question markOn Thursday, Astelle wanted to know why her emotionally unavailable man (Mr Unavailable) kept returning her contact when he wasn’t interested. In a follow up to the advice I gave her, Astelle has some more questions

1. Is it Astelle he doesn’t want or he doesn’t want any woman?

He doesn’t want any woman. Emotionally unavailable men are caught up in themselves and trust me, even if it was Angelina Jolie, until he resolves his issues and decides to be available, he is not going to want to give himself. He likes the idea of being with you and likes you per se, but doesn’t actually like you enough to change. He is incapable of accessing his emotions and he purposefully keeps himself at a distance from everything that has the potential to tax him emotionally.

2. When he did see me for a few weeks at a time and then disappears, was this just a “fix” that he needs once in a while?

Pretty much yes. It’s an ego massage. Emotionally unavailable men are very of the moment and enjoy the short term fringe benefits but don’t actually want to contribute. When he had a spare moment or was going through an insecure phase, you were ideal. But then he’d realise he hadn’t changed or realise he’d got what he needed.

3. The first time we dated for a few months we spent a lot of time together, was this pretend or did he just happen to have time?

Emotionally unavailable men are all about the chase so it is not unusual to see a lot of them during the first few weeks or months. But at some point he either realised that it was all a bit too much for him, decided that he had too little time and too much pressures, or something about you sent a signal to him that you expected too much from him. The moment Mr Unavailable feels scared he’ll get to running.

4. The last time I saw him he was almost nasty to me, did he do that so that i will leave him alone and not contact him anymore?

Sometimes with Mr Unavailable, they are telepathically trying to tell you ‘Can’t you see that I ain’t sh*t! Can’t you see I’m not worth it! Can’t you see I’m using you! Take the hint woman! OK, you want to keep being there for me and being nice to me? I’m gonna be so mean to you tonight, you won’t want to see me again and if you do, you just prove to me that you’re not worthy anyway…’ Do you see where I’m headed with this? You can’t win. Let’s say that you hadn’t chased him, he would have been curious about you and chased you to see if it was an act and whether he could reel you in. Everything we do just confirms various beliefs that they have and no matter what, they always get to be right. Until you cut the contact with them permanently, that is the only time when they truly realise that you’re not interested.

5. I found his profile in 2006 on one of the free dating websites, why would he do that, is he jusrt looking for another woman to use? But then how does he “date” women if he doesn’t make contact? Is he waiting for the woman to make contact with him? Is he even dating?

Most emotionally unavailable men that like being online will have a dating profile somewhere. It’s just for attention. It’s not about meeting women. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that it is all about physically being with or seeing a woman. This is about attention and what women commonly refer to as creating a Narcissistic Harem collecting female ‘friends’, ‘acquaintances’, and ‘dates’ that he can always turn to for attention and an ego boost. Whatever he is doing, the dating online and his behaviour with you only further cements the fact that he is emotionally unavailable.

6. Since I am his Fallback girl, he has the “balls” to contact me when he gets DESPERATE? If so, why me? Why not find somebody new? Somebody that doesn’t know yet how screwed up he is.

He chooses you because you have put yourself at his service. You are the one who has cemented your role, not him. Yes his behaviour is shoddy but you chased and chased, even in the face of..nothing…or very little. If you really saw him for what he is, you wouldn’t be chasing him, hence the door is wide open for him to test the waters and come back into your life. He sees you as someone who must have her own issues if you are willing to put with his BS and not see him for what he is.

7. Since I cut contact in September 2007, does he know that I am done “playing”??

The key with ‘no contact’ is to maintain it and to move on with your life. He’ll know you’re done playing when more time than ever before has passed by without contact and/or when he attempts to make contact with you and you ignore it. The key to this is no contact means no contact whether you initiate it or he does. Wash your hands of him, delete his number, forget him, and move on.

I know that it is important that you understand what you have been dealing with but it is very important that you find closure with his behaviour and move on. You can’t rationalise the behaviour of emotionally unavailable men because you’re attempting to rationalise the irrational, fickle, self-centred behaviour of someone akin to a two year old…

This guy has some nice qualities but it’s about who he is overall. I’m sure there are murderers out there who can be polite, charming, kind (when it suits) but it doesn’t mean that they are appropriate relationship material. You have to think of him as he is and how he has treated you for the bulk of the time. Forget how he was in the beginning because the beginning was four years ago! Actions speak waaaaay louder than words and this mans actions show that he is emotionally unavailable, incapable of a relationship, and on planet HIM. You are emotionally unavailable too with issues about commitment and you need to deal with these if you really want to move forward.
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

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22 Responses to Advice: Help me understand how my emotionally unavailable man has been treating me

  1. Been There Done That says:

    I dated a man just like this. He treated me like crap for years and I let him. He honestly didn’t see anything wrong with treating me like that either. But when you do turn your back on these types and mean it, sometimes the meanness really comes out.

    He slashed all 4 of my car tires when I said see ya. An psycho unemotionally available idiot.

  2. gia says:

    Three words … Convenient Booty Call.

    Kick him to the curb, he does not deserve your time and energy. Click those heels and keep on walking girl, without a backward glance at him.

    Gia xx

  3. marcie says:

    Can you get any self respect back in the eyes of the unavailable man when you do decide to leave him?

  4. Astelle says:

    Marcie, I wouldn’t worry about what he thinks.
    I just stopped the contact, we never really
    “broke up” and I will never know what he thinks
    about me and I don’t care. I feel by cutting contact I got my self respect back.

  5. marcie says:

    After a few weeks of treating me like crap, i broke it off in an email and told him (married man) not to email or call me again. I just could not take the way he was treating me and the bottom line was that I am not a casual girl. I always wanted more and justified my actions by knowing that i was in love with him.

  6. Lia says:

    I believe that my 21 year old (ex) boyfriend is emotionally unavailable due to having a quarter life crisis. We are each other’s best friends, and I know that he is a good person. Should I still stick around and give him some support? Or continue to give him the no contact treatment? The bigger problem is that I’m still in love with him.

  7. I think the number one thing that you have to remember with an emotionally unavailable man, is that its NOT YOU that needs fixing its HIM.

    Sometimes when we get involved with them, we start wondering … “is there something that is wrong with me .. am i not good enough for him?”. This is extremly bad for your self eestem.

    Thats why i believe its really important to take a step back and see how this guy is really treating you.

    I know its hard, but you have to do your best to see him from an objective point of view. N the only way to do that .. is to not contact him as often. To not call him when you have to the urge to. Once he stops becoming such a big part of your life, ironically you begin to see more of who he really is .. without the rose tinted glasses …

    Hot Alpha Female

    http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

  8. jill says:

    Hi Guys…Wow. I am feeling the same way as a lot of other readers to this post. this guy I work with gave me all the signals that he was interested in me and getting to know me……Clue one. He never asked me about me and seemed to not want to get to know me better Clue two… He would always tell me to contact him and then only occasionally return calls or texts. Clue three…when he did make contact it would only be before seven at night……Duh..he was to hammered to respond ( closet alcoholic ) I ended up feeling confused..hurt..angry and questioning my self worth most of the time and the highs from the new relationship did not out weigh the lows. I know it is crushing to the old ego but its better to get let down all at once and move on than it is to continue to drag it out and feel miserable and made crazy over a long period of time. The biggest clue was when my best friend was diagnosed with 2 months to live and not once did he ask how she was doing or for that matter how I was doing. The signs were there but I made excuses for his behavior. Just because I wanted him to have potential didn’t mean that it was there. Go with you gut feelings…always go for the gut.

  9. debbie says:

    Broke up with a FWB after 3yrs. I found out that he was sleeping not to say he didn’t have the right to but at least have the decency of telling me. I blasted him out very bad told him things like how dare you s*** on me like this etc.. Other people tell me that even though I did all this and don’t want to see him anymore he’ll still try to contact me. Is this true?

  10. Sheila says:

    wow, kudos to all those answers about EUM and how they operate.. It is all too true, it’s actually scary!!! Try and recognize the fact that they are emotionally unavailable to any woman, so dont’ fret about the next one if there is one, she will deal with the same BS. Mine was exactly this.. self centered, him, him, and more him. Started this whirlwind relationship at 100 mph then suddenly pulled back after 6 months. I’m on about 2 1/2 weeks of NC. He has texted me twice,and I have replied once. I’m still sticking to my 2 1/2 week story though. LOL It’s liberating when he does text me, and when he does, he digs deep with a pix or a message only him and I would understand. Do they think we’re stupid? Well, I guess we are sometimes, but I’m on to him. As difficult as it has been, the pain is going away slowly but surely. I have even distanced myself from our mutual friend who actually introduced us b/c of the connection between them. It kills me to think he may know something about my ex guy that I don’t know. Too much, and probably too soon.
    I have absolutely no desire to contact him, I’m beyond that. Just still concentrating on dealing with the next message that comes in. That is much more difficult. But guess what? NOTHING CHANGES!!!!! I get the text “miss you”.. I should have responded, “SUCKS, HUH ASSHOLE”..

    Stay strong..

  11. Anonymous says:

    I had “acquaintance” with what I believe to be an EUM. Similar to Astelle’s story – come and go approx. every 6 weeks (I tracked it). I finally got tired of it and claimed all or nothing (not that I wanted a relationship with him anymore… but he can go on believing I do). Then he proceeded to act as if he thought I didn’t want a relationship. I felt like all my hurt and misery was downplayed to a slight ‘miscommunication’. Whatever helps him sleep at night I suppose. Now I realize that if I did say I didn’t want a relationship it’s because I was so darn confused by the time he finished manipulating me. I hope this is the end.

  12. Loving Annie says:

    Ow wow. That describes the cop I adored for 4 years to a “t” – and my blind behavior along with it.

    I’m just glad that I can read this, and not only understand it intellectually, but emotionally as well. I really get it.

    No more EUM’s for me.

    It took me until age 50 to learn it.

    And I have the rest of my life ahead of me now with either something being reciprocal at every step of the way – or me not being interested.

    I also like the part about no contact means not responding to theirs either.

  13. Cindy says:

    I didn’t even know about EUM’s until I read this site and now I am certain that I have had a narrow escape…

    My EUM had pursued me over a course of 18 years but throughout that time one or the other of us (usually me) was in a relationship with someone else so it never got off the ground. A few months ago we bumped into each other and we were both single (I had just ended an 11 year relationship, he had come out of a 2 year long distance relationship – his most significant relationship to date and we are both in our mid-thirties). We started seeing each other and it was good at first although I found it strange that he didn’t seem to ask me much about myself or try to get to know me better. He seemed to “distance” himself from me, but I put this down to shyness. He then told me, after having spent a fabulous weekend at mine, that he was worried we were slipping into a relationship and he isn’t ready because he’s been hurt by his ex and that it’s bad timing etc. I simply couldn’t understand how he could sit there and say he has liked me for years and years and he was clearly upset yet not feel able to give us a try (until I read this site!). The whole two months I spent with him were so confusing and he even made me feel guilty for thinking that we could possibly have a relationship but he seemed happy to go along with it up to the point where the relationship word was discussed. I have been thinking all the time about what is wrong with me, what did I do or say that would make him not want to give us a try after all this time??? Why do I feel like he wants to but can’t let himself?

  14. Karina says:

    OMG! Where was this article when I needed it most. I dealt with a very very similar situation for only 3 months. Trust me, it was enough time to give this man the BOOT. Not only was he emotionally unavailable, but living in his past and lamenting for whatever reason. As naive as this might sound, but I never thought that I would be meeting someone like this. Thankfully, it didn’t hurt me as much as I thought it would. At the end, I felt disappointed and turned-off to see how can anybody behave so immature.

  15. Astelle says:

    Karina, I am glad that you got out and not waste time on him!
    No, you don’t sound naive at all to me, this story is my story and I am happy for anybody be able to relate to and get out – not like me and waste time! Living in his past, OMG, I can so relate, he didn’t notice yet that the 90’s have gone.

  16. womble says:

    ok so how do you get over being with mr unavailable i have loved someone for 17yrs have finally got together with them after we both married and split have had 2 years of the whole on off stuff and just had the courage to walk

  17. mariposa says:

    Hey Womble,
    Are you on TOW. I think I saw you there.

  18. womble says:

    Tow ?

  19. mariposa says:

    TOW…The Other Woman. There somebody posting there under womble. It’s not a common name.

  20. Astelle says:

    Womble, No Contact and time will get you over him.

    Mariposa, I don’t know what you mean by your comment?

  21. womble says:

    Marisposa . . not me on TOW never was the other woman unless you count his kids.

    Astelle… i try this every time and every time he comes back bigger and better then a month if that bang pulling back again. My lease is up in april i should consider moving …. this roundabout has to stop somehow.

  22. Bin N Dun says:

    Rollercoaster ride to nowhere. Had four years of of give and take–I gave, he took…then took more! Always had me phone him (LDR & LD rates mind you!). He’d actually ring my phone, then I was to call back. Finally, he gets PO’d because if my phone was off, he had to spend a few cents when it went to voicemail. Said he wasn’t calling me anymore because it cost too much to get my voicemail? I spent thousands of $$$ over the years, but he was complaining. I had to pay all plane fares to see him…he NEVER visited me on my turf. I still put up with this and many other abuses. He called me names, flew into rages over nothing, and berated me constantly when I did visit. Chatted up and complimented other women in front of me, then denied he’d done it. Got drunk a few weeks back, and called all thrilled about a couple of skanks at the lodge who were supposedly moving on him in front of their SO’s (one was married the other had a live in boyfriend). Told me it made him feel SO good they were giving him attention, and no wonder since he’s mid fifties, sick, bald and overweight, but what sort of classless woman does that in front of her SO? The final straw was during the same conversation he made a suggestion of a threesome with my best friend. No more possibility of trust after that. No trust=no LDR. Now he sending music & been trying to get ME to call…yeah right! Guess his dialing finger broke looong ago. More like can’t shake any change outta his pockets.Talk to the skanks…I have too many other decent men who want to talk to me as options.Haven’t even bothered to tell him I’m out…not too sure I owe him any explanation! These are only a FEW small things I put up with, but put up with it I did…wotta waste of time. If you think you’re being taken for granted, get out! They only test more and more boundaries when they’re narcissistic.

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!