Achy Breaky Heart
January 30, 2007 by NML · 2 Comments
When I come across women who love emotionally unavailable men (including myself who is a recovering addict), I always ask: Where the hell did we all go wrong?
A common thread with a lot of us is that at some point our heart took a pounding. Most of us have tale of man who let us down, broke our trust, put us through the wringer, stomped all over heart and left us irrevocably (or so it seems) scarred forever.
I’ve heard tales of ‘first’ loves who in our teenage years took the innocence and trust from us and gave us cracked view of what should determine a relationship. For most people, the first time we fall in love (or think we have) is our bravest because we have no prior experience of heartbreak unless we have some sort of life lesson learnt from experiences with a parental figure.
When we have been hurt, we rallied and railed against the pain and eventually we have moved on, or have we? For every woman that loves emotionally unavailable man, you can be very certain that there is unresolved residue from a critical heartbreak experience. Think back and there is that moment when everything changed forever and your attitude about love and who you were choosing to be with changed forever. We stopped trusting, we stopped believing in love coming from a good decent man who is available and stopped believing in ourselves. We think we’re protecting ourselves from being vulnerable but we are just putting ourselves in lime for more and more hurt.
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10 Signs That You Don’t Want to Be Happy
January 29, 2007 by NML · 3 Comments
1. You keep engaging in the role of being The Other Woman.
2. You only become involved with emotionally unavailable men.
3. You go out with Bad Boys or Bastards in the name of excitement.
4. You keep dating the same ‘type’ that makes you feel miserable.
5. You happily shelve friends and family, especially when the object of your affections is clearly unsuitable.
6. You meet decent, nice men who want to treat you nice and spend time with you and you call them ‘Assholes’ or claim that it must be an act.
7. You want to be in a steady, committed relationship but keep sleeping around or being used sexually by men which further erodes into your self esteem hence stopping you from getting the relationship you want.
8. You do things that involve you willfully self destructing your life.
9. You get the opportunity to break up with the guy that is mistreating you, but you eventually take him back because you don’t value yourself enough and think it’s better to be with him.
10. You actually believe that it’s better to be with somebody, anybody than be alone.
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Sexy, Savvy, and Satisfied
January 23, 2007 by NML · 6 Comments
Okay, so I realise that there are not a lot of articles about careers on this site, which makes perfect sense. I mean how many of us really want to discuss our possibly pathetic and unhappy jobs when we can talk about men and their innumerable issues, sex, and other totally satisfying and increasingly interesting topics? But, I’m assuming that the majority – if not all of us - are working women. Right? You probably have some sort of job. I don’t know – maybe you’re a cat sitter or something. My point is – why don’t we talk about it more often?
Obviously we all have those wonderful bills to pay, and need money for that fabulous addition to our wardrobe. But really – do we love what we do? Or are we just passing time working at dead-end depressing jobs?
I’m constantly asking people that question. I don’t know - Chalk it up to my search for meaning in a confused world. Whatever. It’s the reaction that gets me. Almost every single time, I get a hesitation – followed by a smile and an “It’s okay” or some other variation of the same theme. Every time!
My theory? We’re terrified. Bottom line. We constantly moan and groan about our present positions. But – having that job security keeps us from taking any action. Clearly, nobody wants to be on the streets or dependent on family or friends. God forbid. We are sexy, savvy, intelligent working women with a good head on our shoulders. We know what we want.
Or so we fool ourselves into believing. The completely ironic thing? A lot of us have no clue what we’re doing. And if we do, we’re not happy doing it. I mean, come on ladies. We don’t even know what we want in a man, much less a job or career.
It’s so easy to get stuck. You make money, pay your bills, survive. And the cycle continues. Then you look back at the last couple or more years of your life and feel like you totally wasted your time. So what wonderful words of advice am I trying to give? Just this – re-evaluate what makes you happy.
What do you love sooooo much that you would be content doing every day for the rest of your life? Basically, what are you passionate about? Can you even imagine waking up and wanting to go to work???
It’s time to grab the bull by the horns! Life is too short to waste it on something we hate. Especially if you’re single, relatively unattached, and have little responsibilities other than paying rent and bills on time. If you don’t take it now – when will you?
Alright, so maybe I’m not the best person to talk about this. Last year I had four different jobs, and lived in four different places alone. Hey, what can I say? I refuse to do something I completely abhor. Go ahead. Call me unstable. But guess what? I have absolutely no regrets…. For me, living is all about learning, growing, taking risks, and enjoying the ride.
This post was contributed by Randomly Sane and you can visit her blog, Clouds Over Blue.
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10 Things I Hate About Online Dating
January 22, 2007 by NML · 10 Comments
Yes some people have met the love of their lives and had lots of fun with online dating, but more often than not, it’s a pain in the ass. I did try it when I was single and I was a touch scared of the weirdo’s that are out there and how confrontational, over familiar and downright creepy people can be when they instant message or email you. Most of all, it’s other people’s experiences that lead me to really dislike online dating…
1. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Jaysus if you want to find the largest cluster of deluded liars, check out online dating sites. Many of these people could be done for violations of the trade description act if it applied to dating. False photos, pretend careers, false personalities, pretend lives, forgotten marriages, forgotten children, and much more. There is so much dishonesty it’s difficult to trust that someone is actually being honest when they are.
2. Unsolicited d*ck shots. For quite a lot of guys, it seems that making contact with a woman online means that it’s time to get their penis out, photograph it and send it to her. When Baggage Reclaim did a Penis Parade in the old forum over a year ago, there were literally hundreds of penis shots submitted by women who had got them from their online dating escapades. At least if you chat to a guy in a bar, he’s unlikely to whip his penis out unless he wants to get arrested….
3. Dumb profile names. As if anyone is supposed to believe that you’re not looking for a shag when your name is Hotdick69, Cumtomebaby, Sirlicksalot, Siliconelove, Barebacklover, and much more. Ugh!
4. Overfamiliarity breeds contempt. It’s like there is no decorum. Someone sees your photo and if you’re online, they IM you with an innuendo or send BS emails about how they are in love with you, want to meet you, or want to touch you, and all because they saw your picture and read your profile. When you’re face to face with someone and they make sexual innuendo’s when you barely know them, it’s not good. When it’s done by email or IM it’s downright laughable. I was amazed at how many guys skipped over introducing themselves and went straight into seduction!
5. Weirdo alert. You get a load of winks and there is always one guy that takes umbridge about the fact that you didn’t wink back or get in touch with him. Or they send an introductory email and let’s say you’ve had a busy week so you don’t look at your emails for a few days, they’ll be a string of increasingly terse emails from guys who are clearly highly insecure about the lack of reply.
Read more
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What type of bitching are you indulging in?
Baggage Reclaim is big promoter of sisterhood, that often forgotten stalwart of female friendships and good karma. Due to recent events in the Celebrity Big Brother house (women bitching, bullying, being ignorant, racist and downright nasty), Big Brother’s Big Brain (the show where the psychologists analyse the housemates behaviour) has laid out the type of bitching that us women do. It makes for some interesting reading….
“Base Bitching — This takes the form of insults that are exaggerated and little more than childish name-calling.
Bond Bitching — This is where you see two housemates bitching about a third, sitting together and whispering. This is bond-bitching with two purposes firstly to cement a relationship with one another by confiding and the other is conspiratational.
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Assassination Bitching — This is like applying a shotgun to a victim’s head and pulling the trigger. It challenges the victim’s character and creates a new view of them in both the public and the housemate’s eyes.
Scorched Earth Bitching — This is really the most strategic form of bitching presenting the bitch in a good light while destroying other relationships in one fell swoop. For example, kindly telling someone what others have said about them, then waiting for the bomb to explode. The ripple effect of these strategic bitch-fests have the most long term damage.”
The type of female nastiness that I have witnessed on Celebrity Big Brother has left me cringing and it’s particularly embarrassing as it reveals a lot about female behaviour and it’s not good… If you read through this post and found the descriptions eerily familiar, check yourself! Oh and hush up!
Read the original article.
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AOL asks: Is first date sex wrong?
January 21, 2007 by NML · 4 Comments
My thoughts on first date sex are: Unless you want to have just the one date, I would avoid getting the knickers down on the first date. My only exception and even then I would be cautionary is if you knew the person very well. And I know how people love to look for loopholes, so having oral sex or a spot of heavy petting is exactly the same thing! It’s not about it being wrong as it’s different strokes (literally) for different folks, but in most cases, getting naked will set the tone and potentially kill off a possible relationship.
AOL has launched a new video series called ‘The Pulse’ and for the first one it has posed the question of whether first date sex is wrong and naturally the responses are varied, but even more interesting are the comments. Last I heard it takes two to tango and I laughed out loud at this comment, “I think a person should be able to do what they want. However, society do not agree. Women who have sex on the first date are viewed as EASY.”– REDHEADANDSHORT
What about MEN who have sex on the first date?! Are they not easy too or are they just supposed to be patted on the back and lauded for being a stud?
The cold reality is that most guys, even if they are going to think you’re a slut after you sleep with them on the first date, won’t do the decent thing and not sleep with you. I asked a guy why he slept with the girl if he knew he’d lose interest because she put out so easily. “Well I wasn’t going to turn down sex….” But he doesn’t mind making her feel worthless afterwards by knocking her for doing something that he was just as willing to do….
Your thoughts?
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Life Imprisonment for Cheaters…If You Live in Michigan
January 20, 2007 by NML · 3 Comments
I know of people who have cheated who have compared life with the scorned wife or girlfriend afterwards as something similar to jail or pergatory. But news has reached me via Single Again that adultery is still a felony which is punishable with up to life imprisonment…if you live in Michigan.
“We cannot help but question whether the Legislature actually intended the result we reach here today,” Judge William Murphy wrote in a unanimous Court of Appeals panel, “but we are curtailed by the language of the statute from reaching any other conclusion.”
“Technically,” he added, “any time a person engages in sexual penetration in an adulterous relationship, he or she is guilty of CSC I,” the most serious sexual assault charge in the state’s criminal code.
I can only imagine that For Sale signs must be popping up all over Michigan and U-Hauls should be doing a roaring trade….
I wonder if the thought of a jail term is enough to close up the wandering vagina’s and shrivel the wandering penises of Michigan… In fact, if there was a possibility for all people that they could be imprisoned for cheating, would they still do it? Well of course they would. People still rob, kill, maim and all sorts despite the prospect of a variety of punishments if they are caught. And that’s the problem…most people that cheat don’t think they’ll be caught and to be fair, even if they did, it’s alarming sometimes how many will still be allowed to stay despite their dishonesty. People should want to be faithful in their marriages because they want to be and they believe in the sanctity of their union, not because they fear they might be doing a jail term trying to avoid bending for the soap…
What do you think?
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You Make Your Own Relationship Luck
January 16, 2007 by NML · 13 Comments
When I was single (and that isn’t such a long time ago!) there was a time when I used to look back at my previous relationships and dalliances and wonder how the hell I managed to always attract certain types of guys that brought certain types of issues. This cycle went on for most of my twenties and for a long time I used to think it was rather entertaining, but most definitely frustrating coincidence. I went from emotionally unavailable controlling f*ckwit of an ex fiancé, to guy who thinks he’s giving me all of his emotions but forgot about the excess baggage of a girlfriend…to guy who was a blowing hot and cold emotionally unavailable who also shared his home with his ex girlfriend, to another guy who shared his home with his ex girlfriend, to verbal diarrhoea but really an emotionally unavailable guy who was also pretty much semi-long distance. I haven’t even touched on all of the crackerjacks that I encountered in between who for instance approached me in a bar or a club, or I went on one date with. To my own eyes, my dating past looks utterly ridiculous, yet I can honestly say that at one point I thought I was having a distinct run of bad luck.
It was juggling a mysterious immune system disease and my bad taste in men which eventually brought a clarity to me about my own actions that left me so uncomfortable, it was like fighting to get out of my own skin. I was the common denominator in every single situation which actually made me at least partially responsible for my past. I had been bumbling through life, writing and telling stories about what seemed like a rather entertaining series of events that I had no control over or any responsibility and got left with the rather burning realisation that until I took responsibility for who I was, where I had been and where I was going, jack sh*t was going to change.
As someone who found herself in a dark period for almost 4 years of my life, where I battled with sarcoidosis (an immune system disease that seems to manifest itself in all sorts of ways throughout the body), I am testament to the fact that if you bury your emotions, hide from yourself, hide from your past and hide from your present, one way or another, it will take it’s toll and manifest itself in some rather unpleasant ways. I could seem and act happy but if I wasn’t, the truth would show itself somehow.
Every day, through this blog and my personal blog, I come across men and women (mostly women) who are putting themselves through all sorts of caper in the so-called pursuit of happiness, which is actually a pursuit of misery. There are a lot of us showing ourselves a distinct lack of self-love which puts us in the frontline of situations that are unhealthy for us. Many of us are taking chances on men who have no intention of taking any chances on us. There are a lot of weekend women, bit on the side, chuck a few crumbs when it suits women, who are letting emotionally unavailable men, cheaters and men who just don’t give a monkey’s wreak havoc in their lives. Look at this post at being the other women – it is shocking how many women have all pinned their hopes on the same bullsh*t story and the same misery rather than face being on their own, having a greater self-love and being available to good love in a good relationship.
When are we going to get it through our heads that unlike that bullsh*t line in Jerry Maguire, getting and keeping a man is not having someone to ‘complete’ you? It’s about being whole before you even get to him. Women need to stop marginalising themselves to the status of ‘other woman’ or ‘mistreated woman’ and avoid these ‘pretend relationships’ where the guy makes us think that we’re in a relationship by throwing us just enough crumbs to keep us hooked.
It’s not easy to shake old bad habits, but it all depends on how much we want to. If you’re waiting for something or someone to fix the habit of a lifetime and suddenly make everything right, you’re avoiding the responsibility you have in creating your own present and future. If you’re ‘trying’ to shake off a bad relationship such as one with an emotionally unavailable man or an attached man, stop ‘trying’ and do it. Put yourself first. It’s amazing how when we spend enough time in our company, discover a healthy dose of self esteem and self love and stop allowing any Tom, Dick or Harry to blaze into our lives and p*ss all over it in the name of passion and a wing and a prayer of them ever actually getting their act together, that we can actually find ourselves being attracted to and attracting the type of guys that will give good love and good relationships.
Remember, until you change your attitude, even if the perfect man actually existed and turned up for you to be with, you’re love habits will put a one woman wrecking ball through the whole thing. You haven’t got a distinct case of bad luck going on – you make your own luck….
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The 10 Commandments of Breaking Up
January 5, 2007 by NML · 29 Comments
Every relationship and a break up that may result from it is different, but for your own sanity and that of your ex partner’s, I recommend certain behaviours that will keep you on the right side of a healthy self respect.
1. Thou shalt not call him. Yep, there is a reason why you guys broke up and what a lot of people make the mistake of doing is breaking up and then entering into a ‘friend’ dialogue. Guys are very keen to maintain some level of contact and pull out the friend card in particular as it makes them feel like they aren’t as awful as they think you might think he is, but it also keeps a foothold in your life that women often end up using to stop themselves from moving on. Whatever reason you believe is a good idea to call, whether you think he’ll change his mind if he hears from you or that you’ll feel good, it’s not a reason to call. The initial surge of hope you feel will be replaced by a slump which will take you to a lower place mentally than you were before you made the call. If you need to get something from him, get someone else to sort it out for you.
2. Thou shalt remain mature. Cutting up his possessions may help you take out your revenge but you’ll probably find your ass in court. Don’t be petty, don’t let your friends be petty on your behalf with your interests at heart and don’t get gangsta. Revenge may feel like a dish best served cold but it’s better to leave it off the menu all together. Maintaining dignity and him knowing that you have moved on will actually reward you better in the long run - let him regret the loss of someone so great rather than have him thanking his lucky stars that he got shot of you…
3. Thou shalt not slip him some post break-up sex. If sex was what was holding you both together in the first place, that’s not a good thing, and if it was that great he wouldn’t have broken up with you. If you think that breaking him off a piece will have him crawling back to you, it won’t. Sex is a temporary, albeit pleasurable remedy but you can’t shag him back into being your boyfriend. I’ve said it many a time before: Why buy the cow when you can drink the milk for free?
4. Thou shalt not email him. Or text him….This may seem like a less scarier option than calling him but it’s just something else to make you feel like crap as you agonise over the tone of his reply (that’s IF he replies), the length of the reply or even how long it takes for him to respond. Again, if you need to get something from him, like your possessions, have a trusted friend collect them for you.
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The Art of the Pick-up
January 3, 2007 by Special Dark · 1 Comment
I’m not entirely sure of what goes through women’s heads when they are approached for a date or more, but men actually have a lot more on their minds than may be evident at first glance.
Unless a guy is overly confident he wonders whether or not he’s going to be rejected. Fear of rejection would probably be the number one reason why a man doesn’t go up to a woman and ask for her number or a date. From our perspective it’s a crap shoot. In most situations a man has to do the equivalent of a “cold call”. I’ll explain.
As a salesperson sometimes you have to call people in an attempt to sell your products and services without any prior knowledge of the contact’s interests. That’s what men have to do. Unless there’s some initial flirting or signalling, we approach a woman whom we are attracted to and have no idea what her response will be to our advances. She could be flattered, disgusted, or anything in between.
The funny thing is that, what’s even scarier than rejection is acceptance. Why? Because an initial acceptance could lead to an ever bigger, more personal rejection later on in the relationship.
When I was a young teenager I wanted a girlfriend. I wasn’t exactly sure why but I did. So I asked several girls if they wanted to go “out”. Due to my unpopularity I was often greeted by rejection out-of-hand. As I got older I came to accept that I was not appealing to the opposite sex but, because I wanted to believe that it was the world’s fault and not some fatal flaw in me, I continued to seek out dates. Each rejection was an affirmation of the fact that I was doing all that I could to change my situation but external circumstances continued to force me to be alone. So my loneliness was completely out-of-my-hands and that gave me a sense of self-righteousness that filled the void of a relationship. While I’ve matured and grown past this belief it sometimes pokes at me from the back of my head when I’m unsuccessful at getting something as simple as a coffee date or a phone number.
Over the years I’ve found some ways to increase my chances of getting a positive response and reduce my chances of coming up “snake eyes”. These are not hard and fast rules but more like guidelines.
1) Wait for, at least, light feedback. If you are looking at a woman across the bar and she sees you and looks away don’t do anything. There’s no indication of interest and any woman who won’t at least flirt from across a bar is probably not interested.
2) Make eye contact but don’t be overbearing. Almost any human interaction seems more personal, more sincere and more intimate if there is a reasonable amount of eye contact. Woman’s defences are softened by honest eyes. Some even believe that eyes are the windows to the soul so don’t keep your drapes shut.
3) Goal number three should be to make her laugh not swoon. Now this is where I used to make mistakes. I thought by being super-macho that I could win over fair maiden but when we, as men, approach the pick-up as a competition women sense that our approach is insincere, at best, or objectifying, at worst. Because an initial meeting is loaded with non-verbal signals and communication you have to make the most of your verbal choices or she could lose interest fast. Enter humour into the picture. People like to laugh and it forges an instant bond even between strangers if humour is wielded properly. So try and make her laugh but don’t try too hard. Desperation is NOT sexy.
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