Comments on: Advice: Help me understand how my emotionally unavailable man has been treating me

By: Bin N Dun

Bin N Dun — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 00:02:38 +0000

Rollercoaster ride to nowhere. Had four years of of give and take–I gave, he took…then took more! Always had me phone him (LDR & LD rates mind you!). He’d actually ring my phone, then I was to call back. Finally, he gets PO’d because if my phone was off, he had to spend a few cents when it went to voicemail. Said he wasn’t calling me anymore because it cost too much to get my voicemail? I spent thousands of $$$ over the years, but he was complaining. I had to pay all plane fares to see him…he NEVER visited me on my turf. I still put up with this and many other abuses. He called me names, flew into rages over nothing, and berated me constantly when I did visit. Chatted up and complimented other women in front of me, then denied he’d done it. Got drunk a few weeks back, and called all thrilled about a couple of skanks at the lodge who were supposedly moving on him in front of their SO’s (one was married the other had a live in boyfriend). Told me it made him feel SO good they were giving him attention, and no wonder since he’s mid fifties, sick, bald and overweight, but what sort of classless woman does that in front of her SO? The final straw was during the same conversation he made a suggestion of a threesome with my best friend. No more possibility of trust after that. No trust=no LDR. Now he sending music & been trying to get ME to call…yeah right! Guess his dialing finger broke looong ago. More like can’t shake any change outta his pockets.Talk to the skanks…I have too many other decent men who want to talk to me as options.Haven’t even bothered to tell him I’m out…not too sure I owe him any explanation! These are only a FEW small things I put up with, but put up with it I did…wotta waste of time. If you think you’re being taken for granted, get out! They only test more and more boundaries when they’re narcissistic.

By: womble

womble — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 07:53:12 +0000

Marisposa . . not me on TOW never was the other woman unless you count his kids.

Astelle… i try this every time and every time he comes back bigger and better then a month if that bang pulling back again. My lease is up in april i should consider moving …. this roundabout has to stop somehow.

By: Astelle

Astelle — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:39:13 +0000

Womble, No Contact and time will get you over him.

Mariposa, I don’t know what you mean by your comment?

By: mariposa

mariposa — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:35:26 +0000

TOW…The Other Woman. There somebody posting there under womble. It’s not a common name.

By: womble

womble — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:28:44 +0000

Tow ?

By: mariposa

mariposa — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:25:33 +0000

Hey Womble,
Are you on TOW. I think I saw you there.

By: womble

womble — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:17:57 +0000

ok so how do you get over being with mr unavailable i have loved someone for 17yrs have finally got together with them after we both married and split have had 2 years of the whole on off stuff and just had the courage to walk

By: Astelle

Astelle — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 04:00:03 +0000

Karina, I am glad that you got out and not waste time on him!
No, you don’t sound naive at all to me, this story is my story and I am happy for anybody be able to relate to and get out – not like me and waste time! Living in his past, OMG, I can so relate, he didn’t notice yet that the 90’s have gone.

By: Karina

Karina — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 01:21:51 +0000

OMG! Where was this article when I needed it most. I dealt with a very very similar situation for only 3 months. Trust me, it was enough time to give this man the BOOT. Not only was he emotionally unavailable, but living in his past and lamenting for whatever reason. As naive as this might sound, but I never thought that I would be meeting someone like this. Thankfully, it didn’t hurt me as much as I thought it would. At the end, I felt disappointed and turned-off to see how can anybody behave so immature.

By: Cindy

Cindy — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 13:55:31 +0000

I didn’t even know about EUM’s until I read this site and now I am certain that I have had a narrow escape…

My EUM had pursued me over a course of 18 years but throughout that time one or the other of us (usually me) was in a relationship with someone else so it never got off the ground. A few months ago we bumped into each other and we were both single (I had just ended an 11 year relationship, he had come out of a 2 year long distance relationship – his most significant relationship to date and we are both in our mid-thirties). We started seeing each other and it was good at first although I found it strange that he didn’t seem to ask me much about myself or try to get to know me better. He seemed to “distance” himself from me, but I put this down to shyness. He then told me, after having spent a fabulous weekend at mine, that he was worried we were slipping into a relationship and he isn’t ready because he’s been hurt by his ex and that it’s bad timing etc. I simply couldn’t understand how he could sit there and say he has liked me for years and years and he was clearly upset yet not feel able to give us a try (until I read this site!). The whole two months I spent with him were so confusing and he even made me feel guilty for thinking that we could possibly have a relationship but he seemed happy to go along with it up to the point where the relationship word was discussed. I have been thinking all the time about what is wrong with me, what did I do or say that would make him not want to give us a try after all this time??? Why do I feel like he wants to but can’t let himself?

By: Loving Annie

Loving Annie — Thu, 22 May 2008 01:45:36 +0000

Ow wow. That describes the cop I adored for 4 years to a “t” – and my blind behavior along with it.

I’m just glad that I can read this, and not only understand it intellectually, but emotionally as well. I really get it.

No more EUM’s for me.

It took me until age 50 to learn it.

And I have the rest of my life ahead of me now with either something being reciprocal at every step of the way – or me not being interested.

I also like the part about no contact means not responding to theirs either.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:58:21 +0000

I had “acquaintance” with what I believe to be an EUM. Similar to Astelle’s story – come and go approx. every 6 weeks (I tracked it). I finally got tired of it and claimed all or nothing (not that I wanted a relationship with him anymore… but he can go on believing I do). Then he proceeded to act as if he thought I didn’t want a relationship. I felt like all my hurt and misery was downplayed to a slight ‘miscommunication’. Whatever helps him sleep at night I suppose. Now I realize that if I did say I didn’t want a relationship it’s because I was so darn confused by the time he finished manipulating me. I hope this is the end.

By: Sheila

Sheila — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:23:21 +0000

wow, kudos to all those answers about EUM and how they operate.. It is all too true, it’s actually scary!!! Try and recognize the fact that they are emotionally unavailable to any woman, so dont’ fret about the next one if there is one, she will deal with the same BS. Mine was exactly this.. self centered, him, him, and more him. Started this whirlwind relationship at 100 mph then suddenly pulled back after 6 months. I’m on about 2 1/2 weeks of NC. He has texted me twice,and I have replied once. I’m still sticking to my 2 1/2 week story though. LOL It’s liberating when he does text me, and when he does, he digs deep with a pix or a message only him and I would understand. Do they think we’re stupid? Well, I guess we are sometimes, but I’m on to him. As difficult as it has been, the pain is going away slowly but surely. I have even distanced myself from our mutual friend who actually introduced us b/c of the connection between them. It kills me to think he may know something about my ex guy that I don’t know. Too much, and probably too soon.
I have absolutely no desire to contact him, I’m beyond that. Just still concentrating on dealing with the next message that comes in. That is much more difficult. But guess what? NOTHING CHANGES!!!!! I get the text “miss you”.. I should have responded, “SUCKS, HUH ASSHOLE”..

Stay strong..

By: debbie

debbie — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 11:19:49 +0000

Broke up with a FWB after 3yrs. I found out that he was sleeping not to say he didn’t have the right to but at least have the decency of telling me. I blasted him out very bad told him things like how dare you s*** on me like this etc.. Other people tell me that even though I did all this and don’t want to see him anymore he’ll still try to contact me. Is this true?

By: jill

jill — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 13:12:34 +0000

Hi Guys…Wow. I am feeling the same way as a lot of other readers to this post. this guy I work with gave me all the signals that he was interested in me and getting to know me……Clue one. He never asked me about me and seemed to not want to get to know me better Clue two… He would always tell me to contact him and then only occasionally return calls or texts. Clue three…when he did make contact it would only be before seven at night……Duh..he was to hammered to respond ( closet alcoholic ) I ended up feeling confused..hurt..angry and questioning my self worth most of the time and the highs from the new relationship did not out weigh the lows. I know it is crushing to the old ego but its better to get let down all at once and move on than it is to continue to drag it out and feel miserable and made crazy over a long period of time. The biggest clue was when my best friend was diagnosed with 2 months to live and not once did he ask how she was doing or for that matter how I was doing. The signs were there but I made excuses for his behavior. Just because I wanted him to have potential didn’t mean that it was there. Go with you gut feelings…always go for the gut.