The No Contact Rule - The Get Out Plan
April 30, 2008 by NML · 18 Comments
It’s day 30 of the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, and I’ve had an amazing month and a lot of emails from readers telling me their stories and telling how much they have changed even in the past month! Of course, I didn’t squeeze in everything especially the last few guest posts so look out for these to follow over the next few days.
The last post is especially for the most hardcore of Drama Seekers, addicted to Relationship Crack, that want to break…they just can’t quite do it by cutting off contact.
The hardcore No Contact Rule is really the ideal way to extricate yourself from men that don’t want to break and just bring a whole load of drama to the table, but for some of you…breaking up is hard to do, even when you say it’s what you want to do. You know who you are - you’re the women that want to break up with him but if he says or does the right thing today, your knickers will be swinging from the light fixture tonight. Unfortunately tomorrow you’re going to feel pretty awful.
So what do you do?
Have a Get Out Plan - a carefully coordinated effort where you start to ease out of the relationship in preparation for cutting off contact.
Why am I suggesting this? Because if I don’t, some of you will still be yo-yoing in ten years time and you aren’t very good at cold turkeying. If you’ve been struggling with no contact and falling off the wagon, more often than not, you’re struggling to manage the fear, the anxiety, and the insecurity that come rushing in when it happens. The relationship crack is too intoxicating for you.
ONLY use this option if you keep applying the No Contact Rule and keep falling off the wagon with the same guy.
BUT, don’t beat yourself up if you have fallen off the wagon a couple of times because sometimes this needs to happen in order to have a proverbial straw to break the camels back.
BUT, some of you need a halfway house…a Get Out plan…
I would love for everyone who needs to apply the NCR to be able to stick to it but quite frankly, some of you just won’t make it if there isn’t a halfway house that allows you to extricate yourself out of the drama filled haze slowly but very surely.
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Coping with break up drama in the workplace
April 29, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
It’s surprising the number of women who have been involved in drama filled relationships with men that they work with and I’ve had several requests asking for advice on how to reduce the drama.
It is so difficult to suffer a break up but it’s made all the worse when you have to say their face day in day out. You have to put on a braver face for a larger portion of time than you would if you didn’t work together.
As usual, I have been there, done that, worn the t-shirt, as the guy with a girlfriend was someone I worked with, so I have first hand experience of having to fend off an assclown that worked within spitting distance of me.
For a start, you need to decide whether you love the job so much that you’re prepared to see his face every day even though you’re no longer together. Or you may be in a situation where you can’t leave the job. Whatever you do, you need to ensure that you are staying in your job for the right reasons…
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Red Flag Relationships and Behaviour for Drama Seekers!
April 28, 2008 by NML · 4 Comments
I’ve written about red flags before, but I wanted to cover the subject especially in the context of drama seeking and helping you recognise inappropriate, abort mission, sprint in the opposite direction, take off the Rose Tinted Glasses and the Bruised Ego Fur coat.
A red flag is a signal in the other parties behaviour or about the relationship which flags a serious problem in the relationship, whether that is straight away or further down the line.
It is likely that a red flag will deal a fatal blow to your relationship - It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but soon, although many women continue with the relationship regardless, because they have travelled too far down the road and are heavily emotionally invested, or just plain scared of walking away. Or the sex is too good…
So actually, they deal a fatal blow to the relationship…you may just choose to ignore it.
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The Drama Reduction 12 Step Programme
April 26, 2008 by NML · 6 Comments
I have decided to take a typical 12 step AA programme and create a drama reduction one.
1. We admit that we are Drama Seekers and addicted to relationship crack. Our relationships and sense of self have become unmanageable.
2. We are in charge of ourselves and our relationships. Drama can be as big or as little as we want it to be. The choice to engage is our choice alone.
3. We have come to believe that there is a greater power than drama or an assclown - that is ourselves. We will restore ourselves to sanity and take charge of our experiences.
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Guest post: But, is he happy?
April 25, 2008 by Brad K · Leave a Comment
Brad K explains how in essence, drama reduces communication in a relationship and essentially, are you both happy and are you good for each other?
Is he as happy as he was when you met? Is he as content, as secure emotionally? Are you?
The people around us should improve, if we are good for them. We should be enabling them to grow, to be secure and happy, to be of service to themselves and others.
When the drama builds, when the relationship doesn’t seem to be going anywhere ask “Am I getting more secure, more content, more sure of myself?” If the answer is “Yes!” then give the guy a hug, and skip this message.
So I assume there is a problem. Ideally, each day, each encounter with a significant other, should add another layer of trust, respect, of contentment. I won’t say much about ‘in a rut’ or ‘we aren’t growing’, since so many cosmetic companies, magazines, books, and professionals make a living shamelessly convincing ordinary, happy people that their lives are incomplete without *their* wonder product or advice. So being unhappy about being *just* content is a valid complaint, sometimes, but more often a problem is invented to sell a product. It gets difficult to separate the problems from the marketing debris.
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Guest post: Don’t engage the Drama Demon
April 24, 2008 by Lisa Q · 10 Comments
Lisa Q writes…
Just yesterday my good friend decided that the drama that was her relationship had to end. Drama dude not only lived with her without paying rent, he also stole money from her 7-year-old son. He wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked him in the face and has been cheating via phone sex with a girl he met online in another state. She called me in the morning to tell me it was time. I went to help pack his crap and to provide moral support
Now, I have to give the girl credit. She had her stuff lined out. She had a friend coming over with new locks and another friend’s hubby coming to install them. But here was the drama kids. Drama dude was asleep upstairs while we were packing him up and changing locks! Can you say awkward and weird?
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Guest post: You gotta have friends and you gotta have respect
April 23, 2008 by Brad K · 20 Comments
Today on day 24 of the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, Brad K offers up an empowering and highly insightful perspective of having friends and now allowing disrespect…..
When you find yourself in the midst of disaster, when you are hurt by those you trusted, do you keep the drama in, and avoid letting anyone see your plight? Or do you have friends, a trusted companion outside the betrayals in your life? Then as the drama unfolds for the world to see, maybe someone will cry “Uncle!” for you, and bring help.
When you met him, you didn’t understand about respect.
You didn’t notice whether he was wooing you with pretty words and attention that meant respect or a mere recipe to get to into your knickers. And you may not have appreciated what you might not have learned – that disrespect always gets worse, until someone gets hurt.
Even now, you might not recognize that one of the underlying disconnects that isolates you from love and affection is living with someone that doesn’t respect you (or probably themselves or others). Call him emotionally unavailable – he certainly doesn’t care about what you have to offer; only what he can take.
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Your Gut - That Inner Voice
April 22, 2008 by NML · 9 Comments
Drama had a friend in my ‘bad voice’ - a bit like Good Cop/Bad Cop, with Good Cop being my ‘gut’. Drama has a friend too in your own Bad Cop or the Voice of Unreason..
But the more you start to feel good, the less room ‘the bad voice’ or The Voice of Unreason has to enter into your life and when it does, the gut with ‘The Voice of Reason’ kicks in.
The Voice of Unreason is powered by insecurity.
The Voice of Reason is powered by higher self-esteem, intuition, self-awareness, and the ability to judge a situation without lust, libido, or insecurity getting in the way.
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Knowing When To Stand Your Ground
April 21, 2008 by Hot Alpha Female · 15 Comments
Today on day 22 of the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, Hot Alpha Female wonders what your tipping point for drama is…
So in the short time that I have been giving advice through my blog I have had a lot of people ask me question specifically to do with their situation.
Usually it goes something along the lines of it.
There is this guy .. and he has cheated on me .. doesn’t respect me … is emotionally unavailable … is a womanizer … is an alcoholic … is mentally sick …
What should I do .. because I love him.
Usually I spend the next 4-5 emails trying to get these girls in line and doing my best for them to get some perspective.
So now I’m going to ask you guys a question: How badly do you need to be treated?? .. to finally wake up to the fact that you need to walk away? Or you need to set some ground rules? Or that you can find something better?
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Minimise your assumptions to reduce your Drama Seeking
April 20, 2008 by NML · 2 Comments
The more women I speak with and the more comments I read, is the more I discover that many of our fears and our reactions to them are based on assumptions and a total lack of reasonable questioning. On the surface though, many women assume that they are communicating but in actual fact they suffer with Women Who Talk Too Much Syndrome, talking for the sake of talking but never actually deriving any action from it.
Assuming is for people that don’t want to risk knowing the truth and possibly having to adjust their own behaviour or even discover that they are wide of the mark.
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