Comments on: Advice: Know When Your Relationshop is Doomed/Know your value!

By: Rainy

Rainy — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 10:58:17 +0000

whats the most painful thing for me to digest is my MM left me with his own choice…not that he had no choice or he couldn’t have set up some place for me in his life…but he left me becoz he wanted to leave me, he ditched me with his choice and its so painful to know tht he is much more happier without me…the feeling that he doesnt want me is so overwhelming at times….

By: Rainy

Rainy — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 10:51:50 +0000

I agree we should quit and try to treat ourselves with dignity and worthwhile, but how do I change the fact that I let my MM treat me like shit, I kept falling back on him and tried getting him back in every way possible. Now I am in NC not becoz I have a choice, but becoz he slipped away from my life. He disappeared and he never responds to my email or text or phonecalls anymore…even if he does, he is always busy and has no time for me. I did decide finally to get my scattered sanity in place and to quit for once and for all having mercy on myself to finish this pain of endless hidea n seek with him…but at the end of the day, I still feel like a fool for chasing him endlessly and now I had to give up as I am left with no choice. I want to feel that I dumped him and not the other way. I want to feel tht i backed off, but i feel miserable with this constant feeling tht he didn’t want me, and he got bored and maybe never loved me…he was just using me to get distracted from his problems in life…and I never had any role in his life…i was treated like a minor convenience when he needed an outlet, and now tht he is more busy, he discarded me…..I wish for once I could change the tables, I wish he would contact me atleast once and I am able to tell him tht I don’t want him anymore, I am happier and healthier without him and for once, just once ….i really want him to get in touch with me so I can tell him to get lost and then maybe I can forgive myself for stooping so low and losing all my self respect…….i really hope so………really do!

By: Rekindling Relationships: To light or put out the old flame Â» The guide to single living, dating, relationships and of course, man taming.

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 17:15:52 +0000

[...] Caroline posted a comment asking for advice as to whether she should rekindle a relationship from the past. Regular readers may remember her from a few weeks back when I posted a response to her highly dysfunctional relationship with a manipulator suggesting she take time out, getting to understand herself and her love choices. Since then Caroline has ditched the manipulator but has found herself spending time with an ex boyfriend. [...]

By: Caroline

Caroline — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 12:15:24 +0000

hey Brad, thanks for your valuable comments too, in fact by the time I was 14, I had left my Mum and was living with my alcoholic father who was very abusive to me for 2 years, verbally and emotionally. I then met, got pregnant with and married my daughters father at 21, straight after my degree, he was violent and awful to me. I have had a few relationships since, and have been treated really well, but it would be fair to say I never felt that passion with these nice guys. Thats not to say I like being treated like dirt, Im a bit of a Jekll and Hyde, part of me knows my worth, therefore I did end this relationship, but part of me is extremely emotional and finds it hard to deal with the aftermath, excrutiatingly hard some days. Just driving by and seeing his car is enough to make me feel sick to the pit of my stomach…I mean hello, why? Why do I feel jealous that he is with someone else? When it clearly wasnt working with me anyway, I was not happy…Why do I sometimes feel like I’ld never let him go, that it was my fault….I really dont know, I have to do a lot of talking to myself every morning to remind myself of the reality of the day, all I know is the sadness I feel, huge, massive, and for the first time in absolutely years, and dont get me wrong, I resent feeling this over someone who so clearly isn’t worth it, so Im fighting it now, not indulging it, every step of the way. I am religious by the way, Catholic, so I’ll look that film up.

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 02:49:41 +0000

NML,

This was a no brainer. Caroline knew, clearly, before asking for ‘advice’ that she was in trouble, the guy she has a crush on is trouble, and there is no daylight in sight. If Caroline had been happy and secure in her relationship, she would be living a happy life, not asking for advice.

I think the real disconnect here, is that so few people really know what a healthy relationship looks like. By the time they are 10, 12, or especially 14, girls should be told ‘find a guy that will be a dependable, honest parent for your children.’ Instead all we know of ‘relationships’ are the games, shenanigans, gossip, and deceits we learn from TV and that we seen in the halls at school. Unfortunately, the girls without a good understanding of why their parent’s relationship is healthy, or don’t have a healthy relationship to learn from, are trapped into the juvenile barbarism that so many of us encountered in school.

When the lead players on the football team can trample school and legal rules and laws, and still be honored for anything, we teach girls that ‘bad boys’ are OK, and that boys will be boys. We teach our kids to abuse, and that abuse is almost expected.

No wonder Caroline finds herself torn between a guy she has bonded with, that uses her as if she were a minor convenience, and a glimmer of hope that there is a better way to live. Caroline, talk to your pastor or priest, and ask what a good relationship should look and feel like, to introduce you to some good people that are good to each other.

The movie ‘Holy Matrimony’ comes to mind. Patricia Arquette is trying to sober up in the bath tub if a resort room, and her ‘husband’ lists the virtues of a husband, including ‘good with children and animals’, ‘his word is golden’. Whether you are religious or not, the fact remains that the discipline, integrity, and caring spirit of a co-parent will make the most dependable and rewarding date. All the Caroline’s out there deserve nothing less.

By: Caroline

Caroline — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 13:15:46 +0000

NML,
thankyou so much for the reply, its something else to read it from someone who has read the story very objectively. I didn’t mention my age, Im 35, and old enough to know better!!! He’s 41 now. The truth of the matter is, I thought I loved myself much more than I do, and you’re right, I should have acted on what my gut feelings were right from the start. Interestingly enough, I referred to him as manipulative, he couldn’t see it and referred to me as a control-freak!! I have come to the conclusion that no more contact is best for me, I’ve already lost self-respect by engaging in contact with him for the last five months, and Im not sure that I can really salvage that…We live in a very small place, I dare say he feels at liberty now to text/phone, theres a huge part of me that would like to tell him to fxxkoff, but then I think, don’t lower yourself. Im not sure how to react if I see him, though if he phones or texts. I will ignore ignore ignore. I read a lot of your advice yesetrday, and it has given me the reminder I needed that underneath, this girlie idiotic wreck, I am a strong woman really…just fell for the wrong one..Thankyou thankyou thankyou, I’ll keep coming back.

just me jen thanks for your comments too, in actual fact he did say he wanted to marry me, he said he knew why he’d never been married before, because I was the girl he’d always wanted to meet. Even the day I asked him to leave he said he had seen me walking down the aisle. He tried to convince the woman he was with before me to have her tubes untied to have a baby, he was with her from when he was on day release until he was free, 16 months. I don’t fall into the catagory of his usual type, I work, Im degree-educated, a home-owner, car-owner, but someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and trusts and romanticises far too much. The girl he has moved on to, if he’s to be believed, got pregnant in two secs, though it was ‘an accident’, and the relationship breakdown we had was my fault coz I didnt want a baby!!!! Like I said to him, it seems to me you just want a baby, it doesn’t matter who with, I want more than that from a man. I love your advice and am just so grateful for it, Im filling up my social calendar and fighting hard to get my spirit back, coz I’ve wasted enough of my time on the loser…

By: just-me-jen

just-me-jen — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 11:45:03 +0000

Yikes!!!
I agree, Caroline – RUN. Cut off all contact with this guy – he’s definitely bad news.
And one point that NML didn’t mention: The guy saying he loved you and wanted you to have a baby with him – notice he didn’t say he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, and he didn’t say he wanted to marry you. Guys like this have kids as some sort of ego boost, and nothing more. He doesn’t get girls pregnant because he wants to actually BE a father – he just wants to prove that he’s some kind of stud.
From what you’ve written, he has treated you all along as if you don’t matter, and he has manipulated you every step of the way. Get rid of him and learn to be good to yourself. THEN you’ll be ready to be found by a man who honestly loves you and treats you right.