Comments on: Advice: Can He Get Over My Cheating and Trust Me? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: RandomlySane http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/comment-page-1/#comment-55895 RandomlySane Mon, 06 Aug 2007 17:43:04 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/#comment-55895 Excellent advice NML (and everyone else too). Obviously something is broken and needs fixing. I especially like Brad bringing up the emotional cheating thing. A LOT of women do it, but see it as innocent. I It could be a number of things, maybe she doesn't feel like her boyfriend give her enough attention, or it's purely an ego thing, etc... Normally I would agree that if she was truly happy she wouldn't entertain the other guy, but I've seen a couple of situations of a woman being friends with someone who wants more than friendship. It had a lot to do with past history (ie knowing this friend for years prior to boyf) and also insecurity in whether her man was the right one for her. She did eventually marry her boyf and let go of the friend, but it was a process that took some serious time and had other factors in play.... Excellent advice NML (and everyone else too). Obviously something is broken and needs fixing. I especially like Brad bringing up the emotional cheating thing. A LOT of women do it, but see it as innocent. I

It could be a number of things, maybe she doesn’t feel like her boyfriend give her enough attention, or it’s purely an ego thing, etc…

Normally I would agree that if she was truly happy she wouldn’t entertain the other guy, but I’ve seen a couple of situations of a woman being friends with someone who wants more than friendship. It had a lot to do with past history (ie knowing this friend for years prior to boyf) and also insecurity in whether her man was the right one for her. She did eventually marry her boyf and let go of the friend, but it was a process that took some serious time and had other factors in play….

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/comment-page-1/#comment-55602 Brad K. Sat, 04 Aug 2007 00:51:00 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/#comment-55602 NML, <blockquote>Clearly she is not happy with her man because if she was, she wouldn’t even entertain this guy.</blockquote> I hesitate to agree with that statement. You may well be correct, but I think this is a life skills problem. I think this lady developed, before this relationship started, the skills to attract men. And the habit of using that life skill would be tougher to break than cigarettes, another hormone-driven vice/addiction. I think she continues to confuse attention from other guys with 'normal' behavior, because she doesn't know any better. I don't think she ever learned about the step from 'attract hot guys' to 'enjoy the guy you are with because you need to make a world for two, with only us two in it'. Vogue, Cosmo, Maybelline, Playex - none of them sell as much product once you stop trolling for new blood. NML,

Clearly she is not happy with her man because if she was, she wouldn’t even entertain this guy.

I hesitate to agree with that statement. You may well be correct, but I think this is a life skills problem. I think this lady developed, before this relationship started, the skills to attract men. And the habit of using that life skill would be tougher to break than cigarettes, another hormone-driven vice/addiction.

I think she continues to confuse attention from other guys with ‘normal’ behavior, because she doesn’t know any better. I don’t think she ever learned about the step from ‘attract hot guys’ to ‘enjoy the guy you are with because you need to make a world for two, with only us two in it’. Vogue, Cosmo, Maybelline, Playex – none of them sell as much product once you stop trolling for new blood.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/comment-page-1/#comment-55526 NML Fri, 03 Aug 2007 12:57:51 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/#comment-55526 Vixen - Well said. As usual you tell it like it is. Prioritising is key and it's time to decide whose feelings and attention she wants more... Katie - Well spotted! That did escape me and it certainly says a lot! Brad - I thought the first line was very funny. At the end of the day it's back to the prioritising. I don't believe in prioritising someone so much that it gets in the way of you conducting a normal, healthy life - the isolation you suggested. The key thing here is this need for attention from all of these other guys, particular when she knows that there is more than a friendly interest in her. Clearly she is not happy with her man because if she was, she wouldn't even entertain this guy. Vixen – Well said. As usual you tell it like it is. Prioritising is key and it’s time to decide whose feelings and attention she wants more…
Katie – Well spotted! That did escape me and it certainly says a lot!
Brad – I thought the first line was very funny. At the end of the day it’s back to the prioritising. I don’t believe in prioritising someone so much that it gets in the way of you conducting a normal, healthy life – the isolation you suggested. The key thing here is this need for attention from all of these other guys, particular when she knows that there is more than a friendly interest in her. Clearly she is not happy with her man because if she was, she wouldn’t even entertain this guy.

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/comment-page-1/#comment-55493 Brad K. Fri, 03 Aug 2007 07:01:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/#comment-55493 Unless you are married to a lawyer, living in a White House, and fooling around with an intern, I think 'cheating' probably means something other than sexual intercourse in the missionary position and you got caught. I think cheating is any time or relationship spent that weakens a relationship. Any time energy is spent that could have rewarded the gifts our partner gives of love, respect, trust, and loyalty, we are withholding something - cheating. We know that career, extended family 'obligations', and friendships can challenge a relationship. We have to balance our priorities or our outside interests will destroy our home. Whether drugs, alcohol, or flirting, there are many dangers and risks ready to tempt us. NML. as Vixen mentions, the lady asking this question spends way too much time dwelling on excuses. She isn't really focused on deserving the gifts her partner gave her over a long period of time - the love, respect, intimacy, care. If she knows her partner considers her time and energy spent with friends is a threat, she has to decide if he is being obsessive, or observant. If she turns to friends for closeness, for comradeship, to exchange gossip and caring, then she is cheating her partner of her time and attention. As I say, the first concern is whether his complaint is obsessive, and likely to isolate her from friends and family, or whether his complaint is about genuine lack of devotion to her mate. With the daughter between them, my first inclination is to try to rekindle the relationship. Because he feels wronged, she will have to change, to think about her actions, and acknowledge that he deserves to be the friend and comfort she turns to first and last. And she probably, after this much time, needs professional counseling and guidance to find a healthy balance of focus, attention, and values of living with a mate. Unless you are married to a lawyer, living in a White House, and fooling around with an intern, I think ‘cheating’ probably means something other than sexual intercourse in the missionary position and you got caught.

I think cheating is any time or relationship spent that weakens a relationship. Any time energy is spent that could have rewarded the gifts our partner gives of love, respect, trust, and loyalty, we are withholding something – cheating.

We know that career, extended family ‘obligations’, and friendships can challenge a relationship. We have to balance our priorities or our outside interests will destroy our home. Whether drugs, alcohol, or flirting, there are many dangers and risks ready to tempt us.

NML. as Vixen mentions, the lady asking this question spends way too much time dwelling on excuses. She isn’t really focused on deserving the gifts her partner gave her over a long period of time – the love, respect, intimacy, care. If she knows her partner considers her time and energy spent with friends is a threat, she has to decide if he is being obsessive, or observant. If she turns to friends for closeness, for comradeship, to exchange gossip and caring, then she is cheating her partner of her time and attention. As I say, the first concern is whether his complaint is obsessive, and likely to isolate her from friends and family, or whether his complaint is about genuine lack of devotion to her mate.

With the daughter between them, my first inclination is to try to rekindle the relationship. Because he feels wronged, she will have to change, to think about her actions, and acknowledge that he deserves to be the friend and comfort she turns to first and last. And she probably, after this much time, needs professional counseling and guidance to find a healthy balance of focus, attention, and values of living with a mate.

]]> By: Katie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/comment-page-1/#comment-55467 Katie Fri, 03 Aug 2007 03:26:58 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/#comment-55467 I find this woman's freudian slip very interesting: "I told <b>me</b> that I’m happy in the relationship". Hmm. I find this woman’s freudian slip very interesting: “I told me that I’m happy in the relationship”. Hmm.

]]> By: Vixen http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/comment-page-1/#comment-55259 Vixen Wed, 01 Aug 2007 19:34:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-can-he-get-over-my-cheating-and-trust-me/#comment-55259 Really great advice NML. Also I think that she's missing a certain level of RESPECT for her man. If your guy doesn't feel like he's elevated as the highest male in your world, and you have all these other 'male' friends around you, there is no way that you should expect him to trust you (especially when your past has the cheating.) You also have to take a firmer stand if you want this relationship to work. I think you should cut off communication with all these 'male' friends because it's just contributing to the emotional insecurity and lack of trust from your man. Your relationship has alot of issues and you need to work out all these unresolved issues. You need to prioritize your man's feelings because they are valid. Instead of doing that though, you are talking to your 'boys' and hanging out with them, especially the one that's coming on to you. No no. Really great advice NML. Also I think that she’s missing a certain level of RESPECT for her man. If your guy doesn’t feel like he’s elevated as the highest male in your world, and you have all these other ‘male’ friends around you, there is no way that you should expect him to trust you (especially when your past has the cheating.) You also have to take a firmer stand if you want this relationship to work. I think you should cut off communication with all these ‘male’ friends because it’s just contributing to the emotional insecurity and lack of trust from your man. Your relationship has alot of issues and you need to work out all these unresolved issues. You need to prioritize your man’s feelings because they are valid. Instead of doing that though, you are talking to your ‘boys’ and hanging out with them, especially the one that’s coming on to you. No no.

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