I admit that the question I asked him after the wedding was inappropriate and insensitive. We had all had too much to drink and were all a bit upset, and I do take responsibility for that.

As for not really engaging myself or paying attention to his troubles, I engaged myself totally with this man. I spent a lot of quality time with his friends, family, and most importantly his children. I listened to him talk about his marriage and what went wrong. I put up with hearing things said about myself that were not true and quite hurtful. I spent hours with his daughter in her bedroom playing and drawing. I accompanied him to his family parties and his parents house for dinner, when he would never come to mine.

I agree that he should have done his grieving and mending before he got involved, which was both our mistake, and again I take part responsibility for this. The fact remains that I was also involved in the relationship and had a right to have my feelings and needs heard too.

If he had realised sooner than me that I wasn’t ‘a good mate for him’ then he should have called it off there and then instead of letting me get attached to his family, and not carried on sleeping with me and using me as an ego boost and to get back at his ex.

Astelle: INTP is a personality type in the Myers Briggs typology. It stands for Introverted-Intuitive-Thinking-Perceiving. If you google Myers-Briggs you can learn more about the 16 different types.

You approached the guy in a bar – then claimed you wanted to go slow. Your actions don’t agree with what you say. You don’t say what attracted you – whether he was the hurt-puppy fixer upper, whether he was cute, or whether he noticed you (that is, accessible). We seldom pick up dates in bars because we respect and admire their character.

You claimed to want a mate, a long term relationship, a home and family. Yet you explain that he wanted you to meet the people in his life. That seems to show you didn’t ever bond with him, accept him, or feel yourself bound to a relationship.

You describe months of engaging with the guy, yet when he gets emotional regarding his kids, your first and most pressing thought, rather than respect for his feelings or comfort, is selfish. Now that he has already had a rocky, public or semi-public emotional display, you want to turn it into a ‘me’ question – do you want to have kids with me? I don’t think this is something a mate, a partner would do.

What ended the relationship was that he was hurt and grieving when you met him, when he should have been left to finish healing, first. You let him drive the pace of the relationship – who to meet – but didn’t really engage yourself. You didn’t pay attention to the problems he had, and weren’t honest with yourself when you found that this relationship wasn’t working for you.

And, ‘The Question’? The one at the wedding? This just brought home to him that you weren’t a good mate for him – something you should have known all along.

I now have the same question as Kim: is my guy like this due to circumstances? or is it some innate personality trait (he’s a Capricorn and INTP for whatever that’s worth) – NOT in touch with his feelings in the least.

His wife cheated, incidentally, because she got no emotional connection from my ex. I met the other man once – and was shocked to meet an incredibly warm, open, connected, man. Total opposite of my reserved, aloof, non-sentimental ex.