Alan 41, is a Scotsman with an English accent, who could never be accused of lacking variety as he has been a failed actor, a theatre director, is working as an IBM mainframe contractor, has had his book London Correspondence: Jack the Ripper and the Irish Press published, and also writes articles on true crime and mountaineering for a number of publications. He is father to 3 children, whom live with their mother and think that he’s pretty cool unorthodox dad, and he is obsessed with David Bowie. He struggles to relate to men his own age as he hasn’t developed a desire to become golf-obsessed, listen to bland music and watch motoring programmes.

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Jaqs Untested* Dating Strategies #1: Astrodating

During a recent foray into the battlefield that is modern dating, I faced once again horrors of dating. At the time, I treated all expeditions as ‘dating experiments’. Evidently, one of them must have worked to see me unable to test any future theories. Instead, I set you the challenge of performing the experiments which I am no longer able to. 

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Vocally oral ? A Guy’s Guide to Going Down

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The Spit or Swallow Debate

Oral sex..more specifically blowjobs! Do you spit or swallow? Isn’t that really the question most guys want to know? Is it not also the question most women wonder whether or not there is a correct answer to?

If you do swallow does that make you a slut? Does it make you a “bad girl”? The answer is no. I can tell you that it actually turns a guy on. With that said, why is this topic of ultimate debate?
The answer is easy - it’s the taboo topic.
I’ve always found it interesting that many couples don’t really talk about oral sex before it happens; specifically blow jobs. Either the woman is too shy to bring it up or the guy just hopes to catch her with a creamy surprise. Truth is when it comes to giving an awesome blowjob it’s not really about the spit or swallow dilemma it’s about communication.
However, let’s take a few moments to discuss both options. Of course first we will explore the road less traveled - which is swallowing. (my personal preference)
Why do men prefer a girl who swallows over one who spits? That’s easy! Spitting can often be viewed as being rejected or disapproved of. Honestly, let’s think about it. If a guy went down on you but pulled away the moment they tasted your vagina juices - how would you feel? Mmmmhmmm exactly!
If you’ve never swallowed before there are three things that you will want to take into consideration:
1. Has he been tested for HIV or STDs? If not, I wouldn’t give him a blow job without a condom. This is also a trust issue if this is only a one night stand. Play it smart ladies! Don’t take chances!
2. Communicate before! If you absolutely do not wish to swallow - speak up or you are liable to get a spurting surprise, and nothing is worse than not expecting it! When you know it’s cumming you can be ready to down it like a pro.
3. Diet affects taste! This is not a myth. If at first the taste is bitter - explore with cinnamon, fruit juices (pineapple is my favorite), parsley or even wheatgrass.
If it’s your first time swallowing ask your fellow to signal to you when he’s about to cum. He can do this with a squeeze of the hand or a cue that you both develop together; at least until you are familiar with the natural signs that his body gives you. This will help you prepare yourself and be ready.
I realize that not all women will swallow, however if you are a spitter do it tactfully. Gagging or immediately running to the bathroom to spit and brush your teeth is a major turn-off.
How can you spit like a lady? Gather a “spit-kit” have it near the bed. It should contain a towel, a cup, and a damp washcloth that you can use to wipe your mouth. There is nothing like ruining the moment with a get-up and run reaction.

Should a woman spit or swallow?

Contributed by Risque Smile

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Dating in a Metropolitan Area Compared To Elsewhere

New York, London, Chicago. Life here, like everything else, seems to speed up a few notches, and for most of us singles this also includes dating.
Now forget for a moment that in any large city you can find speed dating on any given night of the week, or that a one night stand is just about as easy to find as a frapuccino from your local Starbucks. And forget everything other, than that life in these metropolitan centres speeds along a lot faster then anywhere else and with it so does - dating.

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5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Have Sex with a Partner for the First Time

I’ve decided after years of dating that the next time I have sex with someone, I’m going to be damn sure that the ‘relationship’ is going somewhere. This list is based on the premise
that you don’t want to have casual sex and you’re going for the long haul.

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Getting Through to Him

Ladies if you’ve been wondering why you feel like you’re going round and round in circles, there is hope with these communication tips. You can get through to him.

Everybody knows that men and women are different and there are hundreds of self-help books trying to explain the differences. Men and women want to solve each other, but I don’t think that we can. We can understand each other to a certain extent, but we are never going to be able to overcome the characteristics that make males and females.

Whenever women get together, at some point the discussion will head into a territory about respective partners, or men in general. One of the things that’s often discussed is the bewilderment at a man’s behaviour or something that he has said, despite the fact that this man should understand what needs to be done or said.

The great majority of my female friends speak English. It is their first language, and all of us speak it well. Most of them feel that they are able to communicate how they feel, what they want, and what they need. So do women speak in code, or do men have a relationship dyslexia?
A woman has communicated to her man that she wants to get married and have children. He appears to agree with how she feels. Months have passed, and there’s no ring on the finger, and they are no closer to marriage than I am to marrying Morris Chestnut. She thinks that he must be nervous about what she will do if she doesn’t get what she wants. I disagree.

Although what she wants and needs has been communicated, the man has made no steps towards giving her this, and he hasn’t called time on the relationship. Each time there is an argument, he ‘thinks’ that he says all of the right things to keep her placated and quiet - until next time. Most importantly, she is still there.

This is where the man is interpreting and understanding his conscious messages from. Deep down in his gut level, he knows that he could or can lose her, but there is another level swirling with ego, delusion, bravado, arrogance and stupidity. This level tells him that he has all of his bases covered and that he has told her enough to keep her quiet. He can kid himself that all is okay because she is physically still there.

When it comes to love and relationship issues, men suddenly don’t hear too well and their brains filter out certain types of information so that they hear what they want to hear. Here are some tips to ease the frustration and increase communication so that you ultimately get through to him.

Men are very literal. They don’t read between the lines, they don’t pick up on hints very well and they will take you at your word. I had a friend recently crying because her boyfriend was going with his friend to meet two women. “That bastard. Wait till I get my hands on him. I can’t believe he has just sprung this on you.” That’s when she looked sheepish. It seems that she’d known about it for ages but felt that he ‘knew’ she wasn’t happy. He didn’t know jack shit. If she’s grinning away, telling him that it’s ok to go, even if he senses that there may be an underlying tension, he will take his chances because she hasn’t actually stated her unhappiness.
This means that you should:

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be as clear and concise as possible so that he doesn’t use something that you forgot to say as his get out clause.

Don’t hint. Hinting is for board games/charades etc when you want the person to get the answer. It is not the way to communicate how you feel in a relationship. Men do not pick up on hints very well and even when they do, it has taken them absolutely donkeys to get the hang of it, which means that there will have been many arguments along the way.

Questioning technique. Be careful with the use of open (who, what, where, how, when) and closed questions (require yes or no answer). In sales the use of open questions is key in making inroads into a client relationship, but if you want a man to tell you whether he intends to marry you or not, it’s best to go with “Do you want to get married to me?” as opposed to “How do you feel about marriage?”

With the first question, you are putting yourself at the heart of his answer and if he starts going into a big explanation then you know you have some work to do, because the question requires a yes or no.

With the second question, even though in your mind you intend for it to be about you and him, the man will hear this as a general question about marriage which he will depersonalise, even if his nuts shrivelling is telling him that there is a distinct possibility that this is about you and him. Once you have your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer in the first question, this will let you know which open questions you need to pursue him with.

Follow through. Don’t make empty threats. If you say you’re going to do something if he doesn’t and then you don’t, men subconsciously interpret this as a thumbs up to carry on doing what they like. Repeatedly doing this weakens any of your arguments.

Dry those tears. I know it’s hard, but eyes filling with tears, or big fat tears rolling down your face, or sobbing in between choking out the questions weakens whatever you have to say and it is difficult to regain your position. Men are hunters, gatherers, fixers and self involved, which means it will be interpreted that there is something wrong with you that was caused by something else other than him, because his ego won’t let him believe that it’s his actions that could have brought on the tears. Even if he does believe that it’s him who has caused it, he will feel manipulated because since men were little boys, the start of a females tears signalled the time to back down and hand over the toy, say sorry, or let go of her hair.

Easy on the accusations. Try not to go in from an accusatory position because men translate this into “Oh here we go. She’s nagging. God this is like listening to my mum/significant woman that has ‘nagged’ him in his life”. State what it is that is bothering you and how whatever he has done has caused you to feel. It’s best to avoid conversations that start with “ You’re a complete wanker for not taking the bins out” and better to go with “I noticed that the bins weren’t taken out this morning. Can we agree on who will take out the bins and when, because I must admit that I really don’t want to be taking them out each day? I know it’s a shitty task but if we take it in turns, we can both feel bad together.”

Tone is key. If you start the conversation in a tone that he associates with all hell breaking loose, he will immediately go on the defensive. Catch him off guard by starting the conversation in a positive tone.

Back away. If you’re not getting anywhere, step away and come back to the conversation at a later stage with a fresh approach. The more you push, the more stubborn he gets, the less he is hearing what you have to say. Obviously it’s unlikely that he’ll be getting any if there’s a big disagreement, but don’t tell him that. It’s funny, but true, that most men weigh up how far they will push things based on how much sex is going to get knocked off their subconscious sex schedule. Don’t tell him that you know that he thinks like this (they really do think that they’re very clever and that we don’t know) and remember this when he’s kicking off and letting his ego and pride get in the way of good communication. When he’s greeted with sub zero temperatures under the covers, something in his subconscious will tell him to make sure that he sorts it out with you ASAP. It is one of the few ‘hints’ that men ‘suddenly’ understand.

The most important thing though is to stop being there. If he’s not coming through on the big stuff and you’re miserable then walk away. Sometimes we need to put distance between us to see things objectively. If you’re still there even though you’re telling him that he’s not doing the things that you want him to do, and he’s not meeting you half way, the man thinks that things are not great but manageable. If you have spelt it out in black and white, leaving no room for misinterpretation and communication remains a one way street and the situation hasn’t changed, it’s time to step away. If they don’t know what they have, walking away, even if it’s only for a while, can communicate more than any words can.

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim

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JonnyB Queries the term ‘New Man’

Most men are unsure of what a ‘new man’ is and JonnyB explains his confusion and how he is doing the best that he can.

So I received the email.

“Would you, as a celebrity blogger, be interested in writing an article. I’d really love it if you could. Your weblog is the best in the world, better than everybody else’s, and I bet you’re really fit as well.” (I paraphrase, having read between the lines as sometimes one has to do when women use email).

One gets these sorts of requests as a celebrity blogger, notwithstanding the fact that being a celebrity blogger is a bit like being one of the key midfield players for Sutton United – vaguely interesting for a few hundred sad people in the know, but unlikely to get you oral sex backstage at the Oscars ceremony.

(NB if you are a famous Hollywood actress and are reading this and disagree, please contact me via email).

(NB unless you are Bea Arthur)

“I have Alan, who is wonderfully insightful, Greavsie, who is my favourite metrosexual, so I’ve asked you because you’re so not a new man and make no attempt to hide it.”

I frowned at this slightly, as I was not sure that she had quite got the right gist. Also, to tell the truth, I was a bit cross. I look forward to a follow up commission: “we’re wondering if you could do us 500 words on penis size. We already have several people lined up who have above-average ones, so for balance your input would be particularly welcome.”

Which of course would be stupid as I wouldn’t be able to comment on that without lying, which I don’t do, and besides it is what you do with it that counts and also they are all more the same size when erect anyway, especially if you push the ruler quite hard into the base of your stomach before measuring.

But the thing about me not being a new man is almost libellous, as here I am, househusbanding away, the newest of new men that there can possibly be. When my other half, the LTLP, gets home, I will have her dinner ready for her if I don’t go to the pub, and the place will be spick and span because I have paid the cleaner.

And when was the last time she defragmented the hard drive, then. Eh?

I think the problem might be one of terminology. I don’t really understand this new man phrase at all. I like women immensely as they are fascinating company and astute and their skin is so soft. But as I don’t read magazines like GQ and Men’s Health and things I might be getting the wrong end of the stick as to what men should be about these days. Perhaps I should buy some grooming products and get some wanky black spectacles and that would get me more new man points.

Men just aren’t like this ideal, you see. Just like women aren’t like the perfect specimens that you see in politically-correct magazines such as Nuts and Zoo. The fact is, the genders have achieved a level of equality now, and so men are allowed to be a bit more feminine, whereas women can do more male type things like setting up websites like this, which was very clever and brave of them.

I am not like these dinosaur old men who are sexualist in their attitude, and just because I do not like Dido does not mean that I do not understand and appreciate the fairer sex.

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The Science of Men and Women-How to Solve Problems

There is a popular misconception beginning to surface again in the modern science of relationship analysis that says: