7 Arguments That You’ll Have But Are Best to Avoid

May 28, 2007 by NML

Exes
They’re called an ex because they’re in The Past and every damn time either of you bring them up puts them in your present. In order for relationships to prosper, both parties need to be over their ex partners with closure, and you also both need to get over each other’s exes. It’s a redundant argument this one that cannot go anywhere and will put serious dents in your relationship. Don’t compare yourself to each other’s exes, don’t bitch about them, don’t bloody well discuss them. And don’t EVER judge each other’s pasts.

You’ve got your period/PMS haven’t you?
Now that I’m pregnant and I don’t have monthly tete a tetes, I have been forced to acknowledge that hormones and horrid periods do increase the likelihood of arguments. The tension starts when you won’t acknowledge that having your period or PMS is impacting on your mood/or ability to be rational in the disagreement. Insisting that it’s not PMS and trying to rationalise your way out of it will just aggravate the situation more. Sometimes it’s easier to say yes so you can move on to soothing yourself with a hot water bottle, chocolate or cuddles! Likewise, if he knows that it’s likely that it’s PMS, instead of being sanctimonious and provoking by bringing it up and inflaming the situation, he could just step back and let the tension pass.

Family
You can’t choose where you come from and neither can he. Having slanging matches about each other’s families is a surefire recipe for disaster, especially if either one of you are especially close to your own families. If you’re serious about each other, you need to find a middle ground and a healthy respect for each other’s families. He might be a mummy’s boy (I feel sorry for you if he is) but kicking up murder about it is likely to drive a wedge between you and give his mother something to crow about. You don’t need to love each other’s families, but civility and avoiding putting the boot in, will go a long way.

Shopping
Unless one of you is the sole breadwinner, arguing over that pair of shoes that you brought on sale (or maybe you’ve pretended they’re on sale) will turn petty. If you have financial responsibilities together, then obviously ensure that you don’t both end up on the breadline over frivolous purchases, but you do have a right to retain a level of independence over your earnings and what you do with them.

Friends
A golden rule of friendships and relationships – Much as it may feel like a bonding experience to rat out your friends personal stuff to your partner, don’t do it. When he’s calling your friend a tart and suggesting that you shouldn’t go out with her because he thinks that she’s a bad influence, you’ll regret opening your mouth. Likewise, when he tells you about what the boys get up to, he’s not going to appreciate when you start being paranoid or throw it back in his face with accusations. Relationships are about being partners but also being able to be individuals with a level of independence. When you start dictating who you can both be friends with, it can only go downhill. Like family, try to grin and bear it as trying to break up a friendship may break you up first!

Money, money, money
You need to find a way to handle finances because if you don’t, it will become the rather large paper wedge between you and you’ll both become wary of initiating discussions about it. One of you may be really organised with money and the other more lackadaisical and you both need to find a compromise…or agree a standing order each month that saves the discussions. You can also do a savings account for non bill type stuff like holidays, or home furnishing. Find what works for you both rather than arguing about each time and never finding a happy medium.

Housework and Cooking
It’s boring to argue about who took out the bin last, why he keeps leaving his socks and wet towels lying around the bedroom, and whose turn it is to cook dinner. If you didn’t discuss your expectations about living together and who would do what, discuss it now so that you can draw a line under this conversation. If you don’t do this, one or both of you will appear to be nags, or one will feel hard done by, or one will feel like the other is a lazy good for nothing so-and-so. Agree on what each is prepared to do and find a compromise. Or if you can afford a cleaner…hire one. If he’s the most resistant to doing anything, he could even pay for it too…. As for cooking, it’s one thing when you’re arguing about who should cook next, but if one of you is criticising the other one’s handy work, the complainer needs to put the apron on and help.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.