Sign’s That He’s Cheating
November 28, 2006 by NML · 11 Comments
There are certain things that will throw up a red flag that may indicate that your man has other interests that potentially involve giving another person a good seeing-to.
He’s routine to the point of being obstructive to the relationship. Yes some people are anal. Yes some people have obsessive compulsive tendencies. But if a guy has a rigid routine that he rarely deviates from, it not only shows that he’s not including you properly in his life and adjusting to the relationship, but it may also be an indicator of the fact that he’s cheating. Men that cheat do have a habit of being frighteningly routine so that they can schedule in the other woman.
He says you’re a couple but he only rolls up late. Or at the same time. If your man is attending to other business elsewhere, he has to tell some other woman a bullshit excuse about needing to go home, so that he can skip over to you. Obviously if you’re a booty call but you’ve been convincing yourself that you’re more than that, this may not mean that he has another woman, but if you are more than a shag on the side, he should be able to show his head in the cold light of day. Literally.
He runs for his phone when it rings and takes calls in other rooms whilst talking in hushed tones. Yes it may be a business call but when it comes to cheating there tends to be several indicators that add up together into cheating.
He smells of a perfume that’s not yours and tells you a convoluted story to explain it.
He showers a lot more suddenly.
He comes home later and later.
He stops telling you that he’s going to be late and continues to come home later and later.
There are suddenly a lot of wrong numbers or silent calls.
You find receipts for dinner/underwear/flowers/hotels and they aren’t explainable.
He says he’s in London on business but the PA distinctly says that he’s in Leeds.
You find another mobile phone that you didn’t know he had.
He omits as much detail as possible from his day to avoid being tripped up.
You catch something! Yes some cheaters are dumb enough to bring home an extra gift of an STD.
You find condoms but it’s not your form of contraception.
He claims that he’s suddenly decided to star treating himself to new clothing for himself (obviously this is unusual behaviour).
He suffers from ‘Those who doth protest too much’ syndrome. A surprising trait of men that cheat is they have a habit of making a lot of noise about other men who cheat and how awful they are. They also tend to paint themselves as the perfect partner and place themselves on a pedestal from other guys putting themselves in glowing light.
He’s suddenly very difficult to get a hold of.
He disappears for periods of time with little or no explanation.
Now I don’t want anyone going straight to their man and kicking them out but do note that with the exception of a few, a man who has a combination of these behaviours should be making you feel nervous. Always act on hard evidence or very strong suspicion and avoid paranoia!
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Brain Training For Relationships
November 27, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
Drum these thoughts into your head and improve your personal happiness and in turn who you attract. I can’t say you’ll improve your memory like traditional brain training, but change how you think and change your relationships.
1. You can’t change his behaviour but you can change your own. Ask yourself each time, “What can I be doing differently?”
2. Exhale, embrace and enjoy because otherwise you’ll be a wary, jaded commitment-phobe that attracts the wrong type of man.
3. If you can’t be positive about dating, don’t date.
4. Good Relationships come from Good Love come from Good Attitudes come from Two People with Good Healthy Personal Attitudes.
5. One person does not a relationship make. If one of you is doing all the work, it doesn’t mean jack.
6. It’s only a committed relationship if both of you think it is.
7. The only numbers that work well with relationships is numbers ONE and TWO. You must be number one and there can only be two in the relationship. Obviously don’t go adding one and two together…
8. Once you have to convince yourself that the sex doesn’t mean anything and it’s just casual, it already means something.
9. There is nothing wrong with having no frills casual sex. There is however trouble brewing if you’re just saying it’s casual because you think it’s what the other person wants to hear.
10. Never put yourself on layaway. If the person says they aren’t ready for a relationship, don’t hang around for crumbs. Why buy the cow if you can drink the milk for free?
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Challenging Your Role of Being The Other Woman
November 20, 2006 by NML · 61 Comments
So you’ve found yourself caught in a triangle. Just so you don’t get too comfortable, remember these things!
1. Every woman who is The Other Woman thinks that they’re situation is unique. It’s unique because you’re in it, but when you strip away the reasoning, the excuses, every ’situation’ has the same core elements.
2. Ever man that cheats thinks that his situation is unique. It’s not but it makes him sleep easier at night.
3. The longer that he’s comfortable with the situation, the longer that the relationship continues, is a sign of a man who is very comfortable with the situation and not looking to change anything very soon. If it was really weighing down on his conscience, it couldn’t last past a few months or a year.
4. These men are selfish. The Other Woman sees wonderful qualities in him because she needs to, but only a selfish man could continue to do this.
5. These men are very good at rationalising their actions. They are very good at placing themselves on a pedestal and not seeing themselves in the negative light that they should. They suffer from an intensified version of Disproportionate Sense of Male Self.
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10 Signs That a Guy Wants You Just For Sex
November 16, 2006 by NML · 6 Comments
1. He tells you. I know - Talk about stating the obvious but, have you any idea how many women are actually told by a guy that they just want to have ‘fun’ and aren’t looking for a relationship? When a man says this, instead of rationalising and hoping that he will change his mind after the event, don’t and move on.
2. He is sexual towards you. When you’re out on a date, be wary of guy who turns the conversation down the sexual route too quickly. This is over familiarity yet this often gets ignored and mistaken for a strong attraction and connection - That ‘He just can’t help himself because he’s so into me’ syndrome. He’s not into you, he’s into the idea of shagging you. If he is making a lot of sexual innuendo’s, steering the conversation onto sex, staring meaningfully at your breasts and crotch, it is likely that he has got one thing on his mind and it’s not getting to know you, it’s getting into your knickers.
3. He tries to do more than a kiss on the first date. No matter how great the sparks are between you both, generally speaking, guys that really do like you can keep their penis in their pants and their hands above board for at least one evening….
4. He suggests that you become f*ck buddies, FWF’s, casual-something-or-other. It’s not because he’s not ready for a relationship yet; it’s because he just wants to have sex and is likely to be emotionally unavailable too. That’s two not so great qualities for the price of…well…your sanity!
5. He expects something in return for taking you out to dinner and paying for the meal. There are guys that think: paid for date = getting laid that night. This is not much better than treating someone like a prostitute and certainly is not an indicator of a man that wants to forge a relationship with you.
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Take The Focus Off Him and Put It Back To YOU
November 15, 2006 by NML · 5 Comments
I always say that you are the only recurring character in your sitcom called life which means that when you find yourself in same scene different guy; instead of berating yourself for ’stumbling’ across yet another guy that treats you badly and doesn’t appreciate you for what you are, you should be taking a very close look at yourself. It is easy to get sucked into a Blame Men mentality. Lord knows they do enough irritating and shitty things to keep this blog ticking over forever more, but real change, real progress, real relationships, real happiness and real love can only come about through changes to your own behaviour and attitudes.
This is hard to hear for a lot of women but it’s a fact. We have absolutely no control over men’s behaviour or anyone’s for that matter, because if we did, we’d have a very different life. The only person who we have any true accountability and responsibility for, plus the ability to change, is ourselves. We cannot expect the white knight to ride in on his horse and rescue us from shit relationship choices so that we can automatically feel right within ourselves and live happily ever after. Even when the white knight comes blazing in on his big horse, a lot of us don’t even know good men or good love when we see it as we are programmed to think that it comes in a package of drama and insecurity.
If you find yourself repeatedly frustrated at your relationship choices, it’s no accident - you made them. These men don’t just find you accidentally - there is something in your behaviour and attitude which accommodates them.
It’s not just about when we are in the relationship, it’s about when you are single, it’s in the approach and it’s about the tone you set.
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6 Things That Will Piss Off Most Women in a Relationship
November 14, 2006 by NML · 5 Comments
1. Controlling behaviour
Some women mistakenly think that being controlled by their man is totally normal but this is not the case for most women. If you are a woman who has good self esteem and good relationship values then you’ll definitely feel uncomfortable with his controlling behaviour. It is boring to listen to him whine and try and control you because he’s paranoid about your male friends, your female friends and how they may impact on you, or just likes to try and lay down the law about every aspect of your life. It may surprise him that you were actually a fully fledged human being that could eat, sh*t and breathe without him being attached to you.
Suggestions
*If he is actually reasonable, he may not realise how his behaviour is coming across. Tell him that whilst you appreciate his care and concern, when he says or does certain things, it appears that he is in advertently trying to control you. Don’t go on the accusatory and do tell him that of course when you need his advice you will appreciate and ask for it, but that he needs to trust your decisions about what you do in life.
2. Wandering Penis Syndrome - Cheating
If you’re not bothered by your man checking out someone else’s vagina on your time, you should be. If this is not enough to put your relationship on the skids, you need to get your head checked. Of course relationships recover from cheating but they never get back on an even keel if he thinks that he can get away with it because you won’t do anything anyway. Oh and emotional cheating can be very painful too. What’s even more galling is if he tries to justify his actions or even blames you.
Suggestions
*Dump him
*See a relationship therapist
*Get to the root of why he felt the need to cheat and address it
3. When he won’t prioritise you
Some men just don’t know they’re born and will work very long hours to the exclusion of the relationship or put time with his friends or time for sports, or all of these things and then some above time with their woman. No woman wants to feel like something slotted into a schedule or an afterthought. Cancelled, rescheduled dates and general lack of appreciation of your existence is a major no-no. One of the few priorities that is allowed to shift ahead, but with a balance applied if he wants his relationships to work, is if he has a child from another relationship. At the end of the day, when men put everything and the kitchen sink before the woman in their life, they send a consistent message that she’s not that important to him and that his time is more valuable. Don’t forget your own value!
Suggestions
*Do diplomatically raise the subject with him. Some men really don’t recognise their own bad habits. Tell him you don’t expect him to jack in his job, friends, sports but that he needs to make time for you and factor your existence into his life. He must make time for you otherwise the relationship is pointless.
*Make sure that there is a balance of arrangements made around your schedule and not just his. He will end up having to adjust if you do this or you get to question why everything has to be done on your time.
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7 Signs That You Need To Stop Dating For a While
November 13, 2006 by NML · 4 Comments
1. You keep waking up the morning after first dates in either someone else’s bed or your own feeling regretful about letting him get into your pants. Either close your legs and have a sex break or quit dating all together until you’re ready to date differently.
2. You keep going out with the same types and ending up with the same results. Nothing. To. Show. Get to the root of why you keep going for your ‘type’ and change your habit.
3. You’re cynical and no matter how nice the guy is, you’re unlikely to trust that he is what he is anyway. There is no point in dating when you have this mentality.
4. You’re still not over your ex. Nuff said.
5. You’re in love with somebody else. Sort out that ’somebody’ or get over them and move on.
6. You struggle to remember what’s happened on dates because you keep getting drunk.
7. You’re afraid of commitment - The deep rooted fear will only turn every potential relationship into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.
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I Want Some Answers!
November 7, 2006 by NYM · 4 Comments
This week I’m interrupting my self-absorbed probe into my own commitment-phobic mind because I need someone to tell me why. Why do we not feel the need to hold people responsible for their bad behavior on the internet?
Last week there was an incident in the blogosphere, and I’m having a tough time digesting some of the reactions to it.
In essence, a guy who is a classic example of a predator was outed in the blogworld. Since 2004 this haircut with a receding hairline has been preying on women in the blogosphere. He contacts women who comment on his site and/or who have their own blogs and flirts with them. Through his witty banter, he establishes a rapport with them, hooks them in, and then starts to get romantic. He will then proceed to play the pushey pulley game with them until either they get fed up with him and/or until he feels they have started to figure out he’s a pathological liar. At any given time he’s playing th game with multiple women, always telling them that they’re the only one he’s talking to, and convincing them that he really has feeling for them.
The thing about this non-person is that he operates as a divorce with a passive-aggressive ex-wife and two step-children, and his M.O. is the PPMW (poor pathetic me whine). He’s self-deprecating and self-abusive and tries to hook women by trying to make them feel sorry for him.
It turns out that this predator is actually not divorced and has been married for the last 13 years. But that’s not the sickest part. The sickest part is that he actually created fake bloggers and fake blogs and commented on his own blog as these fake people. I can only guess what his motives are, but no matter WHY he did these crazy things, the fact remains that he purposely and knowingly LIED to many women and purposely and knowingly TREATED THEM WITH DISRESPECT and hurt their feelings.
The truth is, it’s not about THIS predator. There are probably thousands and thousands of predators on the internet. This creep is one of many, many jerks out there playing the same game. So, what am I having a problem with?
It’s the attitude and reactions that people are having. There have been more than a few people who have blogged about this particular situation, and many of the people who have outed this person have decried the fact that he was doing this while married or have just decried the fact that when he got caught, he refused to fess up and continued his charade. But they don’t seem to have an issue with his general game.
People seem to feel that if someone lies or misrepresents his or herself on-line, that it’s OK. Maybe even expected. And unless individual people find themselves to be a victim of a scam, they have no pity for anyone else who falls victim to an internet scam. I’m certain that men are not the only offenders in this area, but I would be willing to wager my life’s savings that the majority of the perpetrators are men and that it is women who fall victim most often.
The fact is that this man (read “and people like him”) LIED and DECEIVED people and HURT them, but everyone seems to want to dismiss all of that. Does it really make any difference that this happened on-line? I wonder what people would think if a situation like this happened, but with a man who everyone had met in person. Would the fact that he’s a callous, lying creep then also be included in the outrage equation? Are pedophiles who hook 12 year olds on-line less horrible than those who do it in person. Should 12 year old girls and boys EXPECT to be hoodwinked by pedophiles if they’re chatting on-line?
The Internet has become one the world’s largest tools of communication and it will continue to be more and more of an integral part of our lives. Are we going to go accepting any kind of behavior on-line? Are we going to continue to scoff at and blame victims unless something happens to us personally?
Also, the other thing that baffles me is that there are people who have known that this creep treats women like this and they continue to feed into his sick behavior, some people even standing up for him! What the hell kind of world do we have? I guess people like this must have the same mentality as women (or men) who date inmates.
So, what I’d like to know is WHY should we not hold people accountable for their despicable actions on the internet? For misrepresenting themselves??? Seriously?? And, what is it with some women who always feel the need to defend men no matter what they do?
Help me to understand this lunacy…
New York Moment’s column appears every week on Baggage Reclaim and you can also catch up with her on her blog.
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Rekindling Relationships: To light or put out the old flame
November 3, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
Caroline posted a comment asking for advice as to whether she should rekindle a relationship from the past. Regular readers may remember her from a few weeks back when I posted a response to her highly dysfunctional relationship with a manipulator suggesting she take time out, getting to understand herself and her love choices. Since then Caroline has ditched the manipulator but has found herself spending time with an ex boyfriend.
In short, they spent several months together but his baggage (an ex wife, a kid, another ex wife, another kid, plus a vasectomy that may not be reversed) and they seemed not to be on the same page. Caroline at the time wanted children, needed to feel secure about her place in the relationship and struggled with feeling second place to his the commitments to his past life. It’s difficult to watch your man go rushing off at the beck and call of his ex wife. Things didn’t end well and she started going out with the manipulator, but now she is seeing the ex as a friend and thinks that she is feeling more than friendship towards him. Is she? And can people rekindle relationships?
Honestly speaking, I don’t think it’s a good idea to leap from a particularly destructive relationship into a new relationship. The fact that it’s with an ex is all the more reason why I think she should take her time. We have to be careful when we’ve been hurt because it is easy to see the wonderful in someone else and rationalise the things that gave you a reason to break up in the first place.
“Having had both relationships close together, I cannot say I regret ending this one, I feel that I have had to go through what I have to understand the true meaning of love, the irony is that what we had was more real than anything I’ve ever had before, or had with the manipulator.”
One of the mistakes we make as women is comparing experiences to determine if something is good love. But here’s the conundrum – If you’re comparing very bad (the manipulator) to what you used to think was not so great but now you think it may be OK, it’s not a fair comparison.
ANYTHING that’s an improvement against the manipulator looks good at this stage, but it doesn’t make it right.
Here are some things to think about if you are considering rekindling a relationship:
1) It broke for a reason! There is a reason for the demise of the relationship and unless the issues that existed before have been addressed, you will find yourself with the same problem all over again.
For Caroline: It sounds like a lot of things have changed, but deciding that a massive dream like wanting kids is not that important makes me feel nervous about this relationship.
2) Be careful of slipping into similar or exact situations. You need to put some distance between your previous relationship and the one you’re considering so that you can be objective. It’s easy to ignore similarities that could be crucial to your future happiness.
For Caroline: On the surface and underneath, there are some uncomfortable similarities between the two relationships. The excess baggage, the child issue (last time he wanted one, in the previous one you wanted one and now you’ve done an about-turn and are willing not to have one at all).
3) People often rekindle relationships because there is a familiarity that makes them feel secure. This doesn’t make it a reason to go back.
For Caroline: I don’t doubt that you get on with this guy, but you’re around each other at a vulnerable time.
4) Get happy, secure and over the previous relationship for a sufficient period of time and THEN see how you feel. You’d be surprised at how many people feel different.
For Caroline: Ideally after such a serious break-up and fallout, I would recommend a 3 month break at the bare minimum to get on track and do some serious soul searching. Ask yourself if you really think you’ve done everything you need to do in a matter of weeks.
5) Don’t start something unless you’re absolutely certain. Once to break up is one thing but to put you both through the pain all over again is not a risk you should take lightly.
For Caroline: Take your time!
6) Don’t make someone your rebound!
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.
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Why Can’t We All Just Be Perfect?
One of the subconscious messages that I’ve carried through life is that if I’m not perfect, I’m not lovable or likable. My gut reaction is to blame my mother. Although she’s probably largely responsible, other factors also contribute. Besides, playing the blame game doesn’t change anything anyway.
That said, I do believe that this is one of the top reasons that I continue to be a Miss Unavailable. In fact, instead of this issue fading, I sense that as I get older, the larger it looms over my life. Not only have I discovered that I hold myself to impossible standards, but I hold other people to impossible standards as well. Thus I am frequently disappointed. Really, who do I think I am, some kind of Tracy Lord? (Not to be confused with Tracy Lords, the porn star. I’m talking about the character, Tracy Lord, of The Philadelphia Story.)
My whole childhood was non-stop verbal bombardments from my mother and my aunt and other influential adults that if I didn’t look a certain way or act a certain way or be a certain way that either I wouldn’t have any friends or no boys would ever be interested in me. I was admonished for leaving the house without wearing lipstick, “Aren’t you going to put lipstick on? You look sallow!” “Don’t eat that! If you get fat you’ll never find a man?” “You’re just a bitch! How are you ever going to find a man to put up with you?” “If you keep saying things like that you won’t have any friends.” And on and on and on and on.
Everyone makes mistakes while growing up. Hell, even grown-ups make mistakes. Each time I did anything wrong as a child, my parents would withdraw their affection. They would stop speaking to me and I would be left with icy stares and endless silences for days and days on end. So I associate imperfection with withdrawn affection. Which has led me, in some ways, to be a chronic people pleaser. When I’m not judging and admonishing people for being imperfect, I’m doing my best to try to make them like me.
Well, YEAH! I’m messed up.
So how are all of my neuroses related to anything on Baggage Reclaim?
It took me years to realise it, but when I’m not feeling good physically, when I’m not feeling good emotionally, when I’m not feeling successful, when I’m not feeling beautiful, anytime I’m feeling less than perfect, I withdraw. I withdraw from my friends and I especially withdraw from my family. And inadvertently, I’ve withdrawn from men. Since it’s impossible to be perfect, and subconsciously I’ve always felt that I can’t be loved unless I am perfect, I’ve always chosen unavailable (read: damaged) men. Men with whom it would be impossible in any circumstance to have any kind of healthy and lasting relationship. If they were damaged in the first place, if the relationship with them could never last, if they were wholly unsuitable in the first place, then even if I were rejected by them it wouldn’t matter because it was never meant to work in the first place.
Suddenly this exercise is proving to be more frightening that I had originally anticipated. There are spooky demons lurking in the deep recesses of my mind…
Next week I’ll be back here talking about pride.
New York Moment’s column appears every week on Baggage Reclaim and you can also find her at her blog New York Moments.
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more
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