For some people, when they go on dates, they end up being guilty of this dangerous optimism where they’re basically acting like they’ve won the lottery before the numbers have been called. They’re ‘buzzing’ and ‘spending the winnings’ in their imaginations, hopeful that this date is ‘it’ and they’ll have a ‘happy ending’. But then it’s also safe to say that there are some people out there dating and in relationships who are pretty skeptical. They’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, to be screwed over and just don’t believe that it’s going anywhere, or that they’re liked / loved, or that the person doesn’t have some dark motives.
Why bother to go on dates if you think that they’re not going to get past one date or you’re convinced that there’s something wrong with all of them? It’s the same if you go out there thinking that you’re not ‘good enough’ and that it’s only a matter of time until they see it. All you end up doing is being on high alert for disappointment and assholery or doing the equivalent of auditioning for the dating equivalent of the X-Factor, which puts them on a pedestal. These mentalities don’t allow you to hear or see what’s going on. How can you judge a date you haven’t been on or a person that you haven’t gotten to know?
It’s like when people slag off books they haven’t read (I know someone who seems to be an expert on how rubbish 50 Shades is yet she’s never read it. At least I read 100 or so pages before my head could take no more), TV shows they claim are rubbish but they seem to know a great deal about the current storyline’s, food they’ve never tried or places they’ve never been.
Equally, what’s the point of pushing ahead with a relationship even though you’re in turmoil with skepticism? Everything you think and do will be affected by it and you won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to forge true intimacy and commitment. You’ll keep your options open or be skittish or outright jumpy with your partner because there’s a part of you that wants to enjoy yourself but then you’re worried that if you really allow you to enjoy yourself and let go, that you’re going to be abandoned or screwed over.
If you’ve ever gone along to something that you’ve pretty much written off before you even got there, do you really experience it?
That’s the problem with skepticism; it doesn’t help you hear or see, but it also means that you’ve more or less made up your mind. Then you try to say that you’re “OK” but you know that you’re bullishitting.
Bearing in mind as well that so many of us have an issue with admitting when we’ve made a mistake or misjudged something, often skeptics enjoy something more than they let on and/or recognise that they’ve been mistaken, but would rather maintain their original position. They’re scared of letting go of it.
It’s not about going in blind but if you have that much doubt and cynicism, wouldn’t it be better to get your own head in order rather than participate in Groundhog Day? It’s essentially resigning yourself to being ‘fatigued’ about everything and expecting to be disappointed.
We have a tendency to gravitate to situations that keep us in our comfort zone. It’s why I hear from so many people who don’t feel good enough and who have trust issues, who then involve themselves with people who exacerbate that sense of inadequacy and who give them reasons to have trust issues.
I’ve also found that no matter the quality of the relationship, if you have trust issues and won’t believe that you’re as loved as they tell you that you are or that they’re not doing or going to do what you’re afraid of, the relationship isn’t going to work anyway.
It would be better to deal with your trust issues first and then embark on relationships. It is not the job of another person to teach you how to have a trust system no more than it is the job of ‘everyone’ to challenge your skepticism.
Remember though, it’s not about being blind or naive but it is about coming from a positive place with an open mind and heart which is more authentic than going in with distrust, doubts, and skepticism but acting or even claiming that you feel differently and hoping it will just ‘go away’ without you having to trust you and use your own judgement skills while interacting – yes you can do both!
I know it’s not easy but I also know that a closed and fearful mind never leads to a happy, open outcome. Address your relationship with you, know your boundaries and operate with a debit and credit trust system based on reality and instead of worrying your busy mind, you can get on with the business of living and deal with something if and when it should arise instead of being on high alert for danger and laying in waiting for it.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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I needed this post today
Confused again. Gina, it was your post was to OLS. Sorry. Tink.
Talk about a timely post…… Last week I had an unexpected night away from my son and went to dinner with friends. One friend is a really great singer and she insisted we all go sing karaoke. So I went to a new place, on an off night, and sang karaoke. I’ve never done that in my life! (I don’t think I can carry a tune in a bucket.) But I did it and I had a blast. And then a guy came over to talk to us and he seemed nice. And then he asked for my number. And he’s called and been a gentleman and asked me to dinner. All very simple really. So I come to BR and…….. Going in with an Open Mind! This is the first guy, as in a total stranger, that I’ve given my number.
I really communed with others here who feel that their goodness, innonence, etc have been sorely abused. I waiver between thinking “Wow, I really need to offload being so nice” and “No, I refuse to become one of THEM”.
So I will trust myself and keep an open mind. Thanks BR!
June, just because an EUM is attracted to you, does not mean that you are an EUW. You are only an EUW if you choose to pursue a relationship with them. EUM’s are often attracted to women like us…however, we have the power because we can simply dismiss them (the way in which you would dismiss an annoying fly buzzing around your food at a picnic table), and not take it personally. Are you perfect?? Will you ever be perfect?? Absolutely not! Reading self-help books, being reflective, and looking at past mistakes is fine, but at some point we have to say, ‘I’m as good as I can be in this moment and that’s enough.’ So get out there, laugh, flirt, be happy and simply enjoy life in this moment–don’t over-analyze or worry about this and that–just LIVE because tomorrow is not promised to no one.
Mymble,
To hear my old college buddy tell it, he’s got to hold them off with a large stick. His conquests have run from married women to several strippers. Not a lot of emotional interaction in all of that, is there? Combine his bragging with the fact that he is a currently unemployed Donald Trump wannabe with bad credit living with his mother, and you can understand why I’m keeping my panties on. Men are scarce, but they’re not that dang scarce.
Natalie,
Great post!
I’m two years out of my relationship with my very LAST ass clown in December. I don’t at all, consider dating, as in getting out there and actually allowing to happen. The REASONS are what you’ve outlined above, BOTH scenarios I could see happening. This tells me that I’m not READY yet and I don’t know that I will ever be.
I will be 49 next month.
Perhaps the years of ass clowns, and life time abuse has permanently created a barrier to having another relationship again. Ironically, this feels comforting to me. I’m not altogether certain that being alone the rest of my life is a BAD THING. I want to be comfortable enough with myself that I am completely INDIFFERENT to the idea of a relationship, as I have a feeling that if one were to happen, it would not be the result of “looking”.
Mic… bless his heart. He’s a douche. It hurts now, I know, I dated one just like him, same scenerio with the FB friends, which, btw, they are all surface, shallow relationships, which is all he can handle, but you need more. Keep moving forward and leave the dead weight behind. It’ll hurt, for sure, throw yourself into BR, read ALL Natalie’s posts, BLOCK him on FB, figure YOU out, and eventually you’ll be grateful for this experience.
What would you recommend to someone who’s never been on a real first date? I’m 27 and all three of my ‘real’ relationships started with meeting them through mutual friends. All relationships were very unhealthy and involved either their addictions or exes. I have been on a date twice in my life – once in high school and again about six years ago. Both were nerve racking and very uncomfortable. Why put myself through that? However, my rules for dating are just not working! I keep meeting loser after loser! At this point I am convinced I will forever be alone, despite being very attractive, fun, witty intelligent and a good head on my shoulders. Do I have to suffer through dates to meet him?
Rebecca,
If your rules for dating aren’t working, I’d suggest reading every thing Natalie has written on dating. I’ve found her advice to be the absolute best. I’m 53 and had never been on a first date until six months ago, despite three marriages (and divorces). Met all my ex’s and bf’s at work and thought I knew them cos we worked together…wrong! From where I’m sitting presently, even though some dates have been tortuous (like the guy who snagged fries off the plate from the former dinners), it has been different. Dating is a discovery phase as Nat says. There isn’t a short cut, at least I haven’t found one. I go in with an open mind without thinking this is the one. If you are “suffering” maybe a little time out would help? I know it may feel like time is running out at 27 and taking things slowly isn’t in the cards, try dating and taking things slowly at 53. Talk about time running out. Dating doesn’t have to be nerve wracking or uncomfortable. It can be an adventure and an opportunity. I’m really enjoying dating thanks to Natalie and BR. I’ve actually enjoyed the really, really bad dates, which I’ve posted about such as the guys who talked for hours about how they screwed over their ex-wife or how they refuse to go to AA because they aren’t addicted. As well as the guy who stood me up on a second date cos I didn’t call to wish him a happy B-day, after one date (had to block that dude). As well as almost fourth date guy, who couldn’t commit to a fourth date after I indicated I wasn’t up for sex until I had a chance to know somebody. Not to mention the fixer who just needed somebody to fix him. No, you don’t have to suffer through. You get to choose, and at 27, you have a ton of choices! Even at 53, I have a ton of choices, although some days are better than others. Just take it slowly. I have a 23 yro daughter who thinks her life is over cos she broke up with her bf. Dear lord, I can barely remember my 20′s. There is so much more life to live. Enjoy being 20 something and dating.
Totally love this post. Good reminder for me right now with a new relationship on the horizon after my marriage broke up 7 years ago. I guess in my case it isn’t a thing of ‘getting all fixed’ and then getting involved but more of a case of ‘fixing a little’ stepping out a little, seeing how that feels…’fixing a little more’ and so on and so forth. So far I’m doing okay.