Mommie Dearest
May 31, 2006 by NYM · 3 Comments
Living alone in NYC as a single person these past nine years has been a wonderful experience. And like everything in life, living in this city has also presented much on the other side of the coin. But I guess that you have to take the good with the bad. Among the many challenges I have had to overcome I can list redundancies, a career change, being scammed a couple of times, apartment issues, dodgy friends, illness, a terrorist attack, a black-out, harrowing taxi rides, bad dates, bad sex…you get the picture. All of these things and more I’ve overcome. Yet, there is one cross that I continue to bear. One cross that I cannot get off my back…My mother.
As I’ve expressed on my blog, recently, my parents are coming for a visit this coming weekend. The impending visit has got me all in a tizzy. And I don’t mind admitting that I’m ashamed to be an intelligent, independent 33 year old woman who continues to allow her mother to have such emotional control over her.
I know that I’m not alone in my angst. Nearly every woman I know, both single and married, with children and without, professional and educated and successful, have the same issues with their mothers.
Aren’t mothers supposed to be loving and nurturing? Instead of positive reinforcement and caring, what most of us end up with is complaining, nagging, put downs, and even verbal abuse. It’s a sick and twisted dynamic. Instead of my mother telling me that she’s proud of me for the things I’ve accomplished, all I get is a trail of abuse and character assassination because I moved away from my family, because I’m single, because I don’t want children, because I occasionally have dishes in my sink, because sometimes when my lipstick rubs off I forget to reapply it, because I don’t want to go shopping and she does…You get the picture.
Up until a couple of years ago, I would allow these encounters with my mother to destroy me and to rattle the ever-fragile foundation of self-esteem that my mother always seems hell-bent on destroying. However, after a particularly awful verbal assault from my mother when I was home on a Christmas visit, I scooped up my self-respect and hobbled back to NYC. It took a long time for me to heal from that one, but eventually I was strong enough and confident enough to see clearly that all of this garbage that she throws is from her own can.
Mothers are people and people have issues. I don’t know if there’s some crazy evolutionary Darwin-type theory for mothers’ penchant for tearing their daughters apart, but I see my own mother and realize that she’s in the process of realizing that her life expectations are not going to be met. She will not live out her twilight years as her mother had surrounded by children and grandchildren. Both my sister and I have moved away, and though my sister is married and wants children, I don’t anticipate a walk down the aisle anytime soon, nor is it probable that I’ll have children. I also think she has a personality conflict with me, and I don’t live up to whatever Holly Hobby daughter stereotype that she may have had.
I don’t know what the answer is here (please let me know if YOU do!), but I do know that I’m not alone in the world with my daughter/mother issues. I guess it’s just one more thing that we women can add to our already full plates.
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Why Can’t Men.. and other questions
May 30, 2006 by NML · 6 Comments
As I approach my two year anniversary as a blogger and wonder what I should do with my column which has been on a hiatus for a few weeks, it made sense to do what I like doing best which is take the piss. In two years of blogging about men, women and relationships, I have been confronted with so many questions…
Why can’t men admit when they’re wrong? Their penises only do erect and flaccid, plus their ego’s can’t take it. Admitting they’re wrong reeks of a multi-tasking opportunity.
Why do women sleep with a guy and THEN wonder if the guy wants to be in a relationship? It’s like closing the stable door AFTER the horse has bolted…We leave our brain on the floor with our knickers and our clothes and then decide to rationalise after the orgasm.
Why don’t men listen? They listen to themselves and other men, but their ears are tuned out of the frequency that picks up female voices. When they do pick up this frequency, it’s interpreted as whining and nagging…
Why do women screw other women over for guys? Because they’ve been brainwashed into thinking that the penis is number one and that having a man in their life is more important than friendship.
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How to cope when your friendship ends
When I was little I used to fall out with my mates all the time over who played with the Barbie for longer, a borrowed book not returned and often we had no real clue as to why weren’t best friends any longer, but we’d have a new best friend the following week and at some point we’d make our way back to each other. As a teenager my friendships lasted much longer, many of them to the present day, but female friendship in particular has often proven to be fraught with pitfalls.
It’s a long time since I have had to stop being friends with someone but here are a few suggestions should you find yourself in this situation.
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Date Scene Investigation (DSI): Even bad dating is a crime now
May 26, 2006 by Annie Dennison · Leave a Comment
The suspiciously-attractive sexpert and New York Times bestselling author Ian Kerner, Ph.D., has done the unimaginable: he’s written a handbook on dating and relationships, and I actually think it’s kind of clever.
Date Scene Investigation: DSI
What I found especially clever is the way the book’s “case studies” portray women and men as equal partners in crimes of love. Kerner’s got to know that women buy the majority of dating and relationship books, but he wasn’t about to portray men as the only bad guys. So he ends up poking fun at both genders.
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Real Life Diary of an Addict: Detox - Week #8
May 26, 2006 by Pocahantas · 1 Comment
Pochahantas’ journey continues in trying to shake her Mr Unavailable, but it seems that even though she took two steps forward, she’s taken twenty steps back. It’s safe to say that a hardcore detox is neccessary before the self destruct button gets hit….
***
J warned me that this would happen.
I’ve spent the last three nights in his room trying to erase the memories, the bad karma, the negative energy that you…that we left in my room.
My sheets still smell like you, and though the smell generally lulls me, soothing me into a sleep boasting the most pleasant dreams; but now it viciously taunts me, reminding me of what was and can never be.
You and me. I can’t make myself wash them for fear you’ll really disappear.
You promised you’d be back and that we’d be “together” when you were “together.”
Right.
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What’s Happening on Baggage Reclaim
May 25, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
Don’t forget that we have recently moved to a new content management system! Please update your feeds to http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/feed and don’t forget that comments didn’t transfer over from the old system!
I Want Your Sex - How do we react to ‘just’ sex?
Get Happy Before You Get Him - Happiness in a relationship starts with you.
The Coup de Grace - When Your Friend Dates Your Ex
The Basketball Diaries - ‘Old’ vs New in the Dating Game - It’s a competitive world out there on your ‘turf’
Get A Life! - Don’t wait for a man to complete you - complete yourself.
Breasts On Dates - How much breast do you need to take out on a date.
NML’s Roughguide to a New Relationship - It’s amazing what trial and error can teach you. Let this rough guide save you some error…
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I Want Your Sex - How do we react to ‘just’ sex?
One of the most common issues that we hear about is that in a party of two people, one thinks that they are about to be come loves young dream and embark on a relationship and the other, just thinks they’re getting a shag. Just wanting someone for sex is not just a male behaviour contrary to popular opinion – women are not averse to only wanting a man to take the edge off and satisfy her, rather than his stimulating conversation and glowing personality. But both sexes react to being a ‘shag’ rather differently…
Unfortunately when women are on the receiving end of being someone’s shag, many will still try to twist and turn it in their mind to shine a more positive light on it. I often hear women say ‘I think he’s just after one thing…’ followed by much musings on what they should do and all the wonderful things they think they could have with him if only he would realise how wonderful she is. Newsflash: Once you’re entertaining a discussion about the fact that he just wants you for sex rather than telling him to beat it, you’ve already decided on many levels in your mind to continue to try and forge a semblance of a relationship with this guy regardless. What’s to discuss? If you don’t want to be a ‘shag’ and he’s treating you like one, why not just wash your hands of the situation and walk away?
Unless a guy has got his skills honed down to a tee (a playa), it’s likely that there have been some warning signs that the ‘relationship’ was on the road to nowhere because if the focus of his attention is sex, the emphasis will have been placed on it and it’s likely that you found yourself giving into lust and having sex with them too early. Guys that place the emphasis on sex, don’t want to get to know YOU, they just want to get to know your vagina!
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Get Happy Before You Get Him
May 25, 2006 by NML · 2 Comments
Following on with NYM’s Get A Life! theme…One of the things that I have discovered over the past couple of years is that if you have a lot going on internally and you’re not overly happy, or have an undercurrent of anxiety, dubious man choices will become a part of the routine of life. I know people call their significant other’s their other half, but I always wonder if there is this underlying belief that a partner ‘completes’ us a la Jerry Maguire? The problem is that when we wait for a white knight to ride in on his horse to make all our dreams come true and validate what the positives are about ourselves, which we have failed personally to validate ourselves, we often find ourselves very disappointed. We often get a Mr Unavailable on a donkey, or a wonky, broken down horse, or we think he has arrived on a thoroughbred but he’s missing ’something’.
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The Coup de Grace - When Your Friend Dates Your Ex
May 24, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante · 5 Comments
It’s bad enough to lose someone you care about. The end of a relationship is emotionally draining, psychologically exhausting, and generally takes it all out of you. So, compound the stress of a breakup with the unthinkable, and you have what I will hence forth refer to as TUB (The Ultimate Betrayal).
I have ranted and raved about the evils of the female species, the undeniable ability of woman to sell her sister down the stream for a bit of security or a piece of ass. You have read my ‘what to do to be a good friend and what not to do if you want anyone to trust you again’. Well, I held back on what I consider the coup de grace. (That’s the correct spelling of the oft butchered coup de gras.) When your friend goes after your ex.
Now, I’m not talking about wanting to date someone that you dated years ago when you had braces and rocked out to NKOTB. I’m not talking about wanting to date someone that you hooked up with at some party on a night that you came home without your panties and with someone else’s shirt on. I’m talking about when, days, weeks, a month after a breakup, your ex and your “friend” decide to pursue a relationship. This is the TUB. This is what separates the friends from the women to avoid like the plague. And this is where my diatribe really begins.
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The Basketball Diaries - ‘Old’ vs New in the Dating Game
May 24, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante · 3 Comments
So our school hosted a faculty/ student basketball game today: the teachers vs. the students. I watched as our older, slightly (or greatly) softer faculty, in their larger uniforms, ran up and down the gym floor while the younger, more agile teenagers scored and slammed against them. I laughed as the teens hung from the rims and the teachers bent over to catch their breaths. And while I watched, something awful crept into my mind. In the dating game, have I crossed the line and become the adult trying to keep up with what is most certainly a younger game?
You only know this if you are immediately connected to me, but several months I began to get deeply concerned that younger women were “running all over my game.” There was a teenager who was crowding my dating arena, and it intimidated the living hell out of me. I had always been the young, beautiful one that the older women could hate. Now, all of a sudden, I was hating young, beautiful women. When did I switch teams?
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