Surviving Christmas Whether You’re Single or Attached

Tis the season to be jolly. Or is it called a holiday? However you celebrate this season, it can, for some people, put pressure on you whether you’re single or in a relationship. Before you crack up altogether, remember the following:

1) In essence, it’s one day out of 365 and whilst I recognise that it’s a special day during a special season mostly driven by Hallmark….it’s not worth tearing your hair out over and it’s better to keep it in perspective.
2) If you’re single and musing over the gift you may have gotten if you had a significant other in your life, buy yourself the present or at the very least treat yourself to something nice. Single isn’t about waiting for someone to ride up on their white horse and treat you to stuff. Own your own happiness!
3) Much as you may want to throttle family members at times, remember that with any luck you can go back to normal within a few days. I found that I really appreciated time with my crackerjack family when stopped cursing their quirky ways and accepted that this was my family warts and all and started to enjoy them.
4) However, that said, don’t think that just because it’s the festive season that you should allow friends or family to take advantage of you and belittle your lifestyle choices. Don’t go starting World War III but do nip it in the bud if you feel yourself getting upset. Either tell them in a non confrontational way that their comments are hurtful, give back as good as you get or learn to shrug it off. I know some people that drink away the comments but I don’t recommend that for everyone!
5) Try not to stress too much over presents. It is the thought that counts, not how much money you’re throwing at everyone. Don’t leave yourself penniless in an effort to keep up with the Jones. Set a budget, do a list or if you’re shopping savvy, do your shopping last minute as a hell of a lot of shops reduce the prices on products that you had to pay full price for if you were actually organised about when you bought them.
6) If in doubt about what to get your partner, ask.
7) If in doubt about what to spend on your partner, agree a limit as to what you’ll both spend if that makes you feel more comfortable.
Some people I know are waiting till after Christmas and going shopping in the sales with their significant others.
9) Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. The festivities do end and you may be left with the sour taste of resentment to put up with next year.
10) Enjoy yourself! If you really can’t do that, book a last minute break somewhere and escape to peace and quiet elsewhere and get some R&R (rest and relaxation).

11) Don’t do booty calls, Friends Who F*ck/F*ck Buddies/Tings, flexing the digits for an ex or sit at home waiting for a Mr Unavailable or Married Man to call. This is a sure-fire way to ruin the holiday and will exacerbate feelings of loneliness or frustration which you may worsen by trying to repeat the behaviour all over again. If you’re involved in any of these situations, make other plans, be busy, don’t text back straight away and don’t stare into space pining over these people. It’s a waste!

12) Don’t have too much pride. If you have no plans for the season, don’t reject plans that are offered to you just because you don’t want to appear lonely. Accept the plans and enjoy! If you’re happy with your own company, that’s great but if you’re going to stay home and rant and sob, go with the plans and save yourself some Kleenex.

13) Be safe with contraception. If you don’t want to be having a baby next September, remember to take your pill or make sure he has his mac on, or both!

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How To Curb That Sexual Infatuation

So it seems that there is a scientific reason as to why us ladies sometimes obsess over one night stands - According to the Jan issue of the UK Cosmopolitan, if and when we are lucky enough to reach orgasm, our body releases the ‘trust drug’ oxytocin which “floods your brain and persists for several days, hence the temporary infatuation” and “Sense only returns once the floodgates have closed.”

Well, well, well!

I’m a very strong advocate of the rule that one night stands are normally one night stands for a reason and rarely end in wedding bells; however that infatuation feeling is a bitch to deal with. So there are clearly two options with this:

Keep the legs firmly closed and avoid going back to your one nighter for a rematch, as this will only start the whole infatuation feeling all over again…

OR

Hope and pray that you have one night stands with guys that don’t cause you to orgasm…

I say go with the first option!

On another more important note though, this little nugget of knowledge has far wider reaching implications for women that engage in booty calls, ‘tings’, ‘Friends Who F*ck (FWF)’ and trying to shag a relationship out of emotionally unavailable men and already attached men. I’ve have written before about The Justifying Zone which is that slippery slope area that women who have had sex too soon or slept with an unsuitable man fall into after having sex. We continue to sleep with them and persist in trying to string together a relationship because it’s our subconscious way of having a viable excuse for sleeping with them in the first place which means we have to ignore their dubious qualities and possible red flags whilst we’re at it.

Dysfunctional sex, which is that great sex you have with someone you shouldn’t be having it with that is charged by underlying negative and dependent emotions, also thrives in these situations.

It is comforting now to know that this ‘trust drug’ oxytocin is fuelling a lot of this behaviour, which means that if awareness of its existence and the ability to keep the legs closed for longer periods of time to let your brain return to it’s logical format, could help you break dodgy vicious relationship cycles. Sex is a weapon that can render us ill-equipped to deal with the emotional onslaught from certain types of sexual situations and this is another reminder for us that if we want to get good relationships going with suitable guys, keeping yourself on lockdown for that little bit longer could pay off for you in spades. Good luck!

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim and you can also catch her on her personal blog Tired of Men…and other things that drive a 20something around the twist and The Mr Unavailable Guide.

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Keeping It Real

We make a lot of noise about wanting to be ourselves, wanting to be accepted for who we are and not being made to change too much, but listening to some of the stringent list of requirements and possible reasons for relationship failure, it’s clear that we walk a fine line between keeping it real and keeping it real as long as you do what the other person wants.

In order for relationships to progress, we do need to be able to do a little adjusting and compromising but none of this should involve compromising the essence of you - your personality and your character. Quite frankly if you need to change that much to keep someone, it’s not real anyway and it can only end in tears.

However we must learn also how to accept our partners realness. In the past I have had boyfriends and found myself grinding my teeth over their annoying habits like watching sports too much, not doing the washing up, leaving socks everywhere, the wet towel conundrum and that certain emotional ignorance which most men can switch on at will. When I thought about the ideal man for me, he was free of all of this annoying stuff yet realistically I would need to have pulled him out of the frozen food section of my supermarket for him to have ticked all of the boxes of perfection.

Before I met my ideal man, I did have quite a bit of clarity about some of my dating habits and the mentality that accompanied it, but the realisation that a lot of those things don’t mean a damn thing in the grander scheme of things dawned on me several months into the relationship when I noted that many of the annoying man habits that I thought I would shoot to kill for if I were a touch crazy and of a violent disposition, were regularly committed by my boyfriend and I didn’t care.

The most enlightening thing though has been the comfort of knowing that I don’t have to grit my teeth because I’m playing at being someone I’m not. I have played too many parts in my dating life, probably enough to win Best Actress at the UnReal Relationship Oscars several times over and I realised that if a guy didn’t want me as I was, it was tough tits for him. But I also recognised that I had to extend the same courtesy to him too.

Some people have an unhealthy idea of what ‘adjusting’ and ‘compromising’ is, with some having no recognition of these actions. The odd thing is that in many instances where you are generally happy, you will do these without behaving as if you’re having a tooth extracted every time. They shouldn’t cause massive discomfort because it’s just natures way of slotting into each others lives. When you do have to make a concerted effort, if both of you are giving and taking on balance, again, it shouldn’t kill you.

Obviously where this doesn’t work is where one wants to adjust and compromise and the other wants to stay the same, but then there may be bigger issues at hand underneath anyway…

Whatever and whoever you’re doing, the point is that the person that you present to your significant other shouldn’t be a radical departure from your usual self. If you’re play acting at your new character and personality, it is NOT real. If being the best that you can be is as a result of being even happier and inspired due to your relationship then more power to you, because the right relationship does make the people in it want to be the best that they can be. Naturally.

If you have a partner trying to shoehorn you into the cookie cut version of their ideal and they maintain their rigidity about it, especially with no sign of compromise from them, run a bloody mile in the opposite direction and keep your company with people who want you for you.

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