i know which issue(s) i need to change?
shootingstar67 September 15th, 2008, 7:43 pm
I am looking forward to my planned no contact period starting in Oct. It is impossible to do right now due to alot of loose ends and unfinished businss.
I dont’ know what is going to happen after the no contact period. I imagine that I might just never contact him again. I might not want to. Expecially if I clean everything up now.
I don’t want to have to call him in three months because I needed a name of that dentist or something when I can get that name now.
I don’t know if he is going to contact me or not. Bur He is SO over me right now that I am getting his co-operation.
I rebounded with Steve from a guy named Doug. After Steve and I broke up I called Doug. I still call him occasionally but I really avoid being around him. If he is hosting a party for example, I won’t’ go unless I have a date. Or if he invites me over, I don’t go.
I bring this up because it can be an example of what can happen after no contact.
You sometimes become casual acquaintances and have pleasant chats occasionally, but you are not friends.
You can trust friends not to take advantage of your feelings for them. You can hang out with them and be safe emotionally. They keep their hands off you.
De September 15th, 2008, 10:02 pm
Hi Astelle,
thanks for writing
Sorry re-reading my mail I realize I didn’t quite make my thought process clear.
I will ask him not to contact me for three months… in my mind I have already decided I will not contact him ever, It’s just, knowing him, if I said that I wanted no contact he would turn up the heat and not leave me alone…(this is what he’s doing now with the no contact, he’s panicking and I’m getting emails)… telling him ‘give me three months will hopefully get him off my back and get him to turn somewhere else. I will be stronger in three months if he gets back in contact.
At the moment I ‘m still a bit afraid of him.
Or I am still not seeing something?
De
Astelle September 15th, 2008, 10:08 pm
De, cutting contact right now will get him of your back. Let him turn up the heat, you don’t have to respond. If he is panicking right now or in 3 months, I don’t see the difference. The no contact is for you not him.
AND, if you are a bit afraid of him, that makes it even worse.
Cut the contact!!
Astelle September 15th, 2008, 10:11 pm
shootingstar, you should NOT contact him ever again, he has a girlfriend and made it perfectly clear that he is not interested. By you making contact you are keeping your pain alive and that is not good for you.
Why would you do that to yourself? Let him go…
Loving Annie September 15th, 2008, 10:14 pm
augggh, it ate my comment !!!
brokenheartagain September 15th, 2008, 10:28 pm
Cynnie……..I’m truly done with him. We’ve had breakups and good bye talks before but it’s always been me sobbing and saying goodbye, then doing NC., followed by him pestering me to no end. If the NC goes on longer then a month he really turns up the heat and blows very hot.
The bottom line is I can’t take this anymore, I don’t want to live this way anymore and want him out of my life. This is probably one of the most painful relationships I’ve ever been in, it must be similar to “kicking a hard drug”.
The reason I wondered about whether to just initiate NC or have “the talk” and then do NC is that in the past, I’ve never really had the chance to tell him how I feel or what damage he’s done to my psyche. I guess in the scheme of things it probably won’t matter much to him what I say but it’s important to me. He just doesn’t get to walk all over my heart without at least hearing about it. So I think I’m going to have “the talk” but only if he calls. I won’t call him to initiate it. Then it will be NC for good.
Thanks for your concern and advise. I know I can get through this because he pulled something so egregious this time that there is no going back. I HAVE to move on for my sanity.
Astelle September 15th, 2008, 10:34 pm
brokenheartagain, what did he pull??
De September 15th, 2008, 11:13 pm
Astelle,
thank you…I will from now do my no contact for me!
I hear you!
De
brokenhearted I was where you are now three months ago and the ‘talk’ ended with him raging at me, me crying and apologizing to him! I realized then any contact would mean giving him the opportunity to drop bombs on me whenever he wanted to. remember, any attention is attention for them, they eat it like candy.
give them an argument and to them it means they still have you hooked which they love. They do not CARE about you. No contact will give you the peace of mind, honest within two weeks I was over him.
this latest contact on his part is him reminding me of all the good things he has done for me, honest he listed them!! Luckily I am able to counter point them with a nasty thing. weighing it up, the mean cruel things outweigh any good time and the pain was the only thing I was holding onto. let it go, you will get to a better place really quickly, that a promise
Happiness is waiting for you, give it to yourself, you deserve it, but it only comes when he is not there to destroy it.
tulipa September 16th, 2008, 3:06 am
When you are in the middle of it all the break up that is .. you honestly don’t think there is an end to it … I went through anger and sadness and thought how long does this take to get over and I tried to rush things but you can’t and eventually you do get over it but it takes time.
Some books I have read think you should spend just one day wallowing over a break up then move on… I don’t personally feel this is possible.
It does take time
shootingstar67 September 16th, 2008, 5:15 am
Astelle
The reason I still talk to him is I work for him And I have to complete this project.
He and I have both decided mutually to start no contact in Oct.
NML September 16th, 2008, 4:27 pm
Wow! Thanks for all of your comments ladies.
Annoyed - Don’t engage, don’t discuss, don’t explain, and definitely don’t hope. He has shown what he wants so you have no reason to keep him in your life. Cut him offffff!
HAF - I agree. Kneejerking, threatening it, and then backing up makes you look silly, plus deciding to break up and doing it in one day lacks a lot of thought. You need a consistent feeling plus it means you won’t backtrack.
Stacy - it’s never easy to start dating and if it doesn’t get better you can always step out of it. Maybe you aren’t ready to date and that is perfectly fine. Do things for yourself and enjoy yourself with family and friends
brokenheartagain - if you’ve never broken up before, one explanation is fine, otherwise no contact. If he’s a Mr Unavailable, I would definitely employ no contact, and if he’s done lots of bad things, say SEE YA! Either way cut off.
Honey - You know I’m fascinated by you two!
ShootingStar67 - Reading through your comments - complicated. Definitely read my post on the Get Out Plan because yours is not a clear cut plus whatever happens, it looks like you may have some contact. It means one of you has to be stronger and get on with their lives - I was in your position. All you can do is stick to your guns, ignore anything inappropriate, and cut them off when they cross the line.
De - Cut contact as you’re just prolonging the agony. I see your thought process but trust me, he’ll just mess with your mind. I understand your fears, but feel the fear…and cut off contact anyway.
Astelle - Wow! Trust me ladies, this is coming from a woman who has been there and done that. She is sparing you pain!
Cynnie - Very wise words. You have learnt a lot!
Angela - I will do a post specifically on this subject.
Tulipa - Your wallow period could be a month if you felt like it, it’s just that at some point, it’s got to end. A day seems very strange but on the flipside, wallowing for an extended period of time says pity and no-one should pity themselves. If it benefits you, then great, but the problem is that 99% of people I come across see no benefit from extended wallowing - just pain. What you can take from their advice, is maybe it’s good to set a deadline, indulge yourself, and then pick yourself up.
Honey September 16th, 2008, 6:22 pm
NML, thanks, that’s funny
Basically he was a jackass when we broke up and I forgave him (after a significant amount of NC, I had moved 2200 miles away after all so it was easy) much later. He’ll tell you the same. Perhaps we’ll post the deets someday, who knows…
brokenheartagain September 16th, 2008, 6:22 pm
NML……we have been down this path before so I am doing NC right now. He’s called and IM”d me but I can see now that no matter what I say it won’t make a difference. Thank you for your input.
Astelle…..The egregious thing he did was cheat on me AGAIN. He promised he would never see this woman and I foolishly took him back but he lied and I found out. So there is no going back now…..
De…..I agree with you about “the talk”. It goes no where. Just as you said, we are the ones that end up sobbing and somehow they turn the tables and try to make it all seem so normal. So I’m going with NC…day 3. I ‘m so addicted to this man…I can’t eat and hardly sleep but I’m determined to get through this. I won’t continue to live my life this way.
I just hate the pain of getting through the breakup.