How To Cope With Being The Other Woman
April 30, 2007 by NML · 353 Comments
A Note - Due to the sheer volume of comments on the original version of this post, I have had to repost it as the page could not be displayed. Comments will remain open on this post until the discussion board is set up and then they will be closed to prevent slow running of the site. Thanks to the many women that posted on the original.
1. Have your escape route planned. If you have any sense of self worth planned, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.
2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through - you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone but do ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better.
4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.
5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!
6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?
7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you - it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.
8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.
9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.
10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself - you are better than playing second best.
Recently added article - Breaking up and getting over married men
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more
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Maintenance! Technical Issues! - Updated!
April 30, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
Earlier I explained that there have been some loading issues with the blog which I am trying to resolve at the moment. Whilst I have taken steps to speed up loading, it is now unavoidable that at some point (ideally in the next few hours) I will be closing comments on How to Cope with Being The Other Woman and Breaking Up and Getting Over an Attached or Married Man (over 1200 at time of posting). The sheer volume of comments and the ability to load them is having a serious impact on the blogs performance and I want to ensure that everybody has a good user experience. When I do close the comments, I will ensure that there is an alternative for people to continue the discussion, so please look out for posts and notices.
Once again, I apologise for any inconvenience caused and Thank you in advance for your patience!
NML, Editor and Site Owner
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Saying I Love You First
April 30, 2007 by NML · 2 Comments
Three little words can make a relationship if it’s what you want to hear, or they can break a relationship if the words aren’t forthcoming or the recipient gets scared on hearing them. Saying ‘I Love You’ takes a massive leap of faith, but what if you’re going to say it first, or already have?
In an ideal world, saying these words would be just like the rules of giving and receiving - You don’t give to receive; you should give wholeheartedly and without expectation of what you’re going to get in return. But as we all know, this is not the way that it goes, and when it comes to saying ‘I love You’, the only words that you want the recipient to say is the exact same thing back to you. You don’t want to be greeted with silence, empty space where they used to be, or ‘Um..well…er…’. Remember in Ghost when Patrick Swayze’s character could only respond ‘Ditto’?
And then of course, there are the times when the words just slip out like a rogue fart. Alcohol and the joys of sex can have you running your mouth before you know it! I have heard a number of tales of mid sex declarations and generally three things can happen here:
1) He pretends he didn’t hear it and carrys on shagging
2) The words are a mood killer and they’re confronted with a limp penis
3) He says it back whilst in the throes of ecstasy, which throws out one of three situations:
a. Happily ever after because they meant it
b. They pretend that it wasn’t said and an uncomfortable silence looms
c. They actually have no recollection of it because sometimes guys say things in the heat of the moment… To be fair, if they’re enjoying themselves enough, they’ll probably say anything!
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Baggage Reclaim Round Up
April 29, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
When You’re Not His Type, But He’s Still With YOU
Does The Perfect Man Exist?
The Lazy Break Up Via Text, Email and IM
How To Attract An Emotionally Unvailable Man
When You’re Accused of Cheating
Having Standards
Coping With Past Relaitonships
Talking Dirty to Your Man (The Starter Edition)
Conscious Relationships
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Green Sex - Eco-Sex Kit
At the moment it seems like marketing eco-friendly products is the big thing and now its extended its way to sex toy products. You can now do your bit for the environment whilst getting your freak on…
The Eco-Sexy Kit from Babeland contains a Laya Spot Vibrator that is made of elastomer, which is a latex-free and phthalate-free material. The Babeland Massage Candle is made from skin-safe soy which doubles up as warm, scented massage oil (ooh multi-tasking!). The Emerita Natural Lube which moisturises and lubricates, was made without being tested on animals or using any animal derived ingredients, and the Mamba Condoms are produced by a Swedish non-profit whose testing is 15 times more stringent than other condom manufacturers.
Well it seems that green can be sexy….
Available from Babeland for $59 (they ship internationally)
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When You’re Not His ‘Type’, But He’s With YOU
April 27, 2007 by NML · 4 Comments
Whether we’re chasing attached men, men that are emotionally unavailable or the man with the blonde hair, blue eyes, big dick and not much else, our type is either superficial, surface crap, or catering to dangerous patterns within that could actually trap us in a cycle of bad relationships. ‘Type’ ultimately narrows our field of vision and impedes our ability to be open to relationships with people that fulfil the important character and value needs as opposed to the negative desires.
But what happens if you find that special someone and then discover that you’re not their ‘type’? Is that a good or a bad thing?
If you’re bothered about not being your partner’s ‘type’, the issue is mostly with you not them, although this depends on the origins of their decision to be with you. If you’re in a happy, quality, fulfilling relationship, why should it bother you that he used to be with one type of a woman and you’re not that ‘type’? Isn’t it possible that the person has outgrown typecasting their partners and is choosing them for the right reasons as opposed to catering to a type that may have been quite negative for them? Or even just plain superficial?
There should ideally come a point in our dating lives when if we make a conscious effort to ensure that not only are we personally happy but that if there are any outstanding issues that potentially affect how you date or engage in relationships, that these are resolved. If and when this happens, it often means that things that a person desired no longer mean anything because at the end of the day having a quality relationship, with a person of strong character, that loves and cares about you, shares your values, is trustworthy, and emotionally available, is far more important than the colour of their hair, size of breast, colour of skin, or ability to dick you around by treating you mean and keeping you keen. If your partner is with you despite the fact that you aren’t anything like their previous partners, it could be because they have matured and chosen you for very positive reasons. This isn’t something to be suspicious of and if anything you should be relieved that your partner has chosen you for who you are, not a subconscious fulfilling of negative type.
Read more
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“Women’s town” will punish male disobedience
April 27, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
Chinese tourism authorities are seeking permission to build a ‘womens town’ where men get punished for disobedience. The concept is based on the traditional rule of ‘Women rule, men obey’ with the motto of the new town being “women never make mistakes, and men can never refuse women’s requests”. They’re planning to spend at least $26m on infrastructure, roads and buildings but I suspect that they may need to invest a lot more in the controlling of disobedience…
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Does The Perfect Man Exist?
April 26, 2007 by NML · 2 Comments
Every day since our childhoods, we’ve been picking up messaging and cues which have contributed to shaping our perception of The Ideal Man™. Whether you based it off your father or another male figure that was very active in your life, what your mother told you was the ‘right guy’, or from movies, books, other media and interaction with the opposite sex, it is unavoidable that you have ended up building up beliefs and predetermined ideas about what a relationship and the man you have it with should ideally be like. The trouble is, isn’t there a point when we need to switch from fantasy to reality?
There is no such thing as a perfect man, that’s for damn sure, but as sure as the sun will rise and set tomorrow, I also know that we’re not in danger of coming across the perfect woman either. Perfection implies flawless and the very nature of being a human being with emotions that sometimes gets it right and at other times makes it wrong, means that it is impossible for a perfect specimen to exist. Even if you did meet someone that appeared to be perfect, you’d either spend a lot of your time wondering what the frigging catch was, or be incredibly disappointed when they acted ‘human’ or God forbid, screwed up.
If we keep on assuming that there is someone perfect to slot into our lives we’re setting ourselves up for a life of disappointment. This is no more likely to happen than we are to come across a ‘soulmate’ that thinks and acts exactly like we do, all of the time. Life throws curve balls which means that when our partner has an hour, day, week, month where he doesn’t think and act as we’d prefer, our false and exaggerated expectations will make us feel emotionally wounded and let down.
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The Lazy Breakup via Text, Email and IM
April 25, 2007 by NML · 10 Comments
Is it too much to ask that people behave with a bit of common courtesy when it comes to ending a ending a relationship? There are two methods of communication for breaking up: speaking via telephone and face to face. Everything else, unless there are extenuating circumstances says 1) laziness, 2) coward, 3) bad dating karma. Whilst the words ‘cellphone’ /‘mobile phone’ clearly have the word ‘phone’ in them, it doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to use them to text someone to tell them they’re dumped. As for email, what has it done for you lately other than make you lazy about communicating and providing an avenue for talking to strange people that you meet on online dating sites? And don’t even get me started on instant messaging!
Texts, emails and instant messaging are there for fun and convenience. They are informal, impersonal ways of communicating with people that actually make you lazy about actual communication. If you are in a bonafide relationship with someone – you’ve been dating for a while, you are actually a couple, even possibly live together and more…- the very basic decent thing that you can do is have enough balls whether you actually have a pair of testicles or are a woman with proverbial ones, to finish it with them face to face or at least verbally over the phone. Are we too tight to spend the cost of a phonecall?
It is incredibly rude to break up with someone that you have considered yourself in a relationship with via these very impersonal mediums. I read the break up tales of several people and it is shocking how disposable we have come to regard people. I think the notion that there is a very large pool of dating supply to draw from is giving people the idea that they can dispense of relationships quickly and painlessly and move on to the next love interest. People want to avoid confrontation and they get to control the timing by effectively breaking up without the recipient being a part of it. It’s so passive aggressive that unless the recipient is very confrontational and forces the hand of the sender, it is likely that the they’ll be shocked into accepting it. Would you really want to have a break up discussion going back and forth over text, email or IM?
Oddly enough, despite many people communicating in this poor manner, I doubt that they would want to be on the receiving end of it, but I doubt they’re thinking about that when they press ‘send’ without another thought for the person.
If we keep on going like this, I think people will start breaking up by posting to their blog or sites like Myspace and Facebook. Video is quite popular on phones – will some people be braving the ‘face to face’ element and sending prerecorded messages or even breaking up via videocalling? Or why not just post it up on You Tube…..I shudder at the thought!
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How to Attract Emotionally Unavailable Men
April 24, 2007 by NML · 6 Comments
Ever wondered why women attract emotionally unavailable men? Here’s a crash course to the basics:
1. Be emotionally unavailable yourself…even if you don’t know it
2. Be secretly afraid of commitment…even if you make noises about wanting a relationship
3. Have very bendable standards that accommodate his dubious relationship habits…because this is what ‘unconditional love’ means
4. Be cynical about love…after all, don’t you secretly believe that all men hurt you in the end?
5. Decide to play the field and not get into anything serious…even though the moment he starts not being serious you’ll be wondering why he’s not more committed
6. Be completely oblivious to signs of his self absorbency and unwillingness to be emotionally available…even if he spells it out in black and white…
7. Have your relationship toolset at the ready for your next fixer upper project…after all, if you keep on putting the energy into this empty man and do your best to change him, he’ll come around eventually…or your efforts will benefit the next woman when he suddenly decides that he’s ready to be emotionally available…
8. Be insecure, with low self-esteem…because you know you’ll feel better if the right guy comes along…misery does love company and it’s better than being single…
9. Stick around even if he has multiple women on the go, has a girlfriend, is engaged or married…because if you stick around long enough, he’ll see how great you are and you will get to be #1.After all, people do buy the cow after drinking the milk for free…
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more
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