I’m in the same situation, I’ve been dating this guy for 9 months now and he used to wait for my call like once per week. When I ask him to go out, he is all enthusiastic & stuff, “Sure!”, like he was expecting me to call him.
One day I didn’t call. I felt like I’m always the one who does the calling thingie, so I said “let him call me!”. Guess what: he never called. He didn’t contact me in 6 days now, and I’m biting my lips every time I think about contacting him, but I managed to mind my own business. We also live in the same city, but we both have awkward schedules, therefore our main communicating device remains the Internet & the phone. He says he’s not much of a phone person, nor likes to talk through IMs, he claims that he doesn’t know what to say, that his mind blocks et, but I once told him (~a month ago) it would be nice to hear from him more often, from time to time. He said he’ll try his best to improve the relationship, but here we are, nothing changed. I’m tired of being patient, plus, we’re adults, not teenagers, so I think a 27 year-old guy should know or at least should be able to confront me & the situation maturely. He said he never had a relationship before, which makes me think he doesn’t know how to treat a woman. But still, I think it’s a human’s instinct to care about the partner and there’s a first time for everything as well.

So yeah, tl;dr version: if he expects you to call, surprise him: DON’T CALL, see if he reacts. If he doesn’t, you should move forward. Believe me, if it’s your first time going through this, will be hard to detach from him (for me it’s the 2nd time, I’m immune now ), but it’s best you can do. Even if he’s the hottest, the cutest, the smartest and no matter how much you want him, he’s not the only guy on Earth. If he does contact you, then his brain must’ve start functioning, you woke it up from its laziness. I’m not being hostile with men, all I’m saying is that they barely notice this kind of things.

Good luck!

@ Indra I agree 200%

For all those that haven’t quite had enough, please listen to NML’s article and take heed.

I was with a man I thought was my soul mate. We had so much fun together, shared the same commonalities and passion in life. I truly thought he was the one. BUT….he had issues…big time! I couldn’t see through it, b/c he made me feel like it was elements in my life that were the problem. NO! I didn’t have dysfunction in my life until I met him. I was educated, outgoing, strong & smart and that relationship turned me into someone I didn’t even know anymore. A walking shell!

He left me more times than I care to remember and abandoned me whenever it suited him. From a few days to several months and like a fool I waited for him, was understanding and loved him unconditionally. I Cried, called him everyday, wrote letters, emails…you name it I did it….and did he answer me back NO! When he did it was always about HIM, never giving any consideration to my feelings. He had me so twisted that I found myself apologizing for things I never said, never felt, never did just so things would be ok. He kept me there b/c of the crumbs he gave me…telling me he loved me, showing tons of affection and making our time together so perfect. Then when I felt so close to him, he’d snatch it all away and would disappear with no contact. He ran hot and cold constantly.

The roller coaster destroyed me emotionally, had me questioning myself, blaming myself and my self esteem went out the window. They condition you and know your vulnerabilities and use them against you. They tell you how hard they’re trying, when they’re really not giving you their best at all. They don’t want to show any vulnerability, so they get you to do all the sacrificing so they can stay in control. Sometimes he’d pick arguments with me for no reason, just so he could leave and keep me in my place. I did this hell for 9 yrs. I was so scared to walk into my email b/c I never knew what I was going to find. He often broke up with me through email or hurt me w/correspondence telling me how he just couldn’t do it anymore. Calling was not an option, b/c he couldn’t maintain control that way. He knew I’d be devasted and feed his ego, by telling him how much I needed him, plus he got the added benefit of me trying harder if we could work it out.

He finally left me altogether and hurt me beyond repair. 1.5 yrs w/not even a word from him. It took me over a year to even feel human again and after all that time he noted me on a site we were members of. Like a fool I needed closure wanting to hear how sorry he was and I opened it. I started the cycle all over again and before long we were talking & meeting again. He told me how sorry he was, said he’d never hurt me like that again, that he was a “changed” man etc etc. I still remember him saying I won’t do what I think is best anymore, I’m always going to do what’s right. After just 3 months of being back together, 1 day he just up and disappeared…then resurfaced and told me he felt like something was missing. He had gotten his supply from me and whatever else he needed and poof he didn’t need me anymore.

I finally had enough! These emotional unvailable men do not change. They don’t care how it ruins your life or if you end up in the psych ward, all they care about is that they get what they want from you. I do believe he loved me, but he was just too f*cked up and wanted to stay inside his bubble. The best thing I ever did for myself, was get strong enough to do NC and not deviate from it. I know he feels that eventually I’ll contact him since I developed a pattern and is just waiting, but he is WRONG! I still think about him and I wish I didn’t, but for the first time in 9yrs, I have no desire to talk to him. It’s DONE!

Then explanaitions: I would love it work, thats all I can have right now (dont understand that)
then I said, ok then end it, make a decent closure with me, show me last respect.
he: stop the shit, time will tell
I said how can time tell, if ther is no development or date
he :I start new show, dont want drama, if its ment to be it will be..lovexx
and I said end it now
he goddbuy, thats what you want your welcome

I hate him, and i hate myslef, for breaking NC….he really thought i wait till he decide that he will commit, if the ither harems gilr break up with him…he relay pretended like there is any obstaclace caused by higher power, if its ment to be it will be…how stupid does he think I am….
I am so humbled now…I hate him…ask myslef if I will ever get over that shit…

Yes you are right. I need to learn to focus on me and not on him or any other man, And for this I have to change the way I speak,too.
The worst part on this is, to cope with that emtiness. Now with 30, I realize, that I don’t know exactly who I am. That all my life was somehow centered around a man (not only that assclown, good man too). And now, that I am saying goodbuy and left with myself, I feel a bot lost. It maked me angry, that he still lives his life, cause I don’t know exactly, what is “my thing”. I think, raise up my standards and having healthy boundaries and finding out who I am, what I want and what makes me happy, even just on my own, to feel whole on my own, will be the key to not fall ever in such a assclown trap again.
jen

“Does he deserve me?” – I think a more appropriate question has to come first – Can I afford to be with him, to give any part of my attention and time and my life to him? I think the answer is pretty clear, that you want a dependable mate, that he isn’t, and you cannot afford to waste your time with him, or allow him to color your life (making you unavailable to a *good* man).

I think he loses out long before anyone should care about what he deserves.

There is no question about what you are worth to someone else. The only question that matters to you, is whether someone is good for you, makes your life better and happier, and whether they are worth the cost to you to take them to your heart.

A word about No Contact. You said, “for a minute i thought maybe i shouldn’t bother picking up but two seconds later i did-and with that i broke the no contact rule!!”

You broke NC when your phone rang with him on the other end. You didn’t get his number blocked, or get a new number – you still knew that he called, and that is when NC was broken. Because you knew he called, most of the damage was already done, whether you ever took his call or not.

The other reason you are feeling so vulnerable – is that you are still in the relationship as much as ever. This 25 days may or may not have affected him. But you still want him to be the guy he should have been, the guy you wanted. You are still, today, waiting for him to realize what you had between you.

What is wrong with that? You can’t get over him, grieve his loss, while he is still there in your thoughts and in your heart.

When you start NC, the point is to make a conscious and deliberate choice. You decide, on your own, that regardless of what he says or does, no matter how he changes or begs, that you can no longer afford to allow him to be present in your life. That you not only want him gone – you will never accept him back. You make that choice. You decide, for your own good, that you will treasure and learn what you can from your relationship with him – as something that is over. You choose that whatever happened in the relationship with him, that it will not be the basis of any future feelings, plans, reactions, or bonds. You acknowledge that the bozo is not only someone you aren’t involved with – he is someone you now know is toxic, a known predator and user and abuser – or just someone that you have to keep away from, for your own sanity and welfare.

Remember that as long as you think of him, of his potential, of whatever you wanted to happen – he is acting as a boat anchor, continuing to drag you down to his level. While you are thinking of him, waiting for him to realize whatever, he acts as a barrier to keep healthy people away from you. You will never form a healthy relationship while he is still prominent in your thoughts.

You have to clear the debris of the past away, in order to break the cycle, to keep from going from one bad relationship to another just like it. That clearing away, that putting away the clutter and mistakes and misunderstandings and illusions of the past is where NC comes in. You enter NC by first deciding that the past is past and must no longer taint today or tomorrow. NC is not ignoring his call, NC is preventing his call from getting to your phone. NC is deciding you never, ever want to know that he tried to call, and NC is deciding that not knowing is the least evil available.

Should you do the favor? Why not? You are in a relationship with him. That is the actual, true state of your feelings. You have never said, to yourself or to him, “It is over. I never want anything to do with this bozo, ever, no matter what. I believe he will never be good for me; for my own good I have to learn to live a better life, with better self esteem, and I cannot get to where I need to go while this bozo is in my life. I quit, I hate having put off this moment for so dratted long, but the time is now. I will grieve the loss in my life of someone that has been important to me, so that he will no longer hold my heart or my behavior, or my thoughts. It doesn’t matter what he wants or needs – he is a predator, and I cannot afford to worry about anyone but myself right now.” That is the beginning of NC. That choice, that demand of yourself to free yourself not just from him, but from all the compromises and all the wrongs you overlooked.

Ria, you wonder if he is testing to see if the door is still open. Right now you dread that – because you left that door open, the welcome mat cleaned and tidied and set out with flowers and his name. The question is not, “Is he checking to see if the door is still open?” – the important question is “Why is the door still open?” Once you truly close the door, you would not care if he checked or not – you wouldn’t notice or care. NC is meant to begin “faking it ’til you make it”, provide a safe barrier and safe place for you to pretend and to practice living with the door closed to him.

And remember that you have things to do during NC, not just count days. There is a lot of healing to do, and learning from the past, and beginning to live a happier today.

Luck,

Brad K.