Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 1
January 30, 2008 by NML · 497 Comments
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A while back, Rose City Girl explained the No Contact Rule which drew in quite a few comments. More and more of you are writing to me wanting to know more about the ‘no contact’ rule and how to move forward.
The No Contact Rule is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NCR) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing the guy around even though he is mistreating you.
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Being The Other Woman - The Lessons I Learnt - Part 3
January 28, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
Last week in part one, I talked about how you’re an escape from reality, that all the cheating guys are liars, that the situation is far from being unique, that these guys are manipulators, that they rarely leave their wives or girlfriends, and that as women we treat the dysfunctional relationship we have with these men like a competitive sport. In part 2, I discussed how we’re responsible for our actions, how they remove our power, how we need to be in a dark place to be with them in the first place, that we have issues with commitment, we do hurt even when we pretend we don’t, and much more. And now for the final part…
You have to make his wife or girlfriend real. Stop pretending that she doesn’t exist. Stop regarding her as the woman who is standing in the way of you being with the guy that is rightfully yours. Start regarding her as human. I used to refer to his girlfriend as ‘her’ and I noticed that on the rare occasions that I said her name, he’d wince. The more I got real is the more that I called her by her name and made her real for us both. I stopped regarding her as pathetic and weak and started seeing her as a woman, someone who is human and has faults and makes mistakes just like me. I realised that even if I put myself in her shoes and decided that she wasn’t an amazing person, who the hell was I to regard her so negatively when it was me who was sleeping with her man!
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Advice: Is it my fault that we broke up?
January 25, 2008 by NML · 11 Comments
I met a guy last year who had been separated for six months after being married for nine and had two kids. He was upfront about this on the night I met him. I’d approached him in a pub by telling his friend I liked him. The following day he rang me constantly, which was scary so I didn’t reply until later, and then we texted for a week, then met up for a date.
I explained that I’d been hurt before, was reluctant to get involved, and that I needed to take things slowly. He explained his ‘baggage’, and the fact that his wife had left him and was taking him to the cleaners.
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Being The Other Woman - The Lessons I Learnt - Part 2
January 23, 2008 by NML · 9 Comments
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Yesterday, in the first of my three part series about what I’ve learned about being the Other Woman (OW), I talked about how you’re an escape from reality, that all the cheating guys are liars, that the situation is far from being unique, that these guys are manipulators, that they rarely leave their wives or girlfriends, and that as women we treat the dysfunctional relationship we have with these men like a competitive sport.
But of course there is more.
I relate to Oprah’s admission that she felt pathetic and powerless. Often, when we are involved with attached men they reduce us to feeling or acting pathetic and they remove your power. I remember often feeling helpless and I attributed it to this overwhelming amount of feeling I had for him, but in fact, the helplessness arose from being stripped of everything I knew that was right and wrong about relationships, and also the good things about myself. All the arguing, discussing, crying, threats, ultimatums, crying, screaming, and whatever else you’re doing reduce you to feeling utterly powerless as you go round and round in a vicious circle where he never does leave ‘her’ but he keeps screwing with your mind to keep you invested. But what gets me most is that aside from feeling deep regret about my actions with him, I look back and see not only how pathetic I was at times but also remember the pitying looks that some people use to give me. How often did I hear the words “You can do better.”; “He really isn’t worth it” and “What’s a great girl like you doing with a lying cheat?”
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Being The Other Woman - The Lessons I Learnt - Part 1
January 22, 2008 by NML · 10 Comments
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I was watching Oprah today (a luxury of being on maternity leave…) and it was a brilliant episode on the touchy subject of being the Other Woman (OW), the often exciting but even more excruciating understudy role that so many women take up. I must admit that I was surprised when Oprah revealed that she had been an OW in her twenties and that as well as being this, she then had to be the OW to another OW that he was involved with!
“It is such a powerless powerless position to be in…. And you know I don’t have a whole lot of regrets in my life but I regret it not only because of how pathetic it made me as a woman and I regret not only because I was pathetic but because of what I did to his wife.”
Regular readers of this blog will know that I was an OW for about eighteen months and it was the most soul destroying, self esteem knocking, frustrating, powerless thing I have ever done.
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Advice: How do I meet men? Meeting men when you’re conflicted and avoiding a serious relationship
January 21, 2008 by NML · 5 Comments
“Lately I’ve been having some doubts about where to meet men because I’m tired of clubs. All the guys there just want a “one night stand”, and most of the time they’re kind of drunk so that’s not cool … I want more maybe not a serious relationship but a guy you can date a couple times and have a good time with… I’m not really old enough to turn to a dating website and I don’t feel lonely cause I don’t have a guy right now…”
NML says: The trouble is that you’re in conflict. You say you want to meet guys that aren’t just trying to get into your knickers but you don’t want a serious relationship, and ideally you want someone you can go and have a couple of dates with. On top of this you want him to behave like a man who is having fun but not too much fun. This is why you are struggling because you want too much out of something that you profess to want little more than two dates out of.
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Advice: Help me understand how my emotionally unavailable man has been treating me
January 19, 2008 by NML · 13 Comments
On Thursday, Astelle wanted to know why her emotionally unavailable man (Mr Unavailable) kept returning her contact when he wasn’t interested. In a follow up to the advice I gave her, Astelle has some more questions
1. Is it Astelle he doesn’t want or he doesn’t want any woman?
He doesn’t want any woman. Emotionally unavailable men are caught up in themselves and trust me, even if it was Angelina Jolie, until he resolves his issues and decides to be available, he is not going to want to give himself. He likes the idea of being with you and likes you per se, but doesn’t actually like you enough to change. He is incapable of accessing his emotions and he purposefully keeps himself at a distance from everything that has the potential to tax him emotionally.
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Advice: Why did he respond if he’s not interested in me?
January 17, 2008 by NML · 12 Comments
Astelle asks: “I divorced in 2002, (married 18 years) and I’m a single Mom with teenagers. In August 2004, I dated the first guy after my divorce and it lasted until Feb 2005. He’s 50, divorced (was married 25 years) with kids that he has every other weekend. I thought we had a good relationship at first, but then I noticed he drinks too much at times, may not be over his ex wife, and had other issues like scheduling everything. Also, after his divorce (2001) he moved about 60 miles from his hometown and job, so he drives a lot every day.
Our relationship ended because he was supposed to meet my friends but then cancelled with the excuse of being busy. This hurt my feelings and I stopped calling. He didn’t call either and was waiting for me to call. I now understand the lack of contact after reading your website, however in 2005 I didn’t.
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Advice: Help! I’m a Yo Yo Girl that feels bad for ending my Boomerang Relationship
“I’ve been reading your blog and I think I was just in a yo-yo relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.We have been on and off for the past 2 1/2 years - he broke up with me twice (once because he didn’t feel like he could give me enough and the second time, he didn’t feel like we were “connecting”). He came back to me, told me he still loved me, that he “realised” things, our problems were all him, and that he didn’t want to be with anyone else.
This third time around, he didn’t come out with the L word. He had said his friend commented that “people like us tend to get married.” and said, “That doesn’t freak you out, does it?” I said of course not.
The other times we were together, we’d see each other during the week, but now, we weren’t at all. I was too scared of being thought of us “clingy,” so I wouldn’t push the issue. We saw each other on weekends, and maybe 1 weekday, when he brought it up. He lives 2 minutes from me, yet he would never pick me up when we would go to hang out with friends (ie: the bar, parties). I eventually asked him about it, and he said it was a “hassle” to park the car, get out to come to my door, get back in the car, etc. The week after that conversation, he started suggesting picking me up, so I had thought he realized how callous that sounded.
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Advice: Do men like it when women make the first move? And how much interest should I show?
January 14, 2008 by NML · 25 Comments
Canada asks “Why is it that some men really like it when a girl shows interest in him, and others although flattered by it, seem to hold it against her?
Let me explain: I had a friend who asked a guy out by getting his number and sending him a text message inviting him for coffee. The guy was a bit shy to ask her out himself. He felt flattered and went out with her. They are in a great, respectful relationship.
I, on the other hand, don’t usually chase after a guy or go up to a guy first, but one day I had seen this new guy I had wanted to meet and stood with some of his friends (who I also know) chatting. He wasn’t there at the time; but when he came back to where his friends where, he stood next to me and after about five minutes, introduced himself to me, and we had a really great conversation.
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