My dignity comes first. Thank goodness for that. Even if I am in pain over not continuing to see the man, at least I don’t put up with crap. I will NOT continue to be sexually intimate with a man that I discover is trying to see other women.

You had sounded like you were coping well. My specific concern was what lesson in relationships, parenting, and how and when to choose a mate that your daughter is learning.

I was thinking of the counseling not so much as “do this to heal”, as an assistant in identifying all the needed questions, and help sorting out the priorities.

Luck.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..tslr: Survival Prep, and choosing a spouse =-.

Being a single parent has to be about as tough a task as can be. There is no place for your girl to learn about relationships as thoroughly as what she learns at home.

Hopefully she appreciates the dangers of the Knight in Shining Armor fantasy, and learns that a bozo will remain a bozo, or EUM, or abusive, undisciplined – lacking character – forever. But I hope she also learns, in her heart as well as hearing it said, that there are men of good character interested and able to be a good mate an parent. And that she is going to be the one that has to decide if being with one guy or another is good for her.

Any time someone opens their heart and home to someone they hope will share lives with them, will be a comfort and support as well as someone that needs another to make a home, I pray that the choice of companion is a good choice. Because our action, our choices, affect friends and family as examples and as joys or tears we bring to those we love.

I read about women that use their kids to get dates, as well as those that won’t let the man in their life contact the kids directly. Both approaches appear to avoid some dangers, but both I think are extreme. A parent has to realize that everyone in their life affects the kids directly, indirectly, or both, regardless of whether the person in question ever meets the kids. “If Mama isn’t happy, no one is happy,” is true for all adults and parents.

If I had my druthers, I would say that moving on, getting past the pain, is important at first. But very quickly the point has to be moving to a good place. And any time you have a destination, you have enough work to do to fill up any life time. Instead of thinking of time you used to spend elsewhere, consider what you need to accomplish today, this year, and in the next ten years. Consider what you need to do to know that you never need to put up with immature and undisciplined crap in your life. Consider what your daughter, the rest of your family, and your friends could use from you. Consider whether a pet – an inside cat or dog – might provide a source of need and comfort to help your daughter’s emotional growth and your own healing. Perhaps a counselor or pastor visit might help you discover priorities and opportunities – or issues you have been reluctant to face that are holding you back. Consider whether you could be a little bit – not a lot! – more active in your kid’s life, such as bowling or movie parties, exchanging home overnighters with friends, family or family and friends dinners.

Really, time is the limiting factor, not finding ways to fill it.

Blessed be.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence =-.

Thanks for your comments on my situation. As with a lot of us on here it seems we knew it wasn’t a life-long relationship, just holding on hoping….i should mention that during my relationship with ‘him’ he lost his Father, after a long illness, needless to say I was by his side through that. Within days of his fathers funeral, everything changed, as though he now had freedom to pursue some of the interests he had been unable to do. So not only was he flaky in his ‘dumping’ he used me as an emotional crutch. We have broken up before more than once, due to a past relationship of his, someone he was involved with who wasn’t going away, but at the same time was never going to commit to being with him. So it was no easy ride dealing with the constant presence of someone from his past.
So an absolute mess really. Amazing that he spent so many hours , days, nights weekends etc with me…….and I have a duaghter of 11 too, who he drew into the whole picture, with his family etc etc. So these are tough times……….and i’m on the 30th day of no contact…I think it’s 3o anyway, so that must be progress of some sort.
Read so many articles on moving on my head is buzzing……I think the hardest part of it all is……filling all that time you spent with someone with new things to do.
really appreciate your reply xx Dragonfly

On the face of it he ended the “relationship”. He didn’t so much pull back as leave. Rather than be clear about his change, he was a bit flaky in hinting that you had been dumped.

If he could end his time with you this way, it doesn’t seem likely he ever felt he was with you. He sounds like a perpetual dater, and he figured the date was over. If you were looking for a shared life or life-long companion – Sorry.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: The practice doll =-.

We need our contacts with neighbors and community to network, to help others and to be helped and supported. And sometimes we absolutely have to back away from the information density of the online world, to live again at an interpersonal pace of life and communication.

Peace.

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home

You gotta have friends.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/

Standing on your own is rarely the best plan. We need friends, people to share life’s secrets, problems, and to help plan solutions. Someone to share joy and tears with. People of character, that keep us striving to be better than we have been.

One of the hallmarks of an assclown and EUM is they tend to isolate their victims . . . er, their “partners”. They get you to cut off close ties to friends and family and neighbors. They have an instinctive need to have you to themselves – so they don’t risk someone you trust telling you he is harming you.

Now, while you are trying to overcome the issues that let this bozo into your life, you haven’t finished rebuilding the kind of family and community contact network that let people enjoy life, weather storms, and grow.

Overcoming isolation in your life is a (scary!) deliberate act, required to free yourself from his influence and the sacrifices you made to be what he wanted. Not only that, you will have other resources and people to turn to, that deserve more respect than a former EUM, and that you can trust and respect.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home

That only shows that girls who hang out with EUMs have low selfesteem. The minute my selfesteem gets a dent I feel like running to the EUM.

Maybe that is how it works for them too…

The “surrendered wife” sounds great – assuming, of course, that the husband is worth the effort, and makes the surrender rewarding for his wife.

Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.