Relationship Advice: Help! He’s left his wife but I’m still the Other Woman!
June 30, 2008 by NML · 13 Comments
Rachel asks “Two years ago I started having an affair with a married man. I never thought that I would spend two years with this MM but I fell in love and I listened to the promises he made when we first met and all of the ‘if only’s’. He was the one that pursued me.
I have told him time and again that if he has no intentions of leaving his wife then to leave me alone, but he wouldn’t let our relationship drop, and so I believed he would leave her.
Actually he did leave her about five months ago and he gave me some lame story about how we need to wait a bit because he doesn’t want to give her reason to come after even more of his money and like a fool I believed him. But something didn’t ring true and he wasn’t spending any more time with me, in fact it was less.
And then I discovered that he has a new girlfriend! I am absolutely devastated! He’s not hiding her away and they seem quite serious! But he’s been sleeping with me periodically so I’m still the Other Woman, only this time, it’s not even to his wife!
What should I do? I have invested too much of my time to just walk away but it seems like he only wants me on the side and I want more than that! Why has he chosen her and not me?”
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Relationship Advice: I cut contact, then I slept with him, and now HE’S cut contact with me!
June 26, 2008 by NML · 40 Comments
Ami asks: “NML, I was doing so well! I cut contact with my Mr Unavailable after he had been messing me around for THREE years. I had tried many a time to walk away and he just wouldn’t accept it. I got tired of explaining and discussing, so I cut contact with him and 7 weeks went by, and I bumped into him at a club we both used to go to.
I was pretty hammered and OK a bit horny and when he started saying all of the ‘right’ things about how much he’d missed me and that we are soulmates, I found myself melting and we went back to my place and had sex. It wasn’t amazing admittedly, in fact, I would even say it was disappointing.
Anyway, I am FURIOUS because he crept out in the night and I haven’t heard from him since. He is ignoring my messages and just seems to have disappeared. Now HE’S cut contact with ME and it’s not supposed to be like this! I just want to know what the hell he thinks he’s playing at? What’s happened to the “I love you” and “You know we’re gonna end up together”? You know what, I don’t even think I love him but I am burning from his rejection! What should I do?”
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Relationship Advice: I cut contact with him but I don’t want him to be angry or hate me.
June 25, 2008 by NML · 10 Comments
Mary asks “I have to tell you I am seriously having some trouble here. I had no contact for 6 weeks. I changed my phone number, email address, and emailed him six weeks ago to tell him he could no longer come by my house. I was doing sooooo well. I felt so free and happy.
Well the next thing I know, the other day he created a facebook profile and emailed me. He said “still not talking to me? lots to discuss.” I did not respond. Then five hours later he sends me this message, “Lost your email address when they replaced my computer, and I will never ever contact you again. A friend of mine got a position and is looking for help, based on our last conversation, thought you would be interested. Obviously I was wrong.”
I don’t understand why he got so snippy or angry. I mean although I knew I was not going to respond he did not even give me 24 hours before spouting off this last email. I don’t want him to be angry at me or hate me. I feel so guilty. Can I email him and then block him (then he can’t respond) or will that let him think he has a door open (even if i block him after)?”
NML says: I love how these assclowns turn their crap around!
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Relationship advice: I feel guilty about the No Contact Rule. Is it morally wrong to disregard someone without explaination?
June 24, 2008 by NML · 29 Comments
Phoebe asks: “I cut contact with my EUM (Mr Unavailable) six weeks ago. He continues to call and I continue to sit on my hands until the phone has finished ringing. I’m very proud of the progress I have made. The problem is I continually vacillate between feeling a sense of personal power and feeling guilt over cutting contact with him without telling him why. If someone did this to me, I would be devastated. The no Contact Rule is easily the most selfish act I have performed in over a decade.
I understand that it is not necessary for me to speak with him in order to move on. But can you please explain to me, why it is not morally wrong to discard another person without explanation?”
NML says: I’m not keen on Dear John letters, or breaking up with people by text or email, or just disappearing into the night. If you’ve been in a relationship with someone, it’s a disrespect of the person. However…and there is a big however, no matter what you think you had or have with your Mr Unavailable, a ‘relationship’ full of respect is not one of them.
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Guest Post: Are you overthinking it?
June 23, 2008 by Lisa Q · 11 Comments
Lisa Q writes…
Recently, one of my best friends ended her relationship with a classic EUM (Mr Unavailable). In the time that’s passed since then, she has started to make some connections about the kind of men she has attracted in the past and found that common EUM thread. She also believes them all to be narcissists.
Whether they truly were or not I’m not sure, but at the least, they all shared narcissistic tendencies. Thus, she has begun to examine what it is about her own beliefs about herself that has caused her to attract these men. And that’s all well and good, but when do you get to the point where you are overanalyzing and overthinking it?
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Guest Post: You can be a ‘Nice Guy’ but I need you to keep your balls and be a ‘man’
June 18, 2008 by Hot Alpha Female · 33 Comments
Hot Alpha Female writes…
Recently I had to travel to the US, and one particular issue kept coming up.
My travelling buddy, while really sweet and easy going, was slowly driving me insane. I thought I was going to pull my own hair out and wanted to give him a happy pill or something, just so he would be able to talk faster instead of taking 5 minutes to think of a response to anything I said! My main frustration was that this guy could not make a decision for the life of him!! He was travelling with me because he is meant to be that little bit more savvy, but honestly it would have been better travelling with a stuffed toy!
So here is the thing: This guy could not make a decision, said YES to everything that I asked him, and seemed to have no sense of opinion himself, and on top of that was a complete and utter people pleaser! I don’t know about you guys, but isn’t this something that you would find just irritating? Mind you, some of you may be thinking that it would be great to have such an easy going traveling buddy…
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Relationship Advice: How do I forgive my narcissist ex and my friend for flirting and the private dance?
June 17, 2008 by NML · 18 Comments
Angela asks “About a year ago, I went with my emotionally unavailable, narcissist ex, whom I was so deeply in love with, to see my “best friend” of about 6 years. She was graduating with her degree and exhibiting her work, so I went to see her, asking him to come along for the trip. After the show, we went to her bar where she worked, and on the car ride there, he began asking her for directions. Being already drunk, my friend began acting and saying obnoxious things, to which he began yelling, calling her names, and to which she yelled back. It became obvious there was some sexual, flirtatious tension in it all, which I definitely noticed.
When we arrived at her bar, she began dancing on the bar, drinking more, etc. He would not come inside, sending his friend to tell me he was sorry, etc.
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Mr Big and Carrie: The most famous Mr Unavailable and Fallback Girl of all time?
June 16, 2008 by NML · 29 Comments
If you plan to watch Sex and The City: The Movie, I suggest you don’t read this post because the ending is discussed!
A couple of weeks ago, I went to finally see the movie version of what I regard as one of my favourite programmes of all time. I’m not a woman who believed that I was one of the characters but I did identify with aspects of each of these women. When Carrie got her great big fairy tale ending at the registry office with Big at the end though, there is no other way to describe this, but I was fuming and extremely disappointed!
Now I’m not the responsibility police and these women are hardly role models, however the Sex and The City movie would have been a far more empowering story for women if Carrie had told that emotionally unavailable, flip flapping, good for nothing, Mr Big to go take a run and jump. In fact, I would have applauded if she had gone to the apartment, hurled herself into his arms, shagged him, and then bade him goodbye and walked out of the penthouse with her head held high, leaving him dazed and confused!
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Relationship advice: Why is she the girlfriend and I’m the Fallback Girl/Other Woman?
June 13, 2008 by NML · 11 Comments
Cheryl has been in touch with me on and off since last year. Here’s the situation:
Cheryl has a male friend, let’s call him Bob. Bob and Cheryl have been ‘friends’ for several years. She has supported him emotionally through his various trials and tribulations and was in love with him the whole time, but knew that he didn’t want a relationship. Naturally, being a Mr Unavailable, Bob not only had an ego massage on tap, but they also started sleeping together.
Cheryl assumed that by sticking at his side and showing her support, that she would be first in line when his various problems were sorted and he was ready for a relationship. In true Mr Unavailable style though, he announced that he had a girlfriend towards the end of last year…
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Relationship Advice: He’s abusive and possibly a narcissist but I love him. Will he change?
June 12, 2008 by NML · 7 Comments
Steph recently contacted me with regards to her ex boyfriend. They broke up more than six months ago but she can’t get over it. Like the typical Mr Unavailable, there was an amazing first month and then he seemed to transform into a bit of a nightmare.
He could be verbally abusive, flying into rages, lying, suddenly only having time for partying with his friends, abusing alcohol and drugs, and even occasional physical attacks on his friends (yeah I know, this guy is a real catch!). He even claims that he owns the town and can make her life hell, which may go beyond the usual ‘narcissistic tendencies’ I associate with typical Mr Unavallable’s.
Steph blames herself for the end of their relationship and rationalises his behaviour with the belief that “nobody is perfect”.
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