Comments on: Advice: Why did he respond if he’s not interested in me?

By: ivyowl

ivyowl — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 23:21:17 +0000

My EUM gave me that ” I got a lot going on” line last night when he took it upon himself to make me wait five hours for him to call.

Naturally I felt I deserved to know the details. I wanted a blow by blow account of what he was doing for the entire five hours I was waiting. But he continued to be very vague.

The very fact I can’t seem to pull this information out of him makes me realize that “a lot going on” probably means he was on a date with a girl, possibly the same girl he didn’t call me for LAST Sunday too!

He is playing games here. He knows I need to talk to him about something important, tells me he will call me Sunday night, knowing I’d be waiting. Then he makes me wait! It is really a set up.

I am really lucky this time. My EUM is honest. I know he is seeing other people cause he tells me

Anyway….that is what “a lot going on” means. It means he has someone.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 11:53:04 +0000

Astelle, I’m still healing. I haven’t been following the no contact rule very well. But I’m still not entirely sure mine is an EUM, or if he just treats me this way because I allowed it to happen. I still question a lot of things, but in general I’m moving on with my life and becoming happier.

By: Karen

Karen — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:44:33 +0000

Astelle, I was in a very similar situation. My boyfriend would work very long hours and use being tired as an excuse for no contact. He also drank heavily and also used hangovers for an excuse for no contact. I saw him about once a week with no contact in between. I wanted more but kept quiet about it because I never got it anyway and when I brought it up there was always a fight. Be thankful you never got too close to this man. I was pretty close to mine and I can tell you, the more emotionally invested I became in him, the more unhappy I became with the limited attention. We would fight over it and then not speak for a while. Each fight got more intense. We had the last one on Sat morning. It was really a bad fight. I said such awful things to him and him to me. I don’t think we will recover from this one. The thing is, he lives near me and we know a lot of the same people. Had I left him a long time ago it never would have come to this. I learned from this that just because you think you love someone doesn’t mean the relationship will work. Both people have to be honest about what they want and they both have to want the same things. I am never going to settle for less than I deserve again. I also realize that the more you settle, the more they take advantage. We think we are being accomodating but we are just giving them the message that it is ok to just give us the bare minimum. I hope you find someone that treats you right Astelle.

By: Astelle

Astelle — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:46:26 +0000

Anonymous, there was no “ending”, I just cut the contact back in September and have not heard from him. He is not in control – he may think that still, but he will get his answer should he try to make contact and there will be no answer. I have learned so much over the last few months, nobody will ever treat me that way again.
How is your situation going? Have you cut contact?

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:25:17 +0000

Astelle, I am in a similar situation. I thought I ended it by stating my needs, but now I realize that the guy is going to continue to come back regardless of my feelings towards the situation. He’s only trying to meet his own short-term needs.

But what you have to realize is that he DOESN’T have control of this situation. You do! You get the option to decide if this is working for you. And the fact that you’re on here posting this tells me that it’s not. Once you make that decision, you need to take action to fulfill that decision and stick with it – don’t give in to suit his needs because your needs are more important! Be true to yourself and your own needs, regardless of what he’s doing.

By: Astelle

Astelle — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 16:09:58 +0000

Louise, how did your “relationship” end?

By: louise

louise — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:18:05 +0000

god this sounds exactly like the man ive been seeing. i feel for you honey.

By: Advice: Why won’t he contact me?

Advice: Why won’t he contact me? — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 08:00:29 +0000

[...] Astelle with Advice: Help me understand how my emotionally unavailable man has been treating me and Advice: Why did he respond if heâ€™s not interested in me?. To do a quick recap, Astelle was involved with an emotionally unavailable man who she [...]

By: Advice: Help me understand how my emotionally unavailable man has been treating me

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 21:47:17 +0000

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By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 00:56:46 +0000

I didn’t say he would commit. I said, if you make him a home, he wouldn’t be interested in leaving. Not quite the same thing. You could be comfortable, have him as handy as is likely to happen. And you still won’t have a true partner, a mate. Something more than a roommate, though.

But I don’t see anything more intense happening.

By: Astelle

Astelle — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 22:01:09 +0000

Brad,

I feel that you are missing the point a litttle bit. He can not even commit to his own kids, how could he commit to a woman?
He has built a life 60 miles away from kids, parents and job, because he is emotionally unavailable and not intimitaded by change!
On top of everything in throw in the drinking…

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 03:54:03 +0000

Astelle, What you see as a sometimes relationship, he almost certainly sees as a casual acquaintance.

On the other hand, he has built a life, as have you. You have your homes – they just don’t have a mate in them. Any changes will be scary and painful – you may want the change, change may intimidate him.

After four, five, or six years, it seems kind of late to when a stable lifestyle is going to change. It just doesn’t seem likely.

Your decision, if you should choose to consider it, is about what you want. If you want a mated, family life, you need to end the intimate portions of your relationship, and begin looking for a suitably stable honest, honorable guy that is interested in sharing bath towels.

If you can’t tell this guy goodbye, then accept that whatever relationship you have, it will be 100% your responsibility, and it will be all on his terms. I doubt taking any other approach will do you much good. He doesn’t seem to be interested in hurting you, or taking advantage of you. And he doesn’t seem to be anxious to please and to be attentive. Whether he has been being polite these past years, whether he has been thinking he has been doing favors for you, or for other reasons, this isn’t how a guy acts when he is besotted with a girl.

Luck!