Comments on: Advice: Where did I go wrong? The trap of the emotionally unavailable, inconsistent woman

By: Steven McCormack

Steven McCormack — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:21:10 +0000

Not sure where my comment fits in to any immediate discussion, though felt in general that my recent experience is worth sharing. I wanted to give voice to gay men out there, who find themselves with other gay men…who are still married to their wives. There was no secret about it when I met him online. As a divorced man and father myself, who experienced a less than amiacable divorve, i viewed his situation as potentially healing for me. Embracing not only him, but his supportive wifa and children as well.
Our overall loving and romantic relationship was hampered by a theme that kept rearing it’s head over and over again..and in different forms. Namely: YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO! After 2 years, and numerous seperations it all finally clicked. My final words: My love cannot flourish under these circumstances. I remain still somewhat stunned by the reality that some are either unwilling or unable to grow. I realize now how love and desire can blind you to unavailability. It wasn’t easy, but I take pride that I DID THE RIGHT THING. Thanks for letting me share.

By: webgurl

webgurl — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 04:40:03 +0000

I tend to agree with you cheekie1969 about kids and dating. I can remember meeting my divorced parents many dates. A situation I found uncomfortable and no doubt added to my cynicism about love and romance that I struggle with today. I think you should only make introductions if this person is someone you would consider making a commitment to and if not carefully explain the nature of your relationship to the kids so they won’t be confused like I was. That woman fits the bill as classic wishy washy woman…good riddance I say and better luck next time.

By: cheekie1969

cheekie1969 — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 16:29:35 +0000

I prefer to think of it as ‘mama bear’ rather than ‘shield’.

Nada, agree with the online dating comment.
Another point to make is that number ONE rule with internet dating is always meet them at the restaurant/bar/club/movie. NEVER EVER have them pick you up at your house. Ever. I mean EVER. At least for a long long while, and this is especially important if you have kids.
So, again, it’s another reason why you might hold off with introductions in a case like this for a good length of time. Meet his friends, family – anyone! first. Then introduce him to your family. Namely kids. You really can’t take any risks with this stuff.

I have had the very unfortunate experience of being stalked by a guy I met online. Of course, when I first met him he was sweet, gentle, romantic…a professional, athletic guy who seemed very down to earth. That went terribly wrong about a week into it, and my spidey senses told me not to give out too much info. I am so glad to this day that he only had my first name and cell number. PHEW!

So, until one is in the position of being a Mama (or Papa) Bear themselves, you can’t judge based on that at all. You really don’t know.
And it isn’t like I am going to ask my dates on the first outing ‘ hey, are you a stalker by any chance?’…LOL (for many reasons not the least of which is a real stalker will say no)

By: Nada

Nada — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 19:47:32 +0000

cheekie: totally agree.
As a general comment, the whole online dating thing is very different from what people who are single after a long term relationship are used to. It is difficult to adjust to the concept of getting to know somebody without actually having met them, and one ends up expecting to start a relationship after a few, however intimate, phone calls, which tends to be bad news.

By: Sar

Sar — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 17:51:39 +0000

This woman had severe issues. Three days is not a long time to not call someone you haven’t met in person. No matter what you did she would be inconsistent and you are lucky that it did not go further. I had such a bad experience online and it took a year to get over it. Disturbed people can play because of that false connection and the ease of lying online. The internet is full of disturbed and confused people. The more disturbed people you allow in your space, the lower your self-esteem goes and then you become even more of a target for predators. Disconnect at the first sign of inconsistency and move on.

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 22:10:07 +0000

Cheekie, It seems we actually agree, mostly. You are one of those that shield the kids from Mom’s dates – that works well for many families. I have also seen other strategies work as well or as badly.

By: cheekie1969

cheekie1969 — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 17:57:55 +0000

P.S. I would never use my son to ‘evaluate’ any man I was dating. I would do my own evaluation based on my love, caring and compassion for all involved. I know my son well enough to know that if I am happy, he is happy. It is my job as his mother to ensure that anyone I choose to bring into his life will be the best possible influence to him, but especially me. Do they need to get along?! OF COURSE! but, I wouldn’t put a guy through that test, and any guy I choose would have passed it long before it anyway….

By: cheekie1969

cheekie1969 — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 17:54:18 +0000

Hi Brad, guess who?
I have to completely and totally disagree with your comment.
I am a single mother, of an 8yr old boy, and I do NOT introduce him to anyone I have only been on one date with and known for less than a month. Unless of course this person is a friend he had known prior.

This is absolutely NO indication of commitment on the woman’s part, nor any other single mother’s part. This is taking your child’s emotional health to heart, and not making your front door appear to be a turnstile for dates to them. It is about mutual respect between mother and child.

To expect that there was a ‘relationship’ between Craig and this woman’s children is completely unrealistic given the circumstances. Furthermore, introducing your children to a man does denote commitment, but not with someone you met online! Safety first Brad!

Case in point:
I was dating a man I have known for quite some time, nothing very serious, but it was mutually exclusive (which by the way I always am and state so upfront), so after a month or so, I felt comfortable introducing my son to him.

It was very casual, very no pressure, and they got along well. No expectations on my part of anyone or anything. Because it was done MY way as my child’s mother.

After a child goes through a divorce, even a very amicable one such as mine, you still have to tread very very carefully. Children have very black and white, cut and dried views on relationships, and having to disappoint them with “sorry sweetie, Mommy and ____ aren’t friends any more” is just too much BS for a kid.

Just fyi. So please all you men out there dating single mom’s, don’t push this issue, and please do not assume what Brad says about not introducing you to be correct. Give it time!!!

NML, very very good response to Craig. You were 100% correct. Texting should be illegal anyway. Especially after a pint. I am having a breathalyser installed on my cell

xo
cheekie

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 04:29:08 +0000

Craig, you didn’t describe your relationship with her kids. You realize nothing can happen with her, in a long-term sense, without a relationship between you and her kids, don’t you? Some single mothers ‘shield’ their kids from their dates, some use the kids to evaluate the guy, others fall somewhere between. If you aren’t getting face time with the kids, she considers you expendable. And ‘I am OK with her kids’ just doesn’t come close to making the grade with Mom.

I had some other thoughts on my blog
http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2007/12/06/where-craig-went-wrong-on-baggage-reclaim-or-did-he/

Basically, I don’t think she was ready to make sense with anyone, yet.