Annoying Things Women Do in the Bedroom - From the archives

March 2, 2007 by NML

couple in bed A while back I covered Things That Annoy Women in the Bedroom and it seems fair to turn the tables on the ladies. Now I haven’t slept with any women but guys tell me a lot of stories that leaving me begging for mercy on my ears, plus women inadvertently tell me stuff. Dodgy smells, BJ approach, faking it, chaffing their willies with your jewellery, to acting or looking miserable in the sack are just some ofthe things that dampen a womans ratings in the bedroom.

Avoid Taking Him to the Fish Market

I had to get the horrid one out of the way first. Just like the way women don’t like cheesy willies, men don’t like when women taste unpleasant,whether that be fishy or the female version of cheesy wotsits (very cheesy smelling crisps). I often take the piss out of guys for giving their dicks so much attention, however if the stories are anything to go by, there are some women that could do with spending some time attending to odour.

Welcome to the Jungle

If he needs a weed wacker to sleep with you, he probably won’t like it. Trim it down, have a wax, groom it or something, but don’t let him feel like he’s battling in the Amazon forest because according to my male sources, being the dipsticks that they are, they’ll still sleep with you but they won’t rate you too highly.

Lets Talk. Period.

They just like to be told, not because they are remotely concerned about you, but because they don’t want to mistakenly think that they have damaged their penises in some way and caused a blood bath. Period sex is a matter of taste and it’s best to speak up and tell him rather than surprise him as you may scare the bejaysus out of him and turn him off.

Blowjobs

Tenuous subject but this comes down to either doing them or how you do them. Lets be clear, blow jobs don’t tend to involve literally blowing on his penis, so this is a no-no. A lot of guys love blowjobs but they don’t always get them and they seem to think they are supposed to be on the regular menu, when often the woman will think it’s an occasional fixture. This annoys guys and some are stupid enough to go and get their ‘medicine’ elsewhere. It also annoys guys when there is no rhythm, change of pace or change of repertoire. Their dicks aren’t actual lollipops apparently, which means we shouldn’t use lollipop/ice-cream licking as our yardstick for performance.

Keep The Illusion

It’s not that they don’t want to see the ‘real’ you (okay it is a bit) but they like a bit of the mystery, a bit of an effort which means that trying to have sex when you are wearing your fluffy bunny PJs, a face mask or night cream covered face, grey worn out underwear, or if you’re a black woman, the mashed up scarf or doo-rag that keeps your hair sorted out at night can be a mega no-no. The dick won’t go limp immediately, but repeated ‘offences’ and we suddenly become ‘boring’ and we’ve ‘changed’.

Due Process

Don’t give his willy a cursory tug or few quick licks as it comes across as lazy or selfish. Put in some time and effort just like the way we expect them to.

Stop The Questions

Just like the way we don’t like to be interrogated about how they are performing, neither do guys, which is strange because they do it a lot! Even worse though is when we ask things about our weight, appearance or their exes when we’re in bed with them. They hate it and as far as they’re concerned, it’s the literal world of man which means they are in bed with you so they obviously aren’t bothered by the weight, appearance etc and are happy with you, love you. Basically keep these questions out of sex time.

Balls Up

Give the balls some love as a lot of women don’t touch them apparently. They are the two (generally) squishy balls dangling near his willy and they store his brain power. Go on, touch them!

Lights on/Lights off

Generally speaking, they like to see us and when the woman insists that she wants the light off because she is embarrassed about her appearance this annoys the guys. It isn’t easy for a woman who isn’t comfortable with her appearance however, it will help if you both try and find a middle ground.

‘Open’ to Experimenting

This covers a lot of stuff and guys walk a very fine line but I couldn’t not refer to this. ‘Experimenting’ is open to interpretation and whereas many will think it’s about position or dressing up, for some it goes much further and can involve porn, threesomes, swinging, domination, anal etc which the woman may not be interested in. This is one particular area where I think men can be very unfair as this is a subjective issue, however it is a bug bear of a lot of guys. They forget it’s a matter of personal taste and you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole….

Faking It

Ask most guys and they’ll say that every woman has had a real orgasm with them, but asked most women and they will claim that they have faked it, often a lot! I don’t believe in faking it but I did do it a long time ago and to be fair, it helps us ladies out of a long, drawn out process, however, guys really don’t like it and if they catch you doing it, it will more than likely spell disaster even if you did it to soothe his ego. Hence if you’re going to fake it, give it your best performance and don’t overdo it!

The Lacklustre Approach

I made a promise to myself that if I’m really not in the mood, I won’t put a guy through a lacklustre session but it seems that there are many women that will. Hate to break any illusions but trust me when I say that no guy wants to have sex with a sack of potatoes or a woman with a face on her like a smacked arse. I’m not saying they’ll lose their hard on, because to be fair, they are men; but they won’t think too highly of you, particularly if you do it repeatedly.

Show Some Enthusiasm

So you are in the mood but for some reason you’ve decided that you’d rather look like someone jammed something enormous up your backside when you’re supposed to be having fun. Humans are about 75% water and for men, the rest is made up of ego. Smile and enjoy it.

It Takes Two to Tango

Basic sex ed info but both a man and woman are needed for sex which means that it isn’t just down to the man to make the effort. Your pleasure is 50% down to the effort that you put into the session and if you rely on the guy to do everything, it is a one way street. Get your hands dirty and muck in!

Take off the sharp hand jewellery

Years ago a friend of mine had his penis masturbated by a woman and her ring caught on his foreskin. She yanked at it very enthusiastically and he had to ask her to stop. She had torn his foreskin and he was in a lot of pain. If the guy has to choose between his dick and you, he will probably choose his dick which means he’ll remember when you damaged the crown jewels.

NML is editor of Baggage Reclaim.