Rules for ‘Honesty’ in Relationships
1. Don’t ask questions if you’re not prepared to accept the honest answer. Honesty is not about hearing what you want to hear.
2. Don’t beat them up for being honest about a past that you weren’t a part of. Laughing and joking along about their past and then using it against them later down the line is a sure-fire recipe for disaster.
3. Do expect as much honesty as you give.
4. When a guy is honest enough to tell you that he’s a) an asshole, b) married, c) otherwise attached, d) a wife beater, e) anything else that screams run for the hills, listen to him instead of thinking that you’ll be the one to make a difference. There are a lot of guys who won’t even bother to be upfront! Consider yourself slightly more fortunate!
5. Don’t have predetermined answers. Guys hate feeling like they are damned with their answers and deciding on the answer before they speak is like setting them up for a trap.
6. Don’t be fluffy with your questions or your answers. You don’t need to be brutal, but you do need to be honest so that there is no ambiguity. There is for instance no point in saying that you want a casual-ish relationship if the reality is you want a serious relationship.
7. Don’t say what you think they want to hear. Many people spend their time bumbling their way around the truth for fear of other people’s reactions, but often the reaction is not as bad as what you think it will be and the truth always eventually comes out.
8. Don’t hold back your honesty so that you end up feeling resentful.
9. Don’t get caught up in that ‘your version of honesty bullsh*t’. Some people wouldn’t know the truth if it jumped on them and shagged them. The truth is the truth - no in betweens.
10. Don’t drip feed information. I had a reader complain that her boyfriend told her that he had a crush on another woman. Over the next few months the truth unfolded drip by drip and the final story was far different from the original. Telling 90% of the story and omitting the vital 10% is a waste of time. Either say it all or say nothing.
11. If you’re going to be honest about something, be clear about your motives. Is it to make them feel better or to make yourself feel better and unburden the guilt?
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim
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HPV, the New ‘Sex Cold’
October 27, 2006 by Vixen · 2 Comments
Recently, Moxie had a great thread in her blog about HPV. (Human papilloma virus - “Papilloma means a growth or wart, which is why HPV is also known as the ‘wart virus’. In practical terms, however, only about 10% of people with HPV develop warts. The vast majority of people with HPV don’t, and are therefore unlikely to know that they are infected or that they may be passing the virus to their sexual partner(s).” Source) In it, she got asked by a reader what her thoughts were on the fact that his new girlfriend confided in him that she has HPV. She threw the question to her readers, starting a debate that soon grew into a multiple sided issue. It turns out, alot of sexually active people don’t know diddly squat about STDs, especially HPV. In the thread there was alot of misinformation as well as negative slants on the progression and contagious nature of the virus. More seemed shocked that Moxie didn’t know that much about it and failed to realise that they barely knew anything about it themselves.HPV seems to be more rampant now than even AIDS is. Apparently 80% of sexually active people in the United States are infected, and most don’t even know it. In addition to that, males have the propensity to carry the virus and transfer it to women who don’t realise they have anything wrong with them until warts appear or it leads to cervical cancer. There are many strains of HPV, apparently hundreds, and not all of them lead to cervical cancer, but it’s a chance that we should not be willing to take.
Condoms, although not 100% effective still show the best protection against this virus. At least until the HPV vaccine is in mass production & use, but even then, it will only protect against most strains of the virus but not all.
Fortunately, our bodies are geared up to fight this as well. Most immune systems can process and get rid of the virus within 12 months since inception, however there is a possibility that you might get infected by another strain in the future.
HPV is becoming as common as the cold. And that is just friggin’ scary.
Your thoughts?
Vixen writes The Bad Girls Guide
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Elexa Vibrating Ring…Mmmmm!!
October 25, 2006 by Vixen · 2 Comments
I tried the Vibrating Ring last night. WOW. It was freakin’ amazing! Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to have the Rabbit attached to your lover? Well, Elexa has solved the problem for you. You have got to try this! It’s like having sex and masturbating at the same time. This is one sex toy that you can easily introduce into your routine with ease and it won’t totally turn him off. It comes in a condom box…how scary can that be?
The ring is placed on the base of the guys penis before sex and then he gets in you. It’s pre-packed with a condom…so you can be safe at the same time. There’s a tiny knob on the side that you push in to get it to start vibrating and comes pre-installed with a battery. It vibrates for up to 20 minutes (for some reason mine worked for waaaaay longer), massaging your clitoris while he’s in you.
The buzz is not too abrasive or too stimulating—it’s soft almost like hummingbird wings. He’s moving at the same time so that reduces the constant friction. It has the possibility of giving you at least 2 orgasms in a row (or more!).
My only complaint would be that the knob is tiny and there’s really no way to shut it off once you start having sex without breaking the rhythm of things. In addition, you might not want to use it on a guy that has premature ejaculation…it might cause him to be even more premature than he is.
If you haven’t tried it, definitely give it a go! It was so cool that I can’t wait to break out my second box…and will be stocking up on more after that.
Have you tried the Vibrating Ring yet? If so, what did you think?
The Elexa Vibrating Ring is $8.95/£5.50
Vixen writes The Bad Girls Guide
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Trapped
October 24, 2006 by NYM · 6 Comments
As promised, over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring my commitment-phobe issues. Last week I listed the top four issues which contribute to my Miss Unavailable status.
They were:
• If I’m not perfect I am not lovable.
• The desire to be in a relationship is a sign of weakness.
• If I don’t accomplish everything on my own before getting permanently involved with a man, the accomplishments are not valid.
• It’s easier to be single than take a chance on love and get hurt.
However, this morning, recent events triggered the realisation that I had omitted an issue. So this week, rather than expounding on my fear that if I am not perfect, I am not lovable, I will explore the new issue.
Over the last couple of months, my job, at which I had been perfectly happy since last December, has turned into an absolute misery and torture. It’s been bothering me for weeks and weeks but I’ve only just grasped the extent to which it’s been contributing to my icky feelings. After spending yet another night of restless sleep, this morning I had an epiphany. I’ve been feeling trapped. Trapped. Suffocated. Claustrophobic. That’s it! And the feeling of being trapped has burdened me with feelings of fear and dread that I will have to stick this out and suffer for as long as I’m able.
That’s when I realised that the Miss Unavailable inside of me is claustrophobic! She’s terrified of becoming trapped in a relationship. And she is especially fearful because she’s been trapped in bad relationships before. It literally took me years of on-again/off-again with Vito and Mr. 3.5 Inches to finally be able to permanently rid myself of these relationships. After years of introspection and therapy, I still have not uncovered the root cause of my inability to let go. And the thought of not being able to let go of another nightmare relationship scares the living hell out of me!
Instinctively, I’ve been avoiding relationships and encounters with available men because I’m afraid of becoming trapped. This issue is part of my personality. I’m that way with every aspect of life. I’m deathly afraid of becoming trapped in anywhere and in any kind of situation. I blame this issue on the fact that my childhood was too stable which has led to a lifelong restlessness and wanderlust.
Of course the whole notion is silly. After realising why I’ve been feeling panicky and depressed, I realised that I’m not trapped in any job. This freed my mind (Yes, sometimes I’m a prisoner of my own mind!) from panic and worry, and also allowed me to realise that I can find another job if that’s what it’s going to take.
So, I must realise that I do not have to be trapped in a relationship. Not all relationships are bad. And if I open myself of to the possibility of good relationships, I will be able to attract available men and actually experience a normal and enjoyable relationship and I can stop hyperventilating at the mere ideal of…commitment.
New York Moment’s column is every Tuesday and you can also check out her blog.
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Trapped
October 24, 2006 by NYM · 2 Comments
As promised, over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring my commitment-phobe issues. Last week I listed the top four issues which contribute to my Miss Unavailable status. They were:
• If I’m not perfect I am not lovable.
• The desire to be in a relationship is a sign of weakness.
• If I don’t accomplish everything on my own before getting permanently involved with a man, the accomplishments are not valid.
• It’s easier to be single than take a chance on love and get hurt.
However, this morning, recent events triggered the realisation that I had omitted an issue. So this week, rather than expounding on my fear that if I am not perfect, I am not lovable, I will explore the new issue.
Over the last couple of months, my job, at which I had been perfectly happy since last December, has turned into an absolute misery and torture. It’s been bothering me for weeks and weeks but I’ve only just grasped the extent to which it’s been contributing to my icky feelings. After spending yet another night of restless sleep, this morning I had an epiphany. I’ve been feeling trapped. Trapped. Suffocated. Claustrophobic. That’s it! And the feeling of being trapped has burdened me with feelings of fear and dread that I will have to stick this out and suffer for as long as I’m able.
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Oops! I Said ‘I Love You’ in Bed
October 24, 2006 by Vixen · Leave a Comment
I know there are a few women that can relate to the following story. You are in the middle of a hot and heavy sack session with your guy and caught up in the moment. Somewhere in between nirvana and ecstasy, you run out of things to say and slip out the L-word before you can catch yourself. You inwardly cringe, knowing that you haven’t said it before and wonder if it was loud enough that he heard it. So what’s a girl going to do?
First of all, even though you want to die of embarrassment on the spot, don’t take it that seriously. Most guys have heard it before in the boudoir, and will take it in stride and just pretend like nothing happened. They will usually chalk it up to the fact that they are so amazing in bed (that huge male ego;) and not make a fuss of it.
Although you might want to use the opportunity to poke and prod as to his feelings, resist the urge to do this. It was a spontaneous expression in the heat of the moment, and asking him for a similar response is just asking him to lie to your face if he doesn’t feel the same way. If he feels it, he will say it. If he doesn’t say it back, just let it go. He’ll say it when he is ready to and not a moment before.
If he does say something to you later, you have two options—either you confess that you love him, or that you love the sex. The status of your relationship will determine the option you take. You could play it off, telling him that you meant to say, “I love it when you do this,” but couldn’t get the words out. Or you could just come clean and let him know that you were serious—you really do love him and take it from there.
Either way, this is an Oops moment that is totally fixable. Just be sure that the next time, you stick to appropriate sex talk/sounds instead.
Vixen is deputy editor of Baggage Reclaim and has more great advice on her blog The Bad Girls Guide.
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The Levels of Celibacy
October 20, 2006 by Vixen · 3 Comments
A few times in your dating life, you might have to take a short break, a celibacy of sorts to re-align your ideals, heal from previous relationships, get rid of your baggage or just rest and relaxation. These are what I think the different levels of celibacy are.
Swearing off Men: This usually occurs when we’ve been burned severely in relationships over and over again. We want to heal emotionally, to get rid of the baggage and to learn to love ourselves again. So we re-connect with our circle of life, the sisterhood, our family and all our good friends and bond with them. We bypass mild flirtations and even go to the extent of not giving any man our number. We actually ’stop looking’ and focus on other outlets, sports, hobbies, careers etc—anything to get us over the hump.
Swearing off Dating: It’s a period where you recharge your batteries and find your romantic inclinations again. Usually suggested after serial dating for a few months to no avail or when you find yourself becoming jaded & cynical even before you’ve met your first date. Or when you’ve become addicted to the thrill of dating and keep going on first/second dates but never have the ability to take it any further—even with a guy that’s worthy. Or when every man you meet seems to be a rough draft of the last loser you dated. When you feel that you’ve dated every eligible man your city has to offer to no avail—perhaps it’s time to take a break from dating. You can return again in a few weeks with a new perspective, and maybe there might be some new fish in the pond.
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Tidy Up Your Love Life
October 18, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
1. If you’re not being yourself, start being yourself. You don’t want to wake up one day and discover that not only do you not know who you are but that you don’t like yourself either. If you have to compromise the fundamental you in order to have a love life, something is very wrong.
2. Ditch the lists. If you’re unhappy with the state of your lovelife and have a written or mental list of the qualities and characteristics of your ideal man, ditch it and open yourself up to new possibilities. It doesn’t mean that you lose your judgment skills but it will protect you from being rigid about things that are surplus to requirements.
3. Say goodbye. If it’s not working, get out and save yourselves the agony of dragging it out any further.
4. Separate fatal flaws/red flags from inconsequential things that don’t warrant a break up or an argument. If you have a lot of break-ups, I would look at whether you have broken it off for trivial reasons and why.
5. Stop flogging dead horses. Ditch guys that mess you around, are emotionally unavailable or who don’t make the effort in the early dating stages.
6. Let yourself be set up. What’s the worst that can happen? You might just fall in love!
7. Change your social locations. If you always go to the same places, change the routine as you will tend to see the same people in the same places. New people, like a new partner, could be in a new place!
8. Be on your own for a while. It won’t kill you. If you’re single, embrace it and if you’re with someone, don’t feel that you need to be a cling-on and have a level of independence. It’s healthy for the relationship and it’s healthy for you.
9. Acknowledge that you’re in good relationship. Don’t persecute the guy because you’ve had a dubious relationship history. Let him know that you do love and appreciate him and that you see him as him, not as ‘all the other guys’.
10. Do have the DTR (Defining the relationship) talk. Don’t be an eager beaver and do it too quickly, but at least by the 3-6 month mark, know where you are and if you’re not where you want to be, figure out what the next step is.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.
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Wanting Mr Unavailable’s = Being Miss Unavailable
October 17, 2006 by NYM · 6 Comments
I’ve been officially single since January 2002. That’s four years and seven months. In that entire span of time, I’ve wanted nothing to do with any kind of relationship. To that end, for a significant portion of that time, I adopted dating as a sport. Trying to fit in as many meaningless dates and anonymous sexual encounters as possible. Tiring of that, I just stopped. Ceased the dating game nearly altogether, only fitting in the odd date here or there. Finally understanding the extent to which I have contributed to the fact that all of the relationships I’ve had have been bad, realising that all of the men I’ve ever chosen have been Mr. Unavailable’s, and accepting that I needed to take a good look inside of myself to figure out why.
Why have I been unfailingly attracted to Mr. Unavailable’s? Because I’ve been a Miss Unavailable.
Often, I’ve wondered about the extent to which my very first relationship has contributed to this phenomenon. Did the fact that my first boyfriend, Vito, shattered my fairytale image of love, forever skew my attitudes about love? But does it really matter? Spending my time and energy playing the blame game isn’t going to solve anything. Because no matter where my commitment-phobia originated, I still have to move forward and figure out how to become a Miss Available. I now know that my conscious and subconscious ideas and attitudes about relationships, about people and about myself have been keeping me a prisoner of the Unavailable Realm.
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NML’s Roughguide to a New Long Distance Relationship
October 13, 2006 by NML · 7 Comments
In my post where NML’s Roughguide to a New Relationship, I laid out some guidelines for being able to access where you were in your relationship and certain behaviours that will ensure that your relationship stays on the straight and narrow. However, particularly with the rules of communication, these are not so easy to apply when you’re doing it all long distance.
Texts, emails, spending time on the phone will far outweigh your face to face communication and this is what comes with the territory. However, it’s what you’re talking about in these conversations that’s important. I know we all get frisky (phone sex) and insecure (emotional reassurance), however do ensure that your phonecalls are spent getting to know one another. Talk about your lives and what’s happening on a day to day basis. Non long distance relationships have to take the highs with the lows and the inevitable reality and if you don’t talk about the normal, mundane things, not only will you not get to know the real people behind each other, but you’ll build sandcastles in the sky which will make for false expectations, if and when you ever stop the long distance thing.
Use a webcam – not for dirty stuff but to build up more face to face communication. You can see each others facial expressions and if there is any dodgy stuff going on, you can pick up in body language.
Just like when you see each other all the time and he puts the focus on getting into your knickers, also be wary of any guy that you’re in a long distance relationship that talks more about screwing you. Just like women that have sex too early get their judgement confused, so do women that have someone doing the heavy come-on and making them feel like the most desirable person in the world. They need to be wanting to get to know you, not your knicker contents.
When you do see each other, don’t spend all of your time having sex. One, it’s an expensive booty call and two, the emphasis is far too heavy on sex, and three, you need to get to know each other and do other normal things.
Try not to get drama queen and projecting your insecurities all the time. Long distance means exactly that, which means if you can’t stand the heat, you should get out of the kitchen and stop drowning the poor guy in your insecurity. If all you do is worry about him shagging someone else, you don’t trust him enough and unfortunately long distance relationships do require that you take a rather big leap of faith. Insecurity is a natural thing in any relationship, when it’s kept under control and it’s dealt with rather than being wheeled out every time you’re having an off day.
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