Can’t We Just Be Friends?

It’s not long after the words have been uttered that render your relationship over that some form of request for friendship will be made. It’s almost as if we have all received some sort of relationship training that makes people the world over trot out the words as a form of consolation that hopefully dilutes the strained discussion and makes you look a little better person in their eyes. It’s like “Hey. I know I’m done screwing with you, but what the hell? Let’s be friends because I’ll feel like less of a prick if you say yes…”

Truth be told, most people don’t really mean it when they say that they want to stay friends. It’s just the polite thing to say. Hell I’ve said it to almost all of my exes and lo and behold, I don’t keep in touch with any of them and I haven’t sought to add them as a friend on Facebook! Not only is it very difficult to go from holding hands to platonic friends, but you don’t do it as a follow-on from a break-up. In order to break up, there needs to be a BREAK. There needs to be distance and time to allow each person to heal and move on. This time can’t be spent playing best mates with one of you acting like you feel less than you do.

The only people that can be friends after having a relationship are those that feel nothing romantically for each other, are no longer emotionally invested, and there has been a healthy distance between you to allow you both to move on.

‘Friendship’ after breaking up is not for those who are hoping that he’ll skip on round to their place and give them a bit of sex from time to time. It’s not for those who are hoping that if they lurk around long enough that he’ll see how wonderful they are and what a mistake they made and beg on their hands and knees to be taken back. However the offer of ‘friendship’ is often put to bad uses, after all, friends aren’t supposed to harm you, are they?

Be careful when your man asks you to be friends after breaking up because for many of them, it is their way of massaging their ego so that they feel like less of a prick, and it also keeps their foot in your life. By allowing him to peek into your life whilst he continues on with his, you don’t actually get the chance to move on and subconsciously you’re heart and mind will be shut off to other opportunities out there. It’s a thin line between professed friendship and becoming their booty call, and once you slip down this slipperly ‘slope’, it’s very difficult to crawl back up. They’re getting the fringe benefits without having to put in any relationship work and it harks back to “Why buy the cow when he can drink the milk for free?”

These guys are like dogs in mangers….they don’t want you, but they don’t want anyone else to want you either. You’re like that toy that they’ve got bored with that they’ve put back in the toybox. As soon as someone comes along to play with it, you look like an attractive toy again and they start making noises about “It’s my toy..”. Of course the attraction wears off and you get chucked back in the toybox again, except this time it hurts more than it did the last time. Real ‘friends’ don’t ask you for sex or come on to you so the moment that you hear him utter these words, let the internal alarm bells ring and make a run for it.

The type of guy who genuinely wants to be your friend despite the fact that your relationship is over, is the type that will respect your wish for space and no contact. They are the crucial things that are needed after breaking up. Let ideally 6 months or a year go by and get on with your life and let him get on with his. You never know…that time may pass and you may realise that you have nothing in common and no desire to reconnect…or it could be the start of a good friendship where neither of you is emotionally invested. The point is that you get to choose what happens from a healthier place instead of being railroaded into something that makes their ego feel much better.

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Tips for Meeting Your Boyfriend’s Parents

Know the status of your relationship before you meet and greet. Don’t assume that just because you’re meeting his parents that your relationship is serious because meeting the parents means different things to different people. Some people bring every girl they’re with to meet their parents (from shag to full fledged girlfriend), whereas others only bring home the very special.

Don’t get carried away with what his parents say. His parents may make comments about how their son is interacting with you, which may give the impression that they think he’s very serious, in love, whatever with you, but this could get you building castles in the sky, if your guy doesn’t actually profess or intend anything. Keep things in perspective!

Dress appropriately. Play it safe and leave the nightclub outfits, twenty layers of make-up, very low cut tops or too high skirts for a different occasion. There is no need to dress like a nun, but dress to impress his parents, not men on a dancefloor. There’s no need for your funeral best but either go smart-casual or if your boyfriend is casual, go casual.

Don’t bitch about him! It’s one thing for his parents to pass comment but I would save the bitching about his irritating habits for when you know them a lot better.

Don’t swear even if they do. Even if his parents are dropping the F word like gangsta rappers, don’t feel the urge to make a guest appearance on the record…

Do be personable, friendly, and let your good qualities shine through. Yes you could be shy and stare at the floor and be monosyllabic but where would that get you? Ask questions, tell them a bit about yourself, and show an interest in their son. Don’t however come across as clingy girlfriend with a potential to be a bunny boiler….

Don’t try to compete with his mum. This is a waste of time and a battle that may never end. It is however a good time to assess his relationship with his mum. You need a guy with a good healthy love and respect of his mother – neither a mother lover (mummy’s boy) or a mother hater.

Obviously don’t flirt with his dad. You may be able to charm the birds out of the trees but flirting with his dad is likely to be perceived as creepy and overstepping the boundaries. It’s easy to slip into this mode if you realise that it’s easier to charm him than his mother, but remember yourself and who you are in a relationship with.

Don’t use the opportunity of meeting his parents to force your man’s hand by getting him to define the relationship, talk about marriage, babies, moving in etc. Backing your boyfriend into the naughty corner at his parents like a rabbit trapped in the headlights may prevent you from ever going for a second visit.

Do get some background information so that you have some starting points for conversation.

Do go easy on the booze because getting tipsy/pissed out of your head/blind drunk and making a tit out of yourself will be something that’s very difficult to forget. Not only will you potentially create the wrong impression on his parents but he might see you in a different light if he’s not so understanding…

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10 Tips On How to Survive the Wedding Season

Weddings are hard work to greater and lesser extents for all people involved, but when you’re single, it takes a special type of resilience to not end up being a bit po-faced…

Don’t have high expectations about there being any totty. I am yet to attend a wedding where there has been any good looking, totty awaiting the attentions of the single women. There do tend to be a lot of couples at weddings so rather than going there and thinking you’re going to meet a hot guy and become the next great romance, expect the worst and hope for the best. You may end up being pleasantly surprised…

Get over any insecurity’s you have about being single before the wedding season starts. Embrace your single status rather than wallowing in misery, otherwise your patience will wear very thin, very quickly, when you have people making stupid comments about catching the bouquet, always being a bridesmaid, never the bride, and pondering aloud why you’re still single.

Don’t rock up to the wedding a hard-faced, jaded, cynical, single as it does radiate from you and you won’t exactly have a welcoming demeanour for any potential single guys that are there. Plus you won’t look good in photos…

Get drunk if you can handle it…but don’t overdo it if you’re the type that starts weeping into her glass of wine singing “All by myself…” by the end of the evening.

If you have the option to bring someone, bring a female friend. Rather than raiding every bar in town looking for a guy that’s suitable enough to bring with you, or bringing your booty call, or the male friend that you secretly fancy, bring a good female friend. Do you really want to spend an uncomfortable day with someone you barely know that you may already regret choosing in haste? Do you really want to bring your booty call when you may end up wanting more than a no frills arrangement that you’re unlikely to get? Do you want to end up trying it on with your male friend only to end up making a fool out of yourself?

Don’t shag or snog someone else’s boyfriend/husband. Trust me, it’s never a good idea to do this but even less so at a wedding. Plus if you get caught, your reputation will take quite a knocking and you’ll definitely regret it.

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Why You Shouldn’t Confront Your Ex

Ex’s tend to throw up more questions than answers. It’s better to get over the desire to confront your ex because it’s a futile exercise which may end up leaving you even more in the dark, or angrier, more hurt, or any number of negative things, but it rarely gives you closure.

It stands to reason that when a break up takes place, the optimal time for you to have any questions answered is when the the break up is taking place, or within the next few days to a week or so. Any time after that and it all becomes rather hazy. Time may be known as a great healer but it also allows people to put their own perspective on things, and much like Chinese Whispers, what actually happened and what they think happened, become two very different things, which of course, will warp your desired explanation.

If you go in there all guns blazing, regardless of how much of a dickhead he is, he is likely to believe that you are a bunny boiling psycho that he’s lucky to have got shot of. Just like the way men have a habit of perceiving simple questions as nagging, this is an example of another thing that he will exaggerate and misinterpret.

If he’s moved on, shouldn’t you? Ex’s are ex’s because they are in the past and if you feel the need to ‘confront’ them, it suggests that your relationship hasn’t ended on great terms, or that you have since found out something that you don’t like. However, your relationship is over. He could apologise and he may or may not mean it, but even if he did, you may find that there is no great wind of change with how you feel about the break up.

Confronting ex’s is often about a subconscious desire to interact with them, to have their attention on you, and potentially remind them of what they are missing. If this is what you want to do, a confrontation is not the way to go about it.

Unless your break up has turned up like a bolt from the blue with little or no explanation, it’s likely that you have all of the answers in your own eyes and mind without him ever opening his mouth. On examination of how you have truly felt over the last few weeks or months, it’s likely that there were some signs that all was not well in the garden of love. All that aside, it’s his actions that do speak louder than his words, and if he’s been behaving like a total sh*t, what more do you really need to know?

Confronting your ex is like seeking a confirmation of something through explanation but why do you need them to confirm it? Can’t you draw your own conclusions and be done with that? I don’t deny that breaking up is hard and closure and moving on is even harder, but we don’t all get to have the perfect explanation. In fact, even when you get an explanation, it doesn’t mean that you automatically move on. The only person you have any control over in this situation is yourself. As long as you are being real with yourself and recognising any personal issues that may impact on how successful your relationships are, what the hell do you need from them?

In fact, moving on and closure is all about you. It’s about recognising and accepting what has happened and removing your emotional investment out of that person and situation and focusing on yourself and the other things that matter in your life. Don’t put yourself through the turmoil of confronting your ex because you’re expending energy that is better spent elsewhere. Your ex doesn’t give you closure, you do. Closure is permission to move on, but you can ultimately grant that to yourself.

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Advice: Should I Confront My Ex?

“My boyfriend recently broke up with me, after we were together for two years, with first year not so serious. He wanted to be with me but I wasn’t as interested, but the second year we played house. I would go over there cook him dinner, clean, decorate (buy all of it).I was the perfect little housewife. We got along, or so I thought. We both told each other we loved one another and I thought everything was going well and this relationship was building.

He started to be weird and have doubts saying “We have nothing in common and how I never did anything for him”, when it was the complete opposite. Just because I did not want to go out and get wasted every night didn’t mean we had nothing in common. Things just seemed to go from bad to worse, like we were a old married couple. We fought a lot towards the end even though I still loved him and would do anything for him.

I went over to his house for dinner as usual and he was very quiet, and didn’t really talk to me. Then at the end of the meal he broke up with me. I left the house upset and he has not made contact since, with no reason to give to me. Now he suddenly has this new girlfriend. Was he with this girl while he was with me??? Word on the street is he was seeing her while he was dating me. What do I do?? He will not answer any of my calls or text me back…I want an explanation and definitely deserve one. I would not be so upset if I was given a reply. What happened? We were so happy and seemed to be getting comfortable…only for him to drop this on me. It came out of leftfield. I am confused, hurt and most importantly p*ssed off!!! I need advice before I go on the war path.”

NML says: OK first of all, I think that you need to step back and separate yourself from the recent break-up and ask yourself how you truly felt about this guy because it seems that for each year of the relationship, there has been an imbalance of interest from each party. If you weren’t that fussed about him the first year, how did you both end up playing house?

That said, for whatever reason, you did invest yourself more into the relationship from the second year and your ex seems to have done a total 360 on his feelings for you…or has he? Some men are about the thrill of the chase and when you don’t appear to be so interested, they will make all of the right noises. They will charm you, disarm, and stick to you like glue, and eventually, for a lot of the women who find themselves on the receiving end of this behaviour, you will be drawn in and ‘worn down’. You ended up succumbing although in hindsight, you’re probably wondering why….

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7 Tips for Saying ‘I Love You’

Say it without pressure. Don’t do it because you think you have to; say it because you want to. Don’t say it because someone says it to you. Despite common belief, just because the three words get uttered doesn’t mean that you always have to hear the three words back.

Don’t say it because you want to test out how they feel. If you fall into this trap it becomes an insincere declaration that may result in you biting off more than you can chew.

Only say it when you have all of the relationship basics in place. You don’t say these three words when you’re not even sure whether or not you’re their girlfriend!

Don’t say it in the middle of sex. You may have a captive audience but it could make for a very uncomfortable, if not sex halting moment. Also, if the sex is that great, you may not even know your name anymore, nevermind whether you actually love them – you love the sex!

As it’s the first time, choose your moment well. It’s nice for it to be memorable although you don’t need to have a contrived, slushy moment. It’s best not to say it when they’ve just told you that someone has died….

Don’t say it as a response to being broken up with. Even if you do mean it, the other person is likely to feel pressured and you may come across as desperate. If the person is breaking up with you because they didn’t know how you felt, saying the three words may work, but it could still come across as desperate and insincere.

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Advice - Should I let a sleeping ex dog lie?

“My ex of almost 5 years ago is currently single and sniffing around. I ran into him recently which is not hard where I live, and he was all googly-eyed over me.  We have not had much contact in the past 5 years due to the fact he ripped my heart out and we both started dating other people.  I recently (2 years ago) found out that he had cheated on me with two girls, both whom I knew, during our relationship. When I questioned him during our relationship he made out that I was a jealous paranoid girlfriend. Hmmmm, always go with your gut instinct huh!

This bothered me at first but now I am kinda over it…only to find out that those two girls weren’t the only ones! (Why do people tell me these things now? This p*sses me off as they should have told me back then - friends my ass!) So now he is sniffing around and I wonder about us and if it would make me feel better to get all this out and talk about the past?  Would it even be worth my while to try and talk to him about this and other unresolved issues we have, or should I just let a sleeping dog lie??? I don’t ever see us back together and I definitely don’t want to sleep with him - there is no desire for that. So if you could please, please give me any kind of advice before I go doing something that doesn’t need to be done. I would feel better to get this all off my chest though but don’t know if I could do it face to face without being emotional. “

NML says: Kinda over him?! Get over this guy before he hurts you again. There are a number of things taking place here and the overriding thing for you is that you appear to be looking for answers, for closure. Five years on, I’m not sure you’ll get them and on top of that, he has been a two-timing, dishonest fool. A lot of time has passed and he is unlikely to be honest now because he is already sniffing around.

Personally I feel that in this situation you have nothing to gain by having this discussion with him.

1 - His ego and character will interpret your willingness to discuss as a sign of interest and the subject matter will definitely make him believe that you’re still emotionally invested in him.
2 - What do you really stand to learn or gain from having this discussion with him? You may think it will give you answers and closure, but considering what this guy has done, it may throw it up more questions and create more hurt.
3 - I think that the facts speak for themselves without him opening his mouth. Not only is he a lowlife, but he’s one that likes fish from your pool of friends when he cheats. Not only is he dishonest, a cheat, and a chancer, but he clearly has no respect for you. This is exemplified even more by the way he has started sniffing around you again as if you’re a soft target.

The best thing that you could do for yourself is cut contact, accept the facts for what they are, and move on. Tell your friends that their brand of friendship would have served you best when you were with him and that you don’t want to hear about what he was doing back then - you aready know enough to know that he doesn’t deserve you and that he shouldn’t be let back into your life. I wouldn’t engage in any discussions with him and he will get the message eventually if you remain firm and strong. Right now he is testing the waters to see if he can still have you in the palm of his hand.

Remember that you can’t resolve every issue and that sometimes you just have to move on with some unanswered questions. Five years is a long time and I think you should leave him way back in your past where he belongs. If you really feel you need to get it off your chest, write a letter pouring out everything you feel…get it off your chest…but don’t post it. Burn it instead. Many people find that they just need to get the thoughts out of there head.

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Decoding the Dating Statistics

A recent survey of 38,912 singles by It’s Just Lunch found that:

1 in 8: the chance a women has for a 2nd date if she has not heard from him within 24 hours of their first date.

NML says: I have mixed feelings about this one as many guys are confused by the calling protocol and actually don’t know when the appropriate time to call is. However, that said, when a guy really likes you, they tend to make it their priority to call you ASAP and will take the chance that it may be too soon. I certainly think that if you haven’t heard from him within 3 days max, move on.

Top conversation killers: past relationship - 49%, dieting or body image - 21%, politics - 15% and marriage - 15%.

NML says: Amen! It is good to see that the statistics back up my biggest pet peeve about what people talk about on dates – their past relationships. Ex’s do not belong on dates! Dieting and body image conversations can throw up insecurities or put the other party in the position of having to feel like they need to reassure you. Obviously if you already feel insecure, no amount of reassurance is going to change that. Politics is a dicey one, especially if you’re the type of person that likes to get into fierce debates – I always recommend steering clear until you know your audience! As for marriage, discussing it on the first date? What are you? On crack?

17% - the chance of liking a date set up by a friend.

NML says: I’m not surprised. It’s amazing how your friends taste goes out the window when they need to set you up with someone. Bad enough that you may feel desperate not to be single, but when your friend feels that desperation, roll on the bad set up! Also, friends rarely know people in the context of dating.

88% of women find money to be very important in a relationship.

NML says: That sounds like such a superficial statement and I don’t think it’s in the way that it is implied. Having a J.O.B., a willingness to work, and a healthy attitude towards responsibilities is important. And also, let’s be real here – When a man earns less than the woman in a relationship, it often ends in tears. Most men are not comfortable with this and it does impact severely on the dynamics. Men have been programmed since time began to be hunter/gatherers and even with the changes of the past 40 years or so, it doesn’t kill that instinct. Relationships have enough problems without insecurity about who earns more than the other and the issue tends to be avoided if both parties are at least on equal footing.

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Farting in Relationships

It was only a few days ago when my boyfriend accidentally farted on my leg in his sleep and shocked us both awake, but after ten months of pregnancy he had to inhale a fair amount of my farts so I found it rather funny. However, there was a time when I would rather have given myself a bellyache than ‘let one go’ in front of him. It’s fairly safe to say that I used to pretend that I was like the Queen – I didn’t fart or do #2’s, but if I did, and that’s only an ‘if’, they smelt like roses…

I think that for a lot of women, it’s a sign that you’re starting to relax and that you’re comfortable in the relationship when you’ll fart, do a #2, albeit like a covert operation for the first while, or be seen without your make-up on and your hair all jacked up first thing in the morning. For many men, farting and locking themselves in the toilet with their PSP or a magazine for long periods of time is second nature to them. They don’t see it as a sign of intimacy because they’d fart in front of anyone and be vaguely apologetic about it, if even…

They think that we’re making a big ordeal out of nothing when we squirm at their farts or feel unbelievably mortified at letting one slip out. And that’s the funny thing – Often when we think that we’re letting one slip for the first time, it seems that we’ve been treating them to our farts in our sleep for a while; they’ve just been gentlemanly and not been telling you about them.

Now that I have let go of my airs and graces (pregnancy and childbirth will totally undo any shame you have left), I do wonder what the fuss was all about but still run a mile from farts and the bathroom when I know he’s been in there. Thankfully there is a healthy line of mystery because unlike some people out there, we wouldn’t dream of doing #2’s in front of each other, or with the door wide open. That is not intimacy; it’s a step too far.

So if you’re prepared to fart in front of your boyfriend and not have a meltdown, take it as a sign that you may be wanting to stick with your guy for a while…Of course, always say excuse me or pardon, don’t put his head under the covers afterwards, and don’t scratch your arse afterwards…

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5 Quick Tips for Effective Communication Within Your Relationships

Listen don’t just talk

People think that you need to talk a lot for good communication but there needs to be a balance between talking and listening. If you’re doing most of the talking, something’s not right.

Be careful of hearing and not listening

Some of us hear what we want to hear or are to busy formulating a reply or drawing conclusions to actually take in what is being said. Focus on what the other person is saying.

Lose the verbal diarrhoea

You don’t need to verbalise every single thought, feeling, and emotion that you have as it can be pretty overwhelming for the recipient, especially if a lot of it focuses around expressing negative stuff or trying to talk the crap out of them in the hope that they verbalise their thoughts. Verbal diarrhoea dilutes the effectiveness of what you are saying and people become numb to your opinions. Just because you have a boyfriend, it doesn’t mean that you can’t express some of your thoughts to your friends or family….

Say what you mean and mean what you say

If you say things to get a reaction, as a way to issue an ultimatum, or to make promises that you always fail to deliver, it’s a slippery slope to misery. Not only will you not be taken seriously if you ever stop doing these things but you become someone who talks a good game but doesn’t follow through.

Don’t be accusatory

If you want to put people on the defensive, being accusatory is a sure-fire way to ensure it. It immediately gets peoples backs up when you point the finger and unless it’s one of those definitive things like “You forgot to take out the bin”, it’s better to steer clear of being accusatory and saying things like “You never pay any attention to me.”

If in doubt, ask

Instead of having unnecessary tension because you think that he might have meant something negative with a particular comment, ask. Many relationships flounder through confusion and misunderstanding that hasn’t been communicated because we fear looking the fool or having our assumptions confirmed.

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