Finding a replacement someone seldom works. What does work, is to find someone responsible, respectful, honest and honorable, etc. that shares a need to build a shared life. Finding the choices and implications in our lives, and addressing what doesn’t fit with sharing our lives, is the first step. Until then, we won’t be able to recognize whether someone will be good for us and for our plans, goals, and our happiness. That is, we have to find our own inner peace, that we learn to love ourselves, first.

Choosing, and bonding to a life-mate prospect is tough, and a lot of work, and when done correctly it is also very enjoyable. We don’t want distractions from emotional baggage from the past to dim the enjoyment at a time like this.

Peace.

Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.

The “thanks for remembering” is a limited thank you. He doesn’t express happiness or any emotion that you thought of him. He doesn’t express any actual appreciation. Most particularly, he is not inviting any more contact from you.

The internet jokes are likely automated – he might have forgotten you are on the list. Or perhaps he thinks it might send a message – that he doesn’t like you – if he drops you from the list. And, he may never check his emails, or his spam filter might have picked your name to discard – so he might not have been receiving your messages.

If he has been going through life-changing events, and it didn’t bring you together as a couple – then apparently you got left behind. It will take time for him to settle out what is going on with him, and until then, no one will be “the one” for him.

Needless to say, you don’t have anyone to hang onto – he has already moved on. And I think it would be disrespectful to try to date anyone, until after you have worked through your feelings for the EUM. The poison that is still there hurts you – and anyone else in your life.

I would also suggest you look at NML’s post on emailing and EUM’s. Keep your contacts personal. That way, face to face, you can see and understand the rest of the message, beyond the words that are used.

It doesn’t matter right now if he is withdrawn for a reason besides you, or doesn’t want a relationship with you. His lack of contact means that you are not important in his life. Words can *not* undo what his actions are declaring. You have to decide for yourself, because he is apparently unwilling to stand up and say, “This is over for me.” What you do know, all to well, is that any further contact with him will hurt you, will never make you happy, and probably doesn’t help him at all.

Luck.

NC!!!!!

The Christian Church is a patriarchal religion. Even where women hold office, the basic imagery and precepts are men-based. The marriage texts that have “man as head of woman”, etc. fuel this ancient and historical approach.

I think part of what you ran up against was prejudice, and not related to your circumstances. I think the elder made a crass assumption about God-fearing men and loose women. I think he felt women are always silly, unless they are doing what their man wants. He may have even felt that by being stern and authoritative – hurtful – he was driving you from loose and bad behavior toward spiritual salvation. (It makes my stomach ache to think of this.)

You have to know that by now, at least three-fourths of the congregation have discussed you, him, and your skipping church. That would be true in many of the churches I have attended, anyway.

Two thoughts. First, I think you should visit your pastor (assuming he wasn’t the officious moron). Talk to him about why you have been avoiding the bozo. Leave out all gossip, stick to the virtues – respect, honesty, truth, and failings on his and your part. Do mention how hurt you were about the uncaring leader and the leader’s accusations.

The other thought is to find a buddy to attend church with, someone you trust, that understands why you are avoiding the bozo, that won’t be tempted to throw you together with him, “Just to see he isn’t so bad”.

Properly, the church is in a tough position. The ancient teachings are quite clear about a couple staying together. And the historic part is that whether you make each other happy doesn’t matter to anyone (except you). There are still vestiges of selling brides, of marriages pledged without the happy couple ever meeting before (or sometimes during!) the ceremony. Today the church seems to be overlooking a lot of teachings rather than risk losing members (and tithes).

Historically the church has often bullied, mistreated, deceived, and betrayed to further their goals. “Sin boldly, in the knowledge that your sins are forgiven” and all that. I wouldn’t consider your friend to have betrayed you – merely ignorant. I agree that there is a difference between protecting a confidence and keeping a secret. After the way the leader bullied you – I actually feel a bit of sympathy for her after that busybody manipulated her, too.

If you continue to attend that church, I would avoid gossip with everyone, about anything. Refuse to come close to explaining why or what about you, him, or the relationship. “I am not seeing him” is more than anyone deserves to know, and should be sufficient for everyone. Keep your thoughts on your worship and activities, and wait for this three-day-wonder to blow over.

Luck.

Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.

Don´t feel guilty about that. We compromise and accept other peoples needs often without questioning. You are entitled to the same consideration.

And if someone can´t or won´t give that then sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away and hang out with people who do. Churchleader or not.

No this man is not being held to account at all. The leader sees him as innocent and a lonely, harmless man. She has no idea of the life he leads ( as I didn’t until he gradually revealed it). She has no idea that he has a number of lady ‘friends’ who he reels in and out at will and thats just the start. But ultimately his life is his business and what happened is our business and how I choose to deal with it is my business. I’m considering calling the leader and asking to see them so that I can clearly set my boundaries in a nice but assertive way…It probably won’t be liked though..

I would not be too close with that “friend” from now on, and would consider her merely an acquaintance.

Second, as to the church leader, she is trying to keep her business going strong! She doesn’t want to lose you OR the ex-EUM. (Especially if you met this guy through the church, as your staying away from the church may be “bad press” for the church.) Hence her request for you to work things out with him.

Now that you know that the leader is looking out for #1 here, before the leader goes and says anything to him, tell her that you will consider ceasing your patronage of that church if she even thinks about talking to HIM now about this matter. Use her own weapon (concern re: losing patronage) against her! (In a classy and diplomatic way, of course.)

Stay on track: go to another church, for now at least. Keep up the NC.

Can anyone please advise on how to deal with this as I feel like not going back but I do have a lot of genuine friends there…??x

You said, “I just want to make him feel as bad..” – this is wrong.

Feelings of anger, acts of retaliation – these are bonds. They tie your mind and emotions to him and how he feels. And that is way too intimate a connection to let you heal from your hurts and be available in case a good prospect comes along. You played your own part in this drama, by agreeing to see him. Your best move in ending his effect on your life is to find each feeling that ties you to him, and let it go.

I like the Rabbi’s blessing on the Czar of Russia in “Fiddler on the Roof” – May God bless and keep the Czar .. far from Anatevka! Let us all hope this bozo entertains himself far from anyone we care about.

As his ex-girlfriend, you are still bitter over his actions, what he did and does, and with whom. How long will you define yourself as “his ex-girlfriend”, and instead know yourself as “Thecat, that knew the bozo once upon a time?”

Oh, and according to WTHR channel 13 – there are actual spyware packages that people can use to infect your phone. You may need a new phone with a new SIM card (the expensive part) to clean up. The YouTube video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCyKcoDaofg I would start with your cell phone provider, and maybe their “protect yourself” page, http://www.wthr.com/Global/story.asp?S=9346833

If your cell provider cannot get his phone completely blocked from yours, and also identify who the “withheld” caller is, block all “withheld” calls. And you might need to check out the spyware defense things.

Luck.

Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.