Readers often stumble across Baggage Reclaim on a quest for answers and possibly while seeking the love equivalent of a ‘Get rick quick scheme’. They’re often confused, wondering what went wrong, what they ‘did’ to ‘make’ the object of their affections ‘change’ (more like unfold) and what they can do to ‘win’ this person back or change them. The overwhelming majority of readers have believed that their situation is entirely unique and may have gone through some serious torment that’s isolated them and greatly impacted their self-esteem. When they discover BR, read elsewhere, see a professional or even talk to their peers, they realise that there are stark similarities between their situation and those of others.
You’re not alone.
While you may feel somewhat disappointed that you’re not having a relationship worthy of the record books or that a study isn’t going to be conducted, the fact that while the situation may be unique to you but not unique in the wider sense, is actually empowering and burden lifting.
You have options… just in case you thought that you didn’t.
You’re not going crazy and you haven’t created some sort of catastrophic unique situation with one false move or your worth. Note, if you feel like you are going crazy or have convinced yourself that it’s all your fault, this itself is a red flag that this is a toxic situation.
You’re not alone. You’re not the only person to have felt like you were losing your mind. You’re not the only person to have tormented themselves with unnecessary guilt and blame, or to have ruminated and suffered with analysis paralysis. You’re certainly not alone in having tried to please the crap out of someone and ended up feeling as if you hit a personal low.
You’re not the first person to love, to want to be loved, and to basically be human and have made errors in judgment, simply because you’re not the first person to live and not get the things that they do with other human beings ‘right first time’.
Your situation isn’t unique because we’re all creatures of habit and while the granular detail varies, the top line data doesn’t even though you’re, for instance, two unique people. There are such stark similarities in unhealthy relationships, it’s not unusual to wonder if the ‘drivers’ in these situations all read the same playbook, or are part of The Secret Society of Future Fakers or The Alliance of Aggressors.
But they’re not – it’s just a sign that the same types of situations bring out similar responses and also that the same habits of thinking and behaviour contribute to the participation in or even the creation of similar situations.
If you tend to avoid reality, you’ll end up in bullshit relationships and situations making assumptions.
If you avoid commitment, intimacy, your feelings etc, then yeah, you’ll find yourself in situations that make this easy for you.
If when faced with a problem you tend to avoid it, possibly by seeking an external solution as an ‘upper’, or something to numb you, or just to give you the best of both worlds where you avoid responsibility, likelihood is that you’ll have an affair or do something to excess like be a workaholic, or drink, drugs, sex, forms of unhealthy attention etc.
These are not unique situations. I’m quite sure that the person is special to you, but they’re just not that special that acceptance of disrespect along with an absence of care, trust and love is acceptable.
Your situation isn’t so unique that it requires you to make an exception to having your self-esteem in tow.
They’re just not that special that they’re the only person that you can have a relationship with or that can love you. Granted there may be unusual circumstances (although you’d be surprised how ‘un-unusual’ they may be) but the situation isn’t unique and actually, if you have your relationships and situations on repeat, it’s indicative of a pattern.
We are all unique; there will never be another you but there will be more of these situations in general and you’ll have personal experience of it if you stick with this current ‘situation’ or you don’t learn from the insights it can provide.
We like to think that our situations are unique because we want to be the exception, but when we convince ourselves that we are the exception to the rule, we essentially sign ourselves out of the class of life because we block out the truth and this prevents us from learning.
If you don’t think that your situation is comparable and you believe that you’re a ‘special case’, you’re not going to truly process feedback from the situation or even heed advice or general information pertaining to values or healthiness. You’re not going to ask for help. You’ll think it needs an entirely new solution cooked up by you because it’s unique.
It doesn’t. It’s not ‘unique’. You’re not alone so look around and learn.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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I´m extremely thankful for having found BR, and after the initial shock of recognising myself in the situations described by Nat, I am quite enjoying myself doing the complete opposite of what I would´ve done as a FBgirl.
I´ve even dreamed about encounters with ACs, in which I ask myself – while dreaming – what a BR woman would do in that scenario, and then doing it. So I suppose common sense is finally sinking in.
I feel so much better about myself now! I don´t think I´ve ever had much self awareness, I was just so busy trying to be liked by people I didn´t even like myself. When I was in my teens there were always girls I admired because they seemed to be so together and centered. I wondered what it was that made them different, now I think I know. They cared about themselves, not to make others happy but because they wanted to feel good.
I´ve also discovered I grew up with a narc father and I´m understanding the ways in which that affected me in other areas of my life. Living with someone like that makes you feel like you have a mirror hanging before your face, so it isn´t you they see, but always a reflection of themselves. And when they don´t like the image they see, it´s the mirror´s fault. Finally, at 41, I´ve learned how to let go of my father´s expectations and general bs. I´m discovering I just don´t like him and don´t feel guilty about that anymore.
I just can´t believe how much energy I´ve lost in dysfunctional relationships. It´s all so clear once you see it spelled out by Nat and all the generous and honest BR ladies.
Oh and I don´t know if this has been brought up before, but I just saw Skyfall and man, what a clear example of the EUM – FBgirl dynamics it shows! I just wanted to send the girl who worked with 007 to an intensive BR training.
Which goes to show, again, how common this all is.
Yes, in words of Griz, this is the holy grail of relationship sites. I never forget what it has done for me when I struggled with major assclownery and I keep coming back although it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I do read but often feel overwhelmed and tired (single mom, work full time, you get the picture) but I’m happy to report no assclown drama to speak of lately and I plan to keep it that way. I’m at a point now where I feel kind of at a cross roads in my life — do I TRY something unique and unusual to meet that special someone or do I continue to live my peaceful life with my little daughter? Do I care enough to try again because we know at 45, well, the odds aren’t great. Although I am a “work in progress,” I have done a lot of work on myself. I have been single for a number of years now and I feel I am ready to try a REAL relationship again. However, like many who have written here, I don’t have trouble spotting assclowns or their red flags. My problem is this: I have trouble MEETING men in general to give them a look and observe. Like I said, I’m 45. I’ve done okay in my past. I’m not bad looking. I take care of myself and my body. It’s not perfect but it isn’t BAD. I’ve been told by male friends that I am beautiful, lovely, even a hottie. And okay, I do my best not to do the frump. But I do wonder if it’s possible to even get a glance by someone who is actually NICE. It doesn’t seem to happen. And it isn’t like I don’t get out. Oh I get out — I have many friends and we do fun things. I do meetup stuff and I go out dancing, etc but I never meet anyone. I’ve tried the online thing but I had bad experiences (assclowns, married men coming on to me, young guys in early 20s wanting a cougar, VERY OLD guys who reminded me of my dad) I began to see that even though my profile was innocent enough (no low cut shirt shots or anything like that) I was being called on for possible “hook up” even though I wasn’t purposfully giving that message.
And guys my age were either incompatible (they didn’t want to date woman with child, he smoked or lived far away) or he was simply not interested in me.
I can’t even get eye contact with men at the grocery store, cafes, library, mall, restaurant, etc.
I feel invisible. Do any of you feel invisible? Like Anon said earlier I think, sometimes, it’s just easier not to put yourself out there again and be treated like you’re only good for a sex hook up or worse yet not special or that you don’t exist.
The journey continues. I do have love at home with my little girl but some day, love from that mature man that Wiser described would be sweet.
it’s hard to make eye contact these days as everybody is being so important doing ‘things’ on their smart phone.
i don’t know where to find nice men. i don’t go out enough but the few i have encountered recently were assclowns. at least i’m getting better at sniffing them out.
Jule, your heartfelt post really moved me. I am in exactly the same position. Your words could be my words. I also don’t know where to meet these good, mature men. I do the best I can, work on myself so I have something to bring to the table, pray, hope, be positive, get out in the world as much as possible, make the effort (including some online stuff, which hasn’t been too terrible so far) – then I have to relax and let this rest in the hands of God. It releases me from the burden that it’s up to me to figure it all out and “make something happen,” because I just don’t have the power to do that. I try to stay balanced between faith and action. One of my favorite sayings is “Pray for wind, but row to shore.” So I pray a lot and take action when I can, and that’s all I can do.
Sounds like you are already taking action and doing what you can do, so give yourself some credit. Beyond that, everything is such a mystery. But that also means that anything can happen at any time! That’s an encouraging thought. Please stay hopeful and confident!
Wiser, you are wise! Love this! I always say “Move in the direction of your prayer.”
Jule, you sound a lot like me. I’m also 45, and a single mother of 3 with a very demanding job. I go to the gym, spend time with my girlfriends, but since I still have younger kids, I didn’t really get out much to meet people or date. So, of course, I met my exEUM at work. Ugh! I was clueless! As a result, it took a lot of effort to extract myself from that situation, since I didn’t really have a social life to distract me, and I had plenty of time on my own after the kiddos’ bedtime to obsess and ruminate. After some time and reading BR, I finally got back to the point where I was feeling better about myself, and I just happened to meet a great guy playing tennis in my own neighborhood. At first, I was in shock, because he was so open and straightforward about his interest. But we’ve been dating for over 8 months now. I’ve met a few of his single friends who seem just as down to earth and genuine. Now, I kind of think the good guys are content to ‘fly under the radar,’ so to speak. The EUMs (he was not my first, I’m afraid) tend to come at you sideways, so they can make it look like it was an accident. The ACs? Well, we should be able to identify them circling, looking for a target. But I’m afraid I’m not good at it, so I tended to avoid the single scene and lived in dread of online dating. If things don’t work out in my current relationship, I think I will still limit my scope to friend and interest based connections. The pool is definitely smaller, but I think the odds might be actually be better.
Jule, Wiser and 30Love,
Thanks for your posts, because I feel similar (almost 40 and busy at work plus self-care stuff that takes a lot of time) but I have no children and so you’d think that would mean I have time/opportunity to get out more.
I’m always inspired to come here and read of women who have the same questions as I do; it’s so much easier to read the strength in your ‘voices’ than it is to hear it in my own in times of doubt. Thanks for being there.
Ihave had a email today from ex mm . He saw me at shopping centre where i live by and he works close by . He asked how i was and informed me he had handed his notice in and doing his own valenting buisness . I havent replied . But i was on quite a high just getting on with life . Its nbrought me down as it makes me think hes moving on in life , going seperate ways etc . Yet im still a bit stuck in a emmotinal bog even though life is moving on . I took some satisfaction he was stuck in a miserable job . How can i let tjis bounce of me with a different way of thinking about it ?
Tired,
He’s fishing. Don’t let your ability to move on hang on his unhappiness. Detach, NC, don’t read his emails text messages or anything! He is no good. That’s all you need to know. I believe you are still stuck in the fantasy to some degree, hoping he’ll come round. He won’t. You have to come round to yourself. You can do it!
I didnt reply ,i deleted and git on with things . I rode the feeling out ,okay now:)
Tired,
Glad you’re okay and weathered the storm. I too took great delight in entertaining my thoughts with my ex’s discomfort. In that I wanted his recycled (went back to an ex) relationship to fail and I wanted him to have a miserable time in his new city. It’s fading and I’m happier for it. Even when we wish them ill, they still win: it’s taking up mental energy that could be spent on our precious selves.
Yes ,its just reminded me the value of nc . What if id done the friendship bollocx and watched him carry on ? Id be a mess feeling not good enough . Thank god for sense and br . Not knowing givesyou a chance to heal and stops you performinglike a circus seal for their attention. A very timely reminder to stay away from his shallow self . If karma catches up it does .illbe long gone .
Tired, you’ve made so much progress in the last few months. Everyone here has noticed. We don’t want to see you lose any ground.
I have no idea what makes you say “he’s moving on in life”. He’s not moving on in life. He’s skulking around, tapping your ‘supply’ meter to see if there’s any supply left in your tank.
You know where this will go if you respond to his email. He wants you to respond so that he can think “Ha. I knew it. I knew she was still attached to me. I’m irresistable, me.” He will congratulate himself for being the most charming man in the universe and then hit you with a blast of ice-cold arctic wind again. Because that’s what he does. That’s who he is.
Tired,
Why haven’t you blocked????
Jewels … When I was off on maternity leave with my second son, unmarried, a married Co worker wanted to take me to lunch. I hardly knew this man. Now as a pregnant woman, people are generous with food, attention, kindness, and I had been spoiled at my job for sure … But that one just set off my spidey senses big time … Though as a lactating woman without an income at the time free food sure was tempting … But I declined.
I don’t think he’ll ask me again. I didn’t want to believe his intentions, even though in the past a guy I work with hinted at it, so it must have been obvious to others. But, I also know him well enough to know that he is harmless, plus I do have a black belt and everyone at work knows this and it’s my favorite empty threat
Lo j, he must have thought that you being pregnant and unmarried would make you a viable target on many levels. Thank goodness you were not. But also think, if they want to pay for lunch, doesn’t mean that you then ‘owe’ them anything, even if ‘they’ think it does. But you are right, to avoid being plunked in the middle of an awkward situation, best decline the opportunity.
I thought my ex and I were just two wounded souls made for each other. It was us against the world and our shitty, small minded town. The thing about those types of ‘us against the word’ dynamics, is that it’s bound to turn into ‘us against each other.’ My home town is limiting and my ex was planning on moving to a diffent city. I guess I saw it as my ticket out of here and that he knew everything about life and would take care of me.
But….he was an alcoholic who wanted someone to take care of him. I guess we thought we needed each other. What we needed was to learn how to take care of ourselves outside of codependent relationships.
That whole ‘our love is so unique’ bullshit could have hooked me for a lifetime had I not found BR. I remember reading ‘Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl’ and going, “Oh, shit that’s me.” “That’s us.”
I thought things would be different this time around. I took him back after a year of not speaking. Then a month later, he had 2 deaths in his immediate family, which really affected him. I thought, if he is ever going to change, now is the time. And he did. For about a week.
It ended 3 weeks ago. I was drunk and threw a drink on him in front of his friends. Now, he wants nothing to do with me even though 6 weeks ago, he was on the phone crying to me every night about the deaths.
He definitely fits the classic definition of EUM/ Narc/ AC/ possible sociopath. He is 41 and still lives at home with his mother and teenage daughter, who undoubtedly is affected by his narcissism and will probably end up dating men exactly like him.
He is also an alcoholic/workaholic. His doctor told him recently he will be dead in 2 years if he doesn’t quit drinking and start eating right. He doesn’t care. His words “we are all going to die anyway, so I’m going to live my life for myself.”
We work together and have many mutual friends (but they have known him longer and are much closer to him). I went off on one because he had her tell me to stop texting him. I told her not to talk to me anymore, as she has no idea what’s going on and to stay out of the relationship. Btw, they all sided with him in the matter saying he didn’t deserve the drink. They’re right. He deserved much worse.
I’m proud that my drunk self doesn’t tolerate the bad behavior and bs. If only my sober self could say the same.
Lisa, I have to say that I’m kind of jealous you got to throw a drink on him! I kind of wish I could do that to the EUAC. He and I also work together and have a ton of mutual friends that are much closer to him/were his friends first, but they also know he can be a Grade A douchebag, so I’ve no doubt that if they knew what went down, they’d side with me. I just don’t want to tell them.
Go NC and don’t look back. Good luck with your situation.
Haven’t written anything in awhile now, but I really enjoyed reading this post and all the comments on this strand of thought. It really made me stop and think of how much better I feel than when I first stumbled on this site months ago now.
Men, women, it just really doesnt make much difference – people get blindsided all the time and feel like the world as we know it has ceased to exist. Certain types of people, sensitive and “deeper” ones, dig a little deeper and try to find answers.. and stop there once they feel that they have enough information to blame whatever happened on the other party and call it a day. People who really have a life changing experience look the deepest – and turn their thoughts inward – and see both the other party and more importantly the DYNAMIC, and the part they play in it. These people are changed forever, even if the rest of their lives they have to practice getting it right. This site is immeasurable, and I am so glad I fell again in my life so I could stumble here and really see for once that things arent just dumb luck, and that I am not alone and had the worlds worst relationship disaster that there will be no recovery from.
My story is EXACTLY like Natashyas, except I am a guy lol… and I believe were even both the same age. That alone gave me the most stability I had in months before I ended up here. Then reading the posts… the comments you all made that basically told me to get my head out of my ass and quit seeing the fairytale part of the relationship and look at the ugly truth (which I didnt let go of for a long long time)… slowly starting to see that every single thing that happened that I thought was so unbelievable and unique had happened to soooo many other people in EXACTLY the same fashion. The over the top attraction, the claim that we are soulmates and she never believed in them until me, the asking me to move in (thank God I asked her to wait), the talk of marriage, meeting the kids and family so quickly… Me being awestruck and stunned at how this all fell apart so quickly, and everyone here awestruck and stunned that I dont know what happened lol
The future faking… check. The fast forwarding.. check. Even beyond that once I learned more from here, the narc personality.. check (total lack of empathy for anyone, self centered, meeting perceived criticsm or affronts to her carefully crafted persona with extreme rage or anger – when I called her out on seeing other people I saw an angry side of her I never saw fully the whole time we were together). Was she an assclown?? No, she wasnt. Was she EU?? totally, completely, utterly. Just like most of the other peoples stories.
More importantly than why an obviously doomed relationship went south, so dramatically in my unseeing and untrained eyes, are the things I have been doing my whole life that put me into these situations over and over. Living in fantasy and downplaying inconvenient realities.. check. Betting on potential… check. Hanging on words even though actions dont match up.. check. Being over empathetic to others and not yourself… check. Letting your self esteem dwindle to nothing using it as fuel to launch an iffy partner into the stratosphere above you.. check. shrinking your own world to pump up someone elses.. check. I do ALL this, have done it all my life.. and its part of a passive aggressive unconcious scheme to give to someone, anyone who shows me interest, until the scales finally tip in my favor and I get what I need from the relationship – the feeling of being loved.
Its taken me 40 years to figure out real, lasting, loving, true relationships are grown naturally and dont have to be constructed like a project. 40 years to learn that sometimes things are just not going to work out just because someone has the hots for you, and you need to suck it up and flush if it doesnt fit in the boundaries and values you ALREADY HAVE. 40 years to learn that people dont change because you want them to – they change when they have their soul breaking moment, and see past it. 40 years to see that I am not the only one…
Thanks Natalie.. thanks all of you… I am so glad I am making it through for real this time. Its different, and a whole lot harder and more hurtful and heartbreaking, but its real. Ive never given anyone up or given up on anyone before, and I finally see that is how it is supposed to be if you are truly a person living your values. Im in a different place, and its a great feeling. Anyone reading this and needing hope – you will get there too. It will be the hardest thing you ever had to do, but you can do it if you really want to.
Bob as a female who has many male friends I can attest to the fact that it doesn’t matter what sex you are to get into these predicaments. Great post!
Bob72,
Your post brought me to tears! You are right, it’s not a man vs. woman thing. Emotional unavailability transcends gender.
And change does not come easy. It took an unfathomable amount of pain, and so many mistakes before I began to truly look at myself.
You are an inspiration. Onwards.
Thank you Bob. That was beautifully written.
Bob,
I just have to say that I always enjoy reading your comments. They are very well-thought out, insightful, and strengthening to me. Thank you. And congratulations on your very obvious growth and healing. Health and success to you!
I met someone online almost 2 years ago, we have spent MANY hours on the phone communicating each day, getting really close, a LOT of laughing, BUT both saying its just friendship. I did long distance before, that man was unavailable as I am now being real with myself of what went wrong (it was wrong from the beginning lol), and I insisted never again! Anyways now I am finally realizing with this man that although I always say we are just friends, my heart has always been way more involved than I ever cared to admit…. however I am not only the one to blame. He even had one of his other lady friends call me to to tell me she was jealous of his affections for me, and how much he cares about me…. yea, slick move huh. Anyways lately I have been really angry with him, listening to him be in complete denial of the way he strings women along has become too much. I decided to search for the REAL issue. Why was I letting this man have so much power over my emotions? I had glanced at this book before but put it down in denial, NOPE thats not me (lol)…ready now to pick it up I started to read and WHAM! it all hit me. So now that I have been hit with this insight, no matter how much BS a man feeds me, it is up to me to be true to myself. I am NOT his girlfriend, no matter what he tells me, I have a choice to believe who I am… and the title of his girlfriend does not apply to me. That truth has set me free of my anger and given me the ability to love and better myself for ME. I am worth it.
Grizelda,
Thanks for sharing that dreadful date. The beauty part is that because of BR, we are able to opt out a hell of a lot quicker saving us time, energy and sanity. I recently had to opt out of a female friendship as the woman was driving me mad. She works with me and was always going out of her way to be in my area, calling me before work at 5:30 am, ya know, just to chat (!) and then calling me in the evening again to chat. I asked her to stop many times, but she kept on. I finally got really curt with her and told her to refrain from doing it because I just didn’t have the time. She is married with a small child at home and wanted to chat while her baby cried in the background. I would tell her, “I think you should go tend to your baby.” Her response was, “No, my husband’s got her, this is MY time.” I finally had to cut her out of my life, we are cordial at work, but it was truly making me miserable. My mistakes were many, but the main one is this, nip it in the bud when it first happens and cut it off, save yourself a nightmare. Thanks all!
Thanks Natalie. Each and every time I fall into the trap of memories (and we created some awesome memories together…) and ignore harsh reality – he is with someone else and doesn’t really want me except in the dog-in-a-manger sort of way…I come to your site so I can find the courage to face another day at work and life. Thanks. Keep writing.
I actually tried to tell my friend what this post conveys in order to reassure her but she didn’t want to hear it and is currently ever so slightly off with me. I think some people thrive on a victim complex.
Lucy,
I got a heavy dose of reality that some women do not care to get better, don’t want the truth and will continue in the drama no matter what you throw their way. Even if it’s a loving, caring, well intended toss. I realized I had to focus on me getting better and that means letting go of the hope my friends, family and even enemies will think BR is as fabulous as I do! Onwards
Thanks! You are right. I think my fixer personality can be a bit grating even if I’m trying to help. I just don’t want anyone to feel bad on my account. And I’ve learnt recently that some people don’t want advice.
I haven’t posted here in a really long time. I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that I was in a situation that was not unique and that I kept hoping to all ends of earth was special. To recap briefly, I met a guy two years ago at work. We were both getting out of really bad relationships and became friends. He told me he was separated from his wife and all the things I was looking for in a relationship were what he was looking for as well (what a coincidence…I know). Fast forward with the future faker about 4-6 months and turns out he is going back to his wife because she is threatening to take away everything from him and he has to figure out a way to get out without losing everything. I bought it! All of it! And stuck around waiting…hoping…dying. He would call with stories of turmoil and disparity of how bad things are and how much he loves and misses me. I was slowly dying on the vine, my self esteem was in the gutter, I went into extreme analysis paralysis and basically have felt insanely crazy over the last year from all the hot and cold, blaming me for everything, calling me abusive and controlling because I asked for answers and outright gas lighting.
Well last week he told me he had to go on a business trip (we work at the same company) that was last minute and we wouldn’t be able to hang out for his birthday. He claimed he was dreading the trip and for me to please be understanding of how stressful the trip will be. Turns out he is in Hawaii for 8 days on his second honeymoon with the “horrendous, abusive wife he just can’t get rid of.” I am sick to my stomach and in total shock. I take full responsibility that I didn’t get out earlier and allowed my boundaries to be abused, stomped on and disrespected. I really do get it. But it doesn’t make this any less painful. I’m disgusted that I allowed myself to be lied to for so long and that an individual is capable of bulldozing and destroying anyone in his path to get what he wants.
Apparently it is also my fault he had to lie about where he was going – because I just couldn’t handle the truth and would just want to argue with him about it and he didn’t want to argue.
I now have since found out that there are numerous weekends where he would call me saying how sick he is and had to rest and didn’t have anyone to take care of him – turns out he was out of town at his vacation home.
I really let myself be fooled and now am left picking up the pieces of two years of soul destroying behavior. I’m so scared of what’s next and sick over what has happened.
Oh Lillian, I am so sorry for the hurt and anguish you must be experiencing. I remember you from a while back. I don’t mean to diminish your pain in any regard and want to share a similar experience with the exMM. 5 months after the affair started, he reported that he would be gone for 10 days on a cruise with his wife. He didn’t tell me until the last minute and was filled with dread as well. According to him, he was only staying married until the youngest left for college and it was really just a business arrangement. A year later, I found out it was a celebration of their 25th wedding anniversary. Yup, he was on a 10 cruise celebrating his marriage with his wife who was really just a business partner! Oh yeah, the calls of despair about how miserable he was were a regular thing. Come to find out, he was in the desert in a hotel room with his wife. The reason he didn’t tell me that he and his wife were going out of town for the weekend…wait for it…because I would get mad and he didn’t want to argue. Thus, it was my fault he lied. Christ, I’m aghast at how non-unique my situation was. Arrgh, I remember how I felt.
Please don’t be scared of what is next. If you go NC, cut the lying MM out of your life, and stick with Natalie and BR, there are some really wonderful things ahead for you. It’s difficult at first but well worth the anguish. I got so low and sick of being the OW being NC actually felt good. It’s painful to realize you’ve been used and painful to realize that you aren’t alone. It would have been way worse for me if I was still sitting at home while he was out cruising with his wife. You’ve got to cut your losses now. I did the two-year OW stint and I’ve been out now for two years thanks to Natalie and BR. It is much better not being an OW. Try not to spend too much time beating yourself up. I spent about a year doing it, shifting from blaming me to blaming him. NC his lying, cheating ass ASAP and spend your time reading BR and getting to the bottom of why you ended up in the situation.
Boy lying, cheating MM’s really piss me off. Natalie has some fantastic posts on cheaters. Have you read Mr. U and the FBG? Although you may not want to hear it now, things are actually looking up for you! No more dying on the vine! I hope you will continue to post…I’ll be following and sending you strength. Sorry though. Your situation isn’t unique.
Thanks so much runnergirl for sharing your story. It’s amazing how these MM ACs are all the same with the same exact story! As soon as he found out I knew he blocked me from all social media – which at that point didn’t matter. I knew enough. I gave him a couple chances to talk and he continued to bulldoze me and blame me and he even said at one point, let’s just talk about this when I get back. I have since blocked his calls and texts through my cell phone company. I’m now realizing the permanency of this action and even feel guilty over acting so extreme (I know). I believe he’ll never try contacting me again but I guess I’ll find out once he gets back. I’m still getting over the shock of the extent of the lies and moving past the gut wrenching images in my head of him enjoying himself on vacation while I deal with this fallout and heartache. It’s truly unbelievable how incapable he is of empathy or any feelings at all. Thanks again. I’m trying to stay strong. Xo
I think in their head it’s harmless. They are just using words to get what they want and it’s just a game. I see them akin to the types that roofie women in bars. It’s the same mentality, they only want what they want, don’t care about the fallout for the women involved, they are covert aggressors doing covert violence and control of women. They are NOT lovers of women, in fact they completely lack respect for women. We have to respect ourselves so not to wind up in their clutches ever again. Word.
Lillian,
Good for you for blocking and deleting him. It isn’t extreme. It is the only way out for you. Yeah, recognition of the depth of the lies was heart wrenching for me too. I truly believed that when I asked him to always tell me the truth, he did. It’s akin to asking a burglar to always tell me before they steal my stuff. Try to stay as grounded as possible and remember, he is a cheater and a liar. Thus, for all you know, he could be on vaca with his wife and texting another woman, not you or his wife. That scenario has been reported on BR numerous times as well. OW’s who find out they were actually the OOW. Very sad but once again not unique. Hang in there with NC. Remember, you are not that woman anymore.
I just got a hard dose of how ‘unique’ my last dalliance was not. I basically dated an identikit of my father.
My father is incapable of empathy and thinks the world is against him. My ex is the same. They both have this uncanny way of turning the blame right around to the women in their lives.
I thought they’d change. I held out on the hope. I was lucky I wasn’t holding my breath. These men will go on being who they are because, well, that’s who they are.
I remember being five and questioning everything and crying over the suffering of animals. Here I am an adult woman, questioning everything and deeply concerned with animals. We are who we are. Don’t get me wrong we can change. But it must be on our own accord and there is usually a heap load of work involved.
There is so much work involved in changing that it only makes sense to do it for ourselves.
Sure it sounds great, I guess, that someone with serious unloaded baggage would set it all down and come running into our arms squeaky clean and ready to love us unconditionally and romp around in a field of daises.
Field or no field, life goes on. No one escapes it; we all face the drudgeries of life whether we want to or not, and it’s just plain miserable to be with someone who offloads theirs onto you.
This is my first time sharing my story, but after having read so many of NL posts and comments, I have decided to share my story as I thought it was unique. After having not dated in years, I decided to get back in the game and met this 33 yo AC and i was 35. We dated for 5 years. Early on in our relationship he would run hot and cold but i didn’t understand at the time that was a red flag. He would go out and have great times and travel all over the country. He was a breath of fresh air as I felt my life was sort of boring. Because I was having this good time, I overlooked that his words and actions did not match. Well in 2012 we decided that we wanted to get married and set a dated for March 16, 2013. Then I started noticing that he was angry alot and would rage at the smallest of things. I also started noticing how he would make everything my fault. He took responsibility for nothing. I started putting down deposits on wedding related items. He never offered to help but promised he would. At the time we decided to get married, he had not given me a ring but he said he was saving for it, but when I asked how he was progressing he would fly into a rage simply because I asked about the ring. I tolerated much of his emotional outbursts because I felt sorry for him. He was a caretaker for his elderly father who has alzheimers and I understood that was stressful. So, I betted on potential that things would get better but they did not. Dec.2012 I went home so my family could continue to help me prepare for the wedding. He wanted me to come home withi him instead. I declined. Then my world crashed. HE sent me a text during the holidays breakin up with me because I did not go home with him and other bogus excuses. I feel devasted. People look at me and wonder how I allowed an individual like him in my life. I am intelligent, very attractivem, and kind hearted woman. I feel used and stuck. I have no closure. I do not understand how u can spend 5 years with someone and they can walk out of your life just like that. He was more of a father figure in my now 13 year old son’s life than his real father and he abandoned us both. My family purchased their flights to our destination wedding, so they lost their money too. Now, my wedding date is fast approaching and although I have been NC, I am feeling the anxiety setting in again. Although I do not want to have anything to ever do with him again, I do believe I am entititled to my money back from a wedding that will not take place and he conveniently never purchased my ring. Should I send an itemized bill for reimbursement? How do I get closure? How do I get unstuck? I feel so guilty that I accepted less than I deserve and waste 5 years of my life and now I am 40 trying to start all over again. I know i should be happy but right now I wake every moring with a feeling of heaviness. To make matters worse, I now realize he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. And if you understand that mental illness, you understand how my spirit feels broken.
Oh, Still Standing, a million hugs to you. Really, I get this. And I am so sorry.
It’s becoming ever so blatantly clear that my father also suffers from narcissistic personality disorder (though it mainly if not totally appears that everyone around him suffers).
It got to be too much. I was dying inside and he felt nothing for or toward me as his own child. He is also a dangerous man. I had to cut contact. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to to (I cut contact with my ex around the same time).
Here’s what worked for me (keep in mind I’m still not totally out of the clear, but I am getting there):
I read Natalie’s books. All of them. I found a reputable, ethical and very effective therapist (I did have to do a bit of searching and went in asking questions to make sure I was comfortable before proceeding), I dealt with my codependency and addiction to my ex by reading informative books on the subject, I journaled like crazy, I joined a support group, I signed up for a couple of Natalie’s classes, I consistently read and comment on Natalie’s blogs,I researched again to find effective, ethical hypnosis, and I research narcissism so that I stay educated and in reality.
I know it sounds like a lot. But remember this:
How much energy has gone into suffering for this man? You must match that and then some to heal.
YOU CAN DO IT.
If I can, you can. I was the biggest mess ever. I wouldn’t have been surprised had I been institutionalized, I was so bereft. You will get through this if you want to. You are worth it.
Thanks for the advice Peanut. You’re right I have spent a lot of my energy suffering. I am not against therapy, reading self-help books,etc. but I didn’t need those things before him and now I do. It doesn’t seem fair or right. How does one person come in your life and cause so much damage. I honestly did not know I was inn love with the potential or illusion of what could be instead of what was. The hardest part for me is acceptance. I really don’t want to accept that this person I was with could do this to me after 5 years. I guess I don’t want to admit I made a mistake and brought this monster in our lives. I do believe in a Higher Power and so I have been praying more and working on forgiveness. I have to forgive myself first. And I also read a lot of NL blogs too which have been helpful. My self esteem and self worth has been affected by being in a relationship that deep down inside was unfulfilling but I convinced myself that the crumbs were a loaf and he was the best I would ever get. Now I know better. Life’s a journey and I’m working on moving on and to stop hurting.
Still Standing – I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. While the unfolding of my story is completely different the reality is the same. It is so difficult for me who is capable of truly having feelings for someone to comprehend how the person I loved and cherished would say the same in return but actually have no real feelings to back it up. The hardest part for me to swallow is how a person can literally crush me with intentional actions and lies and not have any remorse. I would never want to hurt the people I love nor do I want to see them in pain. When these ACs walk away they dust off their hands and move on like nothing has happened. It makes my heart feel heavy and my stomach sick.
If you can afford to take care of the wedding deposits yourself I would suggest not engaging with this man ever again. He is an adult and HE KNOWS he should be helping with, if not taking on the full responsibility of the costs of canceling the plans. He is cruel. And I would rather not see you give him the room to hurt you even more.
Take care.
Peanut is right… I know it hurts believe me I do, actually everyone here does. Do all those things she said – I did all of them too and it does help slowly but surely. Know in your heart even though you won’t truly feel it for awhile that this is the best possible thing that could happen to you in this situation – thank God you didn’t get married!!! Don’t look for him to pay you back or anything else either… its over, let it go and chalk it up as a loss and learning experience. Just let him go.. if he was so eager to get out of your life and run away from his “sounded great at the time” promises he isn’t deserving of you. Do your damndest not to have any contact with him, heal your poor heart, and learn everything you can from this experience. You are only 40 – I am too – life isn’t over and maybe now you have all the skills you finally need to be in a good, wonderful, loving, real realtionship this next time around. There will be a next time too, never doubt that.
I felt your pain… yeah mine was only 8 months but I was totally sucked in even though my gut told me the whole time something wasnt right. I was all in.. sold my furniture because we didnt need it since I would be moving in with her.. moved most of my other things into her house… took over some of the bills to help her out in the meantime.. gave money for groceries and other things.. helped with medical bills and whatever else I could… hugged and kissed her little girls goodnight.. changed diapers… babysat.. everything I could do to work towards her supposed dream of us being together a reality. Then within the span of two weeks it was gone. I was out ALOT of money, had nothing left in my townhouse except a bed, small couch, and TV, and worst of all she would not give me the time of day after the day we broke up, all the while saying she didnt know what she would do without me at least being a friend in her life and that if she can get herself back together maybe we can try again someday, that she just couldnt be in a relationship right now. I hung on for another month, trying to be a friend even though it was killing me and taking what little self esteem I had left away, reaching out to her here and there and being met with nothing but coldness and disdain or indifference. Not even a month earlier telling me I was the love of her life and her begging me to please stay with her through it!! I never felt so low or rejected in my life. Finally I let go completely, even though just on the outside and not in my heart. I couldnt keep reaching out to someone and hanging around to see if she changed her mind when it was so obvious she had already moved on and was glad to be away from me. She was not looking back, no matter what she said about us, and I was not going to let myself be stuck in park forever…
You will get there too… keep moving forward, on your own. Leave him where he is and build your life back up as you want it. You will find a good man when you are ready, and if you keep all the lessons you have learned close. You wont be fooled again. And if you are with someone who just changes their mind you will be confident enough to know they werent it and theres better for you.
You can do it.. you are better off believe it
How do I learn to trust again when people can just “change their mind” in a heartbeat and decide they actually care nothing about me after all – while I am left in excruciating pain? This is what is the hardest part for me…sitting with all this pain and heaviness inside me. It feels unbearable.
Hugs and kisses to you all. Your words of encouragement is what I need. It’s hard sometimes to talk to your family and friends. If you guys can make it through so can I. Although I am out of thousands of dollars I will remain NC. There are valuable lessons I have learned. The biggest one is to trust your gut. I felt something wasn’t right. I was constantly having stomach issues and nightmares. And now that he is gone I know longer experience either one of those issues. Right now I’m feeling a lil bruised but I’m working on believing that I will one day enjoy a healthy relationship. In the meantime, I’m trying to rediscover who I am and create the life and person I deserve and meant to have. I know each one of you have your own story and we often don’t understand why we go through things but please know your words have inspired me. Thank you soo much.
I read this post. Then re-read it and read all the comments.
Somehow my situation still feels unique. Sure, many people have been cheated on and abused, but I haven’t met anyone (on this site or otherwise) who had their heart completely broken by the first person they kissed and had a relationship with.
I was in a relationship with a guy for a year and we spent literally 24 hours a day together. I cut out all my friends because he would get mad if I went off with other people instead of spending time with him, and I actually wanted to be with him rather than anyone else.
However, I didn’t feel like I was ready to sleep with him yet and told him so.
He seemed perfect in every way (and I feel like he still is, apart from the cheating and abuse). But when I was on holiday with my family over the summer he hooked up with a lot of different girls, while continuing to send me “I’m so in love with you and miss you like crazy” messages. I felt sick knowing what he was doing and I could barely eat for a month. I lost weight like crazy and went down to 39kg (I am 5feet5inches).
I eventually confronted him a few days after my birthday and he admitted it all.
Since then I tried NC, but kept giving him chances to prove himself. It didn’t work and finally I went NC properly in Dec (though it broke in Feb when we ran into each other).
I have now restarted NC, but feel like I missed out on the best opportunity at love in my life and it won’t come around again. My story still feels unique because of the complete hopelessness for the future after the first time of having my heart completely shattered.
I aim to just keep reading baggage reclaim (I can’t write/read “BR” because those were his initials) and hoping for the best.
Wish
He’s a bog standard, nothing special AC.
Normal rules apply. You saying he’s perfect made me laugh. It’s like this:
This house would be perfect if it had a roof and some walls.
This job would be perfect if they remembered to pay me.
This million dollars would be perfect if it wasn’t counterfeit.
Some things you just have to have. Without fidelity and trust it can never be good enough (no such thing as a perfect person or relationship).
Neither is this your only or best relationship. I’d bet my house on it.
What becomes of the brokenhearted? I broke my first boyfriend’s heart by cheating on him and dumping him. For seven years he continued to love me. He’s long married now with three children, and is a millionaire. Life goes on.
Don’t wait seven years though.
Reading these articles and replys has been eye opening for me. I was involved with a married former co-worker for the past 10 months. I enjoyed talking with him while we worked together and several months after he left there, he texted me. He said he considered me a friend and it went from there. He told me how unhappy he was in his marriage, that he never loved her and only got married to have a place to live. I met him 4 times where he was working last summer. Then he changed jobs and I haven’t seen him in 6 months. During 2 of those 6 months he didn’t contact me. After he got in touch again he told me he was leaving his wife as soon as “he got his ducks in a row.” He has only called me 2 or 3 times…almost all of our contact was by text. We planned to meet 3 different times and 2 of these times he texted at the last minute with an excuse why he couldn’t meet me. The last time there wasn’t even an excuse….just “can’t escape-sorry.” That was all I could handle. I broke it off.
I am divorced and hadn’t dated in 15 years because I knew that my “picker” was off and I always fell for the wrong man. I thought after 15 years I knew what to look for. He flattered me and made me feel like we would be together eventually. He told me he would do things which he never did. One day he told me he was mine. When he texted that is when I started waking from the fog. He wasn’t mine, he was still with his wife, and he didn’t make time to see me….not even 5 minutes. There were so many red flags in this relationship. I’m not sure what took so long to finally end it. But I did and afterward I felt like my life had ended…what if he had truly meant the things he said. I am 57 years old; what if I had thrown away the last chance I have to have a loving relationship.
Then I found BR. It has reinforced what I already knew. Thanks for sharing your stories. I don’t feel alone in my sadness and confusion. We have to learn from our mistakes and go on. We can’t let them win.