The issue is not whether to dump this guy – do, go cold turkey No Contact Rules, because he won’t change – but to figure out why you don’t love and like yourself enough to recognize, and avoid, disrespect.

Seriously. Are you having fun in your relationship? Fun, as in joy in seeing him, hearing him speak, holding him. Fun as in looking forward to seeing him, cherishing time together, and fondly remembering him when he isn’t there. You should have *all* of that, now. No one deserves less.

He is the way he is, and won’t be changing. If you are having fun, then you need to accept the realities of your relationship, and stop complaining. If you aren’t having fun, you need to know why he means enough to you, today, for you to continue to give him time and attention. Because otherwise you are likely to dump him – and pick another that you are drawn to, that will be the same bundle of disrespect and laziness and discourtesy.

You cannot *earn* his respect, not when you are so busy enabling his addictive, anti-social behavior. You are rewarding his discourtesy and financial issues. Because you pay for him, you establish that you do the paying in your relationship. You are continuously training him to continue as he has been doing. Hint: There is little honor in a man that deceives others – such as his ability to pay child support. If he is avoiding child support to spite his ex – that is an emotional attachment of anger, that means he isn’t over that relationship – he isn’t available, and is injured from his relationship with his ex, and hasn’t healed yet. Find someone healthy, and demand a healthy relationship.

It hurt immensely when I realized that his actions were saying that he doesn’t think I am worth more of an effort. But it is very true, just because someone thinks that doesn’t not mean that their thinking is just. What it did mean is that my guy was not for me and this guy you describe is not for you.

I also fret about the fact that he’ll fall in love and be very good to the next girl that comes around. Yes – that stings. But – I just keep telling myself that it is of no concern to me because he is OUT of my life. Unfortunately he works at my company so I have to see him now and then. But we do not have to work with each other on the same transactions so it’s easy to avoid him. However, the idea that he’s there, in the same building does make things difficult.

In any event, what you can learn from this and what I have learned is that if a guy doesn’t start making an effort within the first month or two – he’s not going to come around. And it’s true – if we put up with it – it’s like we are endorsing their behavior and maybe they do question if we are worth it because we put up with it. I frankly, don’t think either my ex or your soon to be ex is that deep – I think they are selfish children and are really only thinking of themselves.

Good luck – there is someone better out there for you!

joyangel123
http://gatesofrighteousness.blogspot.com

Brad, while the situation you describe (Depression) is a very real problem in many cases (and sounds like it was very real for Lex), I think you’re wrong about this particular one. Notice that the guy is not completely unwilling to go out and “have fun” – he was perfectly happy to go to his ex-girlfriend’s party, and to the strip club. He is simply unwilling to go out and have fun WITH THE GIRL HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE DATING. Sounds to me like she’s conenient for sex and an ego stroke, but he can’t be bothered to “waste” any sort of actual effort on her.

Dear Writer,
You deserve better. It may seem to you that when you fix these guys up then they’re “perfect” for the next girl, but remember that perfect for her may not be the same as perfect for you. The other girl may just be more willing to ignore the crap, OR doesn’t put up with any of it, and that may be what really holds him. In any case, keep in mind that while you’re holding on to this schmuck, it’s quite possible that the really right for you guys are walking past, because you’re not available…
I say leave, give yourself a little time to heal and learn to value yourself, then when you’re ready, let one of the good guys in. Best of Luck, girl.

Anyway, after a year of this type of behaviour and suffering at the hands of his neglect, I started to feel isolated and unloved. But moreover I knew I’d lost my own self worth. I was so busy trying to ‘fix’ him, I accepted his neglect, his mood swings, his general disinterest in our relationship. Yet at the same time he was terribly dependent on me for pretty much everything. It was take, take, take with him and I got absolutely nothing in return.

I made the decision to leave. That was four months ago. It’s been a battle trying to re-build my battered self confidence but I’m getting there, and i’m glad I made the jump. No man should ever make you feel worthless, the biggest thing you can do for yourself is to leave. I’m sorry, but he won’t change. It’s clear he’s not ready to comitt to the relationship, underlying issues within himself will make him unavaiable to you and probably to the next girl. You can’t put your life on hold hoping you can fix him, because only he can do that.

I learned a simpler rule. The relationship is 100% her responsibility (bear with me, I’m not done yet), and it is all on his terms (hang on, I will get there!). His responsibility is to *leave* if it isn’t fun for him.

Think about this a moment – if it isn’t fun for him, he didn’t make it worth her while to care how he felt. Essentially, both have to be enjoying themselves, being connected and interested in each other’s comfort and welfare.

My point? At the very least, your guy is irresponsible. That violates one of the prime rules for picking a mate – disciplined, honorable, loyal.

Once you make commitments, have kids, etc., there are other forces and rules. But you are supposed to enjoy yourself most of the time as you get closer to being serious about each other.

There are a couple of other things that I think are affecting your guy. One is depression. Depression is *not* a mood, or a choice. It often feels like a lack of energy, feels like being tired. And depressed people tend to retreat to their room/home, often with low lights or curtains drawn. The other concern is that certain groups of people – family, friends, etc. – may cause him acute distress, at the treatable, psychological level. Whether the crowds or depression, he may have some deep seated reasons for retreating from social events. Or maybe just bad experiences in school. Performing therapy is a very good and generous thing to do. But you cannot do therapy, ‘fix’ him, on someone you are dating.

Psychological therapists are barred by law from treating family or close friends. The risk for you is even simpler – change is chaotic. He needs help to accommodate a more worldly social life. That is a change. Change is painful, it always requires a ‘little death’, a clearing away of part or all of the previous life (this is one of the burdens of starting a diet, quitting cigarettes). You will be the instituting change, making you the villain causing pain.

And while you may actually get him to change – no one can predict just what the change will be. You won’t know until the change if you will even *welcome* that particular change. But the odds of him still liking you are pretty low.

Which brings us back to NML’s ‘you can’t change him’.

You should have known in the first month that his social values, his interest in leaving the house (bedroom?) are about nil. And you should have wished him well and gone your own way. Which would still be about the most positive, wisest thing you can do. Your sole alternative is to become a hermit, and closet up with the dude – but you would have to change to do that, go through the pain, and might not like him or yourself afterward.

Wish him well. Move on.

Luck.