Don’t Drag It Out
There is an appropriate time to mourn a relationship and you should try to keep it in balance with the period of time that you were together. I.e. You shouldn’t spend a year getting over someone you were with for a month. Charlotte from Sex and the City suggests in an episode that we should allocate a third of the time that you were together for ‘mourning’ so if you’re together for three months, you get a month. I say that, if you can make it shorter, go ahead. I’m not cold, and of course you should be upset, but you also need to take care of number one and focus on moving forward. The reason why people take so long to get over people is because they have trouble letting go. Their clinging to hurt, ideals, and the shoulda, woulda, coulda, whilst their life passes them by and the ex has long moved on.

Other actions to steer clear of:
Revenge is supposed to be sweet but it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Don’t spam him, don’t submit his personal info to dubious websites, don’t mess with his credit cards, don’t destroy anything that isn’t yours, don’t involve fire and flames in anything, don’t cock up your job or career for him, don’t stay in bed for a few months, and don’t turn up in a fur coat and no knickers, repeatedly. Maintain your dignity!
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim

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Exhale, Embrace, Enjoy!

It’s that time of year when you tend to spend a lot of time around your family or catch up with various friends that you haven’t seen for a while and it’s a times like this when you reflect on the past in between stuffing your face with mince pies. I’m generally a positive, happy person although I do have my off days, weeks and even the occasional month. However, I do seem to have a limited capacity for dwelling on things. I wonder if it’s because I’m forgetful or if I am numb to some things, but I think it’s partly because I must be an eternal optimist. I live with what can sometimes be a debilitating disease (sarcoidosis) but I try to live my life as normally as possible because if I don’t, and I give in to the bloody thing, God knows what would happen to me!

I admire people’s capacity to date, fall in love/develop feelings, get knocked down and jump back in the saddle as much as I admire people who get into much deeper relationships that last for years and sometimes where marriage or children are involved and for whatever reason things don’t work out, yet many eventually do get back in the saddle. We feel a lot of pain to make our ‘gains’, yet we keep trying. Do we keep trying because society, our peers, our family make us feel that we have to try, or do we try because of our own internal pressures, or do we try just because we try?

One morning two and a half years ago, after an extended period of disagreement and monumental jackass behaviour, I woke up, went for a walk (I’m so not a walking person unless it involves shopping) and I gained more clarity in that hour than I had for a couple of years. A few hours later I had packed up what I could manage into my friends car, made the difficult phone call and walked away, or should I say we drove away from my engagement and so called ‘perfect’ life. If I dig deep and asked myself what upset me the most about the break-up, it was about the loss of plans, the enormity of the changes to my future, the explanations and what felt like the hideous uncertainty.

One minute you share a home, you’ve got a ring on your finger and the countless things that you’ve talked about but haven’t taken place yet. Next thing, it’s gone because of a decision, a thought process, a realisation. Of course everything seemed hideously uncertain! I go on dates that are so ridiculous I think I’ve been set up by a hidden camera show, but it doesn’t stop me from saying yes the next time I want to go on a date with someone.

Living single can be and should be great fun and is far from being the awful thing that some people believe it to be, but that uncertainty can make us feel scared sometimes and we forget about the good things in life. Sometimes we just have to take a chance on ourselves, on our optimism and just go with it, embrace it, and go with the flow. We can reflect, we make plans, promises or whatever, but sometimes you need to stop fighting the inner voices that say ‘Coulda, woulda, shoulda’, or ‘I can’t/I won’t/I wouldn’t’ or ‘Maybe this/Maybe that’ and just exhale, embrace and enjoy. Looking back all the time is for people with a bad crick in their neck and unless you want to keep yourself firmly in the past, I suggest you turn around and face your future and enjoy the present.

Exhale, embrace, and enjoy.

Enjoy the season and happy New Year.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim and is enjoying a lovely Christmas with her nutty family.

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Vixen’s Guide to: Interracial Relationships

You cannot choose who you fall in love with ~ love is a fickle mistress and when Cupid’s bow strikes, it doesn’t pay attention to race, nationality or creed. For those of us who adore ALL men, irrespective of race and nationality, this guide will probably come in handy as well.

The world has become a diaspora of every single race, a global melting pot of different cultures and nationalities. The beauty of this is that there is less racism and prejudice than there was say…50 years ago, however it does still exist. Here are some tips to help deal with the attitudes that might stink up your new romance.

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Baggage Check: Letting Go

Letting go. People talk about it like it’s a form of therapy, something you can simply make an appointment to do, but let’s face it, its just not that simple. For some people it comes naturally, a carefree approach to life dictating their ability to pass through it with ease, never begrudging anyone for a second. But for the other forty-seven billion people on the planet, it can be a little more difficult. That *person* who cut you off in traffic, took your parking space in the grocery lot, weaselled in front of you in the check out line with one item—that turned into thirty. Whatever it is, it serves to reason that there would be an understandable level of irritation on your part, but how long is it healthy to dwell on such things?

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Guy friends vs. Girl friends

I am more fortunate than most to have very good friends of both genders. Both sets of friends are loyal, reliable and there for me when I need them the most. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed distinct differences between the inner workings of each group.

The Guy Code
Above all else, the first rule of the guy code states: “If your guy friend has a chance to hook-up with a woman, you must let him, no matter what your plans with him happen to be. This rule shall supersede all others in the Guy Handbook without question”.
Men want their other male (and female) friends to be happy with someone of the opposite sex because they know, from experience, how hard it is to get that someone special. Men are in solidarity with one another when it comes to that sort of thing.
The Gal Code
While women are very supportive of each other, maybe even more than men, they require retaining of their priority status and assume that spending time together is part of that. I know someone who recently had a conversation with one of his girl friends and she told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he was dating someone new it was not okay to spend time with that other girl when he was supposed to be spending time with her. While I was aware of this tendency before this incident, I’d never heard of it leading to an actual conflict in someone’s friendship.
Some long-term female friends feel that when their friends (guy or girl) decide to spend time with someone new instead of them, that the other person is choosing the shiny new “whim” versus a proven friend. They get offended that the novelty of the new outweighs the consistency of the old. Now, I grant you, it is a completely unacceptable situation to spend so much of your time, energy and resources on a new love interest that you’re no longer able to be a good friend. However failing to acknowledge that newer relationships, by their very nature, take more work and effort than older ones, is just plain unrealistic. This is especially true for guys who have to work hard to prove themselves to the new women they date in order for trust to really take hold.
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From my perspective I don’t think you are devaluing your older friends when you spend time talking with a new flame. This is why:
Let’s say that you only have 40 hours of free time per week for personal stuff (assuming that you get home at 6 pm and stay awake until 10pm [on week nights] and have 10 hours for each day of the weekend = [4 hrs per day Mon- Fri.] 20 + [Sat.]10 + [Sun.]10 = 40 hrs.)
Now with those 40 hours you have to do things like shower, eat, go the lavatory and run menial errands. So let’s knock your available time down to 32 hrs.
Of that, you are trying to establish a new relationship so you go out to a dinner two nights a week, talk on the phone, send little cutesy e-mails, etc. This takes time if it’s going really well, and could take 15 hours of your time away from any other activity. Whereas just talking to your friend on the phone, since you’re not building a relationship, simply maintaining one, takes an average of 3 hours a week (and since you have multiple older friends it’s not so simple as only 3 hours because you’d have to multiply it against however many friendships, family relationships, etc. you are maintaining).
As you can see the newer relationship is taking up five times more time than the old one and the combination of the two types of relationships leaves you with very little time exclusively for you. But that’s only in the front-end. Eventually maintaining a romance will become much easier because, instead of having to block off time, you two start sharing your lives with one another. So instead of getting a call in the middle of a date that you can’t take, eventually (once formal relationships been established for awhile) you get to the point where you can even invite friends with you on your outings with your new consort.
What I’m saying is that if someone is your friend, they should be looking out for your best interest even if it means sacrificing some of their comfort. It would be wrong to throw away a time tested friendship for only the potential of a romantic partner, but it’s also not right for someone you care about to confine you to not being able to give the appropriate amount of attention to a fledging romance. Make sure the balance is maintained and don’t be afraid to force the issue if it becomes necessary. If they really are your friends, they’ll understand eventually.
Special Dark is a special blend of intelligence, wit, and an irreverant sense of humor that has strong views on women and relationships. Originally descended from the Alpha Male class of the society, he has suited up on debonair charm and retained his gentlemanly ways to the consternation of the rest of his species.

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The ‘Ting’ & Friends Who F*ck/Fumble

This scenario unravelled recently: Two people have been sleeping together for eight years. Yes you did read that right, eight years! It comes to light that he has been seeing someone else and they are going to have their first child. She is ‘heartbroken’ and everyone is outraged on her behalf when she tells her ‘version’ of events, but looking beyond the surface of things, does she have a reason to feel ‘heartbroken’?

Sleeping with someone, even loving someone, doesn’t give ‘ownership’ or ‘rights’. On a subconscious level and some on a far more conscious one, we assume that it does, but it doesn’t. If you’ve been having a casual sexual relationship with someone and had it stretch out for eight years, more fool you for never asking the right questions and putting aside a roll in the sack for even one evening to discuss the ‘state of play’.

If you never refer to someone as your boyfriend/girlfriend, ‘other half,’ or ‘significant other’, it’s undoubtedly because they aren’t. We’re not kids anymore where we have to say, “Will you be my boyfriend?” but there is a time when something shifts and you head in that direction. Call me sceptical, but it doesn’t take eight years to get there, in fact, it often doesn’t even take eight months. If you’re having sex with someone over an extended period but you aren’t in a relationship per se, it’s just a ‘shag’ or as some of my Jamaican friends refer to it, a ‘ting’ (thing minus the ‘h’).

Failing to even acknowledge to friends that you are anything other than a ting, not telling anyone that the person even exists, telling your family you’re single, are all signs that that he’s a ting’, you’re a ‘ting’ and in actual fact, you don’t have any’ting’ other than good sexual chemistry. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I.e. you can bonk his brains out and be the best shag he’s ever had but if he doesn’t make you his girlfriend (and that’s what you want), you’re wasting your time.

What’s the difference between being a ‘ting’ or Friends Who F*ck? FWF is a casual sex arrangement with a trusted friend. It should only be embarked upon where a few ground rules have been established and it should be on an ad hoc basis and not fall into a routine, as routine has an ‘r’ in it like ‘relationship’. It shouldn’t be an ongoing arrangement over a long period of time and there shouldn’t be any thinking that you’re the others significant other; you’re their significant shag partner.

A ‘ting’ on the other hand isn’t something that necessarily starts with a friend. One party may have entered into the sexual relationship under the impression that it was something that was leading towards something more solid, yet lo and behold, it’s just sex. It feels like you’re in the routine of a relationship as it’s frequent enough, yet there is no relationship bar a sexual one. These can stretch out for quite long periods of time and whilst on the surface it appears that both parties are getting exactly what they want, one party, often the woman, does invest emotionally and mistakes a roll in the sheets over an extended period for a relationship. A ‘ting’ is an inanimate object, defying a vocal description because the ‘object’ hasn’t taken up residence in the emotions and barely requires a name.

If you’re a ‘ting’, there is no point getting all pissy because he’s taken up with someone else, even though it would have served him well to, oh I don’t know, grow some balls and call off the shag/ting first. However, it’s very possible that because he thinks it’s a ‘ting’ that he doesn’t feel that it requires calling off! You may well be upset by the demise of this arrangement, but the energy is wasted. The beauty of being FWF’s is that you both get to have fun and have some of the best elements of a relationship (the sex), without actually being in a relationship. The beauty of being a ‘ting’ (and there really isn’t any beauty to it), is that for the party that benefits from it most, they get all the trimmings, without the cake, and often don’t really invest anything emotionally.

My suggestion is that we don’t engage in being ting’s. You can be FWF’s (Friends Who F*ck/Fumble) but it should be to water the grass when you’re going through a dry spell, not a continuous arrangement for years at a time. Being a ‘ting’ no matter what way you look at it, will wear down on you emotionally over time and is likely to negatively impact on your attitude towards men and relationships much further down the line. I don’t think that there is a happy ending to being a ‘ting’ because you’ll probably feel insecure within the relationship even if he does make the relationship ‘official’. What are we supposed to think of ourselves when someone is willing to sleep with you for a long period of time but not acknowledge your existence? You are short changing yourself by engaging in being a ting and there is no benefit other than getting laid. Have you been out there lately? There is no shortage of guys willing to offer their sexual services. Take it, then leave it, but just don’t extend it!

NML is the editor of Bagage Reclaim

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Vixen’s Guide to: Dealing with the Bastard that Stood You Up

It’s happened to all of us. We are primped, dressed and ready for our evening out, and for some reason or another, he doesn’t show up. Sometimes, he doesn’t even have the courtesy to call and let you know that he isn’t going to make it. So how do we deal with this?

30 minutes after the date time, I tend to either find something else to do (highly recommended), or change into my boudoir knickers and get set for some much needed ‘Me’ time. If he does show up, he has alot of explaining to do and there is no way I’m going out with him that night (if ever again.)

For starters, let’s examine some points of view.

Is this the first date?: With the fast turnover for internet dating, he might have got his wires crossed. Or may hope that you did. Were you supposed to meet him somewhere and you are home waiting? However, I’ve noticed that the cause for him to totally standing you up on a first date is that he is already intimidated by you. Somehow you’ve managed to exceed his expectations already, and his overactive imagination has spooked him out of the date. Chalk it up as his loss and call the next guy on your list.

Did he have pre-date confirmation before the date?: I operate on the premise that there has to be a confirmation of any date before I even begin to get dressed. Let the guy know that he has to call you the day before or earlier in the day to confirm the date. Text messages and emails might work as well, but are not always reliable. Confirm details, where it’s taking place, who is picking up whom etc, and maintain clear communication if anything changes.

Has he done this before? First of all, boohoo to you for giving a guy that stood you up for no reason a second chance. As a woman whose time is in high demand, you shouldn’t even have gone out with him again to set a precedence. If he stands you up and calls to apologise, promising to make it up to you, take it with a grain of salt. If you do decide to go out with him, I would suggest not even getting ready on time and have him waiting on you. Nip the action in the bud, make some smart comments about it, then let it go. Don’t let it colour your whole evening…have fun, have drinks, let him pick up the tab, and then head on home (BY YOURSELF!).

Did he call you to cancel?: This is a big factor in deciding whether or not to give him a chance. If he called you earlier in the day to say that he was running late, and you were already expecting him to be late, then don’t stress that much. If he called you early enough for you to be able to cancel the date and have an evening of fun with your other friends, then he might be forgiven. However, if he calls you AFTER your date should have already started or doesn’t call at all, then babe, he didn’t really give a hoot in the first place. Don’t cut him any slack whatsoever.

Does he have a good reason? Most of the time, the bastard doesn’t. However, if he still wants to try to get in your pants date you, he might come up with some lame ass story. Don’t fall for it. Unless it involved a car accident, his ghastly dismemberment/death, death in the family or some catastrophic natural disaster, and has supporting evidence for this claim, he is probably just yanking your chain. I love to see men wallow, so if he is kissing your feet and begging for forgiveness, please, don’t stop him! When he is done, politely say, “I just don’t think that you value and respect my time and if you can’t do that, then I have to find someone else who does,” and X him out of your life. If you still want to date him though, accept his apology, re-assess his dating potential and act accordingly.

Keep in mind that a guy that doesn’t value your time doesn’t value you as a person, and do you really want to be with someone that is always thinking about himself?

Vixen is Deputy Editor for Baggage Reclaim. Visit her blog Bad Girls Guide

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What Women Want

Men are always complaining that they don’t know what women want. I can understand where that idea comes from, because usually, by the time you are done deciphering what emotion you are dealing with, we have already moved on to the next thing. Here are some main pointers for you to keep in mind when dealing with most of the women.

We want you to stop being oblivious: Even though you don’t have our heightened sixth sense, it is quite possible for you to be as intuitive to our moods as we are to yours. When you come home after a rough day at work, we immediately sense that you need help relaxing and that you need to chill out. All we ask for is the same consideration. After interacting with us for a significant period of time, you should be able to tell by our facial expressions, our gestures, and our voice inflections what our mood is, so pattern yours accordingly. For example, if your sweetie is normally talkative, but all of a sudden she is sullen and quiet…chances are something is wrong. It wouldn’t kill you to ask her what the problem is or if she is alright.

We want you to offer comfort: You can never go wrong with just wrapping your arms around us and not saying anything at all. Communication is 90% nonverbal and there is nothing more comforting than a pair of masculine arms holding us tight. We have the power to set our world alright, but sometimes, nothing is a better fixer upper than your arms.

We want you to listen: You may think that you vaguely hearing what we are saying as you sort through your mail, or flick through TV channels counts as listening, but on Venus…that doesn’t cut it. When listening, look into our faces, pick up our non-verbal cues, and pay attention to what we are saying. Reiterate your understanding in your own words and participate in the discussion. These are basic communication skills besides the grunting and casual nods that you send our way.
We want you to be there: Whenever we have an issue, we would like to just pick up the phone, an email or drop by to talk it over in person. That’s what ladies do to foster connections and we don’t take offence when another woman needs us. Even though sometimes physically being there is not always possible, just the fact that we can connect with you in some way helps. Don’t turn off your cell phone, don’t ignore our messages ~ all of this will just amp up our emotional level and cause us to kick you to the curb.

We want you to understand that shopping is therapeutic: Do not make fun of the amount of money we spend on shoes or clothes, even though we have a closet full. Shopping is not just a quick dash into a store to pick up some jeans. It’s hours spent in playful delight, observing people, latest trends, catching up with our girls, trying on expensive stuff that we will one day be able to afford and distracting us from our everyday lives. Equate our love for shopping with your love of sports and you might understand the enormity of it and why it’s important to us.

We want you to acknowledge on a consistent basis that we are the best: Most of the time, we manage to breeze through life in the secure knowledge that we are the most fabulous woman on God’s green earth. However, you have got to recognise and articulate it as well. Checking out other women is mostly unacceptable and you must have a good reason for the rubbernecking. Good sentences to use include, “Her jeans are nice but they would look better on you.” Your celebrity of choice Angelina Jolie, Beyonce etc. might be considered a good reason, but only if you don’t fuss over us drooling on the very hot Paul Walkers of Hollywood.
We want you to be sexually competent: This is a very important subject. There are many things that you should be competent with, and these include but are not limited to foreplay, kissing, making out, oral sex, sex & afterplay. If you are lacking in certain aspects, or especially down there, make sure that you can make up for it in other aspects. My friend had a guy with a 3-incher tell her that he doesn’t go downtown ever but it’s perfectly fine for her to suck his little hotdog. Unacceptable. If you are incompetant, at least be a quick learner. Ask us what we want you to do and if you are doing it right. We won’t be offended if you ask for lessons, actually, they might be quite fun.

We want you to acknowledge us as your intellectual equal: Contrary to popular opinion, we are waaaay smarter than you guys, however, we just let you live in your own little world. Even though it would be an ego boost for you to think that you are very intelligent, don’t assume that your babe is a dumb-bell because she has huge knockers or is blonde. Most of the time, we just act that way to help you feel better and cater to your ignorance. If you knew the depth of our intellectual prowess, you would be stunned. So just act like you think that we are equal; engage us in stimulating conversations, wordplay and debates. Nothing stirs up passion better than a friendly argument.
We want an equitable division of interests: In most relationships, it’s all about give and take. Women can be extremely supportive humans and we would like the same consideration. If we attend your basketball games, support your hobbies, and meet your friends, we would like the same in return. We promise to go lightly on the chick flicks and chick lits, but at least show that you are making an effort to be supportive of our interests.

We want you to smell good. Always: A little grooming effort goes a loooong way. Cheesy willies and smelly drawers are unacceptable. Even if you don’t have cologne on, your natural smell should be appealing. So take a shower everyday. It wouldn’t kill you.

We want you to accept our friends and family: Chances are, you might think that my best friend is a big flirt, but your disdain of her won’t help our relationship. Picking fights with my siblings is MY job, not yours and you don’t have to constantly tell me what a lecher my uncle is. I probably already know all of this, but these people are important to me and I love them. Respect that and don’t make me choose.
That’s your basic crash course guys. Perhaps one day, you might gain admittance to the female mind a la Mel Gibson, but until then…just try to deal with this.

Vixen is Deputy Editor for Baggage Reclaim. Visit her blog Bad Girls Guide

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Timing

Something occurred to me the other day that really startled me. It was the instant realisation that I was missing a completely vital component to meeting The One (italics added by author). We always think in terms of: I wonder if I’ll ever find him/her, but I think we’re all forgetting that there is another facet to meeting someone. The concept of timing.

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