Comments on: Advice: Why her and not me? The other woman gone very wrong

By: Miserable Love

Miserable Love — Tue, 12 May 2009 03:14:19 +0000

All I can say is thank God I found this website. It has literally saved my life. I too am in a similar situation and desperately need some encouragement. My problems started about 4 years ago. I am a professional, moral, and intelligent woman for starters. : } Or so I thought. I am so devastated and ashamed of my circumstances. My assclown lives a couple houses down from me in our neighborhood. Our families have been friends for 6 years, our children play together. Assclown left his wife about 3 years ago. During his separation from her, he openly informed me that he had feelings for me, knowing that I was happily married. He pursued me relentlessly, calling, coming over when my husband wasn’t home. I at times hid in my home with the lights off to avoid him coming over or being near him alone, as I was trying to do the “right thing”. When I realized I was definitely attracted to him, I knew that being in a close proximity with him was not a good idea. I avoided him for about 2 years. He eventually moved back in with his wife “because of the kids and she couldn’t handle the finances”. He continued to pursue me. One day he was very mean to me unprovoked and I didn’t speak to him for 2 years. He was not remorseful and I was very hurt during that time, praying for an apology. Well last year out of the blue, he came down to my home and apologized for his behavior saying that he missed me and wanted our families to be friends again. He said that he has loved me for 4 years. Well, I lost my faculties! I forgave him immediately. He turned on his charm again and this time I didn’t have the strength to resist. He was very bold and swept me off my feet, said all the right things, said he wanted to be with me, didn’t sleep with his wife, only wanted me, etc. Over the course of 7 months, we declared our love for each other, but he never had “time” to see me. He would only see me an hour or two a week, sometimes not at all. He was all talk and no action, promising this get away, this outing, etc., but something always came up. We basically had a texting relationship only. We loved by text, had sex by text, and fought by text. Pathetic I know. He was not kind to me, used foul language toward me, didn’t want me in his biz, always had excuses why he couldn’t see me, talked about his attraction to other women, told me I was bossy when I wanted to share his problems, and told me I had no say in his life. Funny he didn’t say that when he asked me to borrow money several times, in which I willing gave him, because I loved him and would have given him anything he asked for (which I might add he has not and I am sure has no intention of paying back). Texting is not meant to be the only form of communication in a relationship. Well he sure didn’t have any problem walking down to my house for a quick f”"k on a few occasions, which I must admit was the best sex I have ever had. I hate to admit it but he gave me what I needed: like a harlequin romance, walk through the door, rough me up against the wall, very passionate/hard/wanting me behavior. It was a nice change from what I had been getting for the last 15 years. The only reason I allowed the relationship to start was because when he said he loved me for 4 years and with the way I felt about him, I thought we might be soulmates, I had to find out. I was so deceived and misled. I love my husband, and I am ashamed for what I did. But I was confused and life is too short to let the love of your life pass you by. He had many personal problems: family problems, problems with his siblings/parents, job problems, no car, no money, psychological problems, anger mgmt probs, etc. Well we had an argument one night by text and I told him that I couldn’t accept be treated disrespectfully. He stopped talking to me cold turkey, no explanation, no remorse, wouldn’t reply to my texts, refused to talk to me. So, to save what dignity I had left, I stopped trying. The last thing I told him was that I would love him until I took my last breath and that he would always know I felt our love was worth fighting for. A day later he sent me a text saying “it is not me, it is him, he just can’t talk to anyone right now. He said he knows I care about it, and I looked good, he just can’t talk.” Well funny thing is, he was “talking” to another woman across the street within the week. It has been almost 4 months, and I haven’t heard a word from him. He ignores me in our neighborhood, at the kid’s school, he flirts with other women, he is seeing the “other woman” across the street now. This is the short version. My soul was shattered, my heart completely broken. I believe I would have left my family for this man. When we were together, it was “meant to be”. I am absolutely crazy in love him. He said he was in love with me long before I realized I was in love with him. I never thought we would break up. I mean, hell, he pursued me for 4 years, I figured he knew exactly what he wanted. I guess I should have realized where I stood when I asked him to meet me on Christmas Eve and he replied that he couldn’t because he was baking Christmas cookies with his wife! Thankfully, I realize what I have with my husband and am putting my part of the marriage back together. This is my problem: I can’t get over this man. I have to see him every day. It causes me so much pain and is reminder to me every day that “I wasn’t good enough”. He was so mean to me in the end and I worry he is laughing inside at my stupidity, when all along I thought I was the love of his life. I have to see him with “other woman” across the street. It kills me to see him with her and his wife. It hurts to breathe and I have had times where I just prayed that my heart would stop beating because it hurts so much. I know he is not good for me, but my heart keeps telling me we are meant to be and that our lives aren’t through with each other yet. As each day passes, I am more devastated. I don’t understand how he has no remorse for hurting me, how he just stopped loving me (if he ever did) and am so hurt that he doesn’t miss me. How can I get past this if I have to see him with “other women” knowing he doesn’t care about me. After everything, my love for him has not diminished. He is a terrible person and I know deep down he is not happy. I didn’t ask for this situation, wasn’t looking for it. I feel I am paying all the consequences and having all the pain while he is content with his new love interest, like he has erased me from his mind like I never existed. I keep telling myself I would feel better if I knew he missed me and was suffering some consequences of our broken relationship, but I don’t think I will ever know those answers. If anyone has any insight into my situation, please help me. Thanks.

By: Daisy

Daisy — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 01:25:30 +0000

I can’t believe how many hot successful woman this happens to ! I also can’t thinking about the whole “is she prettier, hotter etc” and it is eating away at my self esteem. How someone can go from being charming, so lovely to basically just using you is just so horrible! But I can’t get the “blowing hot” moments out of my head, and believe me I can’t believe i’m still in this “relationship” after the things that have gone on. It is so shameful what I have put up with I can’t even bring myself to tell my closest friends as I am so ashamed. I even upheld the N C for 3 weeks…but gave in when he contacted me. I thought I was perhaps strong enough for the whole “no strings” thing after reading how to go about it. but I just feel I need more as it makes my self esteem so low!

By: NML

NML — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 10:54:25 +0000

ITC, I was very shocked to read your comment and I hope that you are continuing to feel more positive. This man doesn’t deserve that kind of energy. I recognise how he has marginalised you with his behaviour but he’s an assclown and she will have bigger problems on her hands. It will get better but whatever you do, don’t base your value on his treatment of you. The biggest blow to their egos is when you just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Big hugs NML x

By: ITC

ITC — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 23:06:34 +0000

I can’t believe how similar your experience is to mine. From been coworkers and living nearby him, to him befriending another woman at work and going back to his gf and the question: why her and not me? The only difference is that the little piece of sh*t is marring his gf next month and I found about it last Tuesday and I canâ€™t leave work. Last night I was seriously considering taking a lot of sleeping pills but reading NMLâ€™s blogs, book and specially her advice to you made me feel much better and see things clearly. Sheâ€™s right. They are not worth it and yes, we had a lucky break. I hope you started leaving this jerk behind and enjoying a new life and a new job.

By: NY Tanning

NY Tanning — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 09:04:50 +0000

Thanks the comment is delightful.
I like your diary..
Thanks

By: ALD

ALD — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:31:40 +0000

Oh Boy! If we would have only knew early on. I have had the same situation. Worked with the guy, live a few blocks from him (that sucks), thought he was so cool, his ‘friends’ still do, let him into my heart, home, family and went on a paradise vacation that was the “best of his life, best times with me, best sex and you name it”.
Every time we went to a new stage in what most people would be able to admit was a relationship, the b%&#tard would start sobbing and tell me how bad his old relationships were and how he had been wronged. Finally (just two weeks after the “best trip of his life”), he told me he was in love with me (sobbing) and needed time away. That was just days after he blew me off when we had a date. He said he just went to the bar and closed the place. I was “in love” and believed him.
Of course, he waited a while and contacted me to tell me that he was going to get some help and he missed me…. We went out, were back in the sack within a few weeks and just a few nights after thatI caught him leaving the bar where I was supposed to meet him with another girl.
Six months have gone by and now he has started openly dating his next victim – an old but good looking lady – one who was always at the bar on the day of the week we had our date that he blew me off on. Now I have the final pieces of the mind f&%k he put me through. I am sure he had a fling and realized once again he is a jerk so had to go cold. All the things he said at the time should have gave me more of a clue than I took.
I am still struggling to heal from this mess. It is sometimes hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am praying every day to get stronger. I know I am a good, cute, fun, loving person and not a liar. I just got messed up with a bad one that will never respect people or love the way I do. I feel for you and hope we both grow from this. A good read is “Men Who Can’t Love”. You will see a definite pattern and there will be several of his behaviors to identify with that are in the book. Try to be able to trust again. That is what I hope I will be able to do when the time / person is right. Love your real friends. They will always be there â€“ people like him will not.

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 06:53:33 +0000

Heather, Does she ever think of how many people she is in intimate contact with, just once or twice removed, in very short periods of time?

As for him choosing to misuse the lady because she was willing to be ‘the other woman’ – the odds are he has never thought about how his actions and choices affect his partners. He may not care, but he more likely never thought to consider – to take responsibility for – treating her like, well, a lady, beyond simple manners and courtesies. Whether she behaved as a lady or not.

By: heather

heather — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 23:00:54 +0000

what i want to know is.. whoever asked this question.. do u EVER sit there and think of how the women hes dating and living with feel about this, or would if they knew? U now what goes around comes around.. maybe hes not WITH you because well u were the other women once why wouldnt u be again? and if he knows ur gonna let him drag u thru dirt I am sure as hell sure he aint gonna be sweeping that dirt away anytime soon.

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 18:06:02 +0000

Audrey,

I wonder if you couldn’t get the police to help you get a ‘breathing space’ separation from the guy.

File a criminal complaint. State that you didn’t see any drugs, the guy got incoherent at times, and he claimed to be doing cocaine. Keep a copy of the complaint. Mail a copy to the guy. Even if the police won’t follow up, this should annoy the guy enough to make his stop bothering you. Else go back and file a second complaint, for stalking. “If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem.”

Besides, you don’t want a reputation .. for hanging out with druggies. Guys that aren’t into drugs will avoid you like an addict. And you certainly don’t want to get caught up in any investigation when the guy eventually crashes and burns. (Note, be pretty sure how you feel about this guy, first. It would be difficult to get away with, “Oops. Sorry about filing a complaint.”)

By: audrey

audrey — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 13:33:04 +0000

“Unavailableâ€™s tend to be with women that make it easy for them to be themselves. At the end of the day, do you really need to know why a lying, cheating, deceiving, weak, morally lacking man, chose someone else not you? It sounds like youâ€™ve had a lucky escape.” This is so true. An unavailable dude i wasted time on told me once during a heated conversation that he liked women who were easy, not sexually easy, but easy accomodating. He screamed at me, YOU ARE NOT EASY. (but in essence i was because i kept taking him on) I told him i was no doormat and would never be easy for him. slammed door walked out. He still kept coming round after that. That little bit of feist kept him interested. He liked easy, he liked a challenge. In the end, he loved attention. He needed me he needed to know all women found him the hottest dude in the room. I hated him for that. Really. He used to go out to clubs and tell me oh al the girls around we need them to get us in to the clubs. real poser. Then i found out mr. hot stuff, banker vp, relationship screw up was doing coke…. Ok, now things really hit a wall. His weird phone calls telling me things that were so out of place and how he needed me had to have me and i meant so much to him. and then he would say things to me that made no sense. I had an inkling it was drugs but he fliply mentioned his coke habit which he hid and now he doesn’t remember saying it… isn’t that a pip! also i see he is completely unable to understand how to treat a woman. i thought it was me…. and now i see it wasn’t. in a way yes because i saw his issues and kept him in my life. i thought he is my one. not…. but still he played a good game and i know he cares for me in his own way. but it isn’t enough. i am pretty hot intelligent sassy chick. i am just beginning to see myself again. but couple an emotionally unavailable dude with drugs to mask his own insecurities and wow…. well, to go back to what i started these guys do go for you if you are easy and accomodate. they don’t want you to find them out and when you do well sionara. they leave you or just get bold and tell them to f… off. a learning lesson i suppose. but still i am going through the pain. but it lessens each day and i smile more and more knowing i don’t have to take his stupid stuff anymore.

By: Nada

Nada — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 08:51:06 +0000

Don’t you just love it when they say you’re their “best friend” or “soulmate” – *after* having dumped you? So you are meant to feel special, because after all, he really does feel something for you that he doesn’t feel for the others…aagh!

By: Grace

Grace — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 07:33:31 +0000

great advice, Ashley!

especially: “He rejected you, in the end, because he couldnâ€™t give you what YOU wanted. Heâ€™s fine with you having him on HIS terms – but, at the end of the day – HIS terms are only going to make you feel badly. ”

that’s very insightful, Ashley.

i am probably twice the age of all of you, but i’m still single, so i’m still in this position. sorry to have to let you know that even experienced, mature, ‘ should-know-better’-aged people, still fall for CRAP. especially when sexual attraction is involved – it’s CHEMICAL. it’s BEYOND your cognitive control. & some men are so GOOD at it……….(the crap, i mean).

it’s been 2 years since i saw ‘my’ (NOT/NEVER ‘my’) bloke, and a year since he married, but BECAUSE NO-ONE ELSE HAS APPEALED, he is still the only one i think of. even though, on an objective level, i know better.

absolutely the quickest, least-painfree solution is someone new…..

i DO still ask myself “why am *I* not enough?” the answer is because i am NOT a wildly uncontrollable, selfish, risk-taking, foul-mouthed, bisexual slut – like the woman he married…………

they DESERVE each other – and, sooner or later, HE’ll feel the pain *I* felt, because she WILL treat him as badly, in return – which i would never have done………

sorry to rave on about mySELF but i still need to lecture myself severly and often……….

~ find a POSITIVE way to answer that “why not me?” question – because that is the one that can bring you down!

By: Ashley

Ashley — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 21:39:05 +0000

SEC – Sure, I guess you are saying that he gave more of his time to the new g.f. or to his ex – but -you really don’t know what those relationships were like. The time he spends with them could be filled with content or interaction that would have been totally unacceptable to you.

I’ve felt the same way about my situation. It really, really, stinks. I totally empathise.

One book that helped me was “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken” specifically the part that requires a 60 day “he-tox”. I highly recommend it.

Ashley

By: SEC

SEC — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 20:17:33 +0000

Thanks so much for everyone’s comments! I really appreciate all the advice everyone has given me. Truth be told, at this point, I think what I’m feeling is a combination of a broken heart and a bruised ego.

I know at this point, it just doesn’t even matter anymore, cause as NML states, no answer will be satisfying in addition to the fact that no one will ever know the real motive to his actions towards me was. But one question, Ashley – you think that his rejecting me was because he couldnâ€™t give me what I wanted. But all I wanted was a “normal” relationship, which I assume that is what this other girl wanted too, and he was able to give that to her so easily and so quickly after breaking up with his longterm GF, which was one of the main reasons he told me he couldn’t be with me.

I know I should not care about him anymore, and I just need to worry about me cause no matter what, I can’t change him or anyone for that matter. It’s just very hard to not take it personally I suppose, and everytime I think about it, it just brings back the hurt all over again. I suppose I should just stop thinking about it .

By: Alison

Alison — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 20:17:31 +0000

Argh! I had the EXACT same thing at work a few years ago! The guy ended up going out with the girl I was managing, it was horrid. The answer is very simple and has been said already, but as a little practical tip, whenever you feel yourself asking ‘why…?’ remember the answer to it all is ‘he is lying’ and say it to yourself at least three times in a row. His lying is what elucidates the mystery of his behaviour – why do you believe you weren’t good enough before you will believe he is a lying *rse? I know, because you have feelings for him – but don’t let that cloud your mind. Good luck.