So true. Unfortunately, when we are hurting we yearn for some comfort. We hope that somehow, in some way we are interpreting the situation incorrectly. Often, we aren’t.

I agree with NML and others on this one. Walk away and down beat yourself up for having some strong feelings about it. Allow yourself the time to heal but move on.

I agree that there is little to gain in confronting your ex. He isn’t taking care of what matters to you, and you might not be hearing what is important to him.

But I think there are a couple of mistakes you might have made, that you might want to think about. One mistake is to assume that you are giving appropriately.

It is really, immensely tough to give a meaningful gift. A gift that will be appreciated for the gift’s sake as well as who the gift is from. You have to know the recipient very well to give a treasured gift. You comment that you didn’t want to just get wasted all the time. While it is possible that being wasted is really what he valued, the likelihood that he enjoyed the company, or the social interaction, or nostalgia — whatever, there were probably other feelings and desires associated with the act of getting wasted that appealed to him. Your dismissing the whole action is disrespectful of his feelings. You become a couple by learning about one another – all about one another. On the other hand, if he is regularly under the influence, you probably have an addict of some kind, and you are enabling his continued destructive behavior, and a person unable to tell the truth. Why would you risk yourself by associating with someone spreading destruction about themselves, and why would you compromise your own worth by contributing to something destructive?

Back to gifts. I took a weekend retreat in California. They told us to give our girl a gift. Something that actually meant something to her, something meaningful. Doing dishes each night might be one gift, but might not, depending on whether she treasured the time for planning the next meals, reviewing her day, relaxing — or spent the whole time resenting working while you relax in the other room. So you have to *know* what she wants. It appears you skipped that step, with getting into the decorating and cooking at his place. Your explanation sounds like you are confusing polite acceptance on his part with actual enjoyment and appreciation. Actions speak louder than words. We were also told that weekend that women are much smarter than men. Women can discuss emotions intelligently, while men communicate in well placed grunts and pokes. You heard what you wanted to hear, and didn’t respect what he was actually expressing. Don’t feel too alone, men and women have been struggling to understand each other for a long time.

The cheating was wrong. I would have to know him to know, but possibly he felt the situation was over a long time ago, at least to being an exclusive relationship. Which is when he should have been man enough to break off before someone else caught his eye, or maybe reconciled whatever problems he was having with the relationship. That is one reason the formal ceremony of a hand-fasting or marriage can be so powerful – it marks a turning of lives, the ending of what went before and a clear declaration of what is born. But the cheating, possibly it was simply bad behavior — in which case, why were you staying with a guy with questionable character? You should have been satisfied with his moral fiber, his integrity, his honesty, to take a second date. And you should have been satisfying yourself all along about his character. You should have been satisfied with his loyalty and that he returned your care and regard before being intimate with him — let alone start cooking and decorating his house.

I know it probably sounds as if I think you did wrong. No. Really, I just hope you look at things differently next time.

Remember this: even if he’s the most perfect guy on the planet to everyone else in his past, present and future, he’s been unforgiveably disrespectful to you, and that’s all you should care about. Nothing excuses disrespect. NOTHING. If he cheated, you don’t want him. If he wouldn’t give you a reason, you don’t want him. Those things are dealingbreakingly disrespectful. Even if he was great before that, you don’t want a man who will do those things. Period.

It WILL get better. I promise. But you have to cut him out and not let him back, so that you can move on. It will take time, but you’ll get there.