More on the BS Meter
March 31, 2006 by Vixen · Leave a Comment
The question of the day: Why can’t men say what they mean and mean what they say?
Answer: Actually they do, it’s just that we are NOT LISTENING.
A guy will let you know the kind of person he is. The red flags start to show from the first date, when little subterfuges and lies send your Sixth Sense screaming. However, most of us project what we want to see and hear onto the guy and keep those rose tinted goggles on.
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Real Life: Diary of An Addict: Detox Week #2
March 31, 2006 by Pocahantas · 7 Comments
Pocahantas started her real life tale of freeing herself on her addiction to the very prevalent, unavailable man in her life. The first in this series had her choosing between staying in a city which she doesn’t like, doesn’t feel that there is any future for her, but did have her the man in question residing there, or upping sticks to a better paid job, in the big smoke NYC to start her life afresh with new opportunity. Last week we were left uncertain as to what her choice would be despite her appearing to be resolute about leaving him behind. Did she make the big decision?
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Honest (if Unrealistic) Expectations
March 30, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante · 2 Comments
If I’m honest with myself, I may be a bit to blame for my constantly tumultuous relational status. I tend to have expectations that don’t fall within the social norm. They deviate to all ends of the spectrum and really have no pattern, but I never claimed to be normal or simple, so at least I’m honest.
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Open-Ended Relationships: When You Think You’ll Get Back Together
March 30, 2006 by Vixen · 3 Comments
Some relationships end but really don’t. Perhaps the timing wasn’t right for both of you when you did meet, or you had some unresolved issues on either end that still needed to be dealt with. Whatever the reason, you two amicably split with the understanding in the future that you might get back together.
I’ve heard a few of my friends tell me that they have a pact with a certain guy that when they turn 30, if they are still single, they will end up with him a la Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding. This sounds great theoretically, although such an understanding is full of numerous pitfalls.
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Tips for Good Female Friendships
Female friendships are a complicated affair, but here are some tips to ensure that you’re engaging in the right type of friendships and that neither one of you is taking advantage of the other.
Remember, these women are your friends, not your boyfriend. You shouldn’t feel that any of your friends are obliged to spend all of their time with you. If you have a life, work, family, personal interests, it shouldn’t be a stretch for you to allow some space in your friendships.
Friends don’t have to be in contact all the time. This will be a revelation but true friendships don’t rely on having to live in each other’s pockets. You should have friends that you see regularly and do speak with every few days, and friends that you speak with every few weeks or months. The moment that you hear yourself having a pop about the fact that she’s not calling you enough, the moment that you need to check yourself. And get out more.
Don’t even think about sleeping with their man.
Don’t sleep with her man and think that she should forgive you. Yes friendships last forever and boys don’t, but that doesn’t mean that you should put that saying to the test by getting your leg over with her man.
If you have a problem, say it to their face, not behind their back. Bitching is very high school and why women feel the need to air out their problem with a person with anyone but that person and more often than not, that person’s other not so loyal friends, is beyond me. Grow up!
If all you ever do is slag off the person behind their back, reconsider why you are friends with that person and stop being friends.
Don’t ditch your friendships just because you have a boyfriend. Yes you won’t be able to hang out as much as you used to but that shouldn’t stop you from making the effort. And yes, it is you that has to make the effort because there is only so often that people will keep hearing no’s before they stop inviting you all together.
It’s really bad form to abandon all of your friendships and then whine when they aren’t on hand on your demand.
If all you phone your friends up for is to offload about your current man problems, check yourself and make the effort to talk about something different.
Don’t just ask your friends out when your boyfriend isn’t doing something – it’s very bad manners. If you really want to make the effort with your friendships, take a chance and make plans on a night that isn’t necessarily down to your boyfriends plans. If the relationship is solid, you can cope with it. You have no excuse for this behaviour if you don’t have any kids and you see your boyfriend 6 days a week anyway!
Don’t just be available when things are bad for your friend. Share in her positives. Nobody likes friend that thrives on other’s unhappiness.
If it feels like it’s all about you, you need to rebalance your friendship. If it’s ‘Me, me, me, it’s all about me’ you may be one of those people who is kept as an acquaintance and not as a bonafide friend because you’re self-absorbed. I know you think you’re delightfully interesting, but friendship is a two way street which means you do need to take an interest in your friends life.
Don’t belittle your friends life or choices. You may be a smug married or smug couple but it doesn’t mean that you have to come out with ‘It’ll happen to you someday just like it’s happened to me’ crap. It’s patronising and rude and it’s the type of thing that’s expected from people who you don’t know and like.
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Controlled Giving
March 29, 2006 by Vixen · 4 Comments
Definition: This is the gift given to you by someone that is spurred predominantly by feelings and thoughts of gaining or maintaining control in your life.
Now classic giving doesn’t fall under this domain. A controlled gift is one that comes with strings attached. It’s not coming from that nice, fuzzy place where you just want to give your partner a present just because, or even for their birthday or anniversary.
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Vixen’s Guide to: Having a Sugar Daddy
March 29, 2006 by Vixen · 2 Comments
A sugar daddy is a man that spends more than the average male when in your presence. This is usually a wealthy and affluent male who has a lot of cash to spread around. Nowadays, sugardaddy/baby relationships are automatically synonymous with Gold-digger and Prostitution however this is a gross over-generalisation.
The sugar daddy is a man that has achieved a lot of success in his professional life, and this is mainly because he has focused all his energies into achieving this. He doesn’t have the time to date, talk for hours on the phone or do any of the normal dating rituals. He’s focused on business and work and yet he eventually he does want companionship as well. Most women are incapable of having such a limited relationship, and this is why he might introduce shopping sprees, cash, trips and other benefits into the equation.
Most sugar daddies don’t want to pay for sex. If they wanted a prostitute, I’m sure that they could hire one for much cheaper than getting a sugar baby. They want a pseudo-relationship, a relationship that is at their convenience and a lady who understands and doesn’t bicker and argue with him when he doesn’t call. If the relationship progresses into a sexual one, then, yeah, they aren’t going to turn you down, but initially it’s not about the sex.
The question remains, how do you get a sugar daddy? Well, you could respond to some ads on Craigslist, but they will most probably net you sugar daddy wannabes. A real sugar daddy wouldn’t use a free service–he would most probably use a paid one with more secrecy and professionalism involved. Do a websearch to find a site…most sites charge you for their use on a monthly basis like any other dating website.
Most of the time, the men aren’t pre-screened, so the screening is up to you. Use your discretion and go with your gut, just like you would if you were meeting a guy on the internet. Once you have put up your ad/responded to one, you generally should move at a fast rate if you want to nab the sugar daddy. Remember, these are busy people and their interest wanes quickly. Plus, there are probably other ladies out there trying to get him as well. Most SDs are in their late 30s, 40s and 50s. Arrange a meet as soon as you feel comfortable.
Meet in a public place. Please take your own transportation and be safe at all times. Most of the time, he will pick a location that he’s more comfortable in, like a really nice restaurant or bar. Dress up like you would for a regular date and be prepared to have fun! The initial meet is usually like a first date, both of you sizing each other up. This is a fast track relationship though, so be prepared to talk about your current relationships (if any) and your expectations from the onset.
He may/may not have other relationships and might be fine if you date other people when he’s not available. Be prepared to be pampered and spoiled to your heart’s content. If you have issues accepting gifts then this isn’t the relationship for you. If you don’t like a man paying your way, then don’t even plan on this. He’s generally a gentleman from the old school; he’ll take care of all the bills, bring you expensive presents and generally is very extravagant.
You must be yourself at all times. He wants a real woman, one who can understand the rigors of his business and one that knows how to play. You are his safe haven from the turmoil’s of the day, so you have got to be your most entertaining, playful best. Leave your negative energies at the door put on your happy face. It might be hard at times to be the goddess of delight when you just want to be a bear, but it’s totally essential to the relationship. If you don’t think you can be playful and nice, feel free to reschedule your date.
If the relationship progresses (like any other) into a sexual one, then just take it as you will. Remember, just because a man spends money on you doesn’t make you obligated to sleep with him if you don’t want to. This still applies in this relationship. His gifting doesn’t give him the right to treat you badly in any way while with him and you still have full autonomy in deciding what to do with him. However, this isn’t the type of relationship where you can play games. Just be honest from the beginning, if you are having second thoughts, say so; if you can’t go through with it let him know. Most guys are really understanding and give you the space needed to develop the relationship.
As always, the standard dating/relationship rules apply. It’s all about communication and honesty, and you will find out that this worldly, educated, financially independent man is fully capable of that.
The main drawbacks are that you don’t have a real boyfriend. He’s not the one to come over and defrag your hard-drive or pick you up if your car breaks down. He’s more likely to hire a computer technician to do it or send a limo to come pick you up. You can’t call him whenever you want because he will be busy with his job. You probably won’t meet his family or have him meet yours. You won’t have a ‘real’ boyfriend when you need one, but when he needs his Sugar baby, you have to be down for his company. Also while in this situation, it’s very hard for you to say no to certain things. However, you have to bear in mind that you have the right to say no.
It is possible to have a sugardaddy you just have to be prepared for everything else. Good luck.
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Fag Hags and Gay Guy Friends
I had the most glorious Saturday. I met two friends on the Lower East Side, a part of the city I rarely visit but in which I should spend more time. We shopped a little, leered at men, stopped for a drink, explored around a bit more, leered at men, and then found a great little Russian place on 2nd and 2nd where we had wonderful caviar and infused vodka martinis and leered at men.
Why, you may ask, was the day so glorious? Because the two friends with whom I spent it are gay men.
Yes, I admit it. 85% of the time, I prefer the company of gay men to women or straight men. In fact, not only do most women I know feel the same way, most of them also have at least one best gay friend. It’s no coincidence that on Sex and the City both Carrie and Charlotte had their respective best gay friends.
Why do women love the company of gay men? Well, I certainly can’t speak for all women, but here are the reasons I enjoy spending time with my gay friends.
1. As I’ve gotten older, I find that gay men are easier to be friends with than many women. With gay men, there is no competition thing going on like there is with a lot of women. Mind you, it’s not ALL women. Some women are really great and secure with themselves and are above pettiness. Those are the women who are my friends. However, there are far too many other women who are in constant competition with other women over hair, clothes, men, etc. I can’t deal with that. So when I have the choice between a petty & competitive woman friend or a gay man, it’s the gay man every time.
2. They are men and have been socialized to be more comfortable and open about sex and sexuality and are therefore less judgmental. I can be certain that if I have a conversation about the random guy I picked up at a bar and had sex with the night before, that my gay guy friends will congratulate me and will not reprimand me or diss me behind my back and call me a slut.
3. It’s male companionship without the muss. The sex thing isn’t out there so I can totally be myself since I don’t have to worry about trying to be attractive and charming all the time, or worrying if he’s going to hit on me, or worry that his girlfriend may be jealous. I can always just be myself.
4. We can cruise guys together. Gay guy friends are great because spending time with them is like having the best of both worlds. It’s the best combination of spending time with girlfriends and guy friends without the respective negatives. In short, it’s just easy.
As with anything, there are some people who don’t agree. People like my mother. She openly despises my gay friends. No only because she’s lived her whole life in a town that is homophobic, but because she believes that spending time with gay men prohibits me from meeting a husband. According to her, not only will men not want to approach me to ask me out if they see me out with another man, but also that it’s time wasted when I could be out on another date.
Many women who regularly hang out with gay men are called “fag hags.” Not necessarily a complimentary term, it has many definitions but is most commonly used to describe women who consistently befriend gay men because they’re too unattractive to have a straight boyfriend and use the gay men as a placebo. Or women who, in spite of the fact that there is no hope, fall in love with gay men and/or try to get them to change teams. Or women whose entire lives revolve around gay male friends and their community.
Do some women use gay men as substitutes for straight male affection? I’m sure that it does happen. But I believe that’s the exception to the rule. Friendships with gay men are more like friendships with other women, than friendships with straight men. My gay friends and I have more interests in common than I do with my straight friends, there’s no sexual tension, and our friendship is never terminated or put on hold when they find a new significant other.
It’s definitely the best of both worlds.
About the author: After receiving a nice, wholesome upbringing in a typical Midwestern town of the US, this intelligent, witty, and frequently snarky chick, craving adventure, managed to receive her first real-world instruction on the streets of Paris. After that eye opening and somewhat harrowing experience, on a whim, she moved to The Big Apple where she was permanently corrupted. She’s an armchair psychologist and enjoys analyzing herself and others, while maintaining a deep appreciation for the ironies of life.
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Crossing The Divide: Heading From Single to Attached
March 28, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
For the first time in almost three years, I am acquiring the status of girlfriend and it’s happened rather quickly with a guy who is available, unambiguous and not my ‘type’. During my extended period of singledom, I have dated and been in ‘relationships’ that were really total shambles and considered a relationship based on the time that passed in nothingness and ambiguity, not through the actual building of anything. It took writing about my experiences, reading through them and noting a whopping trend to put the stops on my capers and make a conscious decision to stop engaging in the unavailable bullsh*t and either be alone and happy, or with a guy that is available and be happy.
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A Guide to Handjobs
Unlike it’s often owner, penises are a sensitive little (or big) things in more ways than one, and they do require a certain way of handling. Here are a few tips to ensure that his penis stays intact and that he’s loving your technique rather than wincing.
Get into a comfortable position and use your writing hand. Have them lie down on their back and you can lay on your side or if sitting up is your thing, have him sit down whilst you either straddle him and do it, or kneel in front and do it. Basically work with what makes you both comfortable.
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