From the archive: 12 Reasons To Dump a Man ASAP!
If you’re man is doing any of the following things, it may be time for you to lay down the law. Literally in some cases!
1 He’s used up all of his ‘lifelines’ with your friends and family.
Your friends and family no longer use his name and instead call him ‘Bloody [his name]’; ‘F*cking [his name]’;’That Bastard’; ‘Twat’ etc. Your friends and family have tried their best to accept him for you, but when he’s run rough-shod over you one too many times, and they can’t speak of him or utter his name without something negative, it might be a wise idea to say farewell. In situations like this, you’re family and friends do care about you more than he does.
2 He steals from you.
When he’s unable to be trusted around your valuables and you sleep with your hand on your handbag be very afraid! Robbing tenners from handbags is the stuff of teenagers, not full grown men in adult relationships. If he’s flogging your property behind your back to support his drug habit/child support/big ego there is absolutely no excuse and the best thing you can do is cut him out of your life, or if you’re feeling brave enough, call the po-lice!
3 He shows you no loyalty - Just call him Judas!
He allows his friends to slag you off either to your face, behind your back and in front of him. Bad enough that these people slag you off in the first place, but if he’s sitting there nodding his head like a frigging nodding dog, or even worse, joining in, he needs to have his arse bounced big style.
4 Pregnancy good. Commitment bad.
He wants to get you pregnant but he’s also saying that he’s not sure of commitment. Any man that wants you to make a lifetime commitment to a human life but is not sure whether he wants to live with you/marry you/be with you full stop needs a serious reality check. Any woman that wants to play Russian roulette in the hope that he’ll change, needs her head checked.
5 A cheater doesn’t change its game.
He’s cheated for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th time but swears it’s the last. It should be because you should dump his arse. It’s one thing for you to forgive him once, but for him to do it again is a pisstake. Tell him to get lost and have a chat with a counsellor about why you’ve repeatedly forgiven him. Break the cycle!
6 He’s won’t flex the plastic - Not the credit card, the condom!
He refuses to wear condoms and thinks that contraception is a woman’s responsibility. This is a blatant lack of respect and if he truly loved and respected you he’d bloody well try. Contraception and which one is used should be a decision made by both of you! It may feel great going bareback but it doesn’t feel so good when he’s not prepared to deal with the consequences of his actions. If a man truly respects you, no matter how much it feels like
7 He wants your friends more than he wants you.
He keeps trying to snog/screw your friends. Your man should have eyes for you and only you and if he keeps trying to get in your friends knickers, he’s not worth your time. If he’s trying it with your mates, he’s trying it with strangers.
8 He pretends you don’t exist.
If hasn’t told the people closest to him that you exist and you’ve been going out with him for more than 6 months or even worse years, alarm bells should be going off. In fact, you should be getting unexpected visits from the police and fire services because they can hear the alarm too. If he doesn’t want to acknowledge that he’s with you and share his life with you, don’t share his bed when it suits him.
9 He uses you as a punch bag.
He does his boxing training and uses you as his punch bag. Utterly despicable behaviour that no woman should ever have to put up with. Cowards like this are deplorable and the quicker you can get out, the better. Oh, and don’t forget to report him so that it’s more difficult for him to do it to someone else.
10 His special magic trick is disappearing.
Disappearing acts are his specialty and he doesn’t get in touch to say where he is. If he truly cared and didn’t want you to worry, he wouldn’t say he was going out for an evening and come back two days later with a dodgy explanation! If he thinks it’s too much effort to be forthcoming about where he’s been, he’s got something to hide. Tell him to live his bachelor lifestyle on his time!
11 He acts like your pimp, and you’re not a call girl.
If he’s not trying to get you to shag his friends in a threesome, he’s trying to coerce you into a swinging party. It’s one thing if you swing this way, but if you don’t want to do any of these things and all he tries to do is get you to do acts that you’re not interested in, he’s a an asshole that needs to be gotten rid of. Take your keys out of the bowl and drive like a bat out of hell out of his life.
12 He’s robbed you of your self-esteem.
Anyone who gives a shit about you will not spend their time trying to make you feel small. Relationships, whilst they have their ups and downs, must be built on foundations of mutual love and respect. Why should you spend your time with someone who only appears to want to belittle you and change you?
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim
[tags]bad boys, break up, breaking up, dating advice, dating tips, love, love advice, love relationship, love relationship advice, men, relationship, relationship advice, relationship dating, relationship help, relationships [/tags]
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How To Cope When Your Boyfriend is ‘Separated’
February 28, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
Things happen and not all marriages work out. Hardly a fact that’s escaped any of us. It’s not a bad thing to be separated but there should be major red flags flying if the guy is habitually separated and shows no signs of actually getting a divorced.
People separate for one of two reasons: Because they think that some time and distance can give them some objectivity with a view to possibly working things out; or because they have already decided that the marriage is over and intend to divorce.
The first presents a problem because he is still emotionally tied to his marriage and it is unresolved. He has a lot of baggage and one of the requirements of being in a relationship is that you are emotionally available and ready. It is impossible for him to be. If he is trying to work things out, the marriage must come first, which means that you come second or somewhere else down the pecking order, which means that you are picking up the crumbs.
The latter situation can go one of two ways: He has already decided to get a divorce, things are proceeding and the fact that he’s met you means that he is doing everything in his power to get it finalised so that there can be closure. The other route is that there is talk of a divorce but there is no sign of one showing up anytime soon. The fact that divorces can often be unpleasant means that this makes him emotionally unavailable as he may not be able to cope with the emotions of not one, but two women. Plus he may have children to worry about or financial woes.
Remember:
Always make sure that he is actually separated. Many a woman has found herself with a man who is not separated at all…except for that hour when he’s crept into her bed in between going home to his wife…
If you habitually date emotionally unavailable men, it is best to avoid this scenario altogether previous experience should indicate that knowing when to bail is not your forte. Very good judgment skills are needed to gauge which situations have the potential to be resolved, and which should be aborted as quickly as possible.
‘Me, Me, Me’ Rich/Time Poor - When you spend most of your time listening to his problems, his everything, but he can’t spare time for you, whether it’s a friendly ear for your problems, or actual time with you that doesn’t involve you playing armchair psychologist, it’s not a good indicator of things to come. We all have our off days, our problems but relationships are about give and take and when he makes it all about him, your needs get relegated.
Ask the uncomfortable questions – How long have you been separated? Is the separation for breathing space or have you decided to divorce? Have you both agreed that it’s OK to see other people?
Listen to his answers – Listen for clear red flags. When he says ‘Well we haven’t made a decision about the divorce yet…’ you should be hearing mega alarm bells and running like a mofo. What you shouldn’t be hearing ‘In good time he could decide to make the decision to divorce. I bet I can help speed him along.’
Ensure that you have a balanced investment that is going to yield a return. If it’s you who is making all of the effort whilst he gets to languish in the great white space of emotional unavailability and a fear of commitment, you’re putting in waaay more than he is, whilst he throws back pennies.
Where does he stand on relationships? Commitment? Marriage? More children? If you want to be in a committed relationship whereas he now views relationships and marriage akin to a very tight noose around his neck, you are barking up the wrong tree.
If he is still in the process of making a decision or struggling to take the necessary steps to obtain a divorce, step away and let him do it on his own time.
If he still hasn’t divorced after an extended period of time, I know someone who is with a ’separated’ guy for the past four years….he is stalling on being committed to you and cutting the ties with his past.
[tags]couple, couples, dating advice, dating tips, divorce, love, love advice, love relationship, love relationship advice, marriage, men, relationship, relationship advice, relationship dating, relationship help, relationship tips, relationships,separated men, separation, women[/tags]
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The Modern Guide to Dating
February 24, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
Over at Mercurynews.com, Mark de la Viña has come up with some termininology that describes the different types of dates that we go on in the crazy world of dating. I have selected a few of the funniest:
“The Shame Date
Perhaps you’re nervous because it’s been a long time since you last went out, so you have a drink to take the edge off. And another. Unfortunately, you forgot to eat. You meet your date and the rest the night is a blur, aside from the hazy memory of riding a mechanical bull to a Kenny Chesney song. You wake up the next morning with a stranger in your bed, a hickey on your neck and an uprooted ficus tree in your hallway. What it means: After the hangover clears, you’d better start writing some letters of apology.
The Lit Date
One made at a bookstore reading. “I think these are the best dates in the world,” Shapiro says. “Most of them are free. They’re usually 40 minutes. They give you something smart to talk about. And if you don’t click with the person, you’ve at least heard an author read and learned something.” What it means: You’re among the few people who don’t religiously watch “American Idol.”
The Preemie Bomb “When can I see you again?” Lisa Tsai, 27, a social worker from San Jose, experienced this when an hour into a first date, her male companion asked if they were destined for a second. “It ruined the moment,” she says, “and killed the prospect of a second date. I thought that he was in a hurry to find somebody for a long-term relationship. Way too premature.”
What it means: Someone likens a date to a sales call and is intent on locking in the account before it’s too late.
The Job Interview Date
When someone is so goal-oriented about finding a partner that they grill you as if you were applying for a job. Not fun if you A) didn’t graduate from an Ivy League school B) do not earn in excess of $250,000 or C) have any family history of diabetes, heart disease or diverticulosis.
What it means: You left your romantic aspirations at the door.
Read it in full at MercuryNews.com
[tags]attraction, conversation, date, dating, dating advice, dating guide, first date, love relationship, lust, matchmaking, relationship dating, single[/tags]
[dels]attraction, conversation, date, dating, dating advice, dating guide, first date, love relationship, lust, matchmaking, relationship dating, single[/dels]
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The Mr Unavailable Guide
February 24, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
Over at the The Mr Unavailable Guide, the companion blog to Baggage Reclaim, it’s been rather quiet for the past while. It’s become evident from the surprising number of readers, emails and comments that the phenomenon of chasing emotionally unavailable men is rife out there. It’s even scarier when you see how many women have commented on Being The Other Woman!
When I first realised that I had been afflicted with…oh ok… that I had put myself through the experience of it over and over again!, I thought it was just myself and good friend, blogmate New York Moments. I used to think that emotionally unavailable men and all of the other goons I dated were a stroke of bad luck till I realised what a destructive hand in my own fate I was having.
There is a lot more to be said about emotionally unavailable men and whilst the blog has its purpose, there’s a lot more to be learnt if you can get all of the information in one go and move on from this disastrous pattern as quickly as possible. I’d rather people took a lot less time than I did to learn the error of their ways!
So I’ve decided to write up everything I know about the phenomenon of emotionally unavailable men, why women do it, why guys do it (not that we should care too much) and most importantly, how to break the pattern and move on. For good. Remember that the only way we stop drawing in emotionally unavailable men is to be become unattractive to them and this can only be done by healing the issues that have created this pattern.
Now considering that I am popping out a baby mid May (let’s hope it doesn’t arrive early), the plan is to publish the book which I will do through Lulu (the joys of the internet that help you to self publish!) I will keep readers updated through the blog and via the email newsletter and I will be gathering reader stories and feedback (all to be used anonymously) so look out for prompts.
To express an interest in being notified on when the book is available, I am setting up a mailing list which will be in the sidebar. My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more
[tags]date sex, dating advice, dating and relationship questions answered, dating tips, honesty, intimacy, love, love advice, love relationship, love relationship advice, men, relationship, relationship advice, relationship dating, relationship help, relationships, romance, women[/tags]
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Money Plus Looks Equals Dating Event
February 24, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
Anybody who has ever been in a quality, healthy relationship, knows that it wasn’t the amount of cash in their pockets or their supermodel looks that created it, yet this seems to have escaped Cupid.com and Pocket Change. They sponsored an event recently where the men had to prove a base worth of a $1m in investments and the women were vetted for beauty by a matchmaking expert.
Not only is the very idea of the event extremely superficial but it caters to age old notions that women only need to have looks, whilst men need to be able to provide…cash. How can anybody attend this event and be sure that the person wants them for who they are, not their cash or exterior? No wonder there are so many insecure people out there chasing love in all the wrong places out there with ‘helpful’ companies like Cupid.com and Pocket Change around…
Read via About.com
[tags] dating, matchmaking, dating event[/tags]
[dels] dating, matchmaking, dating event[/dels]
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Toys R Us - Toy Boys - How to have them
February 24, 2007 by NML · 3 Comments
I haven’t dated a younger guy for over four years but he has left a lasting impression because the very idea of it sends a shiver through me. However, there are plenty of women that do date younger men and have very successful, happy relationships. I always wisecrack that I can see the advantage of dating someone who was few years younger as he has less relationship experience imprinted on him and I could teach him all he needs to know. However the reality for me was that it was an enormous pain in the bum and teaching eventually slipped into nagging bitch of a girlfriend verging on nagging mother!
Society seems to have a bit of a hang up about women who date younger men, despite the fact that our male counterparts happily flaunt their younger partner without most people batting an eyelid. When a man dates a younger woman, provided she’s over eighteen, it’s generally viewed as being normal. Yet even when a woman is in her 40s and dates a man in his 30s, she’s a cradle snatcher and many feel sceptical about how real the relationship can be.
For most Baggage Reclaim readers, dating a younger man will mean someone who is in their 20s or 30s, but dating a Toy Boy will throw up a number of issues which you should be aware of to enable the relationship to succeed. I speak from experience and far too many tales!
Accept that he is is younger!
This may seem like an odd thing for me to say but in order for the relationship to succeed, you do need to sit up and recognise that he is not the same as you. He is younger, and you may have different attitudes to things. Men mature slower than woman which means that depending on which end of his 20s he’s at, he may sometimes seem like a guy in his late teens. Pretending that he is the same as you with the same mind is a guaranteed route to a pile-up on the relationship highway. My ex Toy Boy had sex like a man, was professional at work like a man, but often descended into Kevin the Teenager behaviour with his immature behaviour. When the honeymoon period was over, I woke up one morning, looked at him and realised that our relationship had descended into bossy older sister, and was a step away from being mother/son territory. The pretence was over!
Manage Your Expectations/Be Patient
Don’t keep beating him over the head about the fact that guys your age would do XYZ and he doesn’t. Also remember that depending on how wide the age gap is, he may not have had very much relationship experience. He isn’t a mind reader so be patient and communicate with him as guys are vey literal, especially the younger ones! I know someone who dated a younger guy as she got tired of ones the same age or older, and when the honeymoon period was over, the most frequent thing she bitched about was the fact that he didn’t behave like a man the same age as her exes. Er, duh! Of course he doesn’t. Expect him to act his age and you won’t tear out your hair in frustration.
Clash of Social Lives
Depending on how young he is, his crowd of friends may remind you of a time that has long gone by. If you and your friends are late 20s and 30s, having dinner parties and a bit of a calmer social life, and his friends remind you of your days when you were a raver that didn’t collapse in a heap after one night out, there could be a clash of ideals. His friends are his peers and you may get paranoid that they think you’re holding him back. They may also make you feel older than you are and your friends may seem so much ‘better’ or ‘mature’ than yours. Be careful of allowing either of the social circles to impact on your relationship and you should both make sure that they are welcoming and supportive on both sides. Friendships are important and short of binning off your friends to hold onto your Toy Boy (bad idea), it is better to get some buy in from each side. This is the same for his family who may eye you with suspicion. Give them time to get used to you and don’t give him a hard time for other people’s perceptions. Show a united front and hopefully his family (or yours) will get used to the relationship.
Don’t Treat Him Like a Dirty Little Secret
Nobody, regardless of age, likes to be the person that you’re happy to shag, orgasm with, snuggle with on the sofa, but not actually introduce to your nearest and dearest. The Toy Boy is no exception and considering that this is a different type of relationship, I suggest that you don’t create problems. If you’re ashamed/embarrassed by the fact that he’s younger, chances are that your relationship won’t last long anyway. You will make him feel inferior and probably provoke the arrival of that ‘immature’ side as the arguments kick off.
Clash of Ideals
Depending on how old your Toy Boy is, it is possible that his brain, nevermind his penis, hasn’t caught up to the idea of marriage/moving in etc. This is something to suss out subtly before the relationship gets really deep and your expectations rise sharply. If he’s thinking that the next few years are about having a good time, even if he does have a girlfriend, and marriage etc is something that he sees happening in 5, 10 or whatever amount of years, and you see it as something happening much sooner, there will be trouble in paradise. I know a guy who is a Toy Boy and for the past year he has been arguing about marriage and kids and feels incredibly pressured by her. He is happy with her and feels that by buying a house with her he has shown her how committed he is, but she is really broody and feels that marriage is the next logical step. Doesn’t she know that men have a very different attitude to moving in?!!!!
Don’t Disregard His Opinions/Desires/Expectations
You may be older but you aren’t a superior being. You don’t always know best and you are not always right. He may have less relationship experience, be younger etc but despite the fact that you have accepted that he is younger, please remember that you are on equal footing. The biggest mistake that you could actually make is be with him because he’s adoring, pliable, doesn’t ask too many questions and you can dictate the length and breadth of the relationship. I know of women that have broken up with their Toy Boy and looking back, they can see that they treated him like a bit of a non-entity. Listen to what he has to say and respect his input into the relationship, even if you don’t always agree with it.
[tags]couple, dating, dating advice, dating guide, dating tips, love, love advice, love relationship, love relationship advice, men, relationship, relationship advice, relationship dating, relationship tips, romantic, toy boys, younger men, women[/tags]
[dels]couple, dating, dating advice, dating guide, dating tips, love, love advice, love relationship, love relationship advice, men, relationship, relationship advice, relationship dating, relationship tips, romantic, toy boys, younger men, women [/dels]
This post has been slightly updated from the orignal which was posted in Dec 05.
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Relationship Advice - Is my boyfriend gay?
A while back, New York Moment’s contributed a great column on How to tell if your boyfriend is gay. A comment has been posted which took my breath away and I have posted the response here:
I have been dating a man for about four years, 40’s who is very sensitive gentle and caring (also VERY independent). He was married to a Korean female for about 23 yrs and was VERY unhappy (he said). They divorced.
I recently caught him at his home with a large realistic rubber c*ck up his ass in front of his computer which had a picture of a young Asian male in different poses. He had his underwear on and was pulling his c*ck and f*cking himself. He has always told me he finds gay sex disgusting etc and has never had anything up his ass (b/c i wanted to play with it) – I’m female).
Seeing him was a very uncomfortable moment and we did not speak of it much. He did not think I saw the cock or porn. I was too surprised to say anything. He thinks I saw him just touching himself and he thinks I saw a female on the screen, plus it was his birthday. Guess he gave himself a present? H e has told me he had taken the test to see if you are gay and he says he is not. He volunteered this info. I am an independent pretty female; fit and busy, live in a small town, and it’s hard to meet quality men. I don’t know what to think and I am worried he is just with me to be correct etc. I know I need to talk to him, but I’m afraid.
*****************
NML Says: It is not that much of a stretch of my imagination to add together the elements of his actions and draw the conclusion that he may well be gay…however, let’s be honest now - people explore all sorts of sexual fantasies and preferences that many of us may not be comfortable with and it may not necessarily define their sexuality. That said though, is this about whether he is gay or about the fact that he had a rubber c*ck up his ass whilst he masturbated to a semi naked man on his computer screen despite the fact that he says he finds gay sex disgusting?
If your boyfriend can’t even admit that what you saw is what it was, how exactly do you expect him to admit that he is gay?
And if YOU’RE in denial about what you saw, and he’s in denial about..well…just about everything to do with his sexual preferences, how do you expect to find out the truth or even initiate the conversation?
It’s clear that you don’t have an issue with playing with his ass as you had suggested playing with it, so you could also ask yourself if you’d be OK with what you saw if had he been honest with you? Or is that it’s one thing for you to suggest your finger but a rubber c*ck is a step too far in the equation?
Now to be fair, it’s understandable that considering all that had been said before the event and you walking into what you felt was a shocking scene, no-one could blame you for having a little ‘post traumatic stress’ where you may be burying the nature of what you have seen to cope. Pretending that we don’t see what we see, or just plain ignoring things that make us uncomfortable is a universal behaviour of women. How do you think that so many women end up engaging in relationships with complete assclowns (excuse the pun) despite the obvious signs?
Personally, I didn’t know that there was a test that you could take to find out if you were gay and I would hazard a guess that if he’s gone to the trouble of taking this ‘test’, he is clearly looking for answers that he can’t find within himself. He has told you he finds gay sex disgusting, yet clearly he was lying through his teeth…and if has never had anything up his ass before….which I doubt…that’s certainly not the case now…. Throw in the young male semi naked and you have someone who at the very least is bi-curious. Either way, regardless of what he has told you, it means nothing in the face of what you have seen.
Your boyfriend suffers from Those Who Doth Protest Too Much syndrome, a mostly male affliction that involves them having to go on and on about a certain action, characteristic, personality highlight and how they are or aren’t it. ‘I’m not gay’;'I’m a nice guy’ or ‘I’m not like all of those other guys out there that are cheating. I take care of my woman.’ It’s not you he’s telling that he’s not gay, not into gay sex etc. He’s telling himself.
Rather than let a great black hole of no conversation about this develop between you, you need to confront what you have seen and discuss. If he won’t be honest with you and expects you pretend that you saw something entirely different to what you did, you have the option of involving a third party (a counselor/sex therapist etc not a young semi naked male) or you can draw your own conclusion. Many people faced with the prospect of acknowledging something they deem unpleasant feel afraid because of what it may mean to their future, their security and obviously to the relationship, but this comes down to whether you want to live a lie or whether you want to true to yourself.
What do you think?
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Cheaters: When You’re The Suspicious Girlfriend/Boyfriend
February 20, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
I mentioned on my personal blog yesterday that I have recently discovered the programme Cheaters. I’m now in my third week of bedrest so it’s understandable that a woman finds some guilty pleasures to occupy her time 
The very premise of Cheaters is all about people suspecting that their partners are playing away and putting the Cheaters detective agency on the case to reveal the deceit. Joel Greco, the extremely annoying host then presents the file of information with accompanying footage to Mr or Mrs Suspicious and then says ‘How does that make you feel?’ or something equally stupid followed with the question of whether they want to confront their partner. They are on a TV show! They have no choice but to confront their partner! It’s part of the deal!
Once the confrontation takes place, things generally turn nasty with fists and insult flying and the guilty party always takes the high road by turning the tables and making out that Mr or Mrs Suspicious is in the wrong for involving the Cheaters show. Obviously this is a cop out, but it does beg the question: Do we need a programme like Cheaters to find out if our partner is cheating?
Much as I enjoy watching the show as I’m convinced all of the participants are fruitloops, there is no clearly no need for Cheaters. It’s entertainment. But what a show like Cheaters does prove is that if you use the head on your shoulders, mixed with common sense, powers of analysis and ok, yes, in desperate times, a detective agency, you can find out all of this information without having to humiliate yourself on a show that is syndicated worldwide.
So if you are a Mr or Mrs Suspicious, here are some thoughts to bear in mind:
I believe in acting on cold hard facts, not flip-flappy paranoid suspicions. If you confront someone based on a suspicion and they aren’t cheating, you erode the trust in the relationship. If they are cheating, two things can happen: They panic and admit it or they play with your paranoia and continue to lie.
Access your potential for paranoia. If you’re someone that thinks your partner is cheating because they had an extra shower, were nice to you, not so nice to you, told you that they were for tired for sex and all because they were be genuine in each of these cases, be veeeery careful. People who have been cheated on before or who have low trust issues, or who are generally possessive and jealous are not good judges of whether someone is cheating. If you’re Mr or Mrs Paranoid, hire a detective (if you can afford it) to do your dirty work or gather the facts yourself. Go easy on the dodgy wig and rain mac.
Ask yourself if you’re reacting to your own insecurities rather than any actual substantive evidence.
If you have already confronted your partner and they’ve denied any extra-curricular activity, ask yourself what is it that you won’t let go of?
Be your own detective agency. Only start an investigation if you have genuine reason to suspect your partner. Whilst playing Colombo or Miss Marple may seem like fun, you are going down a path of no return because whatever the outcome, your trust of your partner is clearly in question. That said, if you do decide to go down this track, check out my tips on playing detective.
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Playing Detective to Catch a Cheat
February 20, 2007 by NML · 7 Comments
If you don’t want to or can’t afford to fork out for a detective agency or surveillance equipment, here are some basics to help you on your quest:
1) If you have a friend you can trust, get them to help you. They can keep you sane on the late night shift and they may be able to go into a place where the ’suspects’ are at without attracting suspicion.
2) Keep at a distance! Playing detective relies on you not blowing your cover.
3) If you’re tailing your suspect, borrow someone else’s car. Please! I would hazard a very good guess that your partner knows your license plate number….
4) Do disguise yourself if you can. Don’t go into ridiculous territory with a disguise that beggars belief (think Britney Spears shaving her head bald and then putting on that ridiculous blond wig). Stupid disguises draw attention unless you’re at an amusement park, fancy dress party or it’s Halloween…
5) The classic checking of pockets, wallets, purses and handbags can reveal receipts, numbers and all sorts. However, I really don’t like snoopers. I know a lot of people do it just for the hell of it but it is an invasion of privacy. That said, you’ve gotta do what you need to do if you’re going to gather your proof.
6) Take a pair of knickers/boxers that aren’t your size and place them in the car or in the house. This is not for the faint hearted and only for situations where you’re pretty certain they’ve been stupid enough to have them in the house or car. If they’re cheating, they’ll make up a big story about it. If they aren’t cheating, remind them about that time that that person stayed over at the house…. Risky though!
7) Do not under any circumstance break into your partner’s email. However if they are silly enough to accidentally leave it open on the screen, you could take advantage of the moment. Before you do it though, ask yourself: Would I like someone to do this to me?
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My Guide to Dating a Co-Worker
February 19, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
I have enough experience and the stories of so many others, to mean it when I say ‘Don’t sh*t on your own door step!’ Dating a co-worker, I’ve always firmly believed is what you do when you really, really like someone; not what you do when you’re looking for no strings fun. If you decide to dip your pen in the company ink, remember that if it all comes to an end 1) you have to still remain professional 2) it could affect your ability to continue working happily 3) they could make it difficult for you to continue working there and, 4) you may have to leave.
Obviously the flipside is that you can live happily ever after and meet the man of your dreams, after all, if you’re in work full time you can spend upwards of 40 hours a week with people so it’s unsurprising that cabin fever takes hold!
But in the meantime, remember the following:
1. Access your target. If the co-worker in question has a habit of dating around the office, you could be one in a long line of people. It also means that propped up by company gossip you may hear information that may or not be correct about the object of your affection. Use your judgment skills wisely.
2. Check your company policy. In many companies, it is company policy for co-workers not to date so doing so could land you in hot water and potentially affect your career.
3. Is it a just a casual shag or potential for a relationship? If it’s the first, you can get a shag anywhere without having to face them at the watercooler.
4. Access the environment. A small office (and I mean 250 people or below) seems to create a situation where you live out your relationship as it’s a goldfish bowl.
5. You get to see your partner a lot! This means that on a positive note, you can lunch together, hang after work with mutual work colleagues, bitch about other people and share your woes. The downside is when you’ve woken up pissed off with each other and you can’t escape each other for 8 hours like normal folk.
6. Be careful of crossing the line with each other. Familiarity breeds contempt and whilst you don’t mind your man being bossy or calling you on things at home, you don’t want him doing it in front of co-workers. You also don’t either of you taking advantage of the fact that you both work together and expecting that you will put each other’s work needs first, even when you shouldn’t.
7. Remember that if you work together, live together, play together, and pretty much do every damn thing together, you will either talk far too much about work to occupy your talk time or you’ll run out of things to talk about. It’s important to have separate lives!
8. Leave your problems at home. If you become known for playing out your dramas in front of colleagues either at the office or at social events for work, you will be disliked. A lot and people will begin to feel wary of being around you. Not to forget that bringing your relationship woes to work is unprofessional.
9. If you really both have to work at the same company, at least work in different departments/teams. Better still, work somewhere else. It’s good to be independent.
10. Remember that dating a co-worker may impact negatively on how you are perceived or how your ability to work is perceived. How you handle dating them will cement these perceptions. Don’t let either of your bosses think that the relationship is taking centre stage instead of your job.
11. People will always gossip. If people aren’t making up stuff about you or reporting on seeing you both have a cheeky snog together, they’ll also be quick to tell you gossip about your partner’s past. You’d better hope he doesn’t have one or that you have a tough exterior. Oh and of course, if you have a past, they’ll chat about you too!
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