Mobile Phone Rules for Dating

Put it on silent or vibrate.

Don’t take calls or text throughout the date. Go to the bathroom. But obviously don’t spend most of the date taking calls ‘surreptitiously’.

If there is an urgent call that you’re expecting, explain at the beginning of the date. Put your phone on the table so that you can see it and then you won’t spend all of the date checking for the call.

If you end up answering a non urgent call, ask them to call back. Don’t carry on with the conversation!

Avoid being on call for work and going on a date. Dating requires you to put in time and energy, so date when you’re not on the work clock!

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Dressing To Impress For Dates

Less is more when it comes to your breasts. You can accentuate your cleavage and your breasts without having to put the puppies fully out on show! Aim for a hint of cleavage so that there is some mystery on the date.

Try not to wear your work clothes. However if you do need to go straight from work, jazz up the outfit for example by losing the suit jacket, putting on going out top, wearing a wraparound dress (they are great day or night), putting on a stylish cardigan or blazer instead of a suit jacket, or even just changing your shoes or hairstyle.

Make an effort. Never turn up looking like something that the cat dragged in. Don’t turn up in DIY clothes, your tracksuit (a lot of men are very funny about tracksuits as going out outfits on women!), your slobbing out gear, or basically anything that screams ‘I just couldn’t be arsed to make the effort…’

If you’re wearing clothes that expose armpits, legs, or anywhere else hairy, be sure to have wax, shave, or get out the hair removal cream.

Use deodorant and perfume, but there is no need for them to be able to smell your perfume a thousand miles away. Bad hygiene is a major no-no and unnecessary. B.O. and any other dubious odours don’t belong on dates.

Likewise wear clean clothes, not clothes that smell like they’ve absorbed the smell of every meal that you’ve eaten or cooked.

Avoid looking like an Oompa Loompa with your fake tan or foundation. The key is ‘natural’ and ‘subtle’ not ‘day glo’.

Likewise try not to go Halloween with the make-up. Your make-up is not a mask and rather than painting your face, again aim for subtle and natural. You don’t need to put on nightclub make up if you’re just going out for dinner.

Wear clothes that flatter and fit you. Avoid looking like an overstuffed sausage with lumps and bumps that you’ve created and accentuated through poor clothing choices. Remember that if you wear too tight clothes, you could end up with a wardrobe malfunction that could be very embarrassing.

When wearing jeans go for straight leg, skinny, or boot-cut but avoid baggy as it can make you look too casual. The key is that whatever the jeans, find a pair that flatters you. Always wear jeans that flatter your bum, create a bum, lengthen your leg (not shorten it), and flatter your hips and waist, even giving the illusion of one.

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7 Tips for Second Date Success

You still shouldn’t talk about your ex’s! Tempting as it may be to leapfrog to sharing the juicy details of your past relationships, you still don’t know this person and you should be focusing on getting to know them! Remember that whether you like it or not, at this stage of dating, discussing your relationship past can not only cause the person to draw conclusions but they may adjust their own behaviour to fit around what you’ve said.

Steer clear of sleeping with them. In an ideal world, you’d keep it to kissing but whatever you do, don’t let lust, your libido, an apparent connection cause you to get carried away.

Stay positive. If the first date went well, this is great, but that doesn’t mean that you should expect fireworks and cymbals clashing for the second date. Manage your expectations and focus on getting to know them. On the other hand, don’t go in with a negative attitude which assumes that your date is bound to screw up because it’s what you expect from all second dates.

Don’t go to the movies. It is important that you are both communicating and you can’t do this if you’re sitting in the dark watching a film. Whatever your choice of date, ensure that involves a high level of interaction.

Pay attention. One of the biggest causes of dating and relationship issues is failing to pay attention to obvious red flag behaviour in the early stages of dating. Likewise, people do sometimes pretend to be more than what they are, but will always struggle to maintain a complete façade on all dates. You don’t need to play Inspector Clueso – you just need to ensure that you are aware and alert.

Stay away from each other’s homes. It’s too soon for you to be having the date at either of each other’s homes. It’s only a hop, skip, and a jump to the bedroom and it’s best to avoid temptation. It’s also better to be on neutral territory.

If you’re interested, say so. You don’t need to be making big declarations of love, but don’t play games and play ambiguous as it may result in no third date because the person may think you’re not interested. It’s as simple as saying that you’ve really enjoyed yourself and their company.

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim

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Epiphany Relationships

Throughout your dating and relationship history, you’ve ended relationships and felt that whatever had happened had galvanised change, only for you to find yourself in a similar or worse situation all over again. But if you have truly experienced self-defining, life galvanising change as a result of a relationship, you have experienced an Epiphany Relationship.

An Epiphany Relationship is a relationship that caused you to have a sudden clarity and insight into that particular relationship, yourself, your actions, and potentially all of your relationships. There is a defining moment within this relationship where everything changed for you and suddenly you couldn’t escape the truth and it became life changing.

I had had a series of moments in my life where I was glimpsing the truth about myself and relationships, but I was put on the path to change when I woke up after five months of being in a ‘relationship’ with an ambiguous Mr Unavailable and suddenly thought “I can’t do this!” We’d spent the previous evening together, laughing, joking and appearing to be a happy-go-lucky couple. As he got ready to leave my flat the following morning though, it occurred to me that the ambiguity cloud had returned again. He kissed me on the cheek and said “Speak soon” and it occurred to me that I had no idea when I would hear from or see this man who had just spent the night with me. I realised that we were NOT in a relationship and this guy was completely taking the piss!

I lay in my bed and it occurred to me that funny as my dating escapades had been, I had a penchant for emotionally unavailable men and destructive relationships that eroded at my self-esteem and promoted my until then secret and unknown fear of commitment. As I played my dating and relationship showreel through my mind, I cringed at my truth as a parade of dubious relationships where I clearly wasn’t happy went trotting by.

From that moment onwards, life wasn’t the same for me again and to this day I put a lot of effort into sharing my thoughts on emotional unavailability and commitment-phobia because there are a hell of a lot of women out there just like me. I’m lucky that I had my Epiphany Relationship but not everybody gets the trigger.

The key with Epiphany Relationships is that it makes it difficult for you to return back to your old behaviours and patterns because from then on, you’re doing it consciously and that means that the responsibility for your outcome lands squarely with you. These defining moments are difficult to ignore and they can throw out some painful realisations about yourself, but it can be the beginning of a better relationship with yourself, which leads to a better life all round.

The great thing about Epiphany Relationship’s is that from something that could be perceived as negative can come a great deal of positivity. I may not give a monkeys about the Mr Unavailable that gave me my epiphany but thanks to his inability to connect, I’ve been set free from the constraints that I had put myself in and I am most definitely far happier now…without him!
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

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Defining The Relationship

I talk a lot about ambiguity in relationships, especially with emotionally unavailable men, yet I have mixed views about the Defining The Relationship talk for a number of reasons:

Actions speak louder than words. His words don’t mean jack if he doesn’t back it up with actions. Whether they’re a big damn liar that lack the balls to be honest, or they have bitten off more than they can chew, when someone tells you that you’re in a relationship but then fails to behave like they’re in one, it’s because you’re not.

If a relationship is going well and ticking the boxes for the hallmarks of a good new relationship, you shouldn’t need to have a heavy discussion to define things. If the relationship is going well, you’ll both be eager to declare yourself in a relationship without either of you having to pull teeth. Even if a conversation was had, it would be pleasant.

Often, we are capable of defining things for ourselves without him having to open his mouth. The problem is that many people fail to exercise judgment and when they do, they do nothing with the information or compute it as anything but what it actually is. Much like actions speaking louder than words, we’d have much greater relationship success if we exercised judgment, paid attention to red flags, and followed our guts. If you feel bad in your relationship, you really don’t need him to confirm that for you and likewise, shouldn’t you know when you feel good?

People often try to define things too soon or too late. The jump the gunners and the late starters both make a rod for their own backs. The former are so eager to define things that they don’t even give themselves a chance to get to know the person and determine whether they want what they’re trying to define. The latter goes along with things and inadvertently ends up setting the tone and then decides to close the door after the horse has bolted. What is the point in trying to define things after you have been more than happy to be in a flimsy, ambiguous, relationship for an extended period of time, where he has already figured out that he can do what he likes with you?

Defining the relationship sets boundaries and removes ambiguity but the very act of doing it means that you either end up with a positive result, or you put the cat amongst the pigeons if you get an undesired result. Trust me when I say that defining things isn’t that scary a thing if you have good foundations for your relationship. It’s when you have rocky foundations that things can get out of control. People also forget that ‘defining’ things isn’t just about saying ‘we are exclusive’ ; ’you are my girlfriend/boyfriend’ or ‘I love you’ – It’s actually about being honest about where you are and your intentions. It’s the ‘get out’ moment for both of you.

Because people fear confrontation, they can inadvertently end up making decisions for their partner that they have no business doing. People should be honest about whether they have kids, they are separated, divorcing, married, attached etc but often fail to be, which means that they remove the opportunity for the other party to decide if this is something that they want to be involved in.

Defining the relationship is about honesty and displaying a level of maturity that can often be absent with people that fear the attendant emotions and situations that come along with being with someone and having to share themselves. Remember that relationships can only progress and thrive when both parties have both feet in the relationship, so regardless of what discussions are had about your relationship, check that you both have your feet in first.

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When He Can’t Stop Shopping Around Online

If there is one thing that the 21st century and the internet has brought about, it’s options. Before we had the world at our fingertips and we were separated by thousands of miles, we truly had no idea what was out there, and whether we were getting a good deal. Now, no insurance company, bank, or retailer can lie and tell you that they’re giving you the best price, because you can shop around and do price comparison to ensure that you get the very best deal, and it seems that this has stretched its way to dating.

It’s no secret that I am no fan of online dating. Yes there are honest people who date online and there are success stories, but online dating is the home of many people that have an allergic reaction to being truthful. Plus the very act of online dating seems to send a message to people that the grass is always greener on the other side, and to spread yourself out there as much as possible. So what if you have met a guy and discovered that he’s still ‘shopping around’ online?

According to Evan Marc Katz at Advice from a Single Dating Expert, “Online dating is truly a levelling of the playing field – not a tilting in the man’s favour. And the more desirable the person – whether it’s because of looks or money or education – the more likely that you’re gonna have a hard time getting that person to settle down on you. They most likely know that they have great power and are intent on exploring it.”

He suggests that women should combat the uncomfortable situation of knowing that their guy is sniffing around online by “…not sweating it. You can’t control what anybody else does, you can only control your actions and reactions to things.” He also suggests that women should “go in with the confidence that they’re going to love you and they’re more likely to love you. The more you worry about how often he’s logging on, and who else he’s dating, and why he hasn’t taken his profile down, the more likely you are to come across as needy.”

Now whilst I can appreciate to an extent why he has drawn this conclusion - after all, if you had your opportunity to have your cake and eat it, you would - it really does fail to address the core issue with being with a man who still has an active online dating profile and is continuing to fill his boots and shop around.

He is keeping his options open and if he’s doing that he cannot be emotionally available, and he can’t be making the appropriate effort to give your relationship a chance. You’re not needy for not wanting to be one in a long line of women – You’re a woman with good self-esteem that doesn’t want to be messed around. It is tedious and boring when men use ‘needy’ to absolve themselves of having to do the decent thing. All of a sudden, she’s needy and he has legitimised his dubious behaviour. Are you really being needy by saying that you’re not comfortable with the online equivalent of cruising?

And of course there is an even bigger question - What is the frigging difference between shopping around online and shopping around in a bar? You can be damn sure if he was sniffing around a bar, trying to pick up other women, you should most definitely be sweating it.

Guys who shop around online whilst still dating or hunting are trying you out before they buy. It gives their ego’s the reassurance that they’ve still got ‘it’, that they’re still ‘out there’, and they’re not ‘tied down’. Surely if a guy has met a woman in the real world and has the opportunity to forge a relationship with her, why is he still actively pursuing women in the virtual world?

Whilst you’re not ‘sweating it’, he’s rationalising that his virtual activity is separate to his real world activity, so he doesn’t even have to take any responsibility for how his actions may affect you.

When it comes to men, you shouldn’t like sharing (unless that’s your thang) and if you’re in search of a relationship that has a view to developing into a committed long-term relationship, you shouldn’t be prepared to turn a blind eye to his wandering keyboard fingers. Just because you have options, doesn’t mean that you have to exercise them. The online dating playing field appears to present people with options but what it’s actually doing is keeping people further away from committed relationships whilst they keep their eye out for something bigger and better because there seems to be infinite choice. But there’s no point in having a multitude of choice if you never actually make a choice instead of keeping one eye over your shoulder in search of a newer, shinier model that might tick all of your boxes.

If you’re going to be with a guy that shops around online:

• Don’t commit to him because he clearly has not committed to you.
• Find out what his idea of shopping around is. For some guys it means having ‘communications’ (read: flirting) and for others it’s virtual sex, or even meeting up.
• Establish a cut off point. If he’s still doing it after you’ve gone from dating to being so-called exclusive, it’s time to leave him alone with his laptop.
• Cut him off and find a man who can focus his attention on you instead of behaving like a kid in a sweet shop.

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There’s No Such Thing As ‘Out of Your League’

If there is a surefire way to knock yourself out of the running with a potential mate, it’s by perceiving yourself to be out of their league, which essentially sends an internal message to yourself that you’re not good enough for them. The very belief that someone is beyond your means that you would approach being with them from a negative place. It wouldn’t matter what they said or did because you won’t believe that you’re worthy of them. If you don’t think you’re in their ‘league’, why should they think you’re in their league?

Be careful of letting your own sense of self-worth get in the way of reaching out for someone who is truly worth it because when we don’t believe we’re good enough, we tend to end up with people that aren’t good enough either, or fail to recognise when they are. Rather than removing yourself from certain dating possibilities in the dating pool, put yourself out there and give yourself a chance. Not only are you pushing yourself, but you never know what could happen.

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Boomerang Relationships & The Yo-Yo Girl

If you’ve ever had a ‘relationship’ that can’t seem to end with a guy that keeps turning up like a bad penny, it’s because you’re in a ‘boomerang relationship’. No matter how many times you get ‘chucked away’, you keep returning. Generally he’s the one to end it, although sometimes you do because you get sick and tired of the ambiguity, and then you try to get on with your own life. This is when he’ll play it one of two ways:

He’ll bring out the friend card and ‘keep in touch’ with you via phone, text, email etc, so that you never really get to wash him out of your hair, and his ego ensures that he is keeping one foot in your life and making his presence felt…whilst he gets on with his own life. It means he also gets to keep tabs on whether you’re moving on. Of course, at the first sign of you moving on, he ups the contact or even turns up on your doorstep to rekindle things.

The other route is to ‘play dead’ for a while by having no contact with you. You go through the heartbreaking, emotionally wrenching process of trying to let go and at some point you reach a level of acceptance that it is over. Then out of the blue (they seem to have an in-built homing device that ensures that they choose you at just the right time), he makes contact with you, and suddenly you’re thinking ‘What if?’ and all of your progress goes out the window. The contact may continue and again, you may end up rekindling things.

Whatever it is that he chooses to do, you end up being suckered into being The Yo-Yo Girl, that woman that keeps returning to the scene of the crime and seems to have a trail of unfinished business in her life, or ‘boomerang relationships’. You’ll know you’re her if:

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8 Things That Every Woman Should Steer Clear Of

Being with an attached or married man. Take it from the many millions of women who continue to bark up the wrong tree – It is the exception, not the rule for it to work out for The Other Woman. You might think his story or your situation is unique – It’s not. It’s the oldest, non-existent fairy tale…

Sex with your ex. Unless you’ve managed to have the emotional capacity of a stone, all you’re doing is stirring up old emotions and building fluffy castles in the sky. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and if you’re sleeping with him outside of a relationship, it begs the question: Why buy the cow when you can drink the milk for free?

Being a long term booty call. You may think that it’s leading somewhere or that if you spend just a little more time sexing him that he’ll suddenly realise what a sparkling personality you have. He won’t – He needed to figure that out before he started flexing his dialing finger for a shag….

Putting dicks before chicks. Get it through your head. When you will do anything in the name of a man or getting some, to the point where you will screw over a friend, family, or whichever woman to get your way, remember that karma is a bitch. Men that know you’ll screw over the world to screw him, also recognise that they can pretty much do what they want with you.

Being a bitch to your friends. Put more than two women together and at some point, it’s gonna get heavy. We make a rod for our own backs with sniping, bitching, back stabbing, two faced antics and general high school behaviour. Just check out the UK Big Brother to see how dangerous it is to have so many women together. It’s embarrassing. Sisterhood has many benefits and when you enjoy them, you’re not so quick to forsake everything for men that aren’t worth it!

Revenge. I know, I know. He’s a bastard. Or she’s screwed you over. But trust me, the sweet feeling of payback will dissipate rather quickly whether or not you end up on the wrong side of the law. If they know what you’ve done, they normally take the opportunity to take the high road and write you off as the psycho they’re delighted to have got shot of! Be the bigger and the better person.

Emotionally unavailable men. Yet another type of man that women love to bark up the wrong tree with. This guy has a vacancy sign where his emotions should be… No good will come of this. Stop trying to be there, to heal him, to fix him and start trying to fix yourself. This guy is so disconnected from himself and you, he’s become used to listening to the flatlining sound in his ear….

Pretending to be men in the workplace. What’s the point in striving for equality with men if you have to pretend to be a man and grow some proverbial nuts?

Fixer Uppers. Houses are for D.I.Y jobs, not men. What is the point in being with a guy only for you to treat him like a pet project that you’re trying to change? Either accept him as he is, or find a man that you don’t need to fix up!

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How To Have a Great First Date

Don’t discuss your ex’s. No matter how tempting it is to dissect your previous relationships, the time and the place is not on a first date. Surely there must be more than your ex-lover to discuss?

Make an effort. Whether it’s with your appearance or just putting in the time and effort to have a conversation, make sure you pull your weight. Dating is not just about ‘showing up’ and being wined and dined.

Don’t be rude. Clearly being rude to your date is not a good start but also avoid being rude to others such as restaurant and bar staff. Be wary of bitching about friends etc as your date may perceive this as negative behaviour.

Be positive. Yes dating isn’t easy. Yes we’ve all had bad dates. But if you can’t go on a date with a positive mindset and an open mind, don’t bother going because cynical and jaded doesn’t make a good date.

Easy on the booze. Getting sozzled and throwing up your dinner, slurring your way through the meal, or making a holy show out of yourself is unlikely to get you to a second date. Pace yourself and if you know that you’re inclined to lose the run of yourself, don’t drink, or have a cut off point.

Put your phone on vibrate or turn it off. Don’t answer calls or text throughout the date. Check your phone when you go to the bathroom. Obviously don’t spend your evening in the bathroom…

If you suspect that you’ll be argumentative, steer clear of topics like religion and politics. If you can’t resist, remember to debate without getting argumentative.

Don’t start discussing your expectations about marriage, babies, and commitment. Unless you want to send the person running for the hills, be careful of laying down your requirements for these things on dates, especially on first dates because you will scare the pants off them.

Don’t dissect the date itself or the person on the actual date. Save the blow by blow analysis of the person and the date for when you get home and speak to your friends.

Don’t tell your date about your master list of requirements and certainly avoid mentioning where they ‘fail’.

Avoid interrogating. It’s not an interview even though you may be tempted to treat it like one. No-one wants to feel like they’re a suspect of a murder enquiry or in the late stages of The Apprentice…

Avoid too many sexual innuendo’s which can end up being misinterpreted and may even lead to an uncomfortable moment.

Keep sex and any ‘second’ or ‘third base’ stuff strictly off the menu. Horny as you may feel, there are enough people out there that can testify to wondering what happened to that date that they thought they had the great chemistry with that they never heard from again.

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