Astelle…..The egregious thing he did was cheat on me AGAIN. He promised he would never see this woman and I foolishly took him back but he lied and I found out. So there is no going back now…..

De…..I agree with you about “the talk”. It goes no where. Just as you said, we are the ones that end up sobbing and somehow they turn the tables and try to make it all seem so normal. So I’m going with NC…day 3. I ‘m so addicted to this man…I can’t eat and hardly sleep but I’m determined to get through this. I won’t continue to live my life this way.

I just hate the pain of getting through the breakup.

Annoyed - Don’t engage, don’t discuss, don’t explain, and definitely don’t hope. He has shown what he wants so you have no reason to keep him in your life. Cut him offffff!
HAF - I agree. Kneejerking, threatening it, and then backing up makes you look silly, plus deciding to break up and doing it in one day lacks a lot of thought. You need a consistent feeling plus it means you won’t backtrack.
Stacy - it’s never easy to start dating and if it doesn’t get better you can always step out of it. Maybe you aren’t ready to date and that is perfectly fine. Do things for yourself and enjoy yourself with family and friends
brokenheartagain - if you’ve never broken up before, one explanation is fine, otherwise no contact. If he’s a Mr Unavailable, I would definitely employ no contact, and if he’s done lots of bad things, say SEE YA! Either way cut off.
Honey - You know I’m fascinated by you two!
ShootingStar67 - Reading through your comments - complicated. Definitely read my post on the Get Out Plan because yours is not a clear cut plus whatever happens, it looks like you may have some contact. It means one of you has to be stronger and get on with their lives - I was in your position. All you can do is stick to your guns, ignore anything inappropriate, and cut them off when they cross the line.
De - Cut contact as you’re just prolonging the agony. I see your thought process but trust me, he’ll just mess with your mind. I understand your fears, but feel the fear…and cut off contact anyway.
Astelle - Wow! Trust me ladies, this is coming from a woman who has been there and done that. She is sparing you pain!
Cynnie - Very wise words. You have learnt a lot!
Angela - I will do a post specifically on this subject.
Tulipa - Your wallow period could be a month if you felt like it, it’s just that at some point, it’s got to end. A day seems very strange but on the flipside, wallowing for an extended period of time says pity and no-one should pity themselves. If it benefits you, then great, but the problem is that 99% of people I come across see no benefit from extended wallowing - just pain. What you can take from their advice, is maybe it’s good to set a deadline, indulge yourself, and then pick yourself up.

The reason I still talk to him is I work for him And I have to complete this project.

He and I have both decided mutually to start no contact in Oct.

thank you…I will from now do my no contact for me!

I hear you!

De

brokenhearted I was where you are now three months ago and the ‘talk’ ended with him raging at me, me crying and apologizing to him! I realized then any contact would mean giving him the opportunity to drop bombs on me whenever he wanted to. remember, any attention is attention for them, they eat it like candy.
give them an argument and to them it means they still have you hooked which they love. They do not CARE about you. No contact will give you the peace of mind, honest within two weeks I was over him.

this latest contact on his part is him reminding me of all the good things he has done for me, honest he listed them!! Luckily I am able to counter point them with a nasty thing. weighing it up, the mean cruel things outweigh any good time and the pain was the only thing I was holding onto. let it go, you will get to a better place really quickly, that a promise

Happiness is waiting for you, give it to yourself, you deserve it, but it only comes when he is not there to destroy it.

The bottom line is I can’t take this anymore, I don’t want to live this way anymore and want him out of my life. This is probably one of the most painful relationships I’ve ever been in, it must be similar to “kicking a hard drug”.

The reason I wondered about whether to just initiate NC or have “the talk” and then do NC is that in the past, I’ve never really had the chance to tell him how I feel or what damage he’s done to my psyche. I guess in the scheme of things it probably won’t matter much to him what I say but it’s important to me. He just doesn’t get to walk all over my heart without at least hearing about it. So I think I’m going to have “the talk” but only if he calls. I won’t call him to initiate it. Then it will be NC for good.

Thanks for your concern and advise. I know I can get through this because he pulled something so egregious this time that there is no going back. I HAVE to move on for my sanity.

AND, if you are a bit afraid of him, that makes it even worse.
Cut the contact!!

thanks for writing

Sorry re-reading my mail I realize I didn’t quite make my thought process clear.
I will ask him not to contact me for three months… in my mind I have already decided I will not contact him ever, It’s just, knowing him, if I said that I wanted no contact he would turn up the heat and not leave me alone…(this is what he’s doing now with the no contact, he’s panicking and I’m getting emails)… telling him ‘give me three months will hopefully get him off my back and get him to turn somewhere else. I will be stronger in three months if he gets back in contact.
At the moment I ‘m still a bit afraid of him.

Or I am still not seeing something?

De

I dont’ know what is going to happen after the no contact period. I imagine that I might just never contact him again. I might not want to. Expecially if I clean everything up now.

I don’t want to have to call him in three months because I needed a name of that dentist or something when I can get that name now.

I don’t know if he is going to contact me or not. Bur He is SO over me right now that I am getting his co-operation.

I rebounded with Steve from a guy named Doug. After Steve and I broke up I called Doug. I still call him occasionally but I really avoid being around him. If he is hosting a party for example, I won’t’ go unless I have a date. Or if he invites me over, I don’t go.

I bring this up because it can be an example of what can happen after no contact.
You sometimes become casual acquaintances and have pleasant chats occasionally, but you are not friends.

You can trust friends not to take advantage of your feelings for them. You can hang out with them and be safe emotionally. They keep their hands off you.

I think it depends on what your intention is. If you’re hoping to get closure, then the “talk” followed by no contact would be my approach. However, be prepared that you may NEVER get the closure you seek, such as understanding the why’s, what if’s and how come’s. And if you’re hoping that he might try to stop you and plead for another chance, you may be sorely disappointed.

If the reason for your breakup is the same ongoing, re-hashed, cyclical issue that has been talked to death, I would just implement no cocntact , especially if you have threaten to leave before. Don’t give him the heads up, because if you slip, then you will lose your credibility.

What ever you do, No Contact is important so that you can focus on yourself and start the healing process. Breakups are a real bit@h and it will be some time before you feel better.

*Hang in there*