It’s not about blaming yourself with emotionally unavailable men

A reader commented on the The Mr Unavailable Guide that “I think it is too damaging to start labeling oneself as being attached to unavailable men…the problem is declining values. We all need to find a way to be honest to our would-be partners; we need to be able to say what our needs are, and we need to stand up for what we believe is right for ourselves. Blaming ourselves for continually finding bad partners is seductive, but the real issue is not that you find unavailable men, but that when you do, you don’t let them go. To blame ourselves when all we did was open our heart when someone insists on being dishonest about who they are seems like blaming the victim to me. Obviously, it is a learning curve. It takes some of us longer than others to realize that w e have a dog on our hands be it male or female. If you STAY with someone who treats you badly, that is when you need to take a look at yourself.”

Of course there is some validity to her statement as no woman can take the blame the responsibility for his inability to access his emotions, but there is such a thing as accountability and recognising ones own contribution to the relationship. Mr Unavailable is not having a relationship with himself – Women are engaging with him, which is what allows him to continue on with his behaviour. What this comment brings to the forefront is:

1) We all have our own way of looking at our own reality. There’s how we see things, how others see the same thing, and the reality.
2) Women don’t read about emotional unavailability because they just stumbled across a random guy who they are wildly attracted to and they want to find out more. Most women are habitual engagers with Mr Unavailable’s. It is a way of life.
3) Is there any difference between not letting them go and being “attached”? Or is it just that one sounds better…
4) Are you actually opening your heart? Or is it more a case of that by being with emotionally unavailable men you don’t actually have to ever open your heart?
5) “Badly” is a subjective word. One womans idea of badly is another womans idea of fireworks, drama, and the yo-yo tug of her heart.

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Advice: He’s miserly with his time, money, and himself

I’ve been dating a guy for a little over a year and when we first met he told me that he didn’t go out much. I thought that was great since I’m not really into the club/party scene, although I do enjoy other activities like dinner, movies, shopping, etc. What I didn’t realize is that when this man (he’s 28, I’m 27) said that he didn’t go out is that he doesn’t like to do anything! During our first months of dating I was able to get him to the movies once and dinner on occasion but that was it. He’s very frugal so I thought that it was the money that made him want to stay in so I was able to get him to accompany me to a friend’s dinner party and a few family gatherings since they wouldn’t cost him a dime.

After the holidays last year he completely withdrew from doing anything with me. On Valentine’s Day he told me that he’d take me to dinner at a place that one of his co-workers recommended. I’d never eaten there before and thought it sounded like fun and asked him if I needed to Google the address or directions and he said no. Well, to make a long story short we never found the place and I offered to call a friend for directions and he told me not to and asked if there was anywhere else I wanted to go. I named another spot and he asked if there was anywhere else other than the place we’d agreed upon or the place that I mentioned and I said no. We ended up at an IHOP that still has a smoking section–how’s that for romantic? When we got there he kept saying how we were there because of me and that he’d rather be at home watching TV. I told him that we should just leave because I didn’t want IHOP. He was determined to give me a Valentine’s Day dinner so IHOP it was. Following that date, we didn’t eat out again until July! The next dinner date was in September after that.

I have even offered to pay for us to go out. It’s not like I’m asking him for extravagant nights on the town. I’ve even suggested picnics, free concerts, or anything to give us a change of scenery and he always says no and suggests that I go out with my girlfriends. At one point he even told me to call up an ex to see if he’d take me out because that would be doing him a favor.

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Why don’t men call after a great date?

I realised after years of dodgy boyfriends and dates that two people see things very differently and that you need the judgment skills of a crime scene investigator to work your way through the minefield of dating. Right now as you read this, there are hundreds of thousands of people out on first dates and by the end of the date, they’ll either be praying they never have to see the person again, or crossing their fingers behind their back that the other person feels as great about things as they do. But what do you do when you have a great date (and sometimes they even tell you it was great) and then you never hear from them ever again?

Move. On.

One of the most important things that you can learn about dating is that much like when you’re in a relationship with a guy and they fear confrontation and nagging, many men are complete wusses about conveying in any way that the date is anything less than up to par. This means that they will carry on like they’re on the date of their life and make you feel good about it even though they have no intention of seeing you again because they don’t want to look like a prick and need to make you feel good about them and the date.

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Are you really lonely for a boyfriend?

“Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. Loneliness is more than just the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any form of meaningful human contact. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world.” Source Wikipedia

Recently I wrote about not looking for happiness with a man. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have happiness with a them; it’s more that you shouldn’t see men as the sole source of joyous happiness. Being single shouldn’t be regarded as that miserable time that you pass in between relationships, as you’re likely to end up miserable with a man, which sort of defeats the purpose…. A recurrent theme in the comments though was accentuated with the question ” How do we deal with the loneliness?”

It’s not down to me to invalidate how someone feels, but it is down to you to check out the validity of your statements and beliefs because if you don’t, you not only cling to incorrect assumptions and beliefs, but you make poor decisions as a result of them. ‘Loneliness’ is a very big word and if you are fortunate enough to have people who love you in your life and whom you love, even if they’re not a boyfriend, it shouldn’t be taken for granted. There is nothing wrong with desiring a boyfriend/life partner or whatever you want to call him but being ‘lonely’ for one can give off a desperate vibe to men that isn’t attractive.

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