Comments on: Am I Too Picky? The Tricky Issue of Quality Control In Dating & Relationships (P2) http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: lindsay bluth http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-263075 lindsay bluth Sun, 30 May 2010 17:44:23 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-263075 Thanks Carm. I sometimes vacillate between congratulating myself for avoiding assclowns and wondering if I'm throwing away the baby with the bath water. Thanks Carm. I sometimes vacillate between congratulating myself for avoiding assclowns and wondering if I’m throwing away the baby with the bath water.

]]> By: Nikko http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-263015 Nikko Sun, 30 May 2010 03:57:45 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-263015 Wow Soopermouse. I could have written your post. Word for word. I feel amazed. Wow Soopermouse. I could have written your post. Word for word. I feel amazed.

]]> By: Tara http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262403 Tara Tue, 25 May 2010 18:59:02 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262403 Whenever I went to my shrink and said that I was picky, she would say it was good to be picky. But I always knew something was off about my "pickiness" and I'd have a twinge of that on the shrink's couch. I've definitely been picky about the wrong things, relying on "chemistry" and general attraction rather than getting to the core values of a person (mine or the other guy's). I sense of have a long way to go to shake my pickiness! .-= Tara´s last blog ..<a href="http://meandmisterunavailable.blogspot.com/2010/05/mr-unavailable-16-eek-mouse.html" rel="nofollow">Mr. Unavailable #16: Eek a Mouse</a> =-. Whenever I went to my shrink and said that I was picky, she would say it was good to be picky. But I always knew something was off about my “pickiness” and I’d have a twinge of that on the shrink’s couch. I’ve definitely been picky about the wrong things, relying on “chemistry” and general attraction rather than getting to the core values of a person (mine or the other guy’s). I sense of have a long way to go to shake my pickiness!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Mr. Unavailable #16: Eek a Mouse =-.

]]> By: Carm http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262324 Carm Tue, 25 May 2010 04:05:15 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262324 Lindsay, I don't think those factors you listed are secondary at all; they sound like primary character values to me: 1. Bad hygeine: indicates a lack of self-love or major depression 2. Mocking your interests or speech: indicates a negative character who is not accepting of personal differences. 3. Lying and misrepresenting themselves is a big red flag indicating low self-esteem, shady character. 4. Don't know about the overly challenging children issue; it depends if you see signs and behavior of the children which indicate bad parenting/abuse/neglect with regards to it being a red flag character issue. 5. Financial irresponsibility or being a partner that expects the other to do all the financial heavy lifting (unless you two are raising a child together and he is a stay at home dad) is a major character flaw reflecting selfishness and immaturity. Lindsay,
I don’t think those factors you listed are secondary at all; they sound like primary character values to me:
1. Bad hygeine: indicates a lack of self-love or major depression
2. Mocking your interests or speech: indicates a negative character who is not accepting of personal differences.
3. Lying and misrepresenting themselves is a big red flag indicating low self-esteem, shady character.
4. Don’t know about the overly challenging children issue; it depends if you see signs and behavior of the children which indicate bad parenting/abuse/neglect with regards to it being a red flag character issue.
5. Financial irresponsibility or being a partner that expects the other to do all the financial heavy lifting (unless you two are raising a child together and he is a stay at home dad) is a major character flaw reflecting selfishness and immaturity.

]]> By: soopermouse http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262316 soopermouse Tue, 25 May 2010 01:30:02 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262316 This series of columns got me thinking, and I realised something that had never occurred to me before, and I'm 35. I grew up feeling unloved. Ignored and neglected emotionally by my parents, I grew up believing that all I needed in life is to find someone who would love me and stay with me and everything will be OK. I made huge professional and personal mistakes because i hanged on to people I shouldn't have, and so on. MY lovelife is a series of relationships I rushed into without thinking, pushing things too fast, hurrying the other along.... and even when I did get good relationships? I still wasn't happy because while I may have believed having someone to love and to love me was enough? It never was. I had what I assumed I wanted and it was never enough. You know what? Maybe I don't NEED someone to be with me at all times. I love my freedom. I can stand being loved by someone without being with them 24/7. Feels like my life is starting anew. Thanks This series of columns got me thinking, and I realised something that had never occurred to me before, and I’m 35.
I grew up feeling unloved. Ignored and neglected emotionally by my parents, I grew up believing that all I needed in life is to find someone who would love me and stay with me and everything will be OK.
I made huge professional and personal mistakes because i hanged on to people I shouldn’t have, and so on.
MY lovelife is a series of relationships I rushed into without thinking, pushing things too fast, hurrying the other along…. and even when I did get good relationships? I still wasn’t happy because while I may have believed having someone to love and to love me was enough? It never was. I had what I assumed I wanted and it was never enough.

You know what? Maybe I don’t NEED someone to be with me at all times. I love my freedom. I can stand being loved by someone without being with them 24/7.
Feels like my life is starting anew. Thanks

]]> By: Cathy J http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262247 Cathy J Mon, 24 May 2010 07:48:05 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262247 Lindsay This does sound intriguing. Although sometimes what we don't like in others could be what we don't like in ourselves, your list doesn't seem to reflect that at first glance. It could be your conscious and unconscious wants are not matching. I have coincidentally discussed this in today's blog post. There is also an ABC documentary called 'Secrets to Love' which explains this from a social science point of view ... very interesting. .-= Cathy J´s last blog ..<a href="http://www.smartladydating.com/cost-of-dating-part-4-cost-in-time-and-energy-to-beyond-positive-thinking/" rel="nofollow">Cost of Dating: Part 4 Cost in Time and Energy to Beyond Positive Thinking</a> =-. Lindsay

This does sound intriguing. Although sometimes what we don’t like in others could be what we don’t like in ourselves, your list doesn’t seem to reflect that at first glance. It could be your conscious and unconscious wants are not matching. I have coincidentally discussed this in today’s blog post.

There is also an ABC documentary called ‘Secrets to Love’ which explains this from a social science point of view … very interesting.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Cost of Dating: Part 4 Cost in Time and Energy to Beyond Positive Thinking =-.

]]> By: Kathy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262214 Kathy Mon, 24 May 2010 03:30:21 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262214 One approach I've tried to use is to look for a guy who can meet my "intimate partner relationship" needs. I have found that I can find other people to share hobbies or intellectual pursuits. But I can only get my love needs met in one place. One approach I’ve tried to use is to look for a guy who can meet my “intimate partner relationship” needs. I have found that I can find other people to share hobbies or intellectual pursuits. But I can only get my love needs met in one place.

]]> By: lindsay bluth http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262208 lindsay bluth Sun, 23 May 2010 22:41:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262208 NML, since I'm now and have been alone since purging my last EUM some time ago, I've been struggling with this message of pickiness and now wonder if my criteria has been secondary or primary. According to the post above, my red flags seems like a breach in secondary values, but to me they seem to belie genuine character flaws. So if you (and of course anyone else on the board who cares to offer their insight) could chime in on these reasons I've had to end various relationships and tell me if I've been too picky: 1-Bad grooming, as in smells as rank as decomposing organic substances, among other things. 2-Not being able to have much of a conversation about anything because he doesn't value what you enjoy and openly mocks them as braniac pastimes and thus a waste of time, or resents the fact that you pronounce your words the way they are supposed to be pronounced. 3-Caught in a lie(s) about age or general misrepresentation about his stats/circumstances. 4-Overly challenging children 5-Broke to the point of a) considering me an upgrade to a better life ticket/ steady paycheck b) purposely eating a huge meal so he won't get hungry during the date and won't have to spend money on food and otherwise stingy c) promising gifts (unasked for nor "unhinted" for by me) but fails to follow through d) under water in debt and still, at times, spending counter to their means, while not pursuing or generating additional income (Is it actually being overly picky to not want to get together with someone who would cause your standard of living to plummet because you would have to do all the heavy financial lifting, but now for his needs as well as yours?) A little help? NML, since I’m now and have been alone since purging my last EUM some time ago, I’ve been struggling with this message of pickiness and now wonder if my criteria has been secondary or primary. According to the post above, my red flags seems like a breach in secondary values, but to me they seem to belie genuine character flaws. So if you (and of course anyone else on the board who cares to offer their insight) could chime in on these reasons I’ve had to end various relationships and tell me if I’ve been too picky:

1-Bad grooming, as in smells as rank as decomposing organic substances, among other things.

2-Not being able to have much of a conversation about anything because he doesn’t value what you enjoy and openly mocks them as braniac pastimes and thus a waste of time, or resents the fact that you pronounce your words the way they are supposed to be pronounced.

3-Caught in a lie(s) about age or general misrepresentation about his stats/circumstances.

4-Overly challenging children

5-Broke to the point of
a) considering me an upgrade to a better life ticket/ steady paycheck
b) purposely eating a huge meal so he won’t get hungry during the date and won’t have to spend money on food and otherwise stingy
c) promising gifts (unasked for nor “unhinted” for by me) but fails to follow through
d) under water in debt and still, at times, spending counter to their means, while not pursuing or generating additional income
(Is it actually being overly picky to not want to get together with someone who would cause your standard of living to plummet because you would have to do all the heavy financial lifting, but now for his needs as well as yours?)

A little help?

]]> By: Vanna http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262201 Vanna Sun, 23 May 2010 18:30:23 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262201 I'm not the type who settles for just anyone. She may express interest in me all she wants, but no means no. I’m not the type who settles for just anyone. She may express interest in me all she wants, but no means no.

]]> By: Vanna http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262200 Vanna Sun, 23 May 2010 18:27:38 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262200 I have to be picky because of my boundaries. I refuse to be with someone who does illicit drugs, someone who constantly needs validation and who is constatnly putting themselves down (my ex-girlfriend made this observation and she is absolutely right, if the woman is not strong herself like you are, she will not last very long with you), etc. I value individualism which means my relationships are not governed by someone else including the imagined "God." I also have to remind you, I don't have the standard 20/20 visual IQ like other people, but that doesn't mean that looks don't matter to me because they do. I have to be picky because of my boundaries. I refuse to be with someone who does illicit drugs, someone who constantly needs validation and who is constatnly putting themselves down (my ex-girlfriend made this observation and she is absolutely right, if the woman is not strong herself like you are, she will not last very long with you), etc. I value individualism which means my relationships are not governed by someone else including the imagined “God.” I also have to remind you, I don’t have the standard 20/20 visual IQ like other people, but that doesn’t mean that looks don’t matter to me because they do.

]]> By: Cathy J http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262137 Cathy J Sat, 22 May 2010 09:30:38 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262137 I like the job description approach - essential and desirable criteria. Primary core values definitely need to go into the essential criteria. Sometimes people can be in a transition phase and so they may be changing their core values and priorities. So a bit of flexibility also can help with reasonable boundaries. Every relationship does need these - at home, with your parents, children, siblings, friends and especially your mate or potential mate. Hmmmm expectations again!!. .-= Cathy J´s last blog ..<a href="http://www.smartladydating.com/cost-of-dating-part-3-emotional-cost-to-valuable-lesson/" rel="nofollow">Cost of Dating: Part 3 Emotional Cost To Valuable Lesson</a> =-. I like the job description approach – essential and desirable criteria. Primary core values definitely need to go into the essential criteria.

Sometimes people can be in a transition phase and so they may be changing their core values and priorities. So a bit of flexibility also can help with reasonable boundaries. Every relationship does need these – at home, with your parents, children, siblings, friends and especially your mate or potential mate. Hmmmm expectations again!!.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Cost of Dating: Part 3 Emotional Cost To Valuable Lesson =-.

]]> By: JJ2 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262115 JJ2 Fri, 21 May 2010 20:45:47 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262115 Trouble is..... you have to kiss a lot of frogs, and maybe date a few ***Clowns before you really know what *YOU* value. When I was in my 20's, I had NO standards. It was.... "try anything once." I dated THIS type of guy, THAT type of guy, ANOTHER type of guy......Based on that, I know what I do and don't like, and what I need. Knowing that gave me the courage to walk out on a guy after 7 months instead of sticking it out for a long time like I did in my 20's. One of my friends keeps wanting me to go to a social club to "meet guys." She met her current BF there, and thinks I should. Ok, maybe I *could* meet a nice guy there, but I know from past experience that I don't want to date guys that belong to fancy schmancy social clubs. It's not me. I'm in my 50's, and I don't care, I will be picky! Trouble is….. you have to kiss a lot of frogs, and maybe date a few ***Clowns before you really know what *YOU* value.

When I was in my 20′s, I had NO standards. It was…. “try anything once.” I dated THIS type of guy, THAT type of guy, ANOTHER type of guy……Based on that, I know what I do and don’t like, and what I need. Knowing that gave me the courage to walk out on a guy after 7 months instead of sticking it out for a long time like I did in my 20′s.

One of my friends keeps wanting me to go to a social club to “meet guys.” She met her current BF there, and thinks I should. Ok, maybe I *could* meet a nice guy there, but I know from past experience that I don’t want to date guys that belong to fancy schmancy social clubs. It’s not me. I’m in my 50′s, and I don’t care, I will be picky!

]]> By: Raven H http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262042 Raven H Fri, 21 May 2010 06:08:51 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262042 Lot's to think about. I'm evaluating my mental "list" tonight. Lot’s to think about. I’m evaluating my mental “list” tonight.

]]> By: raven http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262041 raven Fri, 21 May 2010 05:23:08 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262041 I think this message about values is the most important one for me from this site - thanks NML for opening my eyes. Last month an amazing man came into my life - on paper, he doesn't look like the sort of person who I should be going out with. He's 14 years younger, doesn't read novels, doesn't listen to anything but The Eagles (what???!!! he's more middle-aged than me!), knows nothing about art, etc. but his values align with mine totally - about relationships (love, friends, family, strangers), about intellectual rigour, about spirituality, about material possessions, about manners etc. He's got 'flaws' but nothing that contradicts my values. Obviously, it's very early days - but such a refreshing difference and I am in such a different space in terms of my own availability because I've spent the last 3 months reading this site and making sure that I know what matters to me and what makes me happy. I know I can do that for myself and so having a relationship has to enhance my life, not make it good. I think this message about values is the most important one for me from this site – thanks NML for opening my eyes. Last month an amazing man came into my life – on paper, he doesn’t look like the sort of person who I should be going out with. He’s 14 years younger, doesn’t read novels, doesn’t listen to anything but The Eagles (what???!!! he’s more middle-aged than me!), knows nothing about art, etc. but his values align with mine totally – about relationships (love, friends, family, strangers), about intellectual rigour, about spirituality, about material possessions, about manners etc. He’s got ‘flaws’ but nothing that contradicts my values. Obviously, it’s very early days – but such a refreshing difference and I am in such a different space in terms of my own availability because I’ve spent the last 3 months reading this site and making sure that I know what matters to me and what makes me happy. I know I can do that for myself and so having a relationship has to enhance my life, not make it good.

]]> By: Columbia http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-262040 Columbia Fri, 21 May 2010 05:22:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/am-i-too-picky-the-tricky-issue-of-quality-control-in-dating-relationships-p2/#comment-262040 another thing...some of us got INTO our current (or past) relationships before we ever TOOK INVENTORY of our primary values. I got with my ex when i was only 21 and barely out of the nest, I hadn't yet the life experience to decide on important values such as those involved with child rearing, emotional maturity, etc. Then we made babies and ...well. I grew as a person while STILL IN the relationship and figured out who i was and what i valued and for a long time tried to cram him into that mold but he wasn't on the same page. Now I know what I value and as a woman in her thirties am discovering still what my values are as new life experiences come up. It's good to take personal inventory and observe life so you know what you are all about and what you value, before getting involved with someone. another thing…some of us got INTO our current (or past) relationships before we ever TOOK INVENTORY of our primary values. I got with my ex when i was only 21 and barely out of the nest, I hadn’t yet the life experience to decide on important values such as those involved with child rearing, emotional maturity, etc. Then we made babies and …well.
I grew as a person while STILL IN the relationship and figured out who i was and what i valued and for a long time tried to cram him into that mold but he wasn’t on the same page.
Now I know what I value and as a woman in her thirties am discovering still what my values are as new life experiences come up.
It’s good to take personal inventory and observe life so you know what you are all about and what you value, before getting involved with someone.

]]>