It’s that time of year again. I thought I’d do something a little different… a journey through my ‘old mind’….
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If I can’t love me, then how can I love you?
How do I know that it’s real? How do you know?
Am I really loving you or is it me I’m trying to ‘get loved’?
Is it you that I love or is it the me I think I could be with your love in the future I’ve forecast?
Am I ‘meditating’ on you as a distraction from my self-hate and disillusionment?
Are you my latest project to consume myself with to avoid living my own life?
Are you the the career that the workaholic absorbs themselves in both as self-avoidance and as their source of self-worth?
Do I love you or do I love you because I want you to love me back?
Is it desperation?
Do I love you because you gave me attention so I feel like I owe you?
Am I trying to create a tipping point of reciprocation?
Do I like you or do I like how you pump me up and hide what I think are my flaws?
Maybe I’m pumping you up and declaring love because I want you to do the same for me. Why do I feel like I’m deflating while you take on epic proportions in my life and psyche?
Are you my daddy in romantic packaging? Do I want you to love me like we’re in this relationship together or do I want you to love me in the way that the child I used to be so desperately craved?
Are you my mother? Do I love you because I love you and you me, or do I need you to give me approval? Is love having to do everything ‘right’ and never displeasing? If it is, I hope you know how much I love you by the amount of doormat bristles in my back?
Do I love you or do I worship you, and if I worship you, why are you so special? Why don’t I feel special too? Why does it feel like how loved and ‘amazing’ I declare you to be is directly proportional to my loss of self?
If you don’t love me, does it mean that I’m not loved? A tree that falls without anyone to hear it still makes a sound and an impact doesn’t it?
Why does your love matter so much? Surely all of my hopes and expectations for a relationship and my life weren’t all resting on you?
Why does love itself have to end because you don’t want me or because you’re not around anymore?
Why have I got to start over from scratch as if I had and was nothing before you?
How could it be love if your so-called ‘rejection’ or absence means that I’ve got nothing left of me?
Don’t I matter anyway? Why is everything resting on you?
Why do dates not working out mean that I’m a failure? What am I failure at? Successfully not continuing in something that wasn’t working for me even though it hurt to leave? Successfully dodging a bullet further down the line by accepting the feedback of the person unfolding?
Doesn’t love mean being human? How can I love me or expect to love or be loved, if making mistakes or things not working out means I’ve failed as a human being and am ‘marked down’?
Isn’t love more than a feeling? Isn’t it an action? Why has every unhealthy relationship been about how I feel and about how I want them to feel, but it’s never been about how I or they act?
How come I haven’t always needed the loving action to match the ‘loving’ words?
Why have I cried for crumbs?
Of course I could only ever value what I was familiar with. I’ve subsisted on crumb thoughts with lashings of self-neglect. The crumbs of others no matter how small look freshly baked and bigger and better than anything I’m giving me.
Was it love if it took everything I am and had or I gave it away like it wasn’t worth a damn?
I want to mean something but don’t I need to mean something to me?
Why would I only have meaning when I’m with another? What am I without the love and approval of others? Meaningless? Worthless? Nothing?
How can I suddenly have meaning with a stranger? I didn’t know you before we met but now that we’ve met and I still don’t actually know you but I feel excited and distracted by the attention and the possibilities, I now mean something again? Am I on a ‘worth break’ between relationships and attention?
If I would feel like this and forget who I am for someone I barely know, what the hell would I do for someone I do know? What does it say about me and what I have to give, if I’ll put a closing down sign on me as soon as I see ‘possibilities’?
Am I putting my life on hold and ‘waiting this one out’ until someone deems me worthwhile enough to be in a relationship with? How can they have that power? Why don’t I have it? Isn’t it that we have to mutually choose each other for a loving relationship?
I can be in love on my own but a relationship takes two… doesn’t it?
Does my life only begin when I’m chosen or does my life kick into gear when I choose me?
It’s a question of love. Is it love if you can’t treat you with love, care, trust and respect? Does it feel and look like love, or does it feel and look like sewer love that can’t hack the daylight of reality?
I’ve been worthless (in my mind), I’ve been scared, I’ve been many things that haven’t served me but what I haven’t been while these dominated, is truly available and receptive to love and loving. I’ve known a lot of pain but I used to think it was love, but now that I know love and I don’t harm me, it’s inconceivable to think that love and my worth is the warped, dark, hurtling, harmful ‘love’ of unhealthy relationships or what we do and give when we don’t like ourselves.
Relationships are conceived before we even enter into them because they begin with the relationship that we have with ourselves. Make your relationship with you the type that you’d want to start with others.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Nat,
This was an outstanding post regarding self-reflection and learning to love oneself! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for addressing this topic. Once upon a time it would have hurt too much for me to read it. Later, I would not have been able to read it without feeling an extreme sense of discomfort. Now I can read it, absorb it, and use it to help me along in my journey towards becoming more self-aware.
Valentine’s Day was not a problem for me. I am no longer pining for an FF/EUM, which is a VERY awesome feeling!! I was greeted and greeted others with a very happy and enthusiastic, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” I overheard some of the married teachers at work lament over the fact that their husbands did not do anything for them on VD, which made me realize that being single on VD wasn’t so bad after all! After I got off work, I went to the board and care facility to vist my aunt who has Alzheimer’s (she still remembers me and loves me very much). I gave her a big box of chocolates, which she loved! I also gave the lady who has been doing such an outstanding job of caring for her ( she treats my aunt like a part of her family) a lovely bouquet of flowers. She was pleasantly surprised (her husband did not give her anything, but he is a good husband though and really loves her) and thanked me.
Tonight my church is having a VD bash for the singles called, “Love Stinks!” We are supposed to dress up in attire from the 80s; there will be games, prizes, and a nice Italian dinner will be served.
VD is not the only day to express your love for someone. Nor does that love always have to be romantic. Love comes in many forms: love of friends, family…and MOST importantly love of SELF.
Sending you all big bear hugs and wet sloppy kisses on the cheek
Every time I see “VD” in your post, I have to remind myself you mean Valentine’s Day and not “venereal disease.” haha
one of the most powerful things ive read natalie! really moved me it was like hell i get it, thats me i dont love me enough yet to even date, but im working on it!
mckenze thats lovely, it made me think we can waste so much time wanting what we dont have instead of seeing what we do and loving who we have, what we have and how we r, im going to give my nana a bouquet of flowers inspired by u
Mags. I you can, don’t describe yourself in such a way, even if you are explaining how you think he thinks of you. Keep it to yourself and don’t write it down or voice it. You’re giving those descriptions more power and I know you don’t want to do that. I bring this up because I have a habit of describing myself to others in a very negative manner. My very supportive sister always calls me on it telling me that I do it because that is how I really DEEP DOWN think of myself. I project the remaining residue of self-loathing ascribing to others that that is what they think of me. Often times it’s not true. You have been doing a helluva a lot of work on yourself and so have I. It takes so much effort to get “everything right”, and we never do or we’d be perfect. But, anyway, the next time you think anything negative about yourself, don’t give it voice. You are a marvelous woman. It is not at all surprising that the EUM sprouting into AC’s will try to take you down a peg because they resent your formidable persona. Think about others in whatever way you deem fits them. But, when you think of yourself be as pleasantly optimistic as you can be. I am working hard on this very thing, among a lot more.
Before this last ex, my therapist warned me, “addicts don’t do relationships.” I didn’t listen. She also told me, “You must love yourself before you can have a healthy relationship.” I thought, “This is crap. I hate myself and won’t be happy until I get what I want. I so long for a certain type; so therefore, this type is what will make me happy.” I went out and found that type and was miserable. There were moments of pleasure, but they were just moments in a consecutive line of fear, dissatisfaction and disappointment. It wasn’t love, it was something altogether awful.
With my message below I just want to say thank you to Nat for allowing me this place of sanctuary that I can come to for advise and support. Where my tears flow with no judgement but that I am understood.
5 months ago I was dumped for checking my boyfriend’s phone that is a long story and I have hashed it out here before.
I decided to try up it behind me, I decided last night to open up myself to a new what I thought would be a new start with this guy I had met through a mutual friend. He was funny, good looking and just so full of life.
I sent him a message telling him I liked him and that I would like us to get to know each other better.
He came back today in a gentleman way and rejected me saying he honestly didn’t feel for me and didn’t want to get involved.
I felt a pang of embarrassment and self loathing how could I expect this guy whose younger than me, white and good looking want me.
I looked in the mirror and saw this woman that seems to never get a proper relationship in her life.
I can’t explain it, I put myself out there, I try to look good, I am kind and helpful. But all I ever get from guys is that I am only good enough to be a friend.
I am struggling to understand this. I am also panicking at 37 that I have tried for years to get the attention of men and I seem so invisible.
I never get asked out, I have had guys that just treat me like the buddy girl and then come one day professing their undying love for a girl they have known 5 mins.
I feel bad about me, my father never wanted me, neither did most if the men in family. My father thought all I would ever be good for would be a whore.
I have been seperated for years, still waiting for the papers to be signed. If him falling asleep on our wedding night is any indication then the rest of our marriage was not the best.
I am hurting, I appreciate this guy who rejected me is entitled to his opinion and that I am not fit
For his tastes but I feel so low, like I am nothing, unloveable, ugly, not good enough.
I feel like hiding am I so hideous I can’t get an attractive guy to like me??
I try to be confident and positive but with no one guy liking me is hard to swallow
Naz, the answers to your questions lie within you. You don’t need a guy to validate you. Don’t cry for crumbs. Before getting involved with another guy, try to honestly answer every question Nat posed in this post. Write out your answers. I think if you think about it, you’ll find that there may be more to it than finding a guy. Do you like you?
Naz. I really would like to know if dating has changed that much in the last 40 years? I don’t understand why you would approach him especially if he has shown no interest in you at all. What were you thinking? Getting to know someone new is difficult enough without choosing someone who doesn’t know you exist, and from a different race to boot. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating racism, but what do you know about this guy. Has he shown any proclivity to liking women who are non-white? I believe you have revealed a degree of desperation to this guy and that will certainly turn a man off. It may be 2013, but as far as I know men still prefer to do the choosing. Don’t ever, ever do that again. I am sure you can find better things to do than engage in masochism. Please keep reading BR. We’ve all been through the mill with men but your putting yourself out on a limb like that with a total stranger gives me great concern. Have I read anything wrong? Is there something you have not told us?
Thank you the hard knock, I put myself out on a limb because people tell me I don’t. With this guy he was not a complete stranger we had been talking since last October and from the outrageous flirtatious messages at the offset I decided to the dumb thing and take a leap of stupid faith and tell him I liked him and wanted something more than just flirting and talk of hooking up.
I misread the situation, I thought if he was interested enough to send intimate messages he was interested enough to try getting to know each other.
I was wrong, I was okay to probably have a one night stand but it good enough to have more…
I have booked an appointment to see someone professional.
Naz,
YOU sound lovely and also very BRAVE for asking someone out, well done for that. I have never asked anyone out since I got rejected when I was a teenager. BTW I’m 39 now. I wait until a guy asks me out. I’m still working on loving me, and only recently found out what it meant how to love myself. Having new beliefs about yourself and being more loving can be really hard to learn if you have never done it before. Keep reading these blogs and discovering yourself. YOU are more important than any man who doesn’t treat you with respect and love.
Naz
I have to disagree with what tinkerbell said regarding the race issue. I do not see it as something you should require to worry about when deciding whether or not to become involved with someone. I have dated men of different races and nationalities, most people are open to that. The thing to be thinking about is “Is he good enough for me?”. And this guy isn’t, he is an airhead asshole manboy sending silly texts to women. If that is the way he interacts then frankly my dear he is a twit. If he were a woman doing
that there would be a very rude name for it.
There’s nothing wrong with asking someone out although you have to be tough enough to be able to shrug it off if they’re not into it. Personally I’ve never felt comfortable with it.
My take on this is that at the moment you are too fragile anyway. You need to feel a bit better about yourself first.
And I’m 48 btw, and I’d love to BR 37 again! I can’t be that though so am working on being happy with who I am.
Naz. My heart breaks for you. Please seek professional help. You’ve got some very serious unresolved issues from your childhood. Try not to think of your age as “old”. 37 is not time to buy a rocking chair. You absolutely must get help because going around in what appears to be serious depression is plain out unsafe. I pray for your healing. Big hugs, Tink
Naz, I feel for you too. You put yourself out there based on flirty texts, that is understandable. You did not read the situation all wrong, and what you did was ‘suck it and see’ – you found out that he was only flirting and like a lot of men, had you fallen into bed with him as a result of these flirts, would have just been another notch on his bedpost. So what you did was to present to him what you wanted, and it wasn’t what he wanted. Now you know for sure, lesson learned. Where you are in the wrong, is deciding that it’s because of some innate flaw within you that makes men only look at you as a ‘buddy’ or a ‘booty’. I have had this one too! It’s because I was raised around EUM ACs that I have been an EUM AC magnet! I didn’t know what a ‘good guy’ looked like if I tripped over him in my bathtub. I also have given too much creedence to what these bozo’s have said and their ultimate rejection. So, the two of us have work to do to learn to see these coming from a mile off and be able to say ‘thanks but no thanks’. All the info we need is in this site, I read voraciously and learning from Nat and all the women here. I am looking forward to the day when my ankle is healed enough for getting out there and practicing what I’ve learned so far, but I’m also preparing to have some slip ups. One thing that I won’t allow myself to do anymore is allow these AC’s to dictate how I feel about myself and tell me who I am. I am going to stretch myself into new arena’s to be able to have more opportunities to meet ‘good’ guys. I’m learning that I have to put more stock in myself and not so much in others. Relearning, reparenting, reassessing, reorganizing, reprioritizing. It is our life journey and I am from now on embracing it, I know you can too.
And Naz, I’m 43 and I don’t see it as a barrier except to AC EUM’s who are looking for naive 20 somethings…so really, it’s a good filter
Naz. So glad you will see a professional. Also, I think oftentimes guys will flirt, send provocative messages, (especially texts) just to get a reaction, to see how appealing they still are. It’s BS, doesn’t mean a thing to them, is forgotten by them as soon as it’s done. These are potential AC’s. Stay away. Wishing you all the best.
One question gets me… the daddy one.
I’m currently trying to make a long-distance relationship with a wonderful man work. He’s nothing like the guys I used to go for – he’s sweet, caring, honest, loving… neither of us expected to fall in love but a summer fling turned into now over 6 months of long distance. I was so happy when he was around, and it really made me feel that I’d managed to work out most of the issues with myself that had previously led to really bad relationships.
However now that he’s so far away (North America – Europe is basically a different planet if you’re both students without money for flights), I’m starting to feel differently. We’re both still studying, but his program is very rigorous and he’s really stressed. He makes as much time to talk to me as he can but sometimes a day or two will go by without us talking. Then I feel lonely and unhappy and check my messages constantly. I don’t message him as long as I can hold off because I’m scared I’ll start being “too much” and pushing him away. I don’t want to ask for too much because I know he will not be able to give me what I want – constant attention, basically – and if I ask for that, then he’ll have to leave eventually.
It made me think I should break up with him because he wasn’t giving me what I needed, but then it also made me think about what I am asking of him. I’m basically asking him to check in on me constantly. I’m asking him to give me absolute security, and nobody can do that. Worse, that security should come from me, right? It’s not really this relationship that is not giving me enough security – it’s going to be any relationship, ever, if I don’t get to the bottom of this issue for myself.
Any pointers on this? I’m mentioning the daddy question because my parents divorced when I was eight and my relationship with my dad has gone from me trying to take care of him (when I was a child!) to constant arguments and eventually to barely any contact. He never gave me security – I am sure that this has to do with what is happening now. What can I do about it?
Judy,
What are your plans with this guy? Is one going to move to the other’s home country?
You two, live on different continents, which can make things very difficult.
judy, having been in your position erm… 3 times now, i highly recommend you read ‘the dreamer and the fantasy relationship’.
i do think LDRs can work, but only if the relationship is solid and the LD is temporary. i fell for it 3 times and every time the person unfolded into something different from what i had dreamed up.
if you already have doubts now, listen to your gut. it will tell you the truth.
Judy
No, a relationship doesn’t give you security but that doesn’t mean it should give you nothing.
This isn’t going to work as you don’t see each other. Therefore it is not a relationship. You don’t know him well enough to be sure of how caring and honest he is. I see no evidence of that, if he can’t even message you. And even if he is that good, there are also men that good who live in the same country.
I am sceptical of long distance relationships and even more so if either person has a difficult relationship history.
I have had more than my fair share of long distance relationships. I found them non threatening. Nowadays, I’m in a relationship with someone who lives fifteen minutes up the road. It is unquestionably better.
We won’t go more than two days without seeing each other. That doesn’t make us needy or insecure. It’s what people do. Even people like me who used to value their independence so much and didn’t want to rely on anyone.
You are a student. It is not difficult to meet men, but deal with this first.
Response to Naz’s post:
@Tinkerbell; I read your responses to Naz and I can tell you empathize, but if Naz is indeed depressed as you suggested, it’s my experience to treat people suffering from depression far more gently/lovingly…at least as much as that is possible through writing.
Also, is it really an absolute rule to sit back and let the man choose [you]? I know from personal experience alone, in my young years, that it’s not good to be chasing down/pursuing any man who clearly doesn’t return interest, but who said a woman can’t directly or indirectly let a man know she’s interested in him (and then, only if he returns interest, then let him do the courting)??? I only ask/mention this because through BR I’ve discovered that one of my hooks is a man expressing interest in me–because I don’t know when another man “will choose me” again, I have often accepted any interested man, even if *he* wasn’t my “choice.” The healthy relationships NML urges us to seek out need to be mutual, not directed and controlled by one gender/party.
But please disregard if I misunderstood your response to Naz. As for you Naz, sweetheart…
@Naz
It sounds like you need to start exploring your subconscious beliefs about yourself (and men and relationships). But first and most importantly, explore your beliefs about *you*, because “you are your only common denominator” (NML) and I’m taking a semi-educated guess by saying that though you certainly aren’t as invisible as you may feel, you probably are emitting an aura/vibe of something negative, something dark…basically, people and more specifically men can probably sense that you have self-esteem, and it’s repelling them. Either men are repelled or, as you can probably see from other women’s stories, they are attracted to women with low SE because they/we are easy prey. Either way, having low SE itself is painful as well as the type of men or situations it unfortunately attracts.
Thankfully, Natalie has posts on rejection and low self-esteem that I highly recommend taking a peek at. I’m sure you’re a beautiful person as well as woman, just start/continue validating yourself and giving yourself copious amounts of TLC, especially during low times like this (for me it’s a really difficult task the more depressed I am, but a habit well-worth developing anyhoo).
Thx for sharing and keep BR updated!
Natalie, after deciding to do do what ever it takes to stop the cycle of failed relationships, I decided to take a step (or several) back and really think about me, there is a lot in those two letters “M” “E”. I found your site, listened to you on Chrissy B and Soundcloud. It changed everything… I placed so much imporance on him, if he likes me, blah blah and once again found myself in that space where I cannot funtion. Now… I can honestly say for the first time ever… I feel different and have turned a corner. My realisations with your help… Love myself first, do the things I love and enjoy. Who’s to say he is the right person for me, but me, I have to take my time get to know him and learn about his values and beliefs and then make a decsion. All this time I have always been of the mindset that it is all about if a man is into me. Life is to short and I have no more time to he debilitated through fear of rejection. It’s no wonder I always had trust issues, I don’t think I have ever taken the timeto get to know someone. For some reason (you) a light has gone on for me. I don’t plan on compimising who I am again, so I will (just keep swimming)
trust myself and let the rest happen. Thank you Natalie, I will be listening 
.
Me too Linda. I don’t think I ever took the time to get to know anybody, let alone myself. See you around the corner!
Wow. When I got to “Have I cried for crumbs?” I just stopped in my tracks. Yes, I have. And I’m ashamed to admit it. I’m trying to learn how NOT to do that any more but like anything else, it’s a process.
Yup Michelle, “Why have I cried for crumbs” stopped me dead in my tracks. That simple question conjured up just about everything for me from daddy issues at a tender young age to relationship issues at an more advanced age. If I would ever feel like signing up for crumbs, which I won’t, it is this post and all the answers that keep me focused. I’m still focusing on answering the questions Nat posed in this article. I don’t really like my original answers. It’s time for a change. I’m not that doormat anymore.
PS. He can take his crumbs and shove them. That should be a song, if it isn’t already.
Excellent post!
Brilliant questions to ask. They throw thought processes in new directions and shake us out of the spiral of self hate.
Personally I think that comparing ourselves to others is also a cause of much misery. Spending time with people in terrible relationships makes me think that being single and out of this is an achievement. Spending time with happy couples makes me think that I’ve failed. Both are nonsense in that there will always be people both happier and unhappier in their lives and it is only myself in the past that I need to compare myself to. I need to stop comparing at all.
Thanks again.
I wanted to leave a quote that has really made an impact on me and I believe it’s the beginning of a breakthrough for me out of unhealthy Relatinships:
“Once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us, unless they are good FOR us.”
[...] Valentine’s Day, I channeled ‘old me’ to share Reflections: Knowing Your Own Love. This time I’m exploring wanting to be [...]