It is really hard to accept love that you thought it will profit you in terms of marriage and at the end seem not. this thing also happened to me and am still having the pain. But little by little am getting used though some times it seems like he reminds me when i saw him walking by, answering calls of which he rebulfs mine when i call, calling and having confidence to one of his office mate while i am available for him. But know am mornal i just do my things alone wihtout concentrating to him anymore.

But you know you don’t need closure from him you get the closure becuase you decide that its over and you are no longer involved in the situtation anymore – no matter what he does. In fact you don’t need anything from him, you have made the decision and you need to learn to trust yourself.

I disagree with some of the other posts I don’t think you need to play around with being polite when he calls and writing a letter explaining how you feel – even if he doesn’t see it. It seems to me its a bit like an alocholic just trying to have one drink – you are just tormeting yourself! Just blank him completely – do not invite him into your world anymore, even if it is just in your mind. It will hurt and believe me it was horrible at work but try to focus your energy on your friends and family instead.

I am still at work with this guy and these days he is almost apologetic when he has to talk to me about something, it still hurts a bit but I think that may be wounded pride rather than a broken heart.

When he calls, answer, I think. Be polite, if you can, be courteous. Absolutely refuse to discuss anything intimate, current or past, such as feelings or regrets. That would be impolite of him to mention or ask, and would be inappropriate for you to discuss. This guy is *not* an intimate companion. Just like if I contacted you, or my neighbor’s nephew, he is *not* someone you have decided to date.

Consider any contact with him to be practice. Practice relating to men that you aren’t dating. Be polite, as if your mother or pastor were part of the conversation – watching your manners, and keeping the conversation polite.

And another part of the reason to keep things polite is part of preparing for a reasonable, responsible, respectful companion. You want to show your next guy the warmth of trust, respect, and joy, and everyone outside the home the politeness that makes business and society function. Being polite to everyone (that will return the courtesy of being polite) also avoids the problem of driving away possible candidates before you get a chance to know them.

Besides, bitterness and fear take the joy out of life, and make us more tired than we need to be.

For closure – one way is to write a letter that explains everything, a letter that you will *never* mail, save, keep, or share with *anyone*. Take days or weeks to write, to polish, to re-write a couple of times. Make it complete. Then address an envelope with his name, and shred the thing into tiny pieces. There. You have closure, or as much as you could have if he had passed away. Maybe plant a daisy in the back yard, with the shredded letter underneath .. No, no, that would be more likely to express anger than a memorial to a portion of your life that has passed.

Luck!

Just responding to part of your quote that follows …

i’ve been in this situation before. there are two solutions for your sanity and your self-respect:

” 1) you gotta not have sex with him. just focus on that part really hard. like, really really hard. so you can interact with him, call him, make out with him and get hot and heavy and have him say really nice things to you. but in the end, bail before he unzips his pants. focus really hard on that. everything else will fall into place — whether or not he will pursue you or if you end up working towards your fullest potential of strength to leave him alone. ”

I can not get my head around that. That is game playing at it’s extreme. I honestly can not see any sanity or self-respect in taking that course of action … and it is also plain out and out teasing and baiting him. If she should focus on so not having sex with him, that’s exactly what should happen … he is playing her and she is playing him and laying out herself as booty call bait as it is. Click those heels and just walk away and distance yourself from your weakness for him. No more torment or angst and find someone that will be there for you and not just when you call them.

Gia

Have a good hard look at your position and what you have said, look at it as though someone else had written it and you will be able to answer your own question.

By the way Brad … Blessed Be to you too.

Gia

1) you gotta not have sex with him. just focus on that part really hard. like, really really hard. so you can interact with him, call him, make out with him and get hot and heavy and have him say really nice things to you. but in the end, bail before he unzips his pants. focus really hard on that. everything else will fall into place — whether or not he will pursue you or if you end up working towards your fullest potential of strength to leave him alone.

or

2) don’t break up/end things with him — that will make it easier for you. because if someone tells you to end a “relationship” like this, you won’t end up doing it. (i have been walked by a friend to the guy’s house before to end it and had been text messaged throughout the meeting and didn’t end up doing it).
then, also, don’t answer his calls. difficult, but don’t do it. absolutely cut yourself off and enjoy the pleasure of not giving him closure. also realize the possibility/probability that he may not even give a sh*t about getting closure from you… all the more reason for things to end anyway.

She is unhappy with the situation, but it doesn’t sound like she is really a victim, either, at least, not his victim. Remember, she is the one that has to call him .. then they end up having sex. This guy’s ‘pursuit’ is pretty passive. She doesn’t have to be a victim to be responsible for where she goes in life.

I am not convinced they do understand each other. They don’t act like they believe what the other is saying. When dating, many half truths and deceptions are practiced, in the name of romance, to play ‘the game’, or to ‘look good’. He might say he doesn’t want anything more, and actually feel something else. She might badly want a family and kids, and tell him she *might* want kids in the future, or that he is all she needs to fill her world. Because the words are said, doesn’t make them true – and doesn’t mean the listener believes them to be completely true.

I would never presume I knew exactly how a woman felt about me, or anything else. I would always know that the best I can do, is guess. And I know how tough it is for me to identify, exactly, what my feelings are about almost anything. Why would I think most people are any better able to express themselves in terms I understand?

She can stop calling him and stop huddling up with him at family functions, and they won’t have a relationship. She can *choose* to leave him alone. After that comes the hard part – building a fulfilling life that includes a responsible mate, if she still wants one.