Comments on: Advice: Does tragedy or trauma attract emotionally unavailable men?

By: kako

kako — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:14:58 +0000

Yes trauma contributes to pathological bonding – the brain is in an especially vulnerable and imprintable state when undergoing trauma and so the perceived bond with this person becomes magnified.You feel much closer and the dependence is higher – this is proven by science and numerous psychological experiments – when humans undergo a trauma together they are bound together emotionally in a different way to a pair who didn’t experience a trauma together.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:22:16 +0000

Hi Ms.C.Moon,
Both your story, and Traci’s story, touch me deeply and your sharing is giving me welcome perspective on my own experiences! There are some books I’d like to recommend – Susan Forward has a book on misogynists and Susan Page has a humorous book on finding one’s true love. I think many of us are attracted to emotionally unavailble men because we couldn’t bond properly with our Dads – classic father hunger! Trying to bond with Mr.Unavaiable is trying to finally win Dad’s love – to make a sad story turn out happy.To finally get the love of that first man in our lives, distant Dad.I am in the same boat and I know I have to somehow resolve that first hurt, that pain of being rejected by my father. A therapist has suggested I try to “bond” with my childhood father “in my heart” as he put it – to write a story about my Dad’s life growing up, to see why he became withdrawn, and write poems about him, whatever to express my longing. And to seek closure in my writings and prayers,not in real life.Hope this helps.Elaine

By: C. Moon

C. Moon — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:54:37 +0000

My EUM came from a “dysfunctional” family in that his mother and father divorced when he was 2 years old, and his father has disowned both he and his sister. His mother remarried, and his stepfather was verbally abusive and my EUM did not have a good relationship with him. So, in a nutshell, he has NEVER had an appropriate father figure in his life, and no doubt has major abandonment issues. We work together, and have had a “relati0nship” for over two years. We started as friends, but I became romantically interested in him about four months later, ignoring some “red flags” that were flying in front of me that he was an EUM. Similar to other EUMs, he has some wonderful qualities that I find attractive–we have the same warped sense of humor, enjoy the same kinds of music, both love dogs, etc. etc. There also seems to be a physical attraction between us that has never been acted upon, other than a drunken make-out session a couple of years ago that neither of us will acknowledge or talk about. He does the classic blowing hot and cold–he will e-mail me daily for a couple of weeks, we will hang out on the weekends, and then he will completely ignore me for weeks on end. It has been a painful roller coaster ride, and after finding out about this website, discovering that I am attracted to EUMs, and with the help of a therapist, I am finally ready to end this pattern. (I was married for 17 years to an alcoholic–also an EUM of the worst kind!) I am a textbook case in that growing up my father was emotionally unavailable to me–classic working class hero–worked 14 hour days, and I never saw much of him. Anyway, I want to thank you so much for the help you have given me. I pray that I can end my relationship with my current EUM (I am working on it every day), and that I can forge ahead and hopefully meet someone who can give me what I know I deserve. Thank you!