Guest Post: Emotionally Unavailable Men - Understanding the girl after you
August 29, 2008 by NML · 21 Comments
Annie from The Adventures of Genuine Annie shares some great insights into the disconnected world of Mr Unavailable, the relationships he has after you break up, and what they mean about him. It’s a great reminder that we shouldn’t romantisize or envy the relationships we think he has with others.
Meet Alan, sex addict, woman hater.
Married for 20 years, cheated. Girlfriend for 6 years. Cheated.
Stopped snorting coke and drinking. Met a woman who doesn’t do drugs or drink. Continued his obsessive behavior, but this time by being a workaholic.
Married again now for 2 years – doesn’t cheat (so far), but talks about going to whores. His wife knows NOTHING of his past, what he is really like, what his sexual preferences are, nothing. She doesn’t ask questions and he doesn’t tell her.
Read more
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Reader Question: What does an emotionally unavailable man do when a relationship ends?
August 27, 2008 by NML · 22 Comments
A Chicago reader asks: “I am wondering how the emotionally unavailable man is after a relationship, how he talks to himself, or if he’s happy, etc. Not for HIM, but just to make myself feel better.”
Interesting question. I’d ask why do you care but we all do what we need to do in order to get by. If you want me to tell you that he’s sitting at home pining for you, wondering what you’re doing, analysing your relationship history, blaming himself, checking his phone messages, or obsessing about you, you’re about to be sorely disappointed. To assume that he is losing his mind over the ‘loss’ of you is to assume that you’re with a normal, connected man.
For a start, Mr Unavailable doesn’t like endings and in actual fact, depending on how your relationship history has played out, is likely to disrespect the ‘ending’ or any boundaries that you have put forth. Read more
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Guest post: Striking the balance between being the ‘pursuer’ and the ‘pursued’
August 21, 2008 by NML · 18 Comments
In today’s guest post from long time reader, Sweet KeiKei, she explains why being in either of the extreme roles of being the pursuer or the pursued is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and how she is redressing the balance for a happier self.
In my opinion, there are three types of people when it comes to dating:
There’s the pursuer who is the one who makes most of the phone calls, initiates most of the dates, and really opens him or herself up to the other person. This person thinks they are in control but they really are not.
Then there’s the pursued who is the one who gets to say yes or no to the dates, he or she may not call as much as the other person, answer phone calls, or they are probably constantly busy and seem to have more of a life than the pursuer. This is the person who actually calls the shots.
And, in healthy relationships, you have one or two that are neither in pursuit or being pursued. They are simply going along for the ride to see where the relationship goes. They are confident in themselves, show genuine interest in the other person and they do not allow the relationship to interfere with their lives in any way. Also, they do not overextend themselves and they don’t allow the situation to take them on a roller coaster ride of emotions. They operate on what feels right and, most importantly, they don’t need to have every single thing explained or feel the need to talk things out constantly. That’s a sign of weakness. The other person looks at you like damn, can’t you tell that I don’t like you?
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Relationship Advice: Help me get away from my drunken, cheating boyfriend
August 19, 2008 by NML · 9 Comments
Denise asks: I need some advice. I’m so fed up. I’ve been with my partner for almost 7 years. He puts me down all the time, has come on to my so called mate, fingering her in the back of a taxi ( the driver told me) and I got rid of him but he came back, and like a fool I took him back, but he never admits anything.
Things I have told him in private, he tells my mates and shows me up in front of them. He drinks a lot in the pub all the time from work, drinks 2 bottles of wine every night, and hardly ever takes me out any more.
He keeps saying he loves me but I say “You don’t. You would not treat me like this if you did. This is not love”. Oh and he told me he loved within the first week of us meeting… He flirts with every girl he sees, even my sons girlfriends and they fall for it & flirt back behind my sons back & flirt back. What I really don’t understand is why people/friends don’t stand by me? It’s like they all fall for him and hurt me. I feel I am on my own and feel like doing away with myself. I told him to go loads of times please help so un happy.
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Positive Woman, Positive Relationship
August 18, 2008 by NML · 16 Comments
One of the misconceptions that many women have is this notion that the fact that they are with an ‘unsuitable’ guy for a relationship is circumstantial; they’re ‘victims’ of circumstance, bad luck, and it’s purely a matter of having the opportunity to demonstrate that they are a great woman with all of the right qualities and the perfect love for him.
It’s as if being in relationships where it’s a constant uphill struggle and practically needing to do the verbal equivalent of clubbing him over the head repeatedly to get him to be what you feel is the potential for the relationship…is totally normal.
In reality, whilst we all have our ups and downs, positive women with a healthy self-esteem and attitude towards relationships, don’t aspire to be with negative men, that create negative relationships, that ultimately lead to them feeling negative about themselves and love and relationships.
Positive Woman, Positive Relationship.
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Relationship advice: She won’t take a hint and am I an assclown?
August 13, 2008 by NML · 31 Comments
Phil asks: I suspect that I am probably one of your Mr Unavailable’s and you’d probably even call me an ‘assclown’ but I thought I would email you because whilst I understand why you say the things that you do about men like me, I still think that women get an easy ride.
Take my ex for instance - well I call her my ex but she thinks we’re still together. NML, I have TOLD her that this isn’t going to happen. I have said I don’t want a relationship. I have said that we will never go beyond something very casual and that I don’t want to mislead her. She won’t leave me alone! She’s always there, she’s calling me, emailing me, texting me, whatever and I admit that because I have told her what the score is, I have been sleeping with her. Does that make me an assclown?
In my defence, she just won’t stop pushing herself on me and whilst I recognise that I could just say no, it’s almost not worth the earache.
I’m 34, separated for the past year, and to be honest, I am barely out of my marriage and I don’t see myself wanting to be tied down with someone for a while.
So tell me, what should I do because I have told her, I have hinted, and I know that I haven’t treated her very well, and she’s still there? Also, does this make me an ‘assclown’?
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Why can’t men and women break up?
August 12, 2008 by NML · 11 Comments
I admit; breaking up sucks and it’s a royal pain in the arse. Suddenly hopes and dreams that were pinned on the relationship have to get squashed and there is a whole load of white space where, in your mind, and sometimes in both, there were plans.
But breaking up is one of those sh*tty, horrible things that almost all of us have to go through unless we stick with the very first person that we get with.
Whilst they can be unpleasant, break ups do have to happen and yet, I’m starting to think that the modern world is full of people that don’t like to have an ending, so they just don’t.
Men that like to keep things ambiguous, just in case they decide that they might want her to break him off a piece of sex. Men also hate looking like bastards by uttering the words so instead they act like bastards so that women get the message.
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Dating with fear and obsessing about your ex and no contact
August 11, 2008 by NML · 24 Comments
The more and more emails and comments that I read about how women deal with emotional unavailability and the aftermath, is the more concerned I become about whether recovering Fallback Girls recognise some dangerous things that they may be doing to potentially draw them back into the cycle.
Dating and being cautious. Going on dates, being suspicious, being scared, worried that he’s going to turn out like all of the others, downplaying him like you’re settling for fear of ending up with another assclown.
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Relationship Advice: I want to confront the Other Woman and thump her! How do I deal with my anger?
August 8, 2008 by NML · 14 Comments
Kim asks: I recently found out that my boyfriend has been screwing some girl from his work for more than a year behind my back. I found out when she turned up at my place telling me that he wants to leave but he doesn’t know how. I was speechless at first and then I found myself literally physically throwing her out of my apartment. I think she was going to fight me, but I slammed the door behind me too quickly for her. Anyway, I confronted him and he actually lied initially (he said she was obsessive with a crush) and then admitted it when I threatened to break everything in his house.
So it’s over now because I can’t live with a cheat. The thing is, I am still mad at this girl and it has been all I can do to stop myself from going to her work and thumping the living daylights out of her. She has taken my man! I’m sure that she pulled some moves on him, strutting around with her perky t*ts and short skirts and whilst I know he’s his own man, men aren’t clever enough to avoid the charms of women like her that want to steal away other women’s men. My mother always told me that a guy is only as faithful as whatever options he has and that they don’t have it in them to resist temptation. I do think about taking him back sometimes (he keeps calling me) but I actually think about her more. I came across your blog when I read about the Other Woman and I know that you have some strong opinions about the sisterhood and confrontation but can you understand why I am so angry at her? How do I deal with this?
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Relationship Advice: My boyfriend says that I’m ‘Needy’ because I want more. Am I?
August 7, 2008 by NML · 28 Comments
Lisa asks: NML, I must admit that I have become paranoid recently because my boyfriend keeps calling me needy and I hate it! This started about a month ago when I said that I wanted something a bit more consistent and that I wanted to be sure that we were going somewhere. I couldn’t bloody believe it when he said “Why can’t you go with the flow Lisa? Why do you have to start pressurising me?” I must admit to being taken aback and I apologised to him for making him feel uncomfortable but I also told him that I felt that he was being harsh. He sneered at me and said “Oh Lisa…so needy”.
Since then, things have been distinctly cool between the two of us and I’m afraid to say anything because each time I so much as look like I’m having so much as a negative thought he says “I hope you’re not going to spoil the evening by getting all needy on me…” Bastard! I don’t know what to do because to be honest, he has really p*ssed me off but I keep wondering if I caused this but not letting things ‘be’. Do you think I am being needy? It’s not like we’re a new relationship - we’ve been seeing each other for more than two years!
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