Guess this was what attracted my ex-EUM(or whatever he is) in the first place, but after a few weeks of dating he started his control- thing. Subtle at first, then more direct – criticizing my clothes (What’s wrong with a white, decent summer dress on a Casual Friday?)
and explaining how “picky” he was when it came to women. I didn’t take the bait and ignored it and that really bothered him, I could tell he didn’t know how to behave around me.

When he realized that i would not respond to his stupid game playing he would say things like “I’m afraid of you”. Which makes perfectly sense: he can’t control me, and that means I am a potential threath to his self esteem and illusions.
He’s unable to have an equal, balanced relationship, period.

(Turned out he had a long-term girlfriend on the side, but that’s another story… or not.)

But I am reminded how he acted when we went out one time after we broke up. He acted so bizarre and more closed off than usual. I, of course acted like it wasn’t happening, and chattered through the date. But finally, I asked, “Whats wrong?” He initiated the date. He blurts out, “I am nervous! I don’t know – you make me nervous!” (He said it a little too loud and abruptly)

I was completely perplexed. We had been shagging and dating for nearly a year. Vacations together, etc. Nervous? As a good Fallback Girl – I took this as a sign of his “still loving me” and how beautiful, succesful, etc. I am. But now reading this – I realize – it is not unique. It is not something that just “he felt towards me”. It is just another “thing” between a Mr. Unavailable and a Fallback Girl – and I don’t care what it is about anymore. Too much energy to solve a puzzle that was missing pieces right out of the box.

Caroline – I relate to you with the aging factor. I’m 46, have been divorced 2x in my early twenties and then been in relationships mostly with EUMs since. Last 2 relationships – MM for 4yrs. and my latest ex-EUM for over 2 years. The age factor kept me in it…besides that I literally “crazy about him.” He was physically a beautiful, sexy man and that passion and chemistry kept me in it. What I wasn’t considering, and you should…is that you are worrying about your age now…the longer you stay in this unhealthy relationship the older you will be when you get out…time doesn’t stand still…you know deep down in your gut that he’s not right for you and you are believing his BS…antibiotic meds for TB do not make someone act differently…he’s just giving you excuses for his poor behavior and not meeting your needs, because he knows he can get away with it.

We’ve all been down that road…we are here for you!
Good luck.

I finally became fed up, recognized my bad dating patterns and took a time out. It has taken a while, but I had to come to a place where I became comfortable with me and the idea that I might not finally have a man to share in the golden years. I came to question why it is necesssary to have a man to feel happy or fulfilled in life. I realized that it is not necessary. There are plenty of other great ways to give and receive and find fulfillment in life. In my case, I find it through my friends, family, work, hobbies, and studies.

If a good man comes along – great! If that does not happen, that’s okay too. But, I’m not going to waste time and energy on a jackass who really does not care about me and creates a lot of negative drama. To me, life is far worse with an EUM, than it is alone and doing good things with my time and energy.

Perhaps it is time to take a break again and reflect on what will make you truly happy…..

And yes, you are correct – his excuses for his bad behavior are just that – excuses. Antibiotics do have side affects, but aggression is not one of them….

Be Good to Yourself Caroline!

Liz

Two plus two is supposed to equal four. You are supposed to enjoy meeting his needs. It seems you are doing pretty well at meeting his needs – but you aren’t enjoying it. You are adding two plus one, and keep trying to make it come out to four. You left something out of your equation – you.

When we date, we have an obligation to ourselves, our families, and our prospective partners – to have fun. We have to enjoy ourselves or we are cheating ourselves, lying to our prospective partner, and put everyone at risk. We waste time, effort, money, and wear and tear on our emotions – and we distract ourselves from finding who we are, from living.

And make no mistake, you are on a date. Your EUM-cop-whatever is a perpetual dater – he has no concept of what it means to be in a family, and no notion to change his social role as a dater. He is dating. He is sharing a bed and a house with you, and still considers other women part of his ‘social life’, He is dating.

Deep down, you believe that men flit about, sow wild oats with unsuitable women, then settle down to a family. You fear and believe it is you that hasn’t yet made him feel he has found love, a home, a life-mate. In reality, this myth of ‘typical’ guy behavior is wrong, illogical, and harmful. Any guy that gets good at finding bed partners has a life-skill of finding bed partners – and will never abandon that skill at finding (new) bed partners, whether he (or she) marries or stumbles into a long term relationship. It doesn’t happen.

Caroline, it seems you need more women friends to balance your life – married women content in their marriage. Please consider carefully about seeing someone that doesn’t have impeccable character – honest, respectful, honorable, trusted. You want someone that has good emotional bonds to family and friends.

I have to wonder about this friend that told you the cop wanted to see you – do you respect the people she hangs out with (except for you of course!)? Is your friend a good judge of character?

But you really have to send this guy on his way. For one thing, life is too short to be wasting it on a dater – his presence keeps you from meeting someone that might be a suitable mate-prospect, and keeps you from being available. Dealing with his crap (just how many women *do* you want to be sleeping with, second hand?) is causing you hurt, his presence is deepening a bond you feel toward him (not that he likely feels anything more than being on a second date) – that you will have to grieve over when he goes. Letting him drag things on causes more pain and waste of time, with nothing good accomplished.

And you need to consider why you let this bum hang about, why you let someone else decide what you would do, why you put his wishes before your needs – why, at the beginning of a relationship, you endeavored to meet his needs when his actions don’t show respect for you. No relationship is perfect, and as time goes by we make our sacrifices and small compromises when there is need. But at the beginning, before you are satisfied that he is reasonable, responsible, respectable, honorable – and fun (for you!) to interact with, a true joy to be around – problems are *warning flags*, not obligations.

Blessed be.