NML’s e-books are good places to continue what you have started – reading the messages and comments here at Baggage Reclaim.

The biggest hurdle is letting go. Finding the events and places and people in your past that are part of the problem, and moving on, leaving them behind.

If you find you are no longer satisfied with the FWB thing, if you want a home and family kind of life – that kind of mate won’t be hanging out where the FWB prospects hang out. Stop going where the FWB partner goes, or where you met him. You don’t want to meet someone looking for what he found.

And, frankly, it will take time to get past the trauma of the end of your marriage. Regardless of the circumstances, you have lost someone – and you will go through the same grieving process, in your own way, as if a beloved loved one had passed away. Your body and spirit will mourn, no matter whether the ending was a relief, a blessing, a wrenching torment, or something in between (or combination). It takes time for the spirit to complete the initial cycle, to get to the healing part.

In the mean time, the EUM you are with distracts you from thinking about a healthier you, or a healthy relationship. Being with someone makes you unavailable to an honorable, respectful mate-prospect.

Have you seen the movie “28 Days”? Sandra Bullock is sent to a drug treatment facility. Watch particularly her change from detached to emotionally engaged. And at the end of the program, they recommend ‘graduates’ buy a plant. If, in a year, the plant is still alive, get a pet. If, a year later, the pet and plant still live, then think about starting to date. The movie is kinda hokey, but that explanation and prescription for beginning to emotionally engage, for the first time for many of the characters, seems grounded in fact.

I have known for a long time how dysfunctional it is and had something of an epiphany the other night, but it scares the bejaysus out of me to recognise myself as being such a sick individual.

Its like I don’t want a relationship either-I feel there’s something missing in my psychological makeup that prevents me from wanting to love again. (I just got divorced after 22 years of marriage) I am the quintessential Fallback/YoYo girl.

I need help-who could help me and what do I ask for? I DON’T feel I can allow myself to be vulnerable, but at the bottom of it all, I think I’m scared to let someone know me because they won’t want me or they’ll think there’s not much to me. Conversely, I feel I am confident, intelligent and attractive. I’m so mixed up.

My EUM and I have been in each other’s lives for 8 years-3 as friends/acquaintances and 5 as FWB. Often I will please him with no expectation of reciprocation because I don’t want to let him get that close. And I AM trying to exert power over him through sex. I used to be so infatuated and feel we were soulmates, but now, even the thrill is diminished. I think I’m trying to keep the drama and excitement going so that I will feel attractive and vibrant to someone who USED to make me feel this way.

Writing that is really hard and I think I need lots of help! Any advice? BTW, I’m sorry this is so me,me, me, but I am processing as I write. I don’t know how and IF I can get out of this mindset!

Next, he has, in fact, made himself a home. You just don’t share his dwelling. Emotionally, you are (were) probably as much a part of his life as if you had married him. Only you aren’t (weren’t) as lonely this way. Consider yourself lucky that you hadn’t married without some major changes first.

There is no such thing as bad sex when no on gets hurt. Most of the time we enjoy (revel) in a supportive, nurturing relationship and home; others survive or attempt to survive in unhappy situations to preserve what little they can. He enjoys your company, he values the time he spends with you, but there isn’t any more room for you in his home or his life. He got the cart before the horse – build a home without a spouse.

And you have been enabling his turned-around-backwards lifestyle. Of *course* he doesn’t want kids or a wife – he would lose his home.

Pick a guy with a good character, that doesn’t spend so much time with single guys.

You didn’t mention your best friends, or how he interacted with them. Or even that you have good friends, female or otherwise. This raises a question about how much happy you are outside your relationship. We need balance and support, and practice interacting with close friends – acting appropriately, apologizing and making amends for mistakes, communicating and discussing values and dreams. If you want a mate and married life, you might consider whether all your friends should be single.

Your concern about feeling clingy could also be related to friendships. If he is the only person you can talk to about intimate feelings, it will be difficult to find a balance, to talk out what is important, and to hear yourself when you say something that seemed sensible but doesn’t sound that way when said out loud. You don’t want to share intimate details with others, that can be disloyal and a bad habit, besides keeping important feedback from a prospective partner. But that still leaves a lot of stuff to share with *respected* friends.

You likely feel bad about hurting him – hurting him with a surprise ending to the relationship, hurting him because he felt surprised and betrayed. We generally do feel remorse when we do something that hurts others, and we should do what we can to make amends. In this case, I wouldn’t think anything more than a simple card, “Sorry, I changed my mind. I won’t date you any more.” Don’t justify yourself to him, don’t explain what he did or didn’t do – that implies he could ‘change’ to start over again, and that won’t happen. If he persists, tell him *he* needs your father’s permission to date you. (Hopefully your father is responsible and wants a happy family life for you.) Send him alone to your father.

About feeling bad, you lost an important part of your life, even if it was your choice. You will grieve, Learn about the grieving process, find a counselor or someone that has been through loss. Without alcohol.

You mentioned the bars and parties that made up a big part of your social time with him. You probably already see that didn’t help anything develop, and the people around weren’t helping you build a family. Spend time learning to enjoy social activities without alcohol, and people with other interests than drinking. (You do realize, right, that social drinking has always been associated with easy sex, especially in the US – not families, right? From watching the movie ‘Snapper’ it might be different in the UK.)

Luck!