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Advice: Is he cheating? Am I being naive?

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and we have been living together for 8 months. He has a close friend who is a women, and she is divorcing her husband who beat and raped her for 5 years. The problem is my boyfriend stays round her house on a Friday night because the husband picks up his son in the morning and he starts throwing abuse if my boyfriend is not there. The thing is, it has been going on for 6 months now and the other woman doesn’t like me for a reason I’m not sure of. She won’t let me come round and my boyfriend is not helping. I’m really confused and think that maybe something is going on between my boyfriend and this woman. I have confronted him about this and he says he’s not cheating on me, but in a way I think he gets too defensive. He is 7 years older than me and has had 2 serious relationships before and this is my first. Am I over-reacting? Am I being naive? I need help please!

For a start, there is nothing wrong with him helping a friend, if that’s all he’s doing. In light of what she has been through, you have to extend some compassion, as a woman who has been systematically mistreated in this manner is bound to have a lot of issues and difficulties. With them being close friends, it means that she is reliant on him, especially since he has taken up the role of Knight in Shining Armour.

That said, like many a man that can’t multi-task to save his life, your boyfriend doesn’t sound like he is able to attend to both of your needs without sidelining you. Considering that you’ve been together for a year and have been living together for 8 of those, you’d think he could find it within himself to nurture your relationship. I am sure that you are not asking him to forget about his friend, but the biggest thing that I have to question about this situation, is this: If the kid needs to be collected every Saturday morning, why does he need to stay over every Friday night?

Next question: Considering that you’re the live-in girlfriend, why is she being hostile towards you?

It would be better to get you on side and let you into their relationship a little, rather than freeze you out. Your man is sleeping in her house every fricking Friday, it’s the LEAST she could do.

And this is where it’s interesting: Women know women. Your boyfriend may not be cheating at all and I hope he isn’t, but she doesn’t like you because she feels a territorial about him. You’re the interloper and she may even resent you because you stand between her having more time with him. She is not stupid and she knows that she will be creating an issue, because trust me, if it were the other way around, she would have something to say…

If your boyfriend is serious, he must respect your feelings. He needs to find a middle ground and he needs to ensure that your feelings aren’t sidelined. At this particular point, I wouldn’t suggest to him that he stop going around there or seeing her, as this will back him into a corner.

Overall, I am not comfortable with your situation. Your man sounds very emotionally invested with someone else, which means that he’s not as emotionally invested as he should be with you, which means regardless of this woman’s situation, you guys have an issue. Do not allow him to take advantage of you because he thinks that you’re emotionally ‘naive’. Trust your gut and do not allow him to mistreat you. That said, don’t overdo the accusations of cheating because if he isn’t, he’ll use the accusations as a reason to start.

Your first step is to sit him down and explain in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory manner that you are not asking him to stop being her friend, but that you are uncomfortable with him having to stay there every Friday. Get some clarification on exactly how long he intends to continue doing it for (If he doesn’t see an end in sight, be very afraid) and try to strike a middle ground with him. For example, get him down to every second Friday at the very least, but ideally have him go there on a Saturday morning. If he won’t budge, and if he continues to be defensive, you will have to assess where your relationship is really at and where it’s headed.

Good luck!

[tags]abuse, abusive relationships, advice, couple, couples, dating advice, friendship, love, love relationship, men, relationship advice, women [/tags]

[dels]abuse, abusive relationships, advice, couple, couples, dating advice, friendship, love, love relationship, men, relationship advice, women [/dels]

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Public Displays of Affection

I was on the train yesterday with the boyf who pointed out a woman who had her hand under her boyfriends coat and appeared to be stroking his crotch…. I don’t think that I have intimacy issues or am resentful about people displaying affection, but there are appropriate public displays of affection (PDA) and there aren’t….

Cleaning out your partners tonsils is not neccessary

Kissing, not snogging is usually the better route to go when you are surrounded by lots of people in a public place. If you’re in a nightclub or bar, it’s different, but when you’re on the 8.15am train service ram packed with commuters, it’s quite creepy.

Confine your PDA to your own space

It’s one thing for you and your lover to grope each other in your seat, but to spread yourselves into other people’s space is rude.

Groping is not appropriate

I have seen breasts felt, dicks rubbed, hand rammed firmly down the back of someone’s pants and this has all been before 9am in the morning. Have some respect - not just for other people around you but for yourself and your partner. There’s a reason why the phrase ‘Get a room!’ was invented…

Do you need twenty kisses?

She says two words. He kisses her. She says three more words, he kisses her again. She says one more word, he kisses her. And it continues on and on. Let me stick my finger down my throat! What is up with people that do this? Are they extremely insecure? Are they needy? Are they horny?

Licking is a no, no

I, like many people, feel uncomforable eating a banana in public, so how is that people can lick someone out in the open? Treating someone like a human icecream is grossly inappropriate.

Ear dipping - yeuchity, yeuch

Having someone dip their tongue in your ear is down to personal taste, but if you don’t like it, it can make you squemish. It feels the same when you witness it.

Sex is not a public thing

OK, we all know that people have sex in public but unless it’s your thing, don’t do it, especially with a crowd of unsuspecting people around you. I have come across people having sex in the cinema, and whilst I couldn’t see much…, I could smell it… I should sue for post traumatic stress….

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The 10 Commandments of No Strings Sex

If you’re not getting yours then you’re not doing it right.

This is all about you and this is the type of sex where you don’t need to worry about who come’s first or his wants. You’re not developing a relationship here – you are supposed to be getting laid good and proper. Obviously don’t go falling in love with him just because he gave you an orgasm!

Save the drama for your friends.

A booty call, no strings arrangement, whatever you want to call it, is for S.E.X. It’s not for chit-chat. It’s not for him to play armchair psychologist and he doesn’t need to say all of the things that you would expect from a boyfriend. If you do this, I have to ask – Why bother?

Easy on the verbal diarrhoea

Women do have a terrible habit of Women Who Talk Too Much syndrome which means that in an effort to come across as though we don’t give a shit, we end up saying that we just want him for sex, it’s just for one night, and go into a rather long winded explanation about why they are having no strings sex. Total. Waste. Of. Time. Likewise, there is no need to say you won’t call him again after you shag him. Just don’t!

Be in control of the contraception

Don’t expect him to turn up with a condom. Make sure you always carry your own and if you’re on the pill, it’d be a good idea to remember to take it… This is one of those situations where I really don’t recommend bareback!

Don’t expect post-coital affection

This is not an episode of the Care Bears. He doesn’t need to cuddle you, talk to you or dissect the shag session. If he chooses to be affectionate, it’s a bonus but it doesn’t mean that you should jump to conclusions that he wants more than just sex. He may just be very good at soothing the female ego….

Out of sight/Out of Mind

The whole idea of having no strings sex is that you’re not supposed to expend lots of mental energy about what he’s doing right now, whether he’s thinking about you, when you’ll see him next, does he fancy you and bla, bla, bla. It’s a physical thing and whilst there’s nothing wrong with patting yourself on the back for getting some great sex, there is something wrong with analysing the crap out of the guy and the sex.

Don’t Interrogate

Why do you need to know how many women he has the arrangement with? How many women he has slept with? Are you one in a long line? Who cares!!!!???!!! As long as you are engaging in safe sex and he is unattached, that is ALL you need to know. Please don’t shine a torch in his face and demand answers or get all pissy when he does give you answers! Don’t ask!

Did I mention he should be unattached?

You would expect this to be a given but you’d be surprised at how many women shag attached men. It’s not no-strings sex if he has a girlfriend or wife! Tell the greedy bastard to get lost and find a man that doesn’t have complicated ties elsewhere.

Choose the appropriate prey and be clear about the terms

Use your judgement skills. Choosing a playa makes the whole thing a lot easier. Choosing Mr Nice Guy who has always wanted to go out with you is just plain foolish. Have the uncomfortable conversation before you get down to things, not afterwards when he’s wondering why you crept out in the early hours or won’t return his calls. You’ll find that the arrangement is a lot easier to discuss and arrange with a playa than it is with Mr Nice Guy. Likewise, steer clear of exe’s. I can guarantee that one person will have more attachment than the other!

It is OK to say ‘No’ to things that you aren’t comfortable with but it’s also OK to get freaky and experiment

This is your time to be uninhibited and try out new moves if this is what floats your boat. That said though, if you don’t want to be whipped, an anal sex tester, handcuffed, strangled, do a threesome, have or give oral sex, whatever…you don’t have to. Do however make an effort and don’t lie there like a sack of potatoes as that’s no fun for you OR for him. You can lie there like a sack of potatoes any day of the week but it’s not what no strings sex is for.

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim

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Dressing To Impress For Dates - What Not to Wear (From the archives)

Dressing for dates is a tricky business because not only can bad choices leave us dreadfully uncomfortable but they also create a first and sometimes lingering impression. From looking like an Oompa Loompa, flashing thong, showing too much breast, wearing ill-fitting clothes, to dodgy bodily hair and VPL’s, here is my rough guide to what you should be avoiding and I’ve thrown in a few suggestions too.

You are what you are. This should go without saying, but wear things that suit and flatter you, not the woman that you saw in a magazine a few hours ago.
Wear clothes that fit. It doesn’t matter what size you are, if you wear ill-fitting clothes, you will get unsightly lumps and bumps where you didn’t know you had them.
Dress for the date. This can be difficult if you genuinely have no clue as to where you’re going but don’t go out dressed in the type of gear that you’d reserve for a dinner dance if he’s taking you to the local restaurant. You’ll feel and look out of place which will hamper your mood for the evening.
Tits out, tits in. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your breasts but unfortunately when we make them the focal point with the clothes that we wear, the guy will make them the focal point with his eyes and sometimes his conversation. Wear a bra that fits, wear a top that fits and go for a hint of cleavage which leaves an air of mystery.
Easy on the fanny-skimmers/growler grazers. Yes I do mean the front one. It’s great that you have a great pair of legs but a skirt or dress that goes a few inches lower than the start of your front fanny is usually a good start.
Leave the tracksuit in the gym bag. No, no, no. JLo can’t do it and neither can you. No matter how great you think you look in that tracksuit, it will fail to impress on the date and a lot of guys seem to have an aversion to women that wear these outside of exercising or the home.
Don’t flash. I detest this in general but keep your thong inside the jeans. Yes they do ride up out of the jeans but you shouldn’t be sporting your thong as day wear for the world and its dog to see.

Less of the clown impressions. If you need a shovel to put it on, don’t wear it. Make up is supposed to enhance, not mask the person within, unless your plan is to hide away. Go for make-up that is more natural with lipstick, eyeliner and mascara to liven things up. If your neck is milky white and your face is orange, you’ve got issues.
I wanted a tan but turned into an Oompa Loompa. Your going on a date, not auditioning for a part in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It’s probably not a wise idea to try out self-tan or sunbed for the first time when you have to go on a date.
Bad hair day. Sort your barnet out. Skewed wigs, dodgy weaves, unwashed greasy hair, bad hair extensions don’t set the best of impressions. Go for a hairdo that won’t involve you fiddling with it to keep it under control all evening.
White bra, black top. This induces chest pain for me when I see women doing this. Wear purple or something if for some reason you have an aversion to wearing black bras with black tops, but white says you couldn’t be bothered to make the effort and get changed properly.
Bushtucker Trials. Grooming of bodily hair is a good thing. No you probably won’t be showing your beaver on the date, however leg hair, armpit hair should be tamed and shaved if they are going to be visible. Unless he’s said that he has thing for hair on those parts, he probably doesn’t.
Visible Panty Line. Don’t wear knickers that make it look as if you’re storing a parachute in your clothes so that you can jump out the window and make a fast getaway. Wear the appropriate underwear and if you don’t do thong, do seamless.
No Whiff. Jaysus I cringe to think that some people don’t wash in this day and age, but if you’re not going to a date straight from work and get to go home and change, have a shower and smell good. B.O and fillet of fish odour don’t belong on dates. Ugh!
Don’t Play the Ugly Stepsister. Remember when they tried to squeeze their feet in that slipper for the prince? Don’t go out on a date in a pair of shoes that are ill fitting whether that’s way too small or way too big. Guys don’t get it and you’ll look odd doing your Whoopi Goldberg/Tina Turner walk and not very flattering.
Some suggestions

Work outfits – Sometimes you have to go straight from work and this can relieve the hassle of faffing around deciding what to wear. You can accessorise the outfit to make it more evening style and if you’re in full suit, you can always leave the jacket behind and put on a really nice cardigan or pashmina. Skirt, shirt and heels, skirt, shirt and FMB’s (F*ck me boots/knee high boots), or trousers and a nice top/shirt.
Jeans – They are the life saver of most going out outfits but some are more suitable for dating than others. Avoid really baggy, casual styles that are suited to the grungy trainer look and go for well cut jeans that flatter your bum, thighs and legs and look great with heels, boots or even flats like ballet pumps. Denim skirts at a flattering length to suit your frame and legs also go down a treat.
Dresses – It depends on where you’re going but wrap-around dresses are great and instantly sexy. Avoid the pantyhose line by wearing hold-ups and depending on the style wear a nice slinky vest underneath in either a contrasting but flattering colour, or the same colour as the dress. These dresses look fab with heels, knee high boots, or certain styles of flat shoes like ballet pumps but it is key to wear a style that suits your leg.
Tops & Shirts – There is such a vast array of styles out there that you should be able to find at least one style that suits you and buy several so that you’re never stuck for a date outfit. Pretty and feminine, slinky and sexy, loose but hugs the boobs, and a multitude of fabrics means that there has never been a better time to dress. I tend to prefer short-sleeved and figure hugging (but not ill-fitting) with a nice cardigan, because if you get too hot, you can remove one of them and still look good. Tight black shirts can be very sexy and flattering. If in doubt, try on lots of different styles till you find that look that suits you.

Good luck

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim

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Annoying Things Women Do in the Bedroom - From the archives

A while back I covered Things That Annoy Women in the Bedroom and it seems fair to turn the tables on the ladies. Now I haven’t slept with any women but guys tell me a lot of stories that leaving me begging for mercy on my ears, plus women inadvertently tell me stuff. Dodgy smells, BJ approach, faking it, chaffing their willies with your jewellery, to acting or looking miserable in the sack are just some ofthe things that dampen a womans ratings in the bedroom.

Avoid Taking Him to the Fish Market

I had to get the horrid one out of the way first. Just like the way women don’t like cheesy willies, men don’t like when women taste unpleasant,whether that be fishy or the female version of cheesy wotsits (very cheesy smelling crisps). I often take the piss out of guys for giving their dicks so much attention, however if the stories are anything to go by, there are some women that could do with spending some time attending to odour.

Welcome to the Jungle

If he needs a weed wacker to sleep with you, he probably won’t like it. Trim it down, have a wax, groom it or something, but don’t let him feel like he’s battling in the Amazon forest because according to my male sources, being the dipsticks that they are, they’ll still sleep with you but they won’t rate you too highly.

Lets Talk. Period.

They just like to be told, not because they are remotely concerned about you, but because they don’t want to mistakenly think that they have damaged their penises in some way and caused a blood bath. Period sex is a matter of taste and it’s best to speak up and tell him rather than surprise him as you may scare the bejaysus out of him and turn him off.

Blowjobs

Tenuous subject but this comes down to either doing them or how you do them. Lets be clear, blow jobs don’t tend to involve literally blowing on his penis, so this is a no-no. A lot of guys love blowjobs but they don’t always get them and they seem to think they are supposed to be on the regular menu, when often the woman will think it’s an occasional fixture. This annoys guys and some are stupid enough to go and get their ‘medicine’ elsewhere. It also annoys guys when there is no rhythm, change of pace or change of repertoire. Their dicks aren’t actual lollipops apparently, which means we shouldn’t use lollipop/ice-cream licking as our yardstick for performance.

Keep The Illusion

It’s not that they don’t want to see the ‘real’ you (okay it is a bit) but they like a bit of the mystery, a bit of an effort which means that trying to have sex when you are wearing your fluffy bunny PJs, a face mask or night cream covered face, grey worn out underwear, or if you’re a black woman, the mashed up scarf or doo-rag that keeps your hair sorted out at night can be a mega no-no. The dick won’t go limp immediately, but repeated ‘offences’ and we suddenly become ‘boring’ and we’ve ‘changed’.

Due Process

Don’t give his willy a cursory tug or few quick licks as it comes across as lazy or selfish. Put in some time and effort just like the way we expect them to.

Stop The Questions

Just like the way we don’t like to be interrogated about how they are performing, neither do guys, which is strange because they do it a lot! Even worse though is when we ask things about our weight, appearance or their exes when we’re in bed with them. They hate it and as far as they’re concerned, it’s the literal world of man which means they are in bed with you so they obviously aren’t bothered by the weight, appearance etc and are happy with you, love you. Basically keep these questions out of sex time.

Balls Up

Give the balls some love as a lot of women don’t touch them apparently. They are the two (generally) squishy balls dangling near his willy and they store his brain power. Go on, touch them!

Lights on/Lights off

Generally speaking, they like to see us and when the woman insists that she wants the light off because she is embarrassed about her appearance this annoys the guys. It isn’t easy for a woman who isn’t comfortable with her appearance however, it will help if you both try and find a middle ground.

‘Open’ to Experimenting

This covers a lot of stuff and guys walk a very fine line but I couldn’t not refer to this. ‘Experimenting’ is open to interpretation and whereas many will think it’s about position or dressing up, for some it goes much further and can involve porn, threesomes, swinging, domination, anal etc which the woman may not be interested in. This is one particular area where I think men can be very unfair as this is a subjective issue, however it is a bug bear of a lot of guys. They forget it’s a matter of personal taste and you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole….

Faking It

Ask most guys and they’ll say that every woman has had a real orgasm with them, but asked most women and they will claim that they have faked it, often a lot! I don’t believe in faking it but I did do it a long time ago and to be fair, it helps us ladies out of a long, drawn out process, however, guys really don’t like it and if they catch you doing it, it will more than likely spell disaster even if you did it to soothe his ego. Hence if you’re going to fake it, give it your best performance and don’t overdo it!

The Lacklustre Approach

I made a promise to myself that if I’m really not in the mood, I won’t put a guy through a lacklustre session but it seems that there are many women that will. Hate to break any illusions but trust me when I say that no guy wants to have sex with a sack of potatoes or a woman with a face on her like a smacked arse. I’m not saying they’ll lose their hard on, because to be fair, they are men; but they won’t think too highly of you, particularly if you do it repeatedly.

Show Some Enthusiasm

So you are in the mood but for some reason you’ve decided that you’d rather look like someone jammed something enormous up your backside when you’re supposed to be having fun. Humans are about 75% water and for men, the rest is made up of ego. Smile and enjoy it.

It Takes Two to Tango

Basic sex ed info but both a man and woman are needed for sex which means that it isn’t just down to the man to make the effort. Your pleasure is 50% down to the effort that you put into the session and if you rely on the guy to do everything, it is a one way street. Get your hands dirty and muck in!

Take off the sharp hand jewellery

Years ago a friend of mine had his penis masturbated by a woman and her ring caught on his foreskin. She yanked at it very enthusiastically and he had to ask her to stop. She had torn his foreskin and he was in a lot of pain. If the guy has to choose between his dick and you, he will probably choose his dick which means he’ll remember when you damaged the crown jewels.

NML is editor of Baggage Reclaim.

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