Should Guys Always Pay for Dates?

It doesn’t matter that there has been some addressing of the gender balance and that by rights we should be equal because when it comes to who should pay on dates, particularly the first one, the finger is often pointed in the direction of male wallets. Guys paying for dates is one of those understood ‘rules’ that most would struggle to explain the legitimacy of. It was one thing for guys to be expected to pay when it was the natural dynamics for the woman to be unable to pay her way, but as we are supposed to be equal, couldn’t we cut their wallets a little slack and pay our way too?

The trouble with this whole paying for dates mallarky is that it doesn’t matter about the passage of time; there is still male ego to cater  to, plus inbuilt behaviours created from years of social conditioning. The guy may not want to pay, but his ego will struggle to comprehend and cope with this idea because many men perceive paying for dates as an act of chivalry and something that defines the man’s ability to provide. Take away the option of him paying and it could be like removing his nuts…

Whilst there are some women that want to pay their way or at least pay half, I think it’s safe to say that there are more women out there that expect at least the first date to be paid for by the guy. The expectation is that if he asks, he pays and him paying caters to our sense of femininity. Many women do perceive a guys unwillingness to wine and dine her (at least on the first date) as a sign that he’s not interested and isn’t charmed enough by her to want to ‘woo’ her.

I don’t think guys should always pay for dates, but I do think that you should gauge every situation differently. You know when you’re out with a guy that wants to wine you, dine you, and 69 you (joke…) without you putting your hand in your pocket…and when you’re out with that guy who’s counting the pennies…or at least your half…be prepared to pay for your half. It all comes down to being prepared - don’t leave the house without your taxi fare and some ‘just in case’ money and if in doubt about whether he’s the type to pay, don’t order the most expensive food and wine on the menu! And be prepared to graciously accept if he offers to pay, and graciously cough up if he’s looking to split the bill, when you’re on your second and subsequent dates.

I beg you though - never do that reach crap where you pretend you’re offering half or even the whole bill, when you just want him to decline. It’s highly insincere and you’re setting the poor guy in a trap by hating on him for accepting!

As for the guys that don’t want to pay, they need to be upfront to avoid the confusion. Considering that they know the ‘rules’ of the dating playground, it makes sense not to assume that women will be able to smell from 50 paces that they’re men that expect the woman to pay. This is where THEY could cut us a little slack!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Are You Too Clingy?

Clingy is a very subjective word when it comes to men, much like nagging… Around the wrong guy who may be afraid of commitment, getting too close, or having a woman so close she may find out what a dickhead he is, he is likely to perceive the most innocent of gestures as ‘clingy’, especially if she doesn’t let him get away with not defining the relationship. Around a guy who has both feet in the relationship, enjoys hearing from you and being around you, clingy is unlikely to enter into the fray. Over at Dave Zinczenko’s Mysteries of the Sexes Explained, whilst I agreed to some extent, I couldn’t get over the petty reasons that men find to mark women down for clinginess.

Needy Sign 1: Your Over-Under on Daily Phone Calls is Two*

“Fine, you need to check in once during the day to see if you’re set for dinner, and then once again later in the day just to fill him in on what happened to your boss/friend/grandmom, or just to say hello.”

Apparently if you call more than twice (*three times if you have kids), the guy will think he’s not trusted and will basically think that you believe that the sun rises and sets on him and you need him to make you happy. Trust me, when women don’t call, they’re accused of being inattentive and not as interested as they should be. HE’S probably wondering what she’s up to why she’s not calling that much.

Reality Check – You do what works for your relationship. Communication is a two way street, hence if he is calling you, and you’re calling him, what’s the big frickin deal? Sometimes couples like to share anecdotes of their day to feel connected when they’re apart. If you don’t trust your partner, then you have bigger issues than how many phonecalls you’re making each day and you need to resolve those. All that calling him proves is that he’s capable of picking up the telephone…

Needy Sign 2: You Insist on a Joint E-mail Account

“While there’s no problem with joint bank accounts, joint car loans, and joint mortgages, there’s a not so subtle message that’s sent to guys when their Internet activity is being monitored like it’s under the eyes of a 24-hour surveillance camera: That you don’t trust him a lick.”

I have to say that I am inclined to agree here. As Dave points out, some men do abuse their cyber privacy but a joint email account is still damn weird. At the end of the day, you’re only ever a few clicks away from a free email account. As if a guy who is having an affair or subscribing to porn/online dating sites, is going to sign up with your joint email?

Reality Check – Much like going for a poo in front of each other or with the door open, joint email accounts don’t scream intimacy…they scream a step too far. You are both individuals and relationships with good foundations built on trust, mean that he should be able to have some areas of privacy.

Read more

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Tips for Dating Without Drama

Don’t date if you feel cynical, jaded, or bored with dating because you will no doubt draw in people who perpetuate what you already feel and scare off the decent guys.

If you don’t want to spend a lot of time wrecking your head over whether he really likes you, whether he’ll call, or why he didn’t call, keep your knickers on for the first few dates at least. Sex whilst it can be very enjoyable confuses the hell out of things. If you’re asking where you stand when you’ve already had sex…it’s too late…

Don’t date if you are not over your ex. It may feel like the best thing to do is jump back into the saddle after a break up but if you haven’t given yourself time to get over it, you are likely to end up sabotaging your dates. It is also likely that the emotions that are still attached to your ex will create drama in itself. Never date until you have reduced your baggage to hand luggage…

Don’t date if you are already involved with someone. This is a surefire way to create unnecessary drama. Either you’re greedy…or just plain foolish but should the person you’re already involved with find out, you’ll look like a bitch no matter what your reasons.

Don’t play games. Games really shouldn’t enter into the dating and relationship arena unless they’re in the bedroom… Otherwise playing games creates unnecessary drama by manipulating people and the outcome of situations. You may feel like you need to test your dates but you’re creating a relationship based on misconceptions. And how can you trust what you think you know when you’ve been playing games? Oh and if your dates suss that you’re a date player, you’ll come off looking like a childish fool…

Avoid emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailable’s) and Bad Boy Lovers like the plague. They may seem exciting and dramatic at first but you won’t be saying that when they’ve screwed with your head and you no longer know your ass from your elbow.

Always tell someone that you’re going on a date. If he seems weird, listen to your gut. Meet in an open, public place for the first few dates and keep your spider senses alert for anything that comes across as strange, intense, or stalkery.

If he comes with excess baggage that involve a wife or girlfriend, tell him to get lost. Or tell him to come back when he’s rid of them. Nuff said.

Be careful of multiple dating. It’s a tricky business juggling several men and requires you to be very organised. Unless you’re anal retentive enough to do the juggling without breaking a sweat…steer clear… Dating is a less stressful when you’re not cacking yourself about mixing up names or sending an email or text to the wrong guy.

Keep conversations clear of exes, politics and religion on the first few dates. You may think that caring is sharing or that a date is a good place to start a political or religious debate…but really it isn’t. Your ex most certainly belongs in the past not on your dates.

Easy on the verbal diarrhoea. Communication is not verbalising every waking thought and emotion that you have. This is a serious overload for the person on the receiving end.

Don’t be bitchy, aloof, confrontational, or aggressive. You may think you come across as independent and self-assured but actually you’re coming across as bitchy, aloof, confrontational, or aggressive… They don’t exactly scream ‘date me’…

Say ‘No’. Much of the drama that happens with dating arises from not being true to yourself and being agreeable. There is nothing wrong with saying ‘no’ and it means that you don’t have to act happier than you feel.

You don’t have to say ‘I love you’. I’m not saying that people don’t mean it when they say it, but often these three words get uttered because people want to move the relationship to where they think it should be. Remember that whilst you may think you mean it, it’s best to only say these words when you have all of the building blocks in place for a good relationship. Saying these three words, for instance, to a guy who struggles to remember to call you, is a recipe for disaster.

Be careful of Defining The Relationship Talks. Of course these DTR’s can be useful but I tend to find that people use these in the absence of judgment and either jump the gun and have the talk too soon, or leave it until it’s far too late. Or they have DTR’s all the time and this becomes how you both communicate…and that’s not good either.

Don’t try to buy your way or shag your way into someone liking you. One could potentially leave your wallet empty and the other could leave you emotionally empty.

Don’t date out of desperation because you end up with desperate dates that you end up doing a Fixer Upper or suffering with ‘I Can Change Him’ syndrome. If you date from an unhappy place when you already have low self-esteem, you will invite men into your life that reduce your self-esteem even further and cater to the insecurities that you already feel.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Don’t Date Her/Him - More Like Stop Bitching

I remember that scene in Sex and The City where Samantha went around NYC taping posters of cheating Richard on lampposts. The female cop warns her that it’s against the law to fly post but Samantha tells her that she caught him going down on another woman and the cop tells her to go ahead. I thought it was hilarious at the time but I never suspected that there would be virtual lampposts on the internet for people to do the very same thing, except this time there is no cop to intervene.

Due to the success of Don’t Date Him Girl, the website that lets you post details on cheating men, there are now plans for Don’t Date Her which gives men the opportunity to protect themselves too. Are these websites really a good idea and is sharing really caring, or is it more a case of revenge is dish best served cold and virtually on the internet where everyone can get to read about you?

There are two types of way you can be involved with a cheat: Complicit cheating - you know that he has a girlfriend or a wife but you keep seeing him anyway. Or Unwitting Cheating - The silly bastard lies through his teeth and tells you that he’s single and available and unbeknowst to you he leaves you to skip on home to his other life.

The woman involved in the latter situation has every right to be pissed off and whilst I don’t agree with naming and shaming, I can understand how she may feel that she is doing other women a favour by alerting them to this man’s deceit. However…I don’t think that this is what Don’t Date Him Girl is all about.

When I read through the postings on this site, I found bitter women who just want to bitch about the guy in question. I will be honest, I have very little favourable things to say about any of my ex boyfriends. It’s no secret that I’ve been out with some complete assclowns and I can’t claim to be friends with any of them. However…that’s just my perception of them and my relationships with them. If I had posted on a website about one of them, naming and shaming them, shortly after we had broken up, I would probably have been quite vitriolic if I was the type of woman inclined to do this type of thing…but I’m not…and I don’t think that many women are either.

Let’s be real ladies…when a guy ditches us or a relationship ends badly, don’t their penises get shorter, the sex is suddenly not so great anymore, and you may even claim that he needed a well lit flight path to find your clitoris even if he’s not badly hung at all, the sex was amazing, and he knew just how to hit the right spot. It’s called being pissed off. It’s called bitching. But putting it on the internet for every other woman he may come into contact with and then some, is taking things to a whole new level.

Women aren’t known for being too great on the sisterhood front and I’m not inclined to believe that we need biased reviews of men from women who are unable to be objective about them any longer. When we’re emotionally invested in someone…and scorned, who can be objective?

“hes a diseased, lying bastard”

“ I met X on hotornot.com early in 2006. We started datingin April 2006. I asked him quite early on in our relationship if he had any children. He said no. He lied - he has a four year old son. I ask you, what sort of a man lies about the existence of his child? ” OK we’ve established that he’s a liar but what the frick has this got to do with cheating? As an aside…I had no idea that people date each other after meeting on sites like hotornot!

The opportunity to name and shame online leaves itself wide open to misuse because hell have no fury like someone who has come out of the wrong side of a relationship. There is no standard for people to adhere to on these sites regardless of any rules that may exist because how can you decipher fact from fiction. The very premise of these sites assumes that all people are honest and that they don’t misuse. The terms of use don’t mean much because the lies need to be posted to be pointed out and by that point, thousands, maybe even millions of people have had the opportunity to read it. Surely these sites shouldn’t be used by people who were more than happy to be The Other Woman or The Other Man until things didn’t go their way?

The cop that caught Samantha could see that it was revenge whereas sites like Don’tdatehimgirl are telling us that it’s helpful and warns other women when what they’re really doing is providing the arena for revenge and sitting back and letting it unfold. I don’t find websites like these empowering. We shouldn’t be reliant on a woman with a vendetta to empower us into walking away from a man. We should rely on ourselves, pay attention to red flags, and run a mile when the relationship is doomed. The type of energy spent slagging off an ex online as a way to ‘warn’ other women could be used to get over them, move on, and avoid falling into the trap again.

Read via About.com

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

‘I Can Change Him’ Syndrome/Fixer Uppers

‘I Can Change Him/I Can Help Him’ syndrome (aka the Florence Nightingale/Nursemaid role) occurs when a woman focuses her energies of fixing anything that she deems to be incorrect with him. Guys who are specifically chosen for their potential workload qualities are known as Fixer Upper’s. You ‘buy’ them cheap, renovate them like a home and with any luck you get to hold onto them, but sometimes the Fixer Upper gets cocky and puts himself out on the market for a new lady owner because after you’ve finished making him attractive to you, he’s become attractive to a lot of other women too!

This is you if…

• Who you say you’d like to be with and who you end up with are poles apart.
• You tend to date ‘beneath’ you.
• You’re insecure and crave attention. You may have your ideal man in mind but you can’t wait for him because you need the reassurance of male attention.
• You’re afraid to be alone and resent being single.
• You’re quite critical. Some people are critical and run in the opposite direction, whereas you see the potential in your ‘property development’.
• You tend to put your men through their own extreme makeover.
• You see yourself as a helper, and welcome the waifs and strays of the dating pool.
• You have found yourself in relationships with men that are financially dependent on you, or who take advantage of your generosity. There is a desire to control and the underlying expectation is that in exchange for your generosity, he should tow the party line.

Imagine if a man bestowed his interest in you despite the fact that he thought you may be beneath him, not on his level, or as attractive or as full of the qualities that other women he would like to date have. Imagine that he then made you into his pet DIY project and spent much of his energies trying to change the things that he felt weren’t so attractive in you. Would you thank him for giving you the opportunity to be so much better than he thinks you were, or would you resent him and tell him to go and take a run and jump? Well I’d like to think you’d do the latter…as long as you had some self-esteem left….

Read more

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

The Way He Makes You Feel

“The way you make me feel…You really turn me on” Michael Jackson.

It’s comforting to know that the next line wasn’t “But it’s a shame about [insert whatever bugs you here]”

I recently sat with a woman who was lamenting her relationship woes. She was miserable because she thought that she was on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend, yet at times during the conversation I was genuinely alarmed at the amount of fault finding and nit picking that she did. It was only when I asked her how she felt around him that she admitted that this guy makes her feel “cherished, loved, and so happy when I’m in his company. When we’re apart I feel so down”, yet she was too busy clinically analysing and scrutinising the guy, questioning his appearance, the way he speaks, and comparing their intellectuality.

It’s amazing how we have the ability to switch from focusing on how we feel around a person to what they are or do, depending on the type of man we’re around. Be with a total bastard and we waste no time in saying how in love we are, how the earth moves, and how the sun rises and sets on his arse. But be with a nice guy that treats us well and we start pulling apart his character or personality as if we’re on the dating equivalent of X Factor/American Idol. Simon Cowell may have a razor sharp tongue for people who can’t hold a note and have misguided ideas about that pop star destinies, but let him spend some time around a woman who wants to pick faults with her guy, and even he could be rendered silent.

Read more

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

He’s Just Not That Into Booty Calls?

“It’s hard to have casual sex without getting emotionally involved,”

Normally I would attribute these words to a woman, but on this occasion, it is to Ben, someone who claims to be amongst a growing number of men who just aren’t into booty calls. Say what?

“He’s Just Not That Into It” in Details Magazine examines this sudden change in the wind as men decide that they don’t just get hard and have actually got more emotional capacity than a stone when it comes to indulging in casual sex.

Whilst I do believe that casual sex floats everyone’s boat, it is still spearheaded by men. Millions of women have found themselves being unsuspecting one night stands or booty calls because many men don’t have balls big enough to admit that it’s all that they want. Instead, they let these women get sucked into the illusion that they are embarking on the beginning of something beautiful, when in fact, it will meet a very sharp end the moment that they roll off them.

“Isaac says he won’t have sex with someone he’s not emotionally attached to. He once walked away from a no-brainer—when a “gorgeous” former student ‘told me she sucks really good dick’—because he felt he couldn’t be giving, as he was emerging from a bad break-up.”

Well it’s nice to know that there are examples of men turning down sexual opportunities that are handed to them on a silver platter, after all, Isaac could easily have had some ‘medicine’ to make himself feel better… I have no doubt that he felt very uncomfortable about slipping her the mickey, but this situation also represents something else – when it’s the woman that’s effectively in control or being blatant about her sexuality or desire for casual sex, it’s just not that exciting.

For many men that habitually engage in casual sex, they like to think that the woman has brought into the idea of being with them and may even be falling in love. I have had many a woman complain of being mistreated by guys because they have been upfront about the fact that they just want the guy for sex. The men on the receiving end of their candidness wasted no time in trying to take chunks out of their character or even trying to reel them in emotionally just so that they could prove a point.

I don’t think it’s fair for women to assume that all guys want sex but unfortunately the type of man that we have often been confronted with out in the dating world isn’t doing very much to dispel this generalisation. These men may be declaring themselves off booty calls but I don’t think they represent the great majority.

The article goes on to discuss women believing that all guys want is sex and one man tells of how his sexuality was challenged and how he was badgered for sex all night by one persistent woman; the type of behaviour that if a guy was doing it would have him being called a “monster”. We’re accused of having further double standards when “Guys can be made to feel like dicks for withholding theirs” and that women take sexual rejection very personally.

What we have here is years of misguided social conditioning rearing its ugly head. There are years of repeated behavior coming back to bite men in the ass. By constantly helping to reinforce the idea that women should be up for casual shagging, many women have effectively jumped onto the bandwagon. The words ‘Be careful what you wish for’ have never been more apt!

Read more

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Can a Booty Call Grow Into a Relationship?

Recently I’ve been asked by several readers whether a booty call can become so much more. I must say firstly though, if you know that you’re actually a booty call, should you really be asking this question! Anyway…

Booty Call: This is when someone has the ability to flex their dialing finger and call up a certain person solely for the purpose of a shag. It tends to be late at night, it’s most definitely casual, no strings fun, and it relies on either both parties being grown up enough to know the deal and enjoy it for what it is, or for one person to be clever enough to let the other think that they’re getting more than they are, when all they’re looking for is boo-tay.

On the very basis that booty calls relies on the parties using each other for sex and you being flexible enough not to mind, why the hell would you want it to turn into a relationship? If you’re doing the booty call right, you don’t know enough about their character or personality to warrant even considering having a relationship. Technically all you know is that they screw well (God help you if you’re having a crap sex with a booty call…) and that when it comes to getting free and easy sex without any hassle, they can be punctual about arriving, and even more punctual about beating a hasty retreat to their own home, so that you can finish getting a good nights sleep. If you’ve been talking and getting to know each other…you just aren’t doing it right!

Booty calls are about using people for sex and whilst it’s a case of each to their own, it’s not a great advertisement for a person. Trust me when I say that booty calls are not something that everybody indulges in. The fact that all he wants to do is rock up when he gets hard, stick it to you and then leave, shouldn’t have you hankering for a relationship!

Read more

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Is it so hard to join the sisterhood?

I admit that despite vowing never to watch the damn thing again, for three months each year, I find myself compelled to tune into Big Brother (the UK version). It doesn’t matter that I pathologically dislike the bulk of them; there is just something so interesting about watching people who really only desire their one minute of fame, make complete and utter tits out of themselves on TV. This year however, it has been far more interesting, solely for the fact that at the outset, they placed eleven women initially in the house and a few days later added one man. What followed was a very damning enlightenment on female behaviour that proves beyond all doubt that put more than one woman in a room and it won’t be long till someone starts bitching and the jealousy/backbiting/one upmanship, and general lack of sisterhood commences.

Even though this behaviour started before the guy entered the house, when he did arrive, it was interesting how any pretence about them not being competitive came to an end. Suddenly everyone judged and perceived others behaviour on the basis of how they interacted with the guy, how he interacted with them, and what they believed about having a man in the house would impact on the female behaviour. The biggest target of the bitching? The woman who got together with the guy.

What is it about us as women that just can’t resist the gossiping, bitching, sniping, and pulling apart of our counterparts? What is it that makes us regress to playground inmates as we decide one week that we’re best friends with Jessica and hate Sarah, but the following week, you love Sarah and you both hate Jessica? Whilst I don’t believe that men are devoid of a bitching tendency, they do seem to be brotherly with far more ease than women do with sisterhood. Many of their conversations revolve around their interests and whilst they do discuss their feelings (sometimes) and can even wax lyrical about emotional aspects of their lives, you’d be hard pushed to find a group of men bitching about another man on a regular basis.

It’s the general lack of sisterhood that often contributes to our own undoing. Many women think nothing of ‘stealing’ other women’s men and see it as survival of the fittest. ‘I can love you better than she can’ is a lyric that pops up regularly in songs and it reminds us that we often perceive each other as a threat to what we need and desire. Lots of women think nothing of sitting with a group of women having a good time, only for one of them to get up and leave the room and for them to take chunks out of her character. We often look down on some of our female counterparts for the choices that they make rather than respecting the differences and living and let live. You get women who hate women because they’re trying to compete in a man’s world and you get women who if you closed your eyes and listened to them, you could be mistaken for thinking that you’re in the latest version of Mean Girls.

Often at the centre of a lot of our lack of sisterly behaviour is men – We want someone else’s man; you think that she thinks that she’s the cat that got the cream because she has a boyfriend; she got married before you; you’re competing in the same patch for men; you feel inferior around her because she’s slimmer/prettier/bigger breasts/nicer/ smaller breasts/blonder/darker/lighter/a different race/more exotic/more ‘successful; you think you’re superior to her because you’re slimmer/prettier/bigger breasts/nicer/ smaller breasts/blonder/darker/lighter/a different race/more exotic/more ‘successful ;you think she’s a slut; you don’t understand how she always has boyfriends whilst you keep having one night stands; or you just think that she’s smug for something that you can’t quite put your finger on….

Read more

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

TV DOCUMENTARY

Single? Looking for Mr Right?

Are you a single woman who’d love to get married but are yet to find Mr Right? We’re looking for woman who are focused and positive in their search and have already made inroads into plans for their big day.

If that’s you or someone you know TV documentary company would like to hear from you!

Please call Lauren on 020 7272 4000 or email: hello@vgoodfilms.com for a quick chat.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Next Page »